Oct 08 2021

A few thoughts before going to sleep

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:56

I have friends and we talk and since most of them are single we talk about satisfying their companionship needs and dating. I watch their struggles and wish the best for them, but daamn dating is hard. I don’t have the patience, not the time to do what they do, just … hang with somebody they barely know with the sole purpose of knowing them better. When I used to date, we had a common goal, passing exams or scoring at basketball.

Dating is especially  hard when you are over 30, with all your shit together and during a pandemic. Or you meet somebody that checks most of your boxes and they end up being anti-vaxxers, religious, bold, vegan, want kids or … they are allergic to cats, or all of these.

So, add in a few almost traumatic previous relationships and losing the love of your life at 18 and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a spinster.

That’s me, in case it wasn’t obvious. The irony is that I used to believe in love, write lyrics and songs about it, dreaming about the forever ever after. And then life happened, real unexpected, unforgiving, ruthless life. Because life doesn’t care who you are, how you feel, life just happens.

I am trying to be hopeful, to think about love with optimism, but I am afraid I can’t. I guess I am just too old and too anchored in reality to see love like that beautiful, dreamy thing I used to strive for when I was young and … naive.

Nowadays, when someone is nice to me, I just overthink it. When somebody says they like me I am asking in my mind, what do they like, really? Do they like the color of my eyes, hair, the proportions of my body, the way I walk, the way I look dressed in a certain way? Do they know me enough to like me? How long will they like me for?

When somebody says they love me I am asking in my mind, what they love? The person they know for a while, or the potential woman that I will become at their side? Do they think my strength, my cockiness and my vulnerability are just displayed as part of a seduction game? Do they consider what I want and need? Or they only think about what they want and need? Do they think about all the things we must juggle to be together? Because I do and it is overwhelming me.

They smile to me and in my mind, I calculate all the steps leading to a relationship, its evolution, and its end like a game of chess.

They get close and my heart collapses into itself for fear of breaking. If people could develop PTSD because of previous relationships, I would probably be one of the affected.

It is what it is, I am only human. I probably check most of somebody’s boxes, but then they find out I’m Romanian and I don’t want kids, and I looove garlic and cats.  It is what it is, and I accept my life the way it is. After all, it is not that bad. By Scottish standards this is quite great. So when my friends ask why am I not dating, my reply is why would I bother since I no longer have the time, nor the patience for it?

I hope you did not expect a conclusion, because there is none. Life is the way it is, accept it, live it and have a little bit of fun from time to time. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!

Oct 08 2021

I’ve became a morning person

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:15

My cats have suddenly decided that I should be a morning person. My old cat was very happy to sleep as much as I did, but the little Satan not so much. At 5 or 5:30 am he wants the window open so he can have some fresh air. So, I get up, open the window and crash back into bed. But it is autumn now and the air is … pretty cold, thus I cannot go back to sleep. So I get up from my bed and go have my coffee while playing some piano until 7. At 7 I get into my gym gear and go for some weight training, some cardio, and some steam room time. At 9, sometimes 9:15 am I am back at my desk ready for a brand new workday. Of course this means that I am going to sleep early, but oh well.

The good part is that I am now 59 kg in weight, and I fit clothes that I haven’t worn since 2014. By the end of the year I will post pictures so you can see what determination looks like. ;)

The other good part is that I get to see the sun rise every day, and most days it is very beautiful.

Since I am generous person, I am very happy to share my lovely sunrises with you. Just know that my phone camera does not do them justice.











Stay safe, stay happy!

Oct 03 2021

Come at me, life!

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:01

This week has been weird for many reasons. I cannot tell you many details, but a few of them can be wrapped up with a little nice bow in a useful(hopefully) entry.

Things are looking grim all over the world. People are not getting vaccinated in some countries which means there will still be more COVID variants. People that are sick and cannot get medical care because hospitals being filled with COVID patients are having a bad time too, some of them won’t make it through this pandemic. There are shortages here in there, of food, of fuel and others. Prices are increasing, some companies are going bankrupt and some of them before doing so they stop paying their taxes and so if you’ve just had a baby you might end up without any maternal pay. It happened to a friend of mine and it annoys me to no end that this is possible.

In Scotland things don’t look so bad for the moment, but Brexit is starting to put pressure on the UIK economy. Apparently, there’s a fuel shortage. I haven’t driven my car for the last two weeks, and I have an almost full tank, so I’m not affected at the moment. People are scared other things might be fucked, such as food prices. At the local pub where I have my dinner with my friend every Wednesday the prices are the same, so for now all good.

All good, for now.

Continue reading “Come at me, life!”

