Jun 16 2017

For once I just wish somebody fought for me

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:13

Today is my last day as a manager. I was offered the position of course. I’m not bragging, it is not a vertical promotion, it’s a horizontal one. I did not give a clear answer, but I hinted that this is not the job for me, for more than one reason.

Anyway, I’m happy not to do management work anymore. I hate meetings, I hate excels and PPTs and people who corner you into deadlines without giving you clear specs. I left work later because I had to write a lot of emails to handover management responsibilities.

It was sort of a good day, although it was not a good week. I have insomnia again, I could barely get out of bed in the morning for two days, and the guy I’m in love with and does not reciprocate(because this is how I roll) has moved an ocean away for about six months. So, I get in my car and go home. And lo and behold the chicks downstairs took my parking space. Well, not mine because I pay for it, mine because is the only one across my house and they moved in fucking last Saturday. As I said, it is not actually mine, so I go and park my car next to the park, 5 minutes away. Not a problem, I enjoy the walk usually, but today I just walked come with tears falling from my eyes.

I just wished I had a boyfriend who would go to those bitches and tell them a few bad words. Because they are loud, and because I helped one of them two days ago when she forgot her phone in a taxi and this is what I fucking get in return.

I do my best to be a good person, but sometimes I just want to stop getting out of my home. Because I give, and I understand, and I forgive and don’t bother and I’m patient and I try and I try and I try… and for once I would like to have somebody acknowledge that I am a good person and love me for it and consider spending the rest of his or her life with me.

I just wish for once, somebody would be patient with me, somebody would try to fucking make me happy, I just wish somebody should at least try… I just wish somebody would fight for me, would defend me, just once. I know that I’m strong, and I’ve been fighting and defending myself and others until now so it’s not like I can’t do it. But I get tired, and for once I’d like somebody would fight and defend me.

Oh well, it is what it is.

Stay safe, stay happy!

[Later edit]: This is just a rant. I don’t really need a boyfriend. A father or a brother might have been more suitable for the job probably. ;)


May 26 2017

The unexpected

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:39

This year started with some plans being broken, so I kinda got used to the idea that nothing interesting is going to happen. Thus I just drowned myself in work. At least that was the plan, and it seemed to work, at least until the 23rd of April.

On the 23rd of April, at 3 am, I was going to bed after a full workday. As I closed my eyes, a notification appeared on my phone, because I forgot to put it on night mode. One of my favorite bands, Switchfoot, was singing in Vienna.

Opening the concert was Lifehouse.

So I got up, went to my desk and bought the ticket.

In the morning I printed it and looked at it more attentively. And that’s when it hit me. The concert was taking place at “The Filene Center”, Vienna, VA 22182. And the ticket was 55$. When I bought the ticket, it kinda bugged me that the price was in dollars, but brushed it off and clicked Buy.

Yeah, apparently there is a town named Vienna, in Virginia, US. I started laughing and thought bitterly that I have just thrown 55$ out the window, because the ticket was not refundable. But then, slowly, an idea formed in my mind. What if I go? But wait, it’s US, and I missed John Mayer’s tour in Europe. That was one of my biggest regret of the year. But what if…

So I checked. He was singing in Camden, New Jersey, on the 18th of August. And Camden is only 3 ours away by car from Vienna. And then it was set in stone. So I made myself the best birthday present ever. I bought myself a ticket to the John Mayer concert happening on my birthday.

This is how I decided to go to US. I did not plan it for half an year. I did not consult with anyone. I am going there alone. I already got my US Visa. The interview took three minutes. The waiting in queues and prints taking took 40 minutes. Driving to the embassy and back took 10 hours. But this Wednesday, I had my passport in my hands with the US Visa. So I extended my vacation and bought the plane tickets.

So… there is no way back, I am going to US. I am scared and thrilled at the same time.

Honestly, after the two previous years, I thought there is no way this year can be just as great. But apparently, it looks like it will be even better.

What else can I say? Sometimes a mistake done at 3 in the morning can turn into an beautiful plan. Talk about butterfly effect…

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Mar 17 2017

Made my day

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:05

I’m going to a rough period at work, I’m struggling a lot to get some work done and nothing seems to work. And my manager got sick so I had to deal with the hellfire of some releases being late. Today I was at the gym, and left without my equipment knapsack. So yeah, I am that tired, and that out of this world. I went there and I have no idea how I could focus, because all I was thinking of was how to tackle down the problem I had at work.

