May 03 2019

Blast from the past (part 3)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:31

Somebody said that the previous entries were kinda grim, but I told you, I will write here what I remember related to the context in which the pictures were taken. I was not in a good place for most of my life, honestly sometimes I’m looking back and I still think it is a miracle I made it to 30. But I did make it, and my experience is nothing special really. It is normal to be scared, it is normal to be sad, it is normal to have doubts and it is normal to be broken. And it is also normal to fix yourself. Which I am confident I did, but working on yourself is a never ending process.

We’ll jump to 2008, because for some reason I have no pictures from 2007. I am not sure it is related, but 2007 was a really busy year. I had full time job, and when I say full time, I mean 8-12 hours, because I was so eager to learn and grow professionally I was overworking myself.  I was also teaching at the university, so the amount of work hours per week was around 70-80. It is also the year when I decided to fix my teeth, all of them, so I made no other investment that year. So no camera, no fancy phone. In 2007 I also moved from campus to a really nice house that I rented with my now best friends and parents of my godson. So it was quite a happy period full of work and spending time with my friends.

The picture is taken on that house’s balcony. It was taken by my then boyfriend, a great guy but a little lost and demotivated at the time. He is now a proud father and is kicking ass in his profession, he is married to a very amazing woman, that is not me, but that I am proud to call my friend.

I remember I loved that shirt, but I was reluctant to wearing it in public because, yes you guessed it, I thought I was fat. He convinced me to wear it for this picture and I really cannot remember another time when I wore it.

If I remember well, the building in the backend is a school for children with disabilities. The house between that big building and house I lived in was inhabited by a family living on social wages, that had three kinds during the 7 years I lived there. The street the house was on was named Marta, number 18 and the location is quite close to city center.

I lived in that house from 2007, until 2014 when I moved to Sibiu. The people that rented the house to me and my boyfriend were wonderful people and I still consider them my friends. They took a risk by renting the house to me and my boyfriend and I will always be grateful to them for their trust.

I moved to that house because campus life was getting difficult for me and my two cats. Yes, I found my first cat, a tomboy which I named Bebe one night when I was coming back from work. He followed me after I gave him some pets and I could not abandon it. The second cat, it was so small she could fit in the palm of my hand and somebody found it and gave it to me because they just did not know what to do with it. My room mates from that time probably still hate me for my innability to say no  to cats.

I have a lot of happy memories from my time living in that house. Of course there are some sad ones, but this is how we grow.

Stay safe, stay happy!

May 02 2019

Blast from the past (part 2)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 3:22

Still in 2006, a little bit close to summer, not sure how or why, but I met a goth girl that was preparing her final project in fashion design. And obviously her project included a few complicated Goth attires, and for reasons that baffle me to this day she decided I would be perfect to model one of them.

My then boyfriend had a great camera so he took the photos on top of one of the Iasi campus buildings. He took over 1000 pictures, not of me, there were other models as well, but somehow those pictures were lost, they are on a CD in Sibiu, in a case I donated before I moved to Edinburgh.

During faculty I was what it was then called an “emo-kid”, like a goth girl, but with less fancy clothes, less sexy attitude and quite a lot of sadness and probably some anger at the world. I was angry that I did not get to apply to the university I wanted. I was angry I was so poor and I had to stretch my scholarship to the absurd to finish that damn faculty that I did not want to do in the first place.I was angry the most important person in my life died and my first love did not love me enough.

Sure I had a boyfriend, but at that time I had my doubts about that relationship. It is always a bad sign, when you like his family more than you like him. And I loved his mom, his smart aunt, his frail grandma and his agitated dog. But he, he was at the time quite … not like them. He was selfish, superficial and he loved me with a hunger that was overwhelming. I am sure he is a better person now.

