Sep 26 2020

The nineteenth year

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:34

Every September I start thinking of you, randomly, here and there. You pop up in my mind how you used to be, how I remember you. But every year that passes my memories of you are more and more distorted probably, and some of them are totally missing. And I don’t know if I’m crying because you are not here, or because my memories of you are slowly disappearing.

People say young love is not really love, since it is based on growth hormones going rampant in a teenage body. But quite a few years have passed since I was twelve and I know the way I love changed a lot. I am colder now, more rational and I run away at the first sign that my feelings impair my rational thinking. The tragedy of my upbringing manifests in my romantic choices never being the right ones; I am attracted to broken people as a moth to a flame.

But you, you were my first true love.
I loved you without any consideration for who you were and where you came from.
I was interested in where you grew up and school you went to because I was looking for things we could have in common even if you were from miles away.
I loved you so much I never thought of the man you would be, never lost time to think about your potential to keep a steady job or how you would be as a father.
My love for you was so innocent and pure and not tainted by society rules, opinions on what love should be. I had nothing to compare it to and I was not interested in doing so.
I loved you with a love so true, that nothing else mattered in this world, but your happiness.

After you were gone, I’ve seen you in a few people, but they all ended up disappointing me by … not being you. It was unfair and fucked up of me to expect them to be in the first place. But I didn’t do it intentionally, I would just catch a glimpse of their eyes, or a crooked smile and I would see you. And I was reminded that you are no longer here, but couldn’t help thinking that parts of you are still here.

If there is a heaven and a hell, I think this life that we are living must be hell, because all the persons that are genuinely good and kind and could make this world better, seem to disappear before they have the chance to make a lasting impact. And that leaves us, the bad ones, to struggle to make this world better and failing at our mission. It’s like the Devil plays this sick game with some of us, making us meet these wonderful persons to give us hope and then crushing it by taking them away.

Heh… oh well, as long as I’m still here I’d better make it interesting. I still miss you though.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Sep 23 2020

The House effect

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:52

I started re-watching House M.D. and I remembered why I love that series. First it shows adults behaving like children, but getting the job done. It shows people being themselves unbounded by political correctness or any other society norms we invented to protect snowflakes that were over protected by their parents and then send out into the world to be adults without being taught how.

And I was reminded how it feels to tell somebody that they are an idiot and not be afraid that the internet will lynch my Twitter profile. Because that is the problem when your internet persona is more of a brand than an individual user. You tend to try to polish that persona to be tolerable to a lot of people, so your books will still sell, and so recruiters will still call you when you are looking for a job. But fuck this, some people are idiots and I’m tired of keeping most of my revulsion towards some people in. Some people do not have to be protected from the worlds, because they have to bloody live in it.

I must have been influenced by this series, because I called somebody an idiot on Twitter. I haven’t done this in a long time and it felt so liberating.
Why did I do it? Well…

And since not all my readers are Romanians. Here’s the context. You probably heard of Simona Halep, right?
Apparently, some of my countrymen are unable to understand the amount of work necessary to be a world champion in tennis and seem to think she somehow does not deserve the money she made playing tennis.
The “blinking” user seems to think she doesn’t work more than the rest of us, or maybe she woks more just around the time of tournaments. So yeah, I replied to that tweet and told the person that they are an idiot. And proposed a marathon analogy. Everybody knows, you cannot win a marathon by only training one month before the tournament. He did not get it and thought I got … mad. Apparently, you cannot tell somebody they are idiots these days without being mad. This is what the world has come to. You have to feel something, to make such a “serious” affirmation. No, sometimes people are just being idiots and deserve to be told they are idiots.

I called him an idiot, because he was an idiot. And it felt soo… good. The internet did not crush me, I was not banned from twitter and I do not feel guilty about it. And my internet persona was not lynched.

Why did I feel the need to call that person an idiot? Because I trained six years when I was a child for the Olympics, well at least my trainer said I was Olympics material. (And my parents did not give a rat’s ass and moved across the country anyway. So yeah, six years of training went down the drain.) I know the amount of work it implies. I know the risks on your physical and mental health. So, nobody in this world should comment on the amount of money she deserves or not. Whatever she made, she worked for it.

Also, questioning the money a public person that actually proved their worth in quite a few tournaments is idiotic. Questioning politicians and their acolytes, questioning mobsters, questioning magnates such as Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and others, is expected, especially since they made their money by being taxed exempt. But … leave Halep and other athletes alone, because whatever money they made, I am sure they paid their taxes. Unlike … those other guys I previously mentioned.

I know I am fighting on the internet, how pitiful, how lame! Well, sometimes it must be done, because sometimes being called an idiot it what helps you grow. If there is any potential for that. I can only hope there was.

Stay safe, stay healthy!


Sep 15 2020

The irony of life

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:03

A while ago I went for a bike ride in my favorite direction, the Forth Bridge. I haven’t done it in a while and my muscles are weak and my knees feel weak too. I feared of falling a few times and I felt my heart jump as I haven’t in quite a while.

