I am writing this in a hotel room in Baltimore, because I am so tired that I cannot sleep. And I might have a little bit of a cold coming up, but how I got here is a long story. I can tell you one thing, this is starting to feel like a real vacation for me. Since I left from Sibiu there hasn’t been one night with less than 10 hours of sleep for me. Anyway, let’s begin.
I left Sibiu on the morning of the 11th of August, after barely sleeping three hours. I was so scared that I would forget something, that something bad would happen and I would miss the plane and this obviously translated in the inability of falling asleep. I slept on the plane to Munich, and then I slept in the Munich airport, and later I slept on the plane to Washington DC. I would have slept more if the bloody Lufthansa personnel wouldn’t have made so much noise with them serving stuff every two hours. Seriously, it felt like a Romanian wedding. So much food and drinks, and this was the economy class.
I would love to say that I’m back, that will write more often from now on. The truth is that I really don’t know. I do not have much to write about these days, I seldom left my small home office for months now. Well, except from going to work and doing groceries that is.
I’ve been working like crazy to finish my new Spring book, before going on vacation and I cannot believe it that today It was the day when I submitted the last chapter. Of course some reviews will be necessary, because well… my English grammar might not be that good. And considering that the release date is 6 months away, a lot might change until then. Java 9 might get released and Spring 5 might release the Java 9 compatible version. Truth is, only time will tell. What I can tell you for now is that I’m done for the next month or so with sleepless nights. I’m done with the stress of getting it done, I’m done with the thinking of how things could be re-arranged, how concepts could be explained better. I’m done.
And as usual, when this happens, I mean, I’ve been here two times before, there combination of bitterness of things that I will not get to do anymore, like stress on a damn implementation that does not work as advertised and I need to figure out why and the anticipation for things that I have the time to do now.
After my vacation I will start my guitar lessons. Or piano. I’m not sure yet. I will learn Kotlin. I will deep dive into Thymeleaf. I will start working on that application idea that has been bugging me for a while. I will sleep more. I will exercise more. I will go out more. I will play more.(because I really miss Heroes 3)
I have no words. I guess I just waited for this to sink in. Chester Bennington finally gave up. After battling depression and addiction for years, he finally broke. I really hoped he wouldn’t. But he did. I did not listen to Linkin Park in a long while. I do not really like their new sound, adapted to the modern tastes in music. But I loved “Out of Ashes“. That is the last time I really focused on his lyrics and his voice.
He was a tortured soul, he had a rough start in life. And he used his music to reach people who felt just as broken, just as hopeless, so they won’t feel alone in their struggles. And he reached me, a 16 years old girl looking for a place in the world, feeling the world was shutting her down at any turn and any try. Linking Park was the band that opened up the world of Rock Music to me, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
Now it sunk in. I feel like I lost a childhood friend. The world was so mean to him, it hurt him in many ways. I really, really hoped, he would somehow manage to put all that behind him. Oh well, at least now he’s free, nothing hurts anymore. Rest in peace Chester.
Today is my last day as a manager. I was offered the position of course. I’m not bragging, it is not a vertical promotion, it’s a horizontal one. I did not give a clear answer, but I hinted that this is not the job for me, for more than one reason.
Anyway, I’m happy not to do management work anymore. I hate meetings, I hate excels and PPTs and people who corner you into deadlines without giving you clear specs. I left work later because I had to write a lot of emails to handover management responsibilities.
It was sort of a good day, although it was not a good week. I have insomnia again, I could barely get out of bed in the morning for two days, and the guy I’m in love with and does not reciprocate(because this is how I roll) has moved an ocean away for about six months. So, I get in my car and go home. And lo and behold the chicks downstairs took my parking space. Well, not mine because I pay for it, mine because is the only one across my house and they moved in fucking last Saturday. As I said, it is not actually mine, so I go and park my car next to the park, 5 minutes away. Not a problem, I enjoy the walk usually, but today I just walked come with tears falling from my eyes.
I just wished I had a boyfriend who would go to those bitches and tell them a few bad words. Because they are loud, and because I helped one of them two days ago when she forgot her phone in a taxi and this is what I fucking get in return.