While I was on that roof and those pictures were taken, I was thinking what were my chances of survival if I fell. I was stressed because of my final project, lacking the motivation to finish it, being scared out of my mind that I would not be able graduate and find a job and this boy hungry for love and togetherness could not understand my struggle and just wanted to spend time with me. I did not understand, why would you want to spend time with a nervous wreck like me? And he never knew of my suicidal thoughts, because I did my best to hide from him how broken I really was.

And aside from that, can you believe I also viewed myself as fat? Seriously, I chose that attire because it was black and covered me completely.

Anyway, that was me then, struggling, but nevertheless fighting and surviving. And damn, I really had amazing hair, didn’t I? ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!


May 01 2019

Blast form the past (part 1)

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 4:19

In a comment of the previous post I’ve promised to try to add here some pictures from my youth. Since I’ve never been rich, I don’t have many pictures of me from when I was a kid or an adolescent. I actually started to take pictures and save them in 2009, after I found a camera. Yes, found, on the ground, I don’t even remember where. I just know that I found it, it was in bad shape and my boyfriend at the time managed to fix it. Pictures from that time don’t have the best quality though, but they’re better than nothing.

The oldest picture I have of myself is from 2006 (I think). Somebody else took that picture of me, and I did not even know how or why, but he shared it with me later. And since I’m not posting a lot of pictures, I will add what I remember about that time.

In this picture I am 21 years old, I am in the 5th year of faculty, in a city called Iasi, located in the North-Eastern part of Romania. I am wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt and on the wall on my left are dried roses I received from my then boyfriend, let’s call him John, who was a sweet and simple guy, but my friends all had the impression I was out of his league. We were quite an odd pair and  turns out I really was out of his league, but realized it quite late, when things started to go downhill after one year or so of being with him.

There is also a poster of Vile Valo on my wall, I remember keeping it there just because it pissed up my hip-hop listening boyfriend.

The way of keeping my pens from getting lost was quite ingenious and I think I used that system of a piece of hard paper stuck with tape to the wall for years until my pens became too many to keep that way.

The CRT monitor you see is a View Sonic  17″, and I do not remember the model number, but I bought it from a second hand shop and I payed a very low price, but it was pristine. If LCD and LED monitors wouldn’t have become cheaper, probably I wouldn’t have given it up. I don’t remember where that monitor ended up. But now that I remember how good it was I will probably check out and see if the company still exists and what are they selling these days.

And that’s pretty much it.

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Apr 17 2019

Somebody that I used to know

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:02

Last evening I took a break from working on my book, because when checking my phone I’ve seen a friend request on the unmentionable social network that governs us all. I did not recognize the person, but she was asking me to give her a sign when I’m around. And I did. Turns out she was somebody I used to hang with during the summer of 2010. She was reaching out because in that period, at one of the events she used to hang out with a guy and I was the one taking pictures of everything, and she wanted to know if I still happen to have the pictures. Why? Because she met that guy again after 10 years and apparently they just … hit it off again. And she thought it would be funny to reminisce over their youth.

Well, some time ago when I tried opening my yearly archives, I noticed that during one of the multiple copy and paste from HDD to HDD, some of them got wrecked and I lost quite a lot of pictures. Not the ones she was looking for though, she was really lucky. The directory with the pictures and movies was intact and I gladly send it to her via wetransfer.

While looking for the pictures she was hoping I had, I’ve stumbled about some others, some of them with some old flames and my latest boyfriend. I haven’t looked at those pictures in years, I forgot I had so many. Also, after the breakup, I archived everything and did not open them until this year, because I want to make a photo album with my parents with pictures from all the years I’ve been away from them. So last night I’ve also scrolled through the earliest years of my last relationship. I was always fearful that if I ever see those pictures again my heart will break all over again. But looking at those pictures, I barely recognized the man in them. And funny enough, I was not attracted to that person. I remember loving him, I remember thinking of him as sweet and cute. Now I was like… what did I ever see in this person?