I’ve been a little bit down lately. I wouldn’t say I am depressed, just a little bit sad and disenchanted with life overall. It is 2020 after all, so I do have reasons to feel this way.

The bike path to Forth Bridge goes through this big piece of land called the Dalmeny Estate. I do not know who owns it, but I’ve seen some people play golf and I’ve seen a lot of Scottish hairy cows which look well taken care of. So, somebody with a lot of money owns this estate because they afford to pay the taxes for it, maintain the land, tend to a big herd of hairy cows and maintain a decent size castle.

So, there I was, taking a break on the stony pier in front of the castle and I was looking at it. And it hit me. No matter how hard I work, I will never afford that. And even if I could by some miracle afford it, could I afford to maintain it? How much work would that be? Do I need to hire people? How many? Does the council have anything to say in how I maintain the castle? Because if it is considered a historic building, who know what conditions I might need to fulfill to maintain it. So, I might be forced to give up my dream sex dungeon.  Yeah, it would be nice to live in a castle by the sea. But taxes, expenses and administrative responsibility would make it impossible for me to enjoy it.

Neah, I don’t need a castle. Maybe because I was sad, I just imagined I might be happier if I owned a castle. But if I’ve learned anything in my short life is that we can be poor and we can be rich, but we’ll always find reasons to be sad. Sure, any person longing to be richer will tell you they would prefer to cry in a castle, rather than a one room rented apartment. But being unsatisfied and sad, fells the same regardless of your social status. Of course, the reasons of being sad are different, but that feeling is exactly the same.

That is the irony of life, you can be rich or poor, but sadness will always find a way to seep into your mind and take hold of it and make you miserable. So instead of being sad because of that you do not have, just try to appreciate what you do have and currently are taking for granted.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Sep 11 2020

Where were you when…

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 19:27

On the 11th of September 2001 I was taking my admission exam to the university. I remember some friends that had mobile phones – and were called by their parents about it – started talking about it at the after exam beer.

Although Romania was thousands of miles away, it was an important topic. US was after all one of the countries where most Romanians ran to when escaping Romanian communism. So, it was important. The land of milk and honey, the land of unimaginable progress, the land where dreams come true if you are willing to work on them, the land of the free, home of the brave, the perfect democracy was hit hard. It seems US had made serious enemies.

There were a few voices that said, Well… they did it to themselves by not sticking to their piece of land and going to war with Arabic countries for cheap oil. Don’t they know those Arabs are nuts? We Romanians view Arabs as what is left from the Ottoman Empire, and those guys were many and were ruthless and our people has fought them for centuries.

I did not think of the country being hit, because “the country” is a pretty general concept. The people were the ones being hit. And some of them probably never benefitted much from that oil. It was unfair after all, normal people were suffering for ambitions of politicians. A lot of innocent lives were lost because some 1%-er wanted more.

19 years after that tragedy and US is destroying itself.

Sun Tzu, in the “Art of War” has one quote that I’ve always liked: “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.
Probably Osama bin Laden, somewhere in hell, is kicking himself right now for his part in that horrid tragedy, because he realizes he could have just lived his life and watched the news. The outcome would have been exactly the same.

I don’t want to be pessimistic; I am writing all these things and I am waiting for the reality to bloody contradict me at some point. I am only hoping for the day when I will write an entry about US, the Phoenix country rising brighter and stronger from the ashes of racism and Trumpism and I will praise it for becoming the biggest and best democracy of them all.

Until then, go vote for Biden and hope for the best!

Stay safe, stay happy!


Sep 04 2020

Big democracies do not exist

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:57

Here’s a thought, US was never a democracy, but if there is something US is good at, is bullshitting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not criticizing, I’m actually envious.  An averagely intelligent American could easily convince a gardener to buy cucumbers. American people are so good at wrapping things up nicely that they even did it to themselves. How the hell could American citizens ever believe they lived in the greatest country in the world is beyond me.

You are not living in a democracy when you need three jobs to pay rent and survive. That is still slavery, regardless of your color. You are not living in a democracy when your job doesn’t automatically come with medical insurance. You are not living in a democracy when as a person you can go bankrupt.  This concept of being bankrupt when not owning a business is only possible in the land of bullshit.

Why am I so convinced US is not a democracy? A country of that size and with so many people cannot be a democracy. Let’s look at the countries with the biggest population a little. Can you guess how many of those are democracies?

  1. China – dictatorship
  2. India — they have Modi as a prime minister and still have a caste system, I very much doubt their democracy
  3. United States – well, anti-racism riots managed in the same way China managed its Hong Kong protests  or the same way Ukraine managed theirs. Ukraine is not a democracy either. Add in the previous arguments. Do you still believe this is what a democracy looks like?
  4. Indonesia – well, theoretically it is. Practically, the newly elected politicians are drafting a system pretty similar to the US electoral system. So if this country is a democracy, it won’t be for long.
  5. Pakistan – do I even need to add something?
  6. Brazil – dictatorship
  7. Nigeria – dictatorship
  8. Bangladesh – calls itself a democracy, but it’s not. Its Wikipedia page is pretty clear on that.
  9. Russia – Putinorship.. aaa … Dictatorship, I meant dictatorship.
  10. Mexico – a flawed democracy

Look, a person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous.

