Nov 20 2017

The sunset of a tormented soul

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 7:05

I do not really like to write when I am sad, although psychologists definetly recommend it. The reason for that is that it looks like I am complaining and if I look at my life I feel guilty for doing so. Because honestly from the outside it looks like I am a whiny ungrateful person. Also, sadness is known to be quite contagious for empathetic persons and thus, I really do not want to do that to anyone.

But you know what, I need to do this. Last week my grandmother died. She was one of those persons that grow wiser with age and learned that if you want to have the people you love by your side for the short time that you have left you must put aside personal opinions that might represent obstacles in communication and stop judging people by your personal beliefs. I didn’t really like my family much while growing up and I realised that putting some distance between us is the only way to fix this. But I do wish I would have spent more time with her.

My mother made a small comment after the funeral, regarding who cried and who didn’t. I would not say it was malicious, it was merely a comment. But it got me thinking. Sure, when I found out she died, I was sad and cried a little. But at the same time I could not feel a little bit happy for my grandmother. He is free now. She is free from a body that was not functioning normally anymore, free from the small room she was confined too because she was so old and sick that she got dizzy when she walked. She is now free from a life that was not good to her. She was forcefully married to a man she did not love, and that drank and smoked until he withered away. She survived a war, she had for children and she had to live after one of them died. She fell down the stairs and her left hand never functioned properly. Really, she is now free. She is now really, at rest. She has suffered enough. She lived her life the best she could making the best with the cards she was dealt with.

She looked serene in her coffin, her small face was peacefull. She was laid to rest next to the man that drank his sadness away. I would really like if there was a place where they would meet again and maybe finally be friends.

Rest in peace grandma Clara!


Nov 04 2017

Ups and downs

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:10

Life has its ups and downs. I’ve had a lot of ups for two years now. It was about time for this nice period to end. It’s not like I am down, it’s just I have this nasty cold that gave me fever and headaches for more than a week. And I’m all alone taking care of myself and this makes me feel very vulnerable.

I am trying to do the things I normally enjoy. But all I do is waste time waiting for the night to come so I can sleep. And I get into bed hoping that while I sleep I find a solution for the mess I am in and at least my brains maybe stops thinking.

So I have a cold, that’s no big deal, right? But I’m all alone, felling vulnerable and weak, in a period when I’m in doubts about my job and the decisions I made this year. And I am also longing for the embrace of somebody that is one ocean away from me. Somebody that will never feel anything for me, but respect and  a platonic attachment. On, well, that’s something right?

It is scary as hell, this insecurity of the future. I am getting old and I should be getting wise, but I’m feeling stupid and unable to do anything right for a while now. I feel like I’m on a boat without a guiding system and just going with the waves, until an iceberg hit.

And I’ve been alienating people from my life, because I’ve felt this fall coming for a while and I did not want to affect anyone. Not this time.


Oct 16 2017

Happy Birthday to John Mayer!

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 20:29

My favorite singer is celebrating his 40th birthday today. As you will probably figure out soon I’m a little obsessed with this person. John Mayer is an amazing guitarist, I am expecting to be one of the names in the music hall of fame, next to Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, BB King and others. I think he is one of the best guitarists of the century and I am glad I was born in this day and age and have my ears caressed by the sounds he can make a guitar produce.

He also has an amazing voice, and he’s quite handsome for his age, of course. But this has nothing to do with my “obsession” for him. I think I just like him as an artist because he is really good at expressing how he feel through music and sharing it with his listeners.

My dear John Mayer, thank you for your whole existence and your dedication to music. Being able to listen to you sing live was the highlight of this year. I hope you live for many years from now and continue making beautiful music. Please take care of yourself and continue making your dreams come true! Happy birthday!


Oct 15 2017

Spring Stereotype Annotations

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:18

Yes, finally a technical post. ;)

Having finished writing my third  Spring book, it was about time I should start writing technical posts as well. Being an accessible online person, quite a few people that read my books find mistakes or have interesting questions. I am really happy when people find mistakes, this means that they are actually reading the books, taking them seriously, including reading the references to the official documentation, which is more on point and more detailed than a book written by an “external” will ever be.

And I am happier when questions that question my own understanding of the framework are risen as well. Because this motivates me to dig deep into the documentation, to ask other technical people I know what their opinion is. It is an opportunity for communication and debate.

The last question I had from a reader was about the @Configuration annotation. He asked why is this annotation not mentioned as being a stereotype annotation in the book and if this is not a mistake on my part. He gave me some links to some official documentation and his opinion about the matter. After I queried  multiple resources, including my technical reviewer, who is a Spring  trainer for Pivotal this is the answer I came up with.
Continue reading “Spring Stereotype Annotations”

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Oct 13 2017

The day everything became clear

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:20

When I started seeing a psychologist, I was looking for healing. My heart was broken and my soul crushed and I wasn’t enjoying life at all. I went there hoping to heal my broken heart, and be able to use it for love again. Because I do not have many fears, but being unable to love again, turning totally cold, forever because of a bad relationship was one of them.

And it turned out I had a lot of repressed feelings – mostly anger – to solve. I did not have a good life, but I never imagined the tool took on me would leave me that broken. I’ve has suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old, but when it turned too difficult to have a normal life because of them a solution had to be found. Because I have spent my life until 32 years old learning a lot of things, except how to live.

I think it has been two years now since I started living. And then I started loving. And for the first time, I realized that my psychologist was right. Because of my upbringing, probably I’ve  never really felt love before. Only need, dependence or just … scared to be alone. When I realized I was in love again, first I got scared. What if I mess it up? What if he doesn’t love me. Turns out I was right at least in one of my fears. He does not love me. And I’ve tried to stop loving him, because what use is a love that is not reciprocated, right?

Well, it has a purpose. Being able to love, makes a person better. It gives you a different view on the world. Loving someone that does not reciprocate gives you the occasion to be close to them without the pressures of a relationship. It gives you the opportunity to be there for them, to see them for who they are and not the hormone bomb people become when in love. It feels nice, because you can definitely see if they are worth your feelings or not.

Oh, and he is worthy! He is one of the best persons I’ve met in a while. He is genuinely good and nice to me, not because he wants “something”. He’s far from perfect and he pisses me off sometimes. But the conversations I have with him are never boring and whenever I need him, he is one click away. And I reciprocate that. And I finally understood what love is. Love is when somebody’s well-being and happiness are a big part of your own. It seemed far-fetched when I grew up. It did not seem possible to love someone romantically and not be with them. Unless they moved to the other end of the world or there were other impediments, that is.

Well, he is on the other end of the world now. And I did my best to help him stay there, because that’s where he is happy.

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Sep 08 2017

So I read the Google manifesto…

Category: English posts,TechnicalIuliana @ 12:12

Before going on vacation the Google scandal of the 10-page “Google’s Ideological Echo Chamber” document was just starting. A guy at Google created this document in which he criticised the politically correct Google environment and the discrimination happening in the name of the political correctness. And that manifesto made it to the internet. I was preparing for a vacation like no other, in which I was to detach myself completely from my working environment and from the passion that I dedicated myself to for the last 16 years of my life. So I postponed reading the Google manifesto until getting back.

I read the document on the plane on my way back and I realised there is a lot of blogging material in there. Because here we are in the time where political correctness dictates which people are allowed to speak their minds out loud and which are not, unless they want to risk being fired.
Continue reading “So I read the Google manifesto…”

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Sep 05 2017

I love writing technical books…

Category: TechnicalIuliana @ 23:23

… and messages like the ones below make all the effort worth it.

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