This is not poetry

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Vacation shenaningans

I know I’ve had time off work before, but this time I actually left my house and slept in a hotel for two nights. This was a real vacation. This is what I consider a vacation, time off from my life, in a new place, eating food that is not cooked by myself, not washing dishes, not making my bed, oh wait, I rarely make my bed nowadays, anyway… I visited Inverness. Actually, while I’m writing this I am still in Inverness, luckily for me in my hotel room, because there was a small chance of that not happening. There were a few fuck-ups during this whole planning and execution, and well, while I am posting this the trip is not done, so fingers crossed nothing else happens. Let me tell you the whole story.

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Killing babies

As you probably did not know, the US, the country leading the world, the country where milk and honey flows, the country where dreams come true, the most democratic country in the world is planning to ban abortions. Considering the previous statement is 90% sarcastic, it is clear that a ban on abortions is not unexpected. We can blame religious freaks for thier influence on society, but honestly it is all about money and power for a few men.

Anyway, as the weaker member of the species – say whatever you want but most women are smaller in size than the men, and thus society developed to take advantage of this weakness. Whether we like it or not, in any species the gender that is smaller in size is taken advantage of and treated as disposable. There is a fish that transforms itself into a sperm provider appendage for the female. Anyway, nature is lit and if you research enough, you will get to the same conclusion. The gender smaller in size, will most probably always be mistreated. This is our reality as women, and I have serious doubts that demanding equal treatment diplomatically will ever do anything for us, until we get to the same size and strength as men, or even bigger than that.

With the danger of Roe v. Wade being overturned, with Poland criminalizing abortions (yeah, I know Poland is great, look at them how they support Ukraine, but then they do not provide Ukrainian women that were raped with the possibility of an abortion because it is against their laws) and other countries already in this boat, things look bleak for us women. And all in the name of … not killing babies.

I think the main problem stems from not properly defining what a baby is.The lump of cells growing inside a woman’s body, develops without any agreement with her. Hear me out. Even if a woman agreed to have sex and was looking forward to that happening, she gave consent for the possibility of that happening, but once that lump of cells starts developing it does so the way nature has programmed, not the way the woman actually wants it to happen.

That lump of cells does not ask hey, is it ok if I attach my umbilical cord to this wall and suck the nutrients out of you?

That lump of cells does not ask before implantation hey, can you afford enough food so I can get the right nutrients?

And so on… that lump of cells is essentially a parasite. It becomes a baby once it is out of your body. It becomes human once it starts learning for other humans and interacts with them. Some exaggerate and say it becomes a baby thing when its heart starts to beat, but there are people in a coma with brain damage that we call vegetables that have a heartbeat and we have no problem putting them out of their misery, doing the humane thing for them and if some of their organs are good for donation, for other members of society. Once your brains stop functioning, you become a vegetable not a baby, right?

If a woman gets pregnant and did not intend to be pregnant, she should be not only allowed to terminate, but supported to do so. After hundred of thousands of years on this planet we still haven’t learned that children that are planned and desired become the happiest kids and the greatest adults and have the most chances of having a good effect on their communities and every people they interact with.

Look at the state the world is in right now. Do you really think a world where people have been happy and loved kids and have grown in to decent and sane adults looks like this? Do you really think Putin is the way he is because his parents loved him? How about Erdogan, or Trump? Do you really think those soldiers raping women and children in Ukraine have been happy and loved children and are sane adults? And pretty sure you have other examples in mind. Do you really think adults like these are the products of sane and loving parents? And you know where bad parents come from? From other bad parents, or from being forced to be a parent, when you did not have the means to do so, whether mentally or financially.

So, now I’m gonna address the next paragraph to the people above the line, the ones that make decisions that affect 99% of us.  I know all you fuckers view low- and medium-income people as resources and you need a lot of them to suck the life from to feel fulfilled, to feel like you have achieved something, just because your mommy and daddy did not love you, but maybe try it a different way for once. Just because your parents were fucked up, and they fucked you up, instead of fucking up the world in revenge, instead of passing on your trauma and frustrations to the next generation, try a different path. What if you stopped propagating the abuse, what if all this toxicity stops with you? Try aiming for a world where every child is planned and desired and let’s all together see how that world looks like.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Stay strong Ukraine! Слава Україні!

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Pet insurance is a joke

Maybe the situation in the world right now has made me more careful with my money, maybe I am getting old and realizing how much making money actually costs me time-wise, whatever the cause I’ve started budgeting and looking at my expenses more carefully. This morning, because of my current situation, I started analyzing the pet insurance I am paying. Which situation you might ask… the one in the picture of course.

I currently have three cats. I did not mean it this way; I had no plans of becoming a cat lady. But when the vet told me my older cat has about two to three weeks to live, I thought I should look for a replacement to keep Mayer, my now middle cat age-wise, from getting depressed. A work colleague had Maine Coon kittens, and so, two weeks ago I got Loki, the grayish fluffball closest to the camera. Now Psihoza, my old cat, decided to make fools out of the vets that estimated her lifespan and almost three months later, she is still here.

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What is it for?

In June this year I have to make a decision: do I reserve the VM and the domains for this blog for another three years or not?

I know the quality of my writing might have decreased over the years. Life gets in the way. I would love nothing more than to have the time travel, read, meet people, and try new things and then write about them. Unfortunately, I have to work to pay my mortgage and put food on the table and in the cat bowls. And so, when I write I write about how I feel, I write about the small and banal experiences of my homelife.