Oct 02 2021

Autumn dream

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:01

Last night I’ve fallen asleep after seeing the ending of Lucifer. I’ve loved the series since the beginning and even though this last season was the weakest of them all, was still nice to watch and I did not feel like the time watching it was wasted.

The last episode finished a little bit after midnight and the ending moved me more than I’d like to admit. Just because I don’t like to, that doesn’t mean I will deny it though. So here is me admitting it: Lucifer’s finale made my heart sink into itself and made me doubt that my romantic nature is forever gone.

The ending was beautiful and heartwarming, it’s what any human that is not a psychopath dreams about: the perfect partner, at their side, forever.

Continue reading “Autumn dream”

Sep 29 2021

Visiting during the COVID pandemic

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 14:47

I dread the question “When are you coming home?” when it comes from my friends and family living in Romania.  The main reason is because I never felt “at home” in Romania. I can probably blame this on my parents for moving often when I was growing up, and thus never having a fixed place where I felt safe and that I could feel at home. I however am an adult, and I am past the point where I blame all my issues on them, and acknowledge the fact that even after moving away from my family I never lived for long enough in a single place and never felt safe and content enough to call any of those places home.  Also, Romania is not the kind of country I ever felt safe and proud to be a citizen of. So, hearing my friends asking me when I come “home” blocks my brains for a few fractions of a second… it just doesn’t compute. I am home, who’s home are you talking about? Where do you think I live? And then I realize my mistake and answer… “To Romania, umm, not sure”.

Yesterday one of my aunts asked me the dreaded question. I had to blame COVID and Brexit for me not being able to go back to Romania to hide my total lack of intent of doing so.

This entry is not only about going home, is about going to see people in general. I’ve noticed something … peculiar. I’ve lived in Romania in a city that was a two-hour drive away from where most of my relatives lived, for 13 years. How many of them do you think ever came for a visit? Looking back, I did not invite them either, after all I was renting the place and lived with three other flat mates, but nobody ever showed any interest in where I lived and how either. With my closest friends we have this understanding that they are always welcome at my house and me at theirs, and they can come whenever they want to, as long as they let me know beforehand so I can prepare to host them properly. I would assume this goes for family as well. Does it need to be said explicitly?

Continue reading “Visiting during the COVID pandemic”

Sep 28 2021

Cats & Bats

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:26

Do you think a grown ass 38-year-old woman  is agile enough to hunt and catch a bat? If you think not, boy I have a story for you, and it happened just last night.

I live in an attic flat, and I have two cats. One of them is 15 years old and is a rotund mass of lazy named Psihoza. The other one is a hyperactive little Satan that is barely 7 months old named Mayer. Since he was a kitten Mayer has displayed all the behaviors of a feline predator. He tried hunting the seagulls nesting on the roof, he tried to catch some crows that were resting on the terrace, but as far as I know, he never actually caught anything until now. So yeah, he has the instincts, but not the skills. I bet you can match my cats with their names in the next picture from my description.

Continue reading “Cats & Bats”

Sep 26 2021

The unfairness of it all

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 13:43

When the pandemic started it was Christmas 2020. The first reports of people getting sick in high numbers came from China, and in order to keep the money flowing, and people from panicking, no government or government councils, dared to stop transport of people and goods from that area. We wouldn’t want to upset the biggest communist empire in the would, would we? Especially since we want/need their cheap goods.

So now the whole world is infected and affected. While China did what had to be done and enforced immediate and brutal lockdowns, the politicians in the non-communist world kept postponing making the right and hard decisions until if they tried, people would not have taken them seriously. Regarding certain matters, governing a country is like raising a child. To raise them right, sometimes you must make decisions they won’t like. If you are lucky and they are old enough, you might explain to them why you are making the decision and they might understand and accept it, even if they don’t like it. If the child is a toddler, or a child that has been spoiled and allowed to do all they wanted up until a certain point in their life, making a decision that affects them in a way they don’t like, won’t be accepted, understood, or tolerated and they will rebel.

People that grew up in rather democratic countries, and were provided an average education, if any, are the worst kind, they are teenagers grown up with too tolerant parents. So yeah, if their government tells them to stay in their homes for two weeks, of course they will rebel. If the government tells them they need to get mandatory vaccines, of course they will refuse and resist it. For the purpose of this entry, let’s ignore arguments such as poverty, and essential services, and others, let’s focus on the analogy. No wonder we have so many antivaxxers, antimaskers (I can’t believe these are actual words in the dictionary now) and people falsifying records to show they’ve gotten their vaccine.

Continue reading “The unfairness of it all”

Tags: , , ,