Oct 15 2019

The expat syndrome

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 3:20

I’ve been going through a little bit of a phase lately and a colleague that likes to fix things thought that I might suffer from culture shock. As some of you know I’ve moved to Scotland on the 30th of May 2018. Until that time even if I’ve travelled the world because of work or on vacation, I have been a resident of Romania.

I was shy of 35 years old when I decided to move. Looking back, I try to identify the reasons why I did it, but I’ve noticed that every time somebody asks me why I left, I struggle to choose a single reason. While reading this article I tried to answer this question again. The article is named “The 4 stages of culture shock” and after reading that article I’ve realized that I haven’t gone through any of those phases. Does that make me weird?

I do not know why I left, honestly. A lot of my decisions are based on how I feel, and whatever I felt when I made the decision, or what I was going through when I actually put things in motion, I don’t really remember it now. I remember a moment when I was sitting at my desk in Sibiu and asked myself: “What are you still doing here? There’s nothing for you here, there never was. Do you really want to stay here? Because if you get to 40, you might never leave.” So I guess I did it because I was scared of missing the opportunity to do it.

Continue reading “The expat syndrome”


Oct 13 2019

Fresh start

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:57

The best part in having your own space where to post your thoughts is that you can just erase everything one day and start over.

Of course I did not erase everything, I just made most entries written until today private. Why? Because I needed a fresh start.

I have found myself with some free time and decided to change this blog. I’ve decided to put away the personal stuff for now. There is no reason for the whole internet to see the crazy ideas my brains comes up with. I am an adult, I have a job, and you never know what might be used against me.

Do not get me wrong, nothing happened at the job that caused this. Something personal happened that made me decide to have a little more control over the information I let out there. Because just because something is true and makes sense to you, it doesn’t mean people would perceive it as you want it to.

Also, I’ve met somebody who declared himself a master of control. He brags about having his mind and actions always under control. So I decided to give it a try. And since this blog was an actual proof of how out of control my mind actually is sometimes, I decided to start fresh.

Not sure what is going to happen. Maybe this blog will end up being a curated version of the previous 13 years, maybe I will fall back in my old ways. Or maybe I will give it up altogether. You’ll just have to wait and see. Some as me.

Welcome to my brave new blog!


Sep 17 2019

1984 = 2019

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:14

I told you that I’ve read 1984 a while ago. I am still a little bit annoyed with the world that the book depicts. What I did not mention was that before that I went through Brave New World, Fahrenheit 451 and  Animal Farm.

And I ended up to a conclusion: these books can be put in a sequence. Imagine this: a world like the one depicted in Animal Farm leads to a world like the one depicted in Fahrenheit 451, that in turn leads to a world like the one described in 1984 and then finally to a world like the one in Brave New World.

I had planned to write a longer article than this about these books and how they seem to connect to one another, but something happened tonight that pissed me off, because I think we are closer to the world in 1984 than we thought. My only consolation is that Brave New World is close and if I survive until then they will pomp me up with Soma big time to keep me docile. :D

Few of you know that this blog until about three years ago was hosted on http://rpx.kicks-ass.net. Even fewer than you know that I used to write also on http://seaqxx.kicks-ass.net. And that is because my then boyfriend owned the kicks-ass.net domain.

Tonight I was having a private conversation with a friend, and Facebook decided to stop me from sending a message with the URL of my old blog because …

So yeap. They are not even hiding the fact that they are reading your private messages anymore. But then again, as long as your messages are stored in their databases, they are not really private, are they?

Take it as you want it, but the next person that tells me that what politicians and corporations do doesn’t really affect me, gets a kick in the teeth.

Anyway, as you can imagine now, me and my friend are having a very dirty conversation to check how restrictive the bot is. Because… engineers.

Stay safe, stay happy and keep your stuff private. If you can.


Aug 23 2019

Emotional scars

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:02

I know the title seems like this article is going to be one of those annoying medium entries, but it’s not. I promise you, it is not.