No I’m not an workaholic, but here’s the thing: my career, my problem solving skill, my ability to deliver high quality code and solutions is the sole source of satisfaction for me at the moment. Seriously. I was not able to buy a ticket to a John Mayer concert, the sabbatical is not happening, neither is learning to play guitar and I’m sort-of broken hearted as well. Believe me, work is all I have at the moment. If work does not bring me the satisfaction I need, I fall down into the darkness of low self-esteem and depression.

It is during this times when I start thinking about who I am and what I am actually doing. And I remember that all I wanted to become was the perfect wife and mom, I wanted the family I never had. I wanted somebody to love me and a couple of hyper-active kids. And what did I get. Apparently… the ability to make money, to inspire people, to motivate and lift them up. And I have no idea how I’m doing it, because I cannot do the same for me, at least not now.

But tonight, after a bad and disappointing day somebody’s words made my day. One of the people that bought my book, left me some messages on hangouts telling me that she likes one of my books, that she is very impressed with my work and that will help her prepare for the exam.

It is not the first time I receive thanks for one of my books. And sometimes they come at the moments then I need them the most. Thank you Sindiso Mpofu, you made my day!


Oct 31 2016

The epiphany

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:11

Friday evening, five women got in one car and left from Sibiu, Romania towards Sofia, Bulgaria. There we were supposed to get on a plane, go to Kutaisi and have two dreamy days in Ushguli and one in Kutaisi before coming home. One of them was me. I was the driver, the car was my Sandero Smile, a Dacia car, a Romanian car, made for Romanian roads. Or so I believed for 5 years.

I did not sleep much the previous night, as I struggled to finish the last chapter of my recent technical book, but the sleep I had was really good, no dreams, just deep sleep, because when I woke up at seven I was well rested and ready to go. I added a lot of caffeine and some energy drink and all was well. I was a little scared, because I have never driven before for so long with 5 people in my car. But all went well, for about 400 kilometers. That is when we left the highway to turn into a dark and unkempt road, there was asphalt but it as covered in dust and small stones. I should have known I had to be careful, I should have gone slower, but the car was stable, all was well. There was a car in front of me, so I did not turn on my night lights, so I won’t bother the driver. I should have turned them back on with the first occasion, but I did not, and this I consider it to be my first mistake and the first factor. And then there was a curve in the road. My speed was about 50-60km per hour, because I had reduced visibility, but should have been smaller because of the quality of the road. But I clearly had no experience on those kind of roads, and this was the second factor. And in that curve I tried to stay on the road, but the car slid out on the right and caught a patch of mud. I managed to get it back on the road, but continued sliding. I kept pushing the brake, trying to change direction. I could see it all happening in slow motion. The car was slowing down, but not enough so I hit the side of the bridge in the curve with the right back side of the car.Then the front right side hit the concrete parapet next to the bridge, and the car overturned to 90 degrees, on its right side. Because the curve included a bridge over an irrigation canal, and that is when the car stopped moving, sitting 90 upright on its right side, on the concrete parapet.

I was suspended in my chair, hanging and tightly kept there by my seat belt. Nobody screamed until the car stopped moving. No idea what scream was the first, but I shouted: “Are you all ok? Please tell me all of you are ok!” Because you see, if I would have been alone in my car, I would just have started crying. But there were four persons with me, with friends and family that waited for them to come back, that needed them, that loved them. I did not have that, I really do not mater that much to anyone, that is how my parents raised me. I’m not sure that is what they intended it so, but they always had little hope for my future, so a child, then an adolescent interpreted their words as the worst: that she was worthless. Those women had friends and families that love them to bits and I’ve met a few of them. One of them had a small child. One has a niece with her eyes. One has a brother that means the world to her. One has a boyfriend that loves her so much and they have more than 12 years together. I have no connections like that. That is why my first scream was about them, because if any of them would have been hurt, I would have probably died of a broken heart right there and then, only not to face the persons in their lives, as the person that hurt the one they love so much.