I do my best to be a good person, but sometimes I just want to stop getting out of my home. Because I give, and I understand, and I forgive and don’t bother and I’m patient and I try and I try and I try… and for once I would like to have somebody acknowledge that I am a good person and love me for it and consider spending the rest of his or her life with me.
I just wish for once, somebody would be patient with me, somebody would try to fucking make me happy, I just wish somebody should at least try… I just wish somebody would fight for me, would defend me, just once. I know that I’m strong, and I’ve been fighting and defending myself and others until now so it’s not like I can’t do it. But I get tired, and for once I’d like somebody would fight and defend me.
Oh well, it is what it is.
Stay safe, stay happy!
[Later edit]: This is just a rant. I don’t really need a boyfriend. A father or a brother might have been more suitable for the job probably. ;)
This year started with some plans being broken, so I kinda got used to the idea that nothing interesting is going to happen. Thus I just drowned myself in work. At least that was the plan, and it seemed to work, at least until the 23rd of April.
On the 23rd of April, at 3 am, I was going to bed after a full workday. As I closed my eyes, a notification appeared on my phone, because I forgot to put it on night mode. One of my favorite bands, Switchfoot, was singing in Vienna.
Opening the concert was Lifehouse.
So I got up, went to my desk and bought the ticket.
In the morning I printed it and looked at it more attentively. And that’s when it hit me. The concert was taking place at “The Filene Center”, Vienna, VA 22182. And the ticket was 55$. When I bought the ticket, it kinda bugged me that the price was in dollars, but brushed it off and clicked Buy.
Yeah, apparently there is a town named Vienna, in Virginia, US. I started laughing and thought bitterly that I have just thrown 55$ out the window, because the ticket was not refundable. But then, slowly, an idea formed in my mind. What if I go? But wait, it’s US, and I missed John Mayer’s tour in Europe. That was one of my biggest regret of the year. But what if…
So I checked. He was singing in Camden, New Jersey, on the 18th of August. And Camden is only 3 ours away by car from Vienna. And then it was set in stone. So I made myself the best birthday present ever. I bought myself a ticket to the John Mayer concert happening on my birthday.
This is how I decided to go to US. I did not plan it for half an year. I did not consult with anyone. I am going there alone. I already got my US Visa. The interview took three minutes. The waiting in queues and prints taking took 40 minutes. Driving to the embassy and back took 10 hours. But this Wednesday, I had my passport in my hands with the US Visa. So I extended my vacation and bought the plane tickets.
So… there is no way back, I am going to US. I am scared and thrilled at the same time.
Honestly, after the two previous years, I thought there is no way this year can be just as great. But apparently, it looks like it will be even better.
What else can I say? Sometimes a mistake done at 3 in the morning can turn into an beautiful plan. Talk about butterfly effect…
I’m going to a rough period at work, I’m struggling a lot to get some work done and nothing seems to work. And my manager got sick so I had to deal with the hellfire of some releases being late. Today I was at the gym, and left without my equipment knapsack. So yeah, I am that tired, and that out of this world. I went there and I have no idea how I could focus, because all I was thinking of was how to tackle down the problem I had at work.
No I’m not an workaholic, but here’s the thing: my career, my problem solving skill, my ability to deliver high quality code and solutions is the sole source of satisfaction for me at the moment. Seriously. I was not able to buy a ticket to a John Mayer concert, the sabbatical is not happening, neither is learning to play guitar and I’m sort-of broken hearted as well. Believe me, work is all I have at the moment. If work does not bring me the satisfaction I need, I fall down into the darkness of low self-esteem and depression.
It is during this times when I start thinking about who I am and what I am actually doing. And I remember that all I wanted to become was the perfect wife and mom, I wanted the family I never had. I wanted somebody to love me and a couple of hyper-active kids. And what did I get. Apparently… the ability to make money, to inspire people, to motivate and lift them up. And I have no idea how I’m doing it, because I cannot do the same for me, at least not now.
But tonight, after a bad and disappointing day somebody’s words made my day. One of the people that bought my book, left me some messages on hangouts telling me that she likes one of my books, that she is very impressed with my work and that will help her prepare for the exam.
It is not the first time I receive thanks for one of my books. And sometimes they come at the moments then I need them the most. Thank you Sindiso Mpofu, you made my day!