I have this way of viewing the world: I don’t think any of us is perfectly sane. I think we are all mad or broken to some degree. We do not live in a perfect world, and since we make up this world, neither are we. I’ve said this before to some people and they took it personally and felt offended. How can I assume they are broken? How do I dare to make them doubt their sanity? I think the worst thing you can do to yourself is to view yourself as being good, normal or whatever positive thing makes you feel good about yourself. Because when you see yourself in this over-positive light you might stop working on yourself and you might become an overly righteous prick. Maybe. I’m not saying it will happen to you. But during my lifetime I’ve met some people that felt entitled to tell me how I’m being wrong, what I’m doing wrong, what is wrong with me and how should I change to be right.

I am not secretive when it comes to my childhood. My parents were not the worst parents, but they were not the best either. My relationship with them was toxic, there was some emotional and physical abuse here and there, and when given the chance at eighteen to leave them behind and going to study in a different town, I never looked back.

The love of my life died when I was eighteen. He was probably the only one even remotely sane person in my life for six years, he always had something good and encouraging to say and he never made me feel like there was something wrong with me.  Him dying was probably one of the worst things that happened to me. One more emotional scar in my collection.

Because of the toxic upbringing and the hole in my heart, I wasn’t able to make the best choices in relationships either. My last relationship, the way I remember it, seems to have been toxic and seasoned with some emotional abuse. It might not sound that bad, but considering that my psyche was not in such good shape when it all started, you can imagine it was not a joy ride.

It took me a long time to understand and accept everything that happened to me. And I realized the consequences all those events had on me.  There are things about me that I will never be able to fix. But despite all that I am a functioning adult. I can hold down a job and I managed somehow to have a lot of friends that are way more sane than I am. I am aware of some things in my character that might be detrimental to others and I keep them under control and warn them beforehand, so they are aware of them and decide if they want to take a chance of being close to me or not.

That is why I am not keeping my struggles secret. I do not want to give anybody the illusion that I am normal(whatever that means). I want people to know I’ve been dealt a really shitty hand, but despite all that I am where I am. I am very vulnerable, but I am also very strong. If I could hold down a job, train other people to do it, inspire them and make people happy here and there, whatever kind of broken I am, it might be a good thing after all.

Sure, I will never stop working on myself, I will never stop monitoring myself and drag myself to a psychologist if I think I need it. Because I refuse to let my past define me, I refuse to let all this emotional baggage drag me down. I bloomed as a person despite all that. Sure, I wish sometimes things would have been different, but the past cannot be changed, and I refuse to be bitter because of it.

My parents will never say I’m sorry for being a shitty parent! because in their mind the person I am today is proof that they did a good job. So I accepted the fact that I shouldn’t be expecting that kind of closure.

The only thing I can do is keep blooming. Yes, I have some emotional scars. But honestly, with all that happened to me, it is ridiculous to expect anything else. Even rocks get scratched and chipped, by wind or water. I am sure everybody else has their own scars as well. And because I have mine, I know how to relate to people better. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, right?

Stay safe, stay happy!


Aug 18 2019

Happy birthday to me

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 10:15

This is it, the big 36, I’m now officially on my way to the 40s and I can’t wait for that to happen. Apparently, when you are 40 you are really out of fucks to give. Because lately, I have discovered I have a few left and I’m very good at making my life complicated because of them.

This is the second birthday after the John Mayer birthday. Yup that birthday is still number one. It’s not even that hard to win the competition honestly. Before that birthday I can’t remember one when I was even remotely happy. And after it, well… last year I spent it with my childhood friend and it was nice. You know what wasn’t so nice? Getting a fine because I overstayed my parking, and that happened because I did not read the instructions on the parking machine right. So yeah,  being 30 GBP poorer on my birthday, that doesn’t make it a good birthday in my book.

This year, well… I am here, in my favourite bakery, having a coffee with scrambled eggs on bacon and toast, while gazing over the Forth Bridge. It is not a sunny day, it is one of those typical Scottish days that cannot seem to be able to make up its mind and decide if it will be sunny or rainy, so it is a combination of both. I just got myself a ticket to a cruise to an island I’ve only seen from afar until now and I am waiting for the boat to come.