After all of them confirmed they are ok, I felt the smell of gasoline. I stopped the engine quick. I realized, we won’t be able to get out of the car. So I called 112 (the equivalent Romanian of 911). They were quick to respond, it was difficult to tell them where we were. But I managed. Other cars stopped. They were trying to flip the car back. I asked them to stop. I realize I could just put the contact on, so the windows would work. I did that, then everybody was out. I was the last to go out. I was feeling guilty because the accident I caused ruined everybody’s vacation. We were all out and standing when the ambulance arrived, then the police. Then the fire brigade, because in Romania they take care o auto accidents too. Among the girls in the back, two of them had no seat-belts on. But they were ok. Only one of them had a few tiny scratches.

The car was taken off the road after all the pics were taken. I kept saying I was sorry and asking for forgiveness. People kept telling me it was not my fault, that accidents happen often in that area. It did not help. I wrote what happened so many times, I kept writing there were no humans hurt, but it still felt weird. Than I got to look at the car. It was totally trashed and it was a miracle all of us got out with only small bruises and some cuts. I called the insurance guys. They came in 30 minutes and as they lifted my Sandero on the platform I felt a pain in my chest. That car was my 5 year partner. I know it was just glass, metal and plastic, but I had the same attachment to it as I had for my cat. I was looking at it being dragged alway and felt like crying and I probably cried. That was goodbye, that was probably the last time I would see it. It was not about money, I can make more money, but that car… I cried in it, I laughed in it, I learned to drive in it, I probably told a boyfriend I loved him in it. We left Iasi together and made new friends that were on my right in that car. That was the end of an era, the Sandelu(that was the name I gave the car, or Sanducu) was no more. My last inanimate connection to Iasi was gone. Only friends remain now.

I do not know how others feel after they crash their cars, but I wanted to make sure those girls would make it to Georgia. I tried renting a car, no chance. Then one of them called some some friends to take take us to Bucharest to a hotel. I told them to book a hotel where they will feel like queens. I would have done anything to help them forget the scare of that night. I looked at them calling friends and families and realized I did not really have anybody to call. Except him. He wished me “God speed” before I left. I thought… maybe he should know. So I wrote him a message. He offered to jump in his car and come right away. I knew he had a lot to work and he had trouble sleeping, I really did not want to bother him. But he insisted, so I just told him to come the next day in the morning to take us home. And he did come, and I hugged him so many times I can’t remember, because it felt so safe in his arms. And he took us home. I stayed on the chair behind him, touching his shoulders from time to time, just to … I don’t know, just to have a fixed point I guess.

What happens in the mind of a driver that causes a crash that endangers other persons’ life? A lot of guilt. I rethink everything that happened that day and what I could have done to avoid it. I was lucky, were all lucky, because we are all ok, physically. Mentally, will take a while. I am so relieved that we are all ok, but from time to time, a dark thought creeps out. The dark “what if”. What if one or more of them would have been badly or mortally injured? What would our lives have been then? What would have happened to me? Because I could not have lived with the guilt. I am so relieved that this scenario is only imaginary, I keep telling myself that there is no point in worrying about what could have been and to move on, but I feel guilty. I’m not sure this will go away too soon and if one of those women wants to moon, I will go get it. It’s the least I can do.

After such events people have epiphanies, about life and death and their purpose and meaning on this earth. I kept waiting for mine that night. I kept waiting for it on the way home. And along the road while holding the shoulders of the man I love and does not reciprocate, but only has a high appreciation and affection for me that he drove for four hours to be close to me in my darkest hour and make sure me and my friends got home safe, a thought appeared as clear as a summer morning light. I never thought an accident as bad as this would happen to me. I have always been obsessively careful and respected all the rules while driving. I really, really believe this would never happen to me. But it did. So, if something so bad could happen to me, even if I took all precautions, what if this is true for good things too? If something unimaginably bad had happened to me, what if something just as good, can happen to me too?

The paramedics, firemen and cops were amazing to us, their behavior and professionalism was exemplary. They kept remembering us to be happy to be alive and unharmed, because looking at the car, nobody would say that was possible. They kept talking to us to keep us calm and collected. If somebody else will ever trash talk Romanian authorities such as these, I will fight them and defend them with all my might.

28 October 2016, 21:54, A1, Kilometer 44, on the road to Vanatorii Mici, five lives were changed and linked together forever by a singular event.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Oct 12 2016

Musical perfection = John Mayer + Akua Naru

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 9:40

No need to thank me, just enjoy!


