Iuliana Cosmina

I haven’t been writing on the blog for a while. I did have the urge to, but I seem to be going through a tough time when I don’t feel like anything I do is useful or important enough to mention.

But here I am, trying to fight through it. Because logging your life, keeping a journal is important, that is why psychologists say. And they are absolutely right.

There was a time in my life when I thought everything I was doing was interesting, impressive and meaningful. And I was writing about every single thing with the excitement of a person born the day before. Now here I am, looking at my life, my daily activities and nothing seems worthy of being mentioned here.  It seems, and I feel that way. Rationally I know it is not. So I will try to write here a few thoughts, I will list a few things I have done these days, because maybe if I take the time, if I make the effort to write about them, maybe I will feel like my life is meaningful and still worth it and that I am meaningful.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when my bitter state has started. Maybe after I released my last book. After one of my books is published I have a period of a few months when I have way too much time on my hands. And I start thinking of stupid shit. And usually all that shit is meaningless and goes away as soon as I have stop having time for it. But now it is different, because it hasn’t stopped. My bitterness is growing and festering to the point of metastasis.

I have forsaken the normal way humans live their lives so I find myself forlorn most times. I do not live the normal lifestyle for a 30 year old. I enjoy my reclusive existence and my time  alone, I read, I play my piano, I play with my cat and watch a lot of series(because damn… there are a lot of good series these days). I do not expose myself on Facebook, Instagram and other social networks, not unless there is a serious(professional) reason for that. But I do use them, and I think this is where my bitterness comes from. Everybody seems to be involved in something meaningful and everybody seems to be living their life to the max while I am just… exercising in the gym, working, playing piano, writing some text, writing some code, reading, sleeping. Seriously, this is my routine. And it is not a bad one. I do not go out much, so I don’t spend much. I travel from time to time and talk on the phone with friends and family. I don’t do this often, because I am quite anxious, but I force myself into it. I try to keep my existence at least a little … normal.

But lately, I just feel stuck. I do not like my job, I do not like the house I live in, I do not like the city I live in anymore, I do not like the country I live in(and for good reason, just search on Google Romania corruption 2018), I do not like my life and worst of all… I do not like me. The reason I do not like myself, is obviously all this bitterness I cannot seem to get rid of. And I am so terrified that people will become aware of it and try to distance themselves from me. Or worst, they might try to help. Why do I say this is worst? Because when people try to help me, it makes me feel weak and inept at living. And boy, I do not want to feel that way! Plus, rationally I know there is nothing wrong. I just gotta get my shit together. I am the one who said a few posts ago, that one of the commandments of my career is If you do not like it, change it. I just wish I could apply that to my life! Also, lately I cannot apply that at work either, which frustrates me like crazy. I got promoted to manager, and I never asked for it or wanted it. Of course I could have opposed it a little bit harder, sure. But I work with people that I respect and admire and most times trust their judgement.

But I might have got it wrong this time. Because I am not the managerial kind of person. I do not feel comfortable talking to people about their work and trying to convince or push them to do it right or faster. I do not like to contact them and talk to them just so they feel like I’m paying attention to them. It feels weird. Especially since I know how it feels. I had my manager calling me a little bit way too often to be comfortable and I had the feeling he was checking up on me because he did not trust me on doing my work. And because I know how I felt when he did that, I cannot do it to somebody else.

So I made the decision to change something. I started applying for jobs abroad. A piece of my heart was left in Scotland two years ago, and I started looking for jobs there. I started in November. I’ve passed tests, I’ve passed interviews, or so they say. But rarely a job panned out. And when it did, they did not want to give me the salary I wanted and they did not provide support for relocation either. So I had to  say no. But the ones that took a toll on me were the jobs that I really wanted and lost them. Until now there were four of them. I have the utmost respect for the companies and HR departments that came back to me and told me why I was refused. The ones that hurt the most were the ones that just stopped communication altogether. Because, if it was something in my attitude, or in my coding that made me fail them, I would like to know. Because my mind goes in very dark places trying to find an answer. I started doubting my expertise in this domain. Maybe I am not a good coder. Maybe I am just a fraud, I’ve been able to navigate my way through corporate hierarchy because I have other qualities, but being a good programmer might not be one of them. Maybe I am overestimating myself. Maybe there is something wrong with me that is so disturbing and that some people can see. Maybe I am too old. And so on. I even got to the point where I suspect I was promoted to manager because I’m not good at coding, which makes me even more reluctant about my promotion.

But I do not like it and I will change it. Maybe I am not as smart as I wish I were, maybe I am not as good a coder as I wish I were, maybe I am just … unfit for living. But I am alive, I am still here and I am still fighting. So, I’ll apply to more jobs,  I’ll do more tests, I’ll participate to some more interviews. Because I know that I just need to keep doing this until I get the stars aligned perfectly, until that sheer moment of luck comes when a representative of one of this companies will conclude the interview with: “When can you start?”

Clarification: I do actually consider myself a software engineer. And I am a pretty good one. I just wish I were a little more better at coding than I currently am. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!

When you do something do you ever think of the unknown consequences of your actions? Let say you walk down the street and you kick a stone changing its place. What could be the consequence of that action in 24 hours? What about 1 day? Or one month? Or one year or 100 years? Did you ever think what are the chances statistically, that a child might crouch down to lift up that stone, loose his balance and fall into the street and cause an accident? Seems an improbable scenario, right? And maybe too pessimistic and too creatively morbid, right?

Indeed, that is maybe too creative. I’ll ask you another question then: do you ever think of the long term consequences your actions and decisions have on your children?

Today I was visiting my parents and I stayed there for three painful hours. During these three hours there were some fights and some shouts, but some information made it’s way to my ears as well. Both my grandmothers were taken of school in the fourth grade so they can help around the house with their younger brothers, six and seven of them. Apparently they had a natural talent for learning, because they were able to get first prize(in Romania I think they are still rewarding the best pupils this way) even with little time to learn or do homework. Good news: intelligence runs in the family and seems to be “affecting” mostly females. :D Both my grandmothers never forgave their parents for stopping them from going to school. The one that died a month ago, was 87 years old and on her death bed she mentioned this again. She died pissed off on her parents, and blamed them for the mess of a life she had. Because even after 77 years she thought not being in school was one of the worst thing in her life and the first bad moment that allowed the rest of them to unfold.

I think most people say that, in life it is better to regret the things you did than those you didn’t. My grandmother regretted on her death bed that she did not go to school, and her parents were to blame for that. There were dead and buried a long time ago, but she could not forgive them. Maybe a psychologist could have helped, but Romanians believe psychologists are con-men.

What I’ve heard today made me sad. Not only because I found out yet another sad event in my grandmother’s life, but because I’m starting to think the consequences of my tormented childhood might never be healed. And my childhood was tormented because my mother never received a proper education in parenting, so she did what she thought best. She still thinks the regular beatings she blessed me and my sister with were justified and necessary. And those are just the physical abuse. I don’t really want to think about the emotional abuse right now.

So, how could I think of having a family and bringing a child into this world just to raise it broken? How can I break this bloody loop of bad decisions and abuse? How can I raise and educate a child when I am still a broken individual? How far away should I move to break this loop? How do I do it without feeling guilty for not being empathetic with my own parents?

And least, but not last, I asked them to give me one reason why I should have a child? An answer that I might give to my child one day if he or she asks me why I decided to bring them into this world. I asked them why did they have me and my sister. I would have loved a typical communist answer like “me and your father really loved each other and had a lot of good sex and because there was no contraception of the time you happened.” But they were not able to say that, because it was not true.

Well, no idea what is waiting for me in the future, but if I ever have a child, I really hope it is a girl. And I hope from my whole being that I will be able to guide her and help her develop her bright mind while keeping it whole. Because I’ll be damned if I continue this’s  bloodline of bright broken minds.

So if you read this and you have a child, reconsider your behaviour towards him or her. If you do not have a child yet, check if you and your partner have whole minds and as little frustrations as possible before choosing to have a child. Because there is a chance your child will never forgive you and die hating you, if you wrong him or her.

And this broken world is the consequence of broken people, wether we are able to accept it or not. So, let’s break this loop.

Bună dragilor,

Cum v-am obișnuit deja, de trei ani încoace, în preajma sărbătorilor de iarnă vin înspre Iași ca să îmi văd familia și cei mai dragi prieteni. Mâine mă pornesc încolo (nu vă faceți grji, este cine să aibă grijă de casă și de pisică) și până pe 1 Ianuarie 2018 cînd mă pornesc înapoi spre Sibiu o să fiu  o să cam umblu între Iași, Piatra Neamț, Roman, Pașcani și Bacău, în funcție de cum vă aranjez în programul de vizite.

Așa că, dacă  vreți să ne vedem și când dați un semn, să văd cum mă învârt. Dacă doriți ceva din zona Ardealului, dacă doriți cărțile mele de Spring sau orice altceva, dați un semn până mâine.

Acestea fiind zise, vă urez sărbători liniștite și fericite.