I tried last night to explain to somebody why I am so fascinated by this bridge. The oversimplification of the whole discussion is that this bridge seems like it has been over-designed and overthought. Its design is more complex than it should be for its purpose but sure as hell looks majestic.

One of my biggest character drawbacks is that I cannot stop overthinking stuff that happens in my life. I go over them over and over and based on multiple points of view I try to anticipate future events. Most times I am spot on(no, I cannot guess you the lottery numbers yet) which makes me a pain in the ass for people. I am also a pain in the ass for me because it is annoying to know the outcome of something I am involved in because it just … takes out the excitement and the surprise out of it. And when the outcome is painful, is even worse, because most times, the events are already set and no matter what I do I cannot stop it. But sometimes there are aberrations and when that happens I need some time to adjust.

That is why I like that bridge – because it’s like a metaphor for … well, me. All in all it was a good day with a very nice surprise at the end.

And since I’ve mentioned the beautiful island I spent my birthday exploring, here’s some pictures. Enjoy!

Stay safe, stay happy!


Feb 20 2019

I met David Duchovny again

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:11

I haven’t been writing for a while, but the main reason for that is that I was on vacation this time. I was in Dublin for 4 days to a David Duchovny concert. I’ve done this before, in 2016, so why do it again, especially since he is not really a great singer?

Well, he is one of my favorite actors. I grew up with X-Files and I fell in love with the character of Fox Mulder because of his interpretation. When he started singing, I was a little bit puzzled. But then again, if Britney Spears can do it, anybody in this world can. Especially a guy that studied at Princeton and Yale, a guy that took a year from his career to learn guitar and a guy that has been in the business of show-biz long enough to know what to do to continue  having a career and being in the spotlight.

I’ve seen other blog articles writing about how going to his concerts left them disappointed and such, I won’t even bother search for the article and link it. But if you are going to a David Duchovny for his music, at least appreciate the effort involved, even if the end result is not pristine. David Duchovny is no John Mayer, don’t get me wrong, but he also just started singing at 55. So for somebody doing this only for three years, I think the result is quite good.

Here is what I’ve noticed after two of David Duchovny’s concerts. In Dublin he engaged his public more than he did three years ago, he was way more approachable during the Meet & Greet. If three years ago I was told not to speak to him, this year I got to hug him, and he was smiling and being charming. Three years ago in Amsterdam, I was afraid I get ushered out by security if I touched him.

The Meet & Greet was better organized then the last time, but the paraphernalia was non-existent. At the previous concert I got a CD and a signed picture of him. Then again, nobody really uses CDs these days, and because he is also an author now, most people prefer getting his signature on one if his books. But yeah, it would have been nice if the picture was the default for people that were flying economy to be there, as I did, and did not really have space for a book in the small bag Ryanair allows.

But never mind, let’s move on from this. Let’s talk about the music. David Duchovny’s voice has a specific inflection that is quite sexy, but he’s no super-duper-vocalist. And he’s not lying to himself or to his fans about this either.

“I’m not a real musician,” he says. “I mean, I can play guitar well enough to write some songs on it, but I’m not a player. I didn’t even play on my own album. I’m not good enough.”

So if you go to one of his concerts, don’t expect him to be. But he is singing live, and jumping around and is obviously enjoying being there, and singing for the people in the room. And is doing this at 58, and he started doing this at 55. So appreciate the work and the effort. And then there’s the band, 5 very talented youngsters, probably half his age which he adores. During his concerts he talks about them a lot, and makes sure the spotlight is on each of them. And they are amazingly talented. Considering the struggle to make it in the music business, I think having David as a front-man ensured these guys will have an audience. So, if you don’t go to his concerts for him, go for these guys, because they are amazing.

If you want to go to his concerts and do not know what to expect, here is a snippet about his latest album.

“Every Third Thought” is David Duchovny’s follow up to 2015’s “Hell or Highwater” that Rolling Stone called “a likable, lyrically tart, vaguely Wilco-ish debut album.” The album moves away from the folkier vibe of the debut set into more rock territory.

I like his music because the lyrics of his songs are stories of a man that lived his life well, that has made mistakes, acknowledged them and learned from them. I like his lyrics because they they bloody exist and make sense. You won’t hear many yeah, oh, ah from him, because he fills the pauses with real words. Call me old-school, but I like songs that tell a story.

