Iuliana Cosmina

People that know me well know that I am an atheist and I don’t really fraternize with overly religious people. Even if you are not trying to convert me and are not wearing your belief as a badge of honour, if you have an imaginary friend that you think approves of every shit you do, because it hasn’t smitten you yet, we cannot have any kind of relationship. I do not have an issue with agnostics, or people that just believe that there must be something bigger than us out there. I have a problem with people that believe in an all powerful god that has his reasons for doing anything and that gives you strict rules to live your life by.

So why do I really have an issue? There is the reason I mentioned previously, if you think everything you do is good and right and you are a good person just because your god hasn’t smitten you yet, that means you could do bad things and you would have no idea. Because you have no reason to doubt your actions.

The other reason is because … well, before telling you that I should tell you that I was raised catholic – the worst kind of catholic, the romano-catholic one. My mother was a strong believer and she repeated the “believe it, do not research it” chorus a lot of times throughout my life. A few days ago, I discovered my old poetry and song books and realized just how big the part of my life and my mind was taken up by that belief. It was disgusting to have a glimpse into my child/adolescent mind and realize the extent of the indoctrination.

When I was a child/adolescent I fell in love with a person, a person that was kind, and jolly and supportive. He did not love me back, because, oh well… there were special circumstances, but I loved him and he was in my morning and evening prayers, I wanted him to have a good, beautiful life because, out of all the people I knew, he deserved it the most. And I was a passionate believer and respected all the rules, did my volunteering work, sang in the church choir and I did everything right. And my only wish, the only thing I asked my god was to make sure this person had a happy life.

And God listened.

And made him he die in a stupid accident when he was 20.

I asked my mother and I asked priests why do things like this happen. Why does God takes the ones most worthy? They said, it is precisely because they are worthy and wants to make them into angels. Some said sometimes God punished others for their sins by taking persons they love (which is a fucked up explanation, if you want to know my opinion). To keep it simple, if there is a God, this entity is so fucked up that kills kids for their parents sins or kills them just because he can. And he does not even have to justify it, being all powerfull and all.

So, if you believe in a God that does this, how could you imagine you can be my friend? Do you not realize that you literally have the highest appreciation for an entity that killed the person I loved most for a big period of my life? How do you think we could ever be friends?

This is not a sad post, or just another me living in the past episode. It is just an explanation for a few people in my small universe, that I needed to share it with the internet as well. Why? Just because I can. On my blog I am the all powerful god. :D

Stay safew, stay happy!

You might have noticed I haven’t written in a while. I take breaks from blogging when I get a bout of depression, when I am too busy with works or my free time is full with other activities.

Good news my dear humans: I am not coming down with a bout of depression! I’ve been quite busy with work and I’ve had a friend over for a few days. I haven’t had a friend from Romania coming over for quite a while. The previous visit was in August and after that I’ve only spoken Romanian when talking to people on the phone.

The friend that came over – I’ve mentioned her before, it’s the fearless mountaineer friend that I admire so much. And these five days having her here were some of the best in my life. I don’t think I actually know another person that is so similar to me when it comes to food tastes, preferences to spend my time and apparently wines.

I needed a special reason to open a 36 year old bottle of port wine and her presence here was the perfect one. Athough we had a little difficulty with the cork, that after 36 years was quite fragile, we managed to open the bottle and enjoy it. And let me tell you, that bottle was worth the money, because it is one of the best wines I’ve tasted in my life. Everything about it was perfect.

A while ago, after my previous flat mate moved, I got a little bit sad, because I realized how lonely it is to live alone. Even if the previous flat mate and I did not really have an excellent co-habitation, I still felt a stronger pang of loneliness after he moved. But after having her here, I realized how silly that was. Living with the wrong person is worse than living alone. The same goes for any kind of relationship that involves two persons. Sometimes people just don’t fit, sometimes for anything really, so it’s better to just … let them go.

Anyway, I took her to visit all my favourite places in town and directed her to the places I love out of town, so she could go there in the days when I was working. I borrowed Dragonfly, my bike, to her because she loves biking everywhere and she had a blast. So, how did I spend my weekend?

I took her to the Portobello beach.

Then I took her to the centre of the city for a taste of Scottish culture.

And then I took her for a hike on Arthur’s seat to see the city from above.

There was some drinking involved, some of my perfect rib-eye steaks and some cat cuddling.

When I came back home today it just hit me, a little pang of sadness, because I really, really missed her. And I joked with her that she should have stayed longer, so she had enough time to become annoying. :))

And that’s why I took a blogging break, to focus on my work, on my piano playing and on spending as much time as I could with my friend.

I recently read an article that people cannot have more then 5 best friends at the same time, and about 150 acquaintances. Your brains and your free time just cannot handle more than that. But those 5 best friends should be so close that you would have no issue helping them bury a body. Well, not sure how many you have, but when talking about it with her, she mentioned that probably has none, and I think I might have 3. But I’m not sure is reciprocated. I would definitely help them bury a body, but if the situation were reversed, I’m pretty sure their partners would have something to say about it. :D

Stay safe, stay happy!

I am over 30 and dating is brutal at this age. Especially after you’ve been single long enough. Because you have time to think, to analyse your past relationships, how they started, how they evolved, how they ended and why. I use to do this from time to time. Some people might say I’m living in the past, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it I analyse the data of failed experiments to make sure the future ones do not fail. Or at least to not fail in the same way.

When it comes to love, a scientist would describe it like this: there are 3 stages involved with falling in love — namely lust, attraction, and attachment. Each stage involves different types of chemical reactions within the body (specifically the brain). Along with that, there are different hormones present in the body helping to excite all these three stages (lust, attraction, and attachment) separately as well as collectively. Lust is said to be the initial stage of getting involved with love. The feel of lust is basically backed up or instigated by the sexual hormones within the body. When you are younger and the brains just starts to produce those hormones, things gets a little crazy, because it needs to adapt to the effects of the newly discovered ability. When we get older, things get weirder. Because the logic of past experiences starts to come into play and the brains thinks it knows how to handle the surge of hormones better.