May 23 2016

Near Miss

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 10:41

Some time ago I changed my job. And the new job not only requires that I travel abroad a lot, but it also allows me to go on vacation abroad in the places I always wanted to visit but could not afford to. For a while I kept joking with my friends that I was flying for so long and nothing interesting happened, so I have no turbulence scary story to tell. But last time I came back from Amsterdam, the plane went through some serious turbulence. But as the plane jumped up and down I could feel my heart in my throat and my mind started racing. A lot of weird thoughts and memories were fighting for what could have been the last moments of my consciousness. This is how it went, sort of.

If I die now who will remember me? Will anyone think of me next year, what about the one after that? Will somebody have imaginary conversations with me as I have with Bogdan? Aww damn, I’m not sure I remember where his picture is. I should frame that. If I wouldn’t die now, what else could I accomplish? Sure, I have a wonderful career. I am appreciated and I am loved. I am happy. I have lost and I have gained, but if I don’t die what else is there? Maybe I’ll have a beautiful family someday, maybe I will do something to change the world. Maybe I’ll manage to travel to Mars before I die. I really wanted to be there and make it happen maybe, or at least see it happen, feel it happen. And aside of it all, before I die I really just want to fall in love one more time, truly, madly, deeply, completely. I don’t care if I won’t get to spend the rest of my life with that person. I don’t really care if he or she will not love me, or will hurt me. I just want to meet him or her and just fall in love again.

Oh wait, the turbulence stopped. I’ll go back to reading “Bucky F*cking Dent“. All that other stuff can wait at least until I finish this book. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!


May 12 2016

Expect the unexpected

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 9:47

I know that I keep promising to make this blog a technical one, but until the second technical book is out, everything technical that I do is related to the book and I am not allowed to make it public until the book is published. So until then, you’ll have to get used to reading only normal things that I think about, normal or not so normal things that happen to me.

The last normal thing that happen to me is that I went to Amsterdam to see David Duchovny  sing. And I had a VIP ticket, first VIP ticket for me, ever. I thought it meant receiving an official CD with an autograph or a place closer to the stage.  Apparently it included more, meaning the possibility to meet him. It was unexpected and I thought for two days what I could say to him. I have always dreamed about maybe meeting him by mistake someday and telling him I loved him in X-Files, Californication and Aquarius,  that I loved his singing and I sort of enjoyed his books. I imagined meeting him in a coffee shop and having a conversation about who we are and what we do. But I never dared to think that I would actually meet him and I had no idea how the interaction will be.

What can you say to your favorite singer or actor? “I love you”? “I want to marry you” ? “You are awesome”?  That is preposterous, because you do not really know the person.  You might know what wikipedia, or imdb, or allmusic says about them. You know a lot about them, but you do not know them. Plus, the stupid things I mentioned before are things that adolescents says, because they easily fall in love with an image and/or a voice. As an adult you cannot say those things without looking ridiculous. And I did not want to seem ridiculous. So, what could a thirty-something old say to her favorite actor? I had no idea.

“You look very good for your age, I really hope that’s not make-up”, that’s what I ended up saying to him. Yeap, not so smart, I know. It was sort of a compliment, but not really. And it definitely was not memorable.  He had a mild cold, and the people in charge of the event told us that he would not speak because he is saving his voice for the show. But he did speak to me, he had to confirm that he was that good looking with no make up on. And I got so mesmerized and sort of embarrassed that I just took the picture with his autograph and wanted to leave. He grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me close to him for the official picture. It was unexpected and daaamn he is strong!  He does have strong hands, but I think he kinda skips the leg day a lot, because he has a small ass and really skinny legs. (hi hi!)

david_and_meWhat you really must know is that this guy is definitely not photogenic. He looks much better in real life than in any of his movies or this picture. Except X-Files, when he was very young, in all other movies he looks trashed and sort of old. But when I was face to face with him, I could not   believe how not his age and fresh he looked. (These Hollywood people are out of this world!)

So yeah, I met David Duchovny and it meant so much to me because, I am  such a meaningless individual, I have started my life from such a low point that meeting my favorite actor was pure fantasy. But I met him, and the reality of the event is confirmed by a picture I have with him that will be printed on photographic paper and be stuck to my fridge next to the one with his autograph. And my future children and grandchildren will be told the story of this insignificant little girl with not many expectations for her future, that grew up to be a significant strong woman that even got to meet her favorite actor. (Even if the interaction with him lasted probably no more than 30 seconds, it still counts, ok ?)

I wish I had the occasion to know him better, but I guess some events in our lives are more meaningful because of how short they are.

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