And I realized that the reason he seems so foreign, is that in these ten years I have became a different person and it is quite possible my taste in men has changed too. I have changed my life context twice, I’ve traveled and learned so much, I’ve met so many people that were good to me and genuinely amazing persons. Now I accept that he was a necessary brick in the road I’m walking on, a crooked one that hurt my feet. But when they healed, they made my skin tougher and now I can walk even farther.

Long time ago I told him that I accept all the bad things that happened to me and I am grateful for each and every one of them and no matter how much they hurt, I wouldn’t change a thing because they lead me to him. Now he is one of those bad things that hurt me, one of the those things that are leading me somewhere. I don’t have enough imagination to even try to figure out where or to whom, but I am really thrilled about it.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Apr 13 2019

My first crush

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 8:14

I’m not sure when I first saw “The never ending story“, but I loved the idea behind it. I cried when Artax, Atreyu’s horse, drowned in Swamp of Sadness, and at the time the analogy for the mental illness of depression was not lost on me. Even if it was not as loved as the first one, I loved “The Neverending Story II” as well. Probably because I had the appropriate age. Bastian was growing up, making mistakes and atoning for them. Bastian was becoming an adult, but learning not to lose his imagination either.

And Bastian was played by Jonathan Brandis that probably was my first crush. I liked his blue eyes, his dimple chin and the way he smiled, by pulling the corner of his left cheek a little harder than the right.

I remember having posters with him on the walls in my room. I definitely had this one.

And then Seaquest happened. I loved that series and I used to wake up at night to watch re-runs. I loved seeing him grow up from a kid into a beautiful young man. The fact that in the series they paired  him at some point with a hacker named Julianna might have been the moment when I decided that maybe being a software engineer is possible for a girl. I was so fascinated with him that I remembered writing letters to some papers asking them to write articles about him and print pictures with him. And they delivered.

I re-watched Seaquest during my faculty years, because I just could not accept that he was dead. He killed himself in 2003. I had access to internet by then and I Googled him from time to time. The news broke my heart, and it was very difficult to explain to my boyfriend at the time why. For him, he was just an actor, one of many. For me, it felt like we grew up together. There are a lot of assumptions about the reasons behind his suicide, and it is so sad to read about it. He was a single child of good decent, hard-working people and I am so sad for his parents, because they must be inconsolable.

Every year, around the time when his birthday would have been I remember him and watch an episode of Seaquest to remember his blue eyes and his voice. And I wonder how he was as a person. What kind of pancakes did he like most? Did he even like pancakes? What did he like to do on Sunday mornings? Which book was his favorite? I dreamed of meeting him one day and asking him all these questions while sharing my own preferred things about this world. I really, really wanted to get to know the man that brought my favorite character from Seaquest to life. But I guess every teenager with a crush of him at the time wanted the same thing.

Rest in Peace, dear Jonathan. I am glad you were part of my life through your work. I only wish you would have stuck around, because we might have ended up meeting one day.

[Later edit] And for all of you fighting suicidal thoughts, just you wait. Things are never as bad as you think, and reality beats movies when things start going right. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was about 10 years old. I made it to 32 and finally won the battle. You will too and there are people willing to help. And feel free to drop me an email if you feel the need to talk about it. Just hang on and stick around, don’t rob someone of the pleasure to meet you.

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Apr 07 2019


Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:38

I’ve had a dream last night in which I was trying to give somebody a phone number. The context is irrelevant, although the dream was quite complex, but I remember vividly scrolling through my contact list and instead of finding the desired contact, I kept finding contacts marked with letter F and digit 2.

I’m not superstitious, and I definitely do not believe that dreams have some kind of meaning, but I do believe, the brains does some sort of partitioning while we sleep and re-arranges information for long duration storage. So, since in my dream I have seen those two characters enough times to remember them clearly, I am very curious which information was my brains partitioning.

It could be the F2 computer key, which I barely use on my Mac and I really have no idea what it does.

It could be a reference to the F2 – Fun and Frustration movie, which is a Telugu language comedy film, but I’ve never been really interested in this type of movies.

I also found this twitter account: TheF2, which references a football club. I play football every Wednesday, so it might be that. :D

Or it could be a reference to F2 – Formula 2, I like fast cars and I like driving, so there might be a connection here.

Or it could be a reference to this Youtube channel which contains videos made by three kids with big dreams.

Or it could be a reference to this plane: Mitsubishi F-2 , which apparently is an awesome plane, also known as Viper Zero. Still, never been interested in fighter planes, not even one as cool as this one.

But there’s another one option, there is a US visa named F2 that is a non-immigrant visa which allows dependent spouses and children(unmarried, under 21 years old) to enter into the U.S. So.. I guess that’s it. Secretly I obviously desire to marry and American and become a US citizen. :D

I’ve had so much fun trying to figure out my brains was doing last night, but it is high time I give up. I do have some work to do after all.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Apr 06 2019

Medici, a series with great actors

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 14:42

A while ago I tried watching the Medici series on Netflix. For some reason, I gave up at the first episode, probably the story was not advancing fast enough and me, and me not having any knowledge of Italian history could not fill in the missing gaps, nor was I motivated to wait for things to start happening, because I had no idea of the direction where things were going.

The series is not an easy one to watch either. The music is mostly classical, piano and violin and everything, and sometimes you just watch some action happening in the background while the front line is represented by a full dramatic symphony that seems to go on for ever. If you do not appreciate that kind of music, you might find it difficult to watch the movie. Also, those background scenes are important for the plot, so you’d better not let yourself get lost in the music. The music in the movie is absolutely genius, you feel smarter just but watching the series.

Also, there are a lot of silent moments, that are surprisingly not boring and relevant for character development. The actors keep acting during those scenes, I swear you can read some internal drama on Richard Madden’s and Daniel Sharman’s faces. Richard Madden, I already knew is a great actor with a lot of experience in movies like these, especially after seeing him on Game of Thrones, but Daniel Sharman was an absolute surprise. I’ve only seen him in teen shitty dramas, where the only talent an actor needs is to be good looking, and boy he does have that. But I really hope, he gets to play more serious roles, because he has a lot of potential.

Otherwise, the series is amazing, the stories are build up slowly and realistically. I’ve found myself wishing for the survival of some characters and absolutely loathing the villains in the Pazzi and Abizzi families. Those actors really, really did a great job, because they were so easy to hate. I could have never imagined Sean Bean as a villain after Game of Thrones, but there he was and boy, I hated Jacopo de’ Pazzi during the series.

Another thing about this series is that it will not give you closure. There are some events that happen in the movies, that are viewed by the characters from a different angle, and leads them to do idiotic things. If you expect them to ever find the truth and realize their mistake, well… that never happens. So you are left with this bitterness of being unable to influence events, and with your imagination active trying to reshape events in the form they might have been in, if on;y the truth would have been able to come out somehow. I think this is the strength of the show really, maybe it might not be historically accurate, but it sure feels like it, because events do not turn out the way we expect them to, they turn out exactly how they were written to many years ago. This series might help you grow up a little, and realize what every adult must accept at some point in their lives: that past cannot be changed, so don’t dwell too much over it, or you will endanger your future.

Another side effect this series might have on you is that, you might fall in love with Florence. I’ve never really bean fascinated with Italy, even more, I’ve been avoiding going to Italy for a long time. There are some personal reasons for my attitude, that I might cover in a different entry, because I know that they are irrational and illogical and I’m not even sure how to explain it. But this movie really made me curious about this country, so after going to the already established vacation destinations for this year, next year, I will definitely go to Italy. And most probably, I will start with Florence.

Netflix really did a good job with this series and I really hope they continue it in the same style. I enthusiastically recommend you watching it.

Stay safe, stay happy!