A while ago a colleague asked me why do I keep this blog for, what is its purpose? He was bothered about the fact that I post about private things here, I assume he imagined that this blog is more of a diary, and a diary should be private. And it might be, but I barely write a few entries a month nowadays and they are mostly inspired by conversations I have with my friends, conversations that might be similar to somebody else’s. Even if all these things might be considered private, they are 0.0001% of my private things.  For all the things that make it here, there are thousands of thoughts that remain in my mind, that I share only with a select group of people, or that I write in my real diary, the small notebook in which I write with my red fountain pen.

Do I want attention, do I try to tell people “Look at me, I exist! Look at me I am doing something!” ? I’m not sure honestly … I guess this blog is just something that I’ve been doing since 2006 and I am not ready to stop it yet. Also, it has helped improve my typing speed, it has helped improve my English, it has helped a kid get a heart, it has attracted the attention of Steve Anglin and this is how I ended up writing books for Apress, it has helped me find friends, inspire people and sometimes offer them a new way to look at life.

Maybe I do want to have my small bit of notoriety, maybe I want some small part of the world to know that I exist. Is this selfish? Is this wrong?

The internet has provided me the opportunity to touch the lives of people far far away in the best way, in a different way facebook or Instagram have done it. My blog might not represent all of me, it might not even represent the best part of me, but it is honest and unapologetic. There are so many good things about it.

Sometimes I think that I maybe abuse it a little and use it like a form of therapy, but this life is so short, and we must feel and heal and try to leave a part of ourselves behind. I do not plan to have any children; in two generations nobody will know my name. Is it so wrong that I hope to leave a trace for a while?

What is this blog for? Not what… who. Who is it for? It is mainly for me, but if I benefit from it, if it provides me so many good things, it doesn’t cost me much to share it with the world so maybe it does something good for others too.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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A few thoughts

I haven’t written in a while and there are quite a few reasons for that. Without further ado and without literary embellishment let me get to it.

My cat is dying, the world is a shitshow and I think the bike-shop messed up my bike. I paid a shitload of money, only for them to give it back to me with the speed changer in such a bad shape that now it changes gears whenever it wants and with a lot of cling-clang loud sounds. Also, I am a little behind with the work my book, my new PM from Apress …let’s say I don’t like him and the man that put me in contact with Apress quit last week. Aaand, I have a suspicion my presentation for Spring IO 2022 might be refused. On top of this, my energy costs increased thrice. I know these are not the worst problems in the world, but they are mine and they are wearing me down. I feel un-motivated, and … sad. And because I feel un-motivated, I haven’t been to the gym in days, I haven’t played the piano which makes me feel even more upset with myself. I have friends that send me to therapy, that tell me to go to the gym, tell me to take a vacation away from home… but I feel like nothing will help.

Yesterday, Zelenski addressed a bunch of assholes, and when I say a bunch of assholes, I am referring to the Romanian parliament. Some of them were recorded checking their phones, or just chatting with each other, meanwhile Zelenski was showing them images from the Bucha massacre and listing all the horrific things Russians are doing in Ukraine and asking for help. Seriously, they were behaving like they were on mute in a Zoom conference with their camera off, which they probably were. I watched the whole thing and I felt sick to my stomach. First because I do not understand how man can do to another man what Russian soldiers did in Bucha and second because I have no doubt 90% of the Romanian parliament is made of psychopaths. It is simply not humanly possible to watch those images and not feel disappointed in this world, sick to your stomach, not bawl your eyes out and motivated to do something about it, especially when you can.  But no… the Romanian parliament was full of stoics, that in the face of such horrors were…inert.

I was talking to a friend of mine about what the Ukrainians we know might be feeling right now. They must be going crazy that what happened in Bucha could happen to their loved ones that were unable or unwilling to flee. The horrific truth is, in a war there are no civilians, only enemies. You can only be civil when there is a civilization, but war is the antithesis of it. The previous wars have shown that to us again and again and we haven’t learned a thing. We cannot seem to agree that hurting each other is unacceptable. If this is the way humanity is right now, we do not deserve a future.

It makes me sad and angry, and I am so tired of being sad and angry. I’m in a rut, I’m caught in this bitter loop and have no idea how to escape it. I am aware that nothing external will throw me off it, nobody will give me the push that I need, or the ass-kicking that will help me move forward and I will have to do it myself, yet again. Problem is, when will I have gathered enough sadness and anger to do so?

Stay safe, stay happy!

Stay strong Ukraine! Слава Україні!

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Ordinary life

Since this pandemic started my days seem all the same. I wake up, I cuddle the cats, I exercise, I drink my coffee, I work, I listen to music, I play some piano, I cook, I eat my dinner, maybe do some work on a book, maybe write a blog entry and then I go to sleep.

When it is nice and warm outside, I go on a bike ride, or a walk along the beach, or I drink my coffee outside in the garden with Mayer. Sometimes I sleep late, sometimes I end my evening by solving a puzzle with my old neighbor while having a cup of tea.

These seem like a lot of different things, but the year has 365 days, and it is easy to see how my life might get repetitive and … boring.

Since mid-February, my morning routine has changed. I wake up and make sure my cat Psihoza is still alive. The vet told me she doesn’t have long now, her being in chronic renal failure. But more than one month has passed since then, and she is still alive. She lost another half kilogram in weight, but I am getting her special food for her kidneys, and I am buying a lot of different fancy food and minced meat and fish, because I want to make sure she enjoys her last days.

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