As for my encounter with him, well, meeting him temporarily turned my brains into mush. I wanted to tell him that I’ve read his books, that “Bucky Fucking Dent” is my favorite because it depicts a non-shiny life, with nothing extraordinary in it, because it depicts how love can grow in the most deserted places and because that book is a raw depiction of human relationships. I love it because it depicts a non-romanticized idea of love, love just is, just happens and will change your life in ways you could have never imagined. But all I managed to do is jump up and down smiling while telling him how thrilled I am to see him again. Which probably meant nothing for him because he definitely does not remember me from three years ago.

But no matter, I got to hug him, so all is well with the world. And if he continues singing, and keeps the Meet & Greet tickets at acceptable prices, probably I’ll go hug him again next time. :)

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Oct 11 2018

Back to my old shenanigans

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:53

Some time ago when finances became stable, I started fulfilling some of my childhood dreams. Might seem ridiculous, but as an adult, I’ve felt quite frustrated that I did not know how to ride a bike or swim. So as soon the opportunity showed itself, I started “fixing” those frustrations one by one. There is the TODO list on this blog of course, but there are more small things that I never got to do that feel so fulfilling when I get to do them. I learnt to swim when I was 27, learn to ride a bike when I was 28 and about the same time I got my driving license. The first two were denied to me because of lack of money and lack of opportunity when I was a child. The third – is one of those things I never even dared to dream about because well, I never expected to own a car. You have no idea how good it felt the first time I went to work on my bike. You have no idea how awesome it feels to swim confidently in the sea after yearning for the experience for so long. And my vacation during which I drove 2000 miles across US, is still the best one so far.

Anyway, my biggest passion is music. Unfortunately, because my parents never thought I was worth the investment, my only experience with music was the 18 years of the church choir. I used to be a soprano then, no idea if I still am. I now own a piano and a guitar and plan to learn to play them both by the time I am dead. Because I cannot create music myself, I am an avid music consumer. For me, music is rarely background noise. I like to analyze the sounds, identify the instruments, change in rhythm, voice inflections. I get lost in good music. And yes, when I reproduce I get creative too.

My tastes in music vary, the only two genres that I don’t really enjoy are Latino and Oriental. Otherwise, I have favorite singers and bands, based on the in instruments they have, voices or the lyrics they sing. For example, Darren Hayes is one of my favorite singers because of the perfect combination between meaningful lyrics and beautiful music. I love all his songs and probably know the lyrics by heart for each of them, and yes probably I could sing them as well. I like B.B. King, Santana and John Mayer, because of the wonders they can do with a guitar. I love Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald, Seth MacFarlane because of the jazz/blues sound, multiple instruments, very diverse voice inflections. I love Akua Naru for the voice and meaningful lyrics. And I love Rock music because it is the music that sets me free. Rock music is to music, as Linux is to operating systems. There are so many styles that I couldn’t list them all. But the one I love the most is alternative. I fell in love with this genre because, a long, long time ago, in a country far far away in East Europe, where good media could only be procured by not so legitimate ways, I found a list of MP3s sets named Alternative Collection. There were hundreds of them, and while I was a student I had them all written to CDs and listened to them a lot. There were a lot of American and Canadian bands, the rest of the world didn’t even know existed, but they were amazing.

The last Rock experience that I had was in 2015, when I went to Wacken with my dearest friends. Nothing compares to that, but the concert from two days ago reminded me how good for the psyche is a proper headbanging and scream singing. Well, proper and responsible adult headbanging, that does not leave you with destroyed neck muscles for two days, because as an adult I still have to work the job that provided the resources used to purchase the ticket. :D

Three Days Grace, Glasgow, 2018

This is the first concert I went to since moving to Scotland, and the taste for this kind of experience is back. Expect some more entries about concerts form now on. And if you are curious how they sond live, I prepared a little mash-up for now. I don’t really like to take pictures at concerts or record too much, because I really want to enjoy the moment, to get lost in the music, sing out loud and dance. Enjoy!

Stay safe, stay happy!

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