Have you ever tried to reason with a group? The bigger the group, the harder it is to get your message across, and the harder is to control them. If you are trying to make a decision about something, even with a vote, things can still go wrong if you have a few loud-mouth,attention-seeking idiots. So yeah, it is very difficult to control a group, unless they are in chains, or they fear you, or both.OR you have brainwshed a few generations into submission.

Just ask a teacher how hard is to keep under control a classroom of 25 children. The way our society is structured right now, most adults barely mature, so believe me it is not a big difference.

It is a natural law, the bigger and more complex a system is, the more failure points there are, the more difficult it is to monitor it and keep it under control. So, a shitload of people doing what they want is a pretty fallible system. When it comes to people, they are quite easy to control. Just make them distrust each other. Confuse them, then divide and conquer them. What is happening in the US is the second stage. I have no doubt that Trump will continue being president and will modify the laws, so the position can be inherited. But, Trump and his acolytes are not killing people in the street. The police are part of the American people and they are abusing and killing thier own. US looks a lot like a big scale Stanford experiment. And that is terrifying.

The most ridiculous thing is that probably everybody imagined that US under Trump will be like the Idiocracy movie. Nobody thought that it might be so much worse. Because in the Idiocracy movie, their president was smart enough to know he was stupid. Trump doesn’t know that. He is the poster child for the Dunning–Kruger effect.

So yeah… rest in pieces US. You had us fooled for a while, I guess it was about time to come out as a … whatever the fuck that is.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Aug 22 2020

Man, having a different opinion is hard …

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 13:26

I received a comment a few days ago to one of my entries. It doesn’t happen very often because people rarely take the time to communicate online with a stranger these days unless they are contacting support. I previously wrote an entry about our country economies being fuelled by babies. It sounds somewhat macabre if you think about it. But it is also true. We are born and we are shaped into adults that are meant to be part of a society and … behave nice, almost submissive. So, somebody commented on it. Turns out, I know nothing, and I quote: You know what I think? That you would do anything to find a man and have a family. People are different and thus have different opinions. But she, because the commenter is a woman, does not have an opinion about my opinion and the ideas I expressed in my entry, she has an opinion about me. Not about what I expressed, but about me and how I think. This woman did not even give a second thought to the ideas expressed in the entry. She dismissed me without providing any arguments as why my ideas were wrong. She did not want to start a discussion. Because…

She did not doubt her knowledge or thinking. And this is one of the things I still don’t get about people, even after all my time on this Earth. I know enough about this world and about this life, to know that there is much I do not know. That is why I ended my entry with But, what do I know?. I am ok with not knowing, it took me a long time, but I accepted I will die not being sure of anything. But it is good to be aware of your limited knowledge, because it will stop you from making affirmations with too much conviction and ending up hurting someone. Because being fixed on an idea, is a sign of narrow-mindedness. Looking back into my past I remember one of my ex-boyfriends jokingly saying from time to time I don’t have many ideas, but the ones I have they are fixed. And people around him, including me would laugh at that joke and found it funny.
Continue reading “Man, having a different opinion is hard …”


Aug 20 2020

Through the looking glass

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:00

The national poet of Romania is one of our biggest romantics. He has written poems about political and historic topics, but he is most known for his poetry on love.

One of his works of art is a poem 99 verses long that narrates the story of love between a human, mortal girl and the immortal Lucifer, which is not the devil in this story but a boy living on the North Star. Or actually being the North Star. It’s quite unclear from the poem, but he is immortal and beautiful and represents that unattainable love interest.

They fall in love looking at each other at night and he comes down from the sky for her. Which is not an easy task to do, but he does it for love. He intends to marry her, but there is a catch. He asks her to come with him to his world, but she refuses. Apparently his immortality scares her and she tells him: “You are dead/I am alive/You are a stranger/Giving me the chills” (non-poetic translation right here).

She asks him to give up being immortal to be with her and he goes to his father (which is probably god, but his name is not uttered in the poem) and asks for this. This is not an easy task either and it also takes a while to travel and reach his father. While he goes through all this, she falls in love with a boy living in the castle. His father says no obviously and sends him to see the one for which he was ready to become mortal. He goes back to his place in the sky, and when the night comes, he looks down at his lover to see her in the arms of the mortal boy. He calls her a “face of clay” and the poem ends with him saying the following (this an attempt at a poetic translation, I tried to keep the meaning and some rhymes for you, so it sounds nice):

Wasting away your little lives,
The nothing takes ahold,
While in my world I always feel,
Immortal and so cold.

Continue reading “Through the looking glass”