If lust starts it all, how do we explain the way love starts in a world where more and more relationships start on the internet? Or how can we explain the connection some people mention they have felt with another person?

Recently I’ve had more than one person telling this to me: they are waiting to meet the person they feel a connection with. One of them told me he felt the connection when his partner just used a specific phrase in a conversation they were having. Another one, he just looked into her eyes and was hooked. For some, it happened instantly, for some it happened later, because of some context they happened to be in. For another friend of mine, the connection seem to have appeared when he realized they both had the same favourite song.

But, for some it happened instantly, for some… I guess one of the partners, just decided the other person was decent enough to worth their time, thus allowing them to become familiar to that person and then in the context when they were relaxed with each other, the connection happened.

Look at it this way – you want to build a bridge over a river. On the other bank, another person, has seen you and decides to help. The bridge doesn’t happen instantly, unless one of them is a wizard of some kind. And even then, magic has a cost and spells can be cancelled. But, if you coordinate efforts, use good materials and take the time, the bridge you create will be sturdy to sustain the connection for years to come. Because, unless you are some kind of psychopath, this is all we desperately want — a durable connection. And that takes time and work.

But still, maybe the connection these people are mentioning  is the thing that makes the other person across the river decide to start building that bridge with you. So, what would make the other person want to do that? Well, it’s all in the mind really, and in something we call coincidence. If you want it desperately enough, you will subconsciously look for a sign. And you will manufacture it yourself without even realizing.

But there are always the most logical of us that don’t believe in signs or don’t trust them and that prefer to really know the person across the river better before starting to build that damn bridge. Or maybe we’ve just been hurt so many times, and we tried building so many bridges only to have our time wasted and ended up with so many half bridges we’re just too exhausted to try again. Also age and past experience messes things up. With age some rationality of feelings should emerge. But it totally freaks me out when I hear grown men searching for a connection or waiting to fall in love and instantly if possible, because time is precious, they have so many things to do, and they want a reason to decide fast if that person is worth their time or not. But knowledge takes time. How the hell an adult does not know that? It took me more than two months to realize somebody wasn’t worth my time and I’ve lived in the same house with the guy for most of that time.

Think about it like this: how many of your friendships developed instantly? And how many have survived into adulthood? How long did it take you to designate somebody your best friend? Because being in a relationship with somebody, is like having a best friend that you also do kinky stuff with, and live with and make huge investments together. Well, a best friend is not a best friend when you meet him or her. They become your best friend in time, maybe even after some storms have rocked your friendship and sometimes even some distance was involved. (Just ask Marianul how many things our friendship has survived.)

As for me – since I’ve written such a long article about it I guess I owe you some under the bonnet info – the last time I felt a connection with somebody it was the end of our second date, when seemingly out of nowhere he pulled out a red rose. Being still young and a hopeless romantic it worked like a charm on me. As it turned out later, that gesture meant little to him, he did not gave me that flower because he thought I was special, or because he felt something special about me. He just thought that was the expected thing to do when you go out with a girl. So I guess, that was the last time I trusted my instincts and felt a connection. Because it was all me, it was all in my mind. It wasn’t real. I manufactured it because I needed it so badly.

And the mind is very good at playing tricks on you. But yeah, good luck to all you brave romantics for trusting your gut when it comes to connections. I envy your bravery.

Stay safe, stay happy.

I started writing technical books in December 2014. Why did I do it? Because I had a lot of time on my hands. I just moved to a new city where I knew nobody and I did not have anything to do after work. Sure, I could have done what every millennial is doing and go to the gym. But gym has never been my thing. Also, after the bad breakup at the beginning of the year, I did not want to put myself in the position of even risking to meet anybody else. I felt like I needed to be alone, to fix myself, to finally figure out what I need, or better said .. who I need.

Also, having a technical book to write gave me the perfect excuse to refuse people asking me out. I felt like letting my introvert in peace for the first time in my life. And boy I did it. I wrote the first one and I’ve complained about being exhausted and not having a life because of it until September, when I finished writing it.

I took my three months of vacation, and then accepted to write another one. Why? Because of the topic of the book, this book was the first I wanted to write about in the first place. And that book just got a second edition that will be published in January 2020.

If you think writing this book was easier and that my attitude changed, you are mistaken. I still complained about not getting enough sleep and not having a life and blaming it all on the book. But still, I’ve managed to get promoted at my full time job and managed to make some friends. So it wasn’t all bad.

And after my next three months of vacation from writing, of course I’ve accepted to write another book. And this one has a funny story, because I told my PM at Apress that I just want to do reviews, I did not want to write a book from scratch. But what I got to write was the 5^th revision of Pro Spring, and boy that was a lot of work. But that book had a history, being its 5^th edition and all and having my name on it raised the sales of my previous books. So 2017 was a great year, because it definitely consecrated me as a technical author, but also because of other reasons. I managed to finish the book two weeks earlier than planned and enjoyed my US vacation fully.

And of course, again I said to myself that I’m taking a one year break from writing to get myself a life. And what did I do? I accepted to write Java for Absolute Beginners, the 9+ way. This book got published last year, and again I wanted a break, but when I was told one of my books will get a second revision I couldn’t say no. And I wrote this one too and when this entry is being written I am on my writing vacation again.

And I actually told Apress this time that I want to take a year off, and what did they say? Sure sure, smart ass, but if Spring 6 comes out, would you be interested in writing the 6^th edition of Pro Spring?

Continue reading “If I ever get around to living”