Oct 22 2020

Cheaters, cheaters everywhere

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:56

I’ve been single since 2014. The reason I became so, is because my then boyfriend dumped me for a younger woman with bigger boobs, and unfortunately for him with a bigger brains too. Almost two years later he did the same to her and when I ended in the peculiar situation of consoling her, I found out I have been cheated on, probably most of the relationship. Turns out, my ex had a long duration affair with a work colleague.

So yeah, I missed a very nasty bullet and I don’t regret a thing.

The boyfriend before him, almost did the same thing, but because he was an idiot that could not keep his mouth shut about a younger woman flirting with him, I ended up dumping him. And he finally could consume the affair with his colleague, without the guilt of hurting me over his head. We are still friends, but only because our relationship was based on friendship and we were able somehow to keep that.

While working in various companies, I’ve seen people fall in love at work. The phenomena always made sense to me. People fall in love easily with familiar faces. Also, in an environment that conditions us to show the best version of ourselves, because our chances of being promoted depend on it, it is very easy to fall in love with somebody. But I was always aware of the difference between the work persona and the one at home. Why? Because I was very aware that the real me was quite depressed, with a very low self-esteem and a lot of times, one push away from killing myself.  But rarely these aspects have seeped into my work persona. That is why I was promoted and praised for being an over-achiever a lot of times.  So, if it was like this for me, I concluded it must be the same for everybody, because I am human, and I am not special. So, I formed this ethical work-code that I have always applied in my work life: “Don’t fuck where you eat!”.  Yes, it’s the fuck version of “Don’t shit where you eat!”. Continue reading “Cheaters, cheaters everywhere”

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Oct 14 2020

Memory anchor for a kind soul

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:56

Before modern inventions such as the photo camera and sound recorder, when a person died, they only lived in the memories of the people they’ve met and left a mark in their lives in one way or another. They truly died, when the last person that remembered them died too. Now we have cameras, we can record smiles and voices, if we use these resources in a smart way, we could keep somebody alive forever. But people need to forget and need to move on.

I don’t know where I read it, but apparently Facebook is a cemetery, there are a lot of accounts of people that are not alive anymore and that did not bother to share the password with anyone. So, they will be alive as long as their internet footprint is. It is morbid but comforting in a way. People that have had their lives touched by people they died, can still take a look at the person that impressed them so much, but that life moved them far away.

I am writing all this because I found out somebody I considered a friend died recently. I’ve met him only a few times, but he was always so kind and so lovely to be around. He had a gentle soul, a poet’s heart and although we lived in cities quite far away from each other, each interaction with him was pleasant. I probably liked him a lot because we shared the passion for music.

The last time we interacted, was in May, we talked on WhatsApp. He wanted me to write a LinkedIn recommendation for him. And I did. And it looked like this.

I have worked with Corian from 2014 to 2018 at BearingPoint. He was member of a team that my team interacted with very often. He was essential in integrating the two products and facilitated communication between teams. He is driven, open-minded, eager to learn and share knowledge. This was reflected in the quality of his work, he went the extra mile to make sure delivery deadlines were respected and the features delivered lived up to the expectations.
He is one of the most reliable and adaptable developers I have worked with. It was a pleasure working with Corian, I would have loved to have him in my team and I have no doubt he will have a wonderful career in software development.

And his reply was: “I love you too”. At first, I was dumbfounded. Nobody said they love me in a long time. And nobody uses those words so easily, I definitely don’t. And why would he write that? I haven’t talked to him in years. And then I realized in my recommendation I used “I would have loved to have him in my team” instead of “I would have liked to have him in my team”. So, he was a little bit sarcastic about that. We had a few funny exchanges and he sent me a link to one of his poems; out of the blue, with no context. I had no idea what to answer. So, I just said “ok ….. thx :)”. Looking at the WhatsApp exchange now, the poem is gone. Must have been an URL and the source was removed. But my awkward reply is still there. Maybe I should have read it with more attention, maybe said something about it. Maybe I should have talked to him more often.

A week later he invited me to his wedding, and I said no… because of the pandemic. Now I’m so sorry I did not make an effort to be there for him.

Almost any trace of him was erased from the internet. Apparently, his family wanted it that way. And although, we did not talk much, and we were not that close I will always remember him fondly. I wish I had more memories of him.

It seems so unfair a person so kind and so young is no more! Life has taken me far away, and probably we would have never met each other again. But, it was nice for the probability to ever meet again to be bigger than damn zero. Uff Cori, why do you have to be just another one of those persons that I will remember just by name in ten years or, so? I wish there was an afterlife for all musicians, because if there were, I would probably meet you there. By then my piano playing will be better and it will be my pleasure to jam with you.

It is being said that a man is not really dead as long as his name is still spoken. We are only truly gone, when we’ve disappeared from the memories of those who love us.

Rest in peace, Corian Paun! The world is poorer without you in it. Your kind soul will be missed, and you will be remembered.

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Oct 12 2020

Why Do Online Romance Scams Work?

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:32

When opening Firefox tabs, I always see a list of recommended articles from various sites. I pick about one per day to read, the rest I either ignore or just skim through quicky. The one I chose for today is this one.

It is a about a scam artist with a very peculiar niche: older, single and rich women. As I read the article, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering: Why would some people give away money so easily, and especially to people they do not know really well? Also, if you read the articles, there are so many red-flags about him that I cannot believe somebody would be so enamored to give this guy thousands of dollars to “invest”.

He was a gregarious and engaging storyteller, practically brimming with extraordinary, rollicking stories of his business career, of making millions off a deal and of champagne-soaked dinners with the billionaire Richard Branson.

I am 37, if I go to a first date with somebody my age or older and they talk too much I am suspicious. I mean, come on, you are single at a difficult age – if you do not look like Chris Hemsworth, all that confidence must be fake. If it is not, you are very detached from reality, and that is a huge red-flag. And if you try to woo me with your billion-dollar business stories, I will take it with a grain of salt and even be very weary of you. I know money is power, and people with money are powerful, it’s a little bit scary for me to interact with you, because if our interactions go sideways and you turn out to be a vengeful bastard, those money you brag about might come in handy for making my life miserable. I also grew up with a father always bragging about money he did not have, so I’m pretty reluctant to believe people bragging about money.

The lady that is first mention in the article, gave him 160.000$ two months after they met online. So, they barely ever saw each other, and barely could call this… dating. Two questions here: who asks somebody for 160.000$ after dating only for two months? And in what world do you live in, that somebody asking you for so much money is normal? And ok, three questions, who gives somebody they barely know 160.000$?
Maybe I’ve never been so rich that 160.000$ were pocket money. But when I will be, I promise you, I won’t give it away to a person I barely know. Why? Because if I ever get to have that kind of money, it will be through my own work and believe me, when the money you have has been accumulated through hard work and blood and sweat you wouldn’t give them away that easily. It’s basic human nature and survival instinct.

I just read that article, and I cannot think of a real reason why grown up, smart and rich women would give away money to a guy they barely know. I mean, I’ve felt lonely before, but if I have to pay for somebody’s company and love, I’d rather pay for a male escort. Or more than one.

I have been hurt a lot during my lifetime, so you can blame my skepticism and my defensiveness on that. But I cannot imagine that people with a decent childhood have no awareness of the world they live in at all. They must know that there are people that do not abide by society rules, and that hurt and take advantage of other people, especially people with what we call “a good soul”. But… how naive can you be?

If you take your time and read that article, you will fond the following statistic:

In the U.S. in 2019, some 25,000 people reported being the victim of online romance scams, with losses estimated at more than $200 million (U.S.). In Canada in that same year, 760 Canadians lost $22.5 million to romance scammers, according to the Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre and the RCMP. In both countries, according to the FBI, romance scams now constitute the highest-loss form of consumer fraud.

So I must ask, what the actual fuck? I mean, all I can think is that the scammed people have serious issues that a psychologist should treat. I mean, I know we should give people the benefit of the doubt, we should still trust people, even after traumatic events, but maybe a little skepticism and self-preservation is not such a bad thing. And yeah, I know we want to protect our children, and keep them innocent and hopeful, but some skepticism and self-preservation might be good for them in the long run. So that they won’t be taken advantage of by scammers, when they are in a vulnerable time of their lives.

But, what do I know? Fortunately, I’m not rich enough to be a target for these kinds of scams and I’m not suffering from loneliness enough to pay to alleviate it.

Stay safe, stay happy, and develop your skepticism muscle!


Oct 05 2020

I did it

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:56

I did it my friends, I managed to get my Twitter account suspended restricted. And because I am not ashamed of it and I consider I did not do or say anything wrong, I am sharing you the message I got from them and the message that did it.

This is why I am reluctant about AIs. That message was not a hate message. It was not even mentioning them directly as being stupid and deserving to die. I did not wish president Trump’s  death, because I am a pretty decent human being. My message was just a conclusion after seeing all other twitter messages directed at president Trump. There is a Central American saying that goes along the line of “If one person tells you you‘re drunk, and you feel fine, ignore him. If ten people tell you you‘re drunk, go and have a lie down”.

My message is quite analogous to that. But an AI does not know the difference. And an AI deciding my message was is the best scenario, actually.

The more terrifying scenario is that Twitter is being censored and the rules are made by those with a lot of money and no moral compass.

Welcome to 1984.

Stay safe, stay happy!

P.S. And in case it was not obvious: I do not want Trump to die, this is a too easy for him. I want him to stay alive and be able to see the US turning its back on him and prosecuting him for all the shit he has done. I want him to be stay alive to see his family shunned and giving up the name to clean hemselves of the stain he has put on his legacy. This fate that I wish for him is so much worse and this one would deserve a Twitter ban/account limitation.

Also, I appealed. Let’s see if I get a human to read that tweet. But I won’t delete it. I did not offend anyone, I did not instigate to violence. There is no reason whatsoever for me to delete my tweet. If I have to give up using twitter or creating a new account, so be it. But I won’t bow down to unfair censorship.

[Later edit]: My account got unlocked. I have a new found respect for people doing the job of reviewing shit posted on the internet and doing jobs AI are just not suited for.


Sep 26 2020

The nineteenth year

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:34

Every September I start thinking of you, randomly, here and there. You pop up in my mind how you used to be, how I remember you. But every year that passes my memories of you are more and more distorted probably, and some of them are totally missing. And I don’t know if I’m crying because you are not here, or because my memories of you are slowly disappearing.

People say young love is not really love, since it is based on growth hormones going rampant in a teenage body. But quite a few years have passed since I was twelve and I know the way I love changed a lot. I am colder now, more rational and I run away at the first sign that my feelings impair my rational thinking. The tragedy of my upbringing manifests in my romantic choices never being the right ones; I am attracted to broken people as a moth to a flame.

But you, you were my first true love.
I loved you without any consideration for who you were and where you came from.
I was interested in where you grew up and school you went to because I was looking for things we could have in common even if you were from miles away.
I loved you so much I never thought of the man you would be, never lost time to think about your potential to keep a steady job or how you would be as a father.
My love for you was so innocent and pure and not tainted by society rules, opinions on what love should be. I had nothing to compare it to and I was not interested in doing so.
I loved you with a love so true, that nothing else mattered in this world, but your happiness.

After you were gone, I’ve seen you in a few people, but they all ended up disappointing me by … not being you. It was unfair and fucked up of me to expect them to be in the first place. But I didn’t do it intentionally, I would just catch a glimpse of their eyes, or a crooked smile and I would see you. And I was reminded that you are no longer here, but couldn’t help thinking that parts of you are still here.

If there is a heaven and a hell, I think this life that we are living must be hell, because all the persons that are genuinely good and kind and could make this world better, seem to disappear before they have the chance to make a lasting impact. And that leaves us, the bad ones, to struggle to make this world better and failing at our mission. It’s like the Devil plays this sick game with some of us, making us meet these wonderful persons to give us hope and then crushing it by taking them away.

Heh… oh well, as long as I’m still here I’d better make it interesting. I still miss you though.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Sep 23 2020

The House effect

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:52

I started re-watching House M.D. and I remembered why I love that series. First it shows adults behaving like children, but getting the job done. It shows people being themselves unbounded by political correctness or any other society norms we invented to protect snowflakes that were over-protected by their parents and then sent out into the world to be adults without being taught how.

And I was reminded how it feels to tell somebody that they are an idiot and not be afraid that the internet will lynch my Twitter profile. Because that is the problem when your internet persona is more of a brand than an individual user. You tend to try to polish that persona to be tolerable to a lot of people, so your books will still sell, and so recruiters will still call you when you are looking for a job. But fuck this, some people are idiots and I’m tired of keeping most of my revulsion towards some people in. Some people do not have to be protected from the world, because they have to bloody live in it.

I must have been influenced by this series, because I called somebody an idiot on Twitter. I haven’t done this in a long time and it felt so liberating.
Why did I do it? Well…

And since not all my readers are Romanians. Here’s the context. You probably heard of Simona Halep, right?
Apparently, some of my countrymen are unable to understand the amount of work necessary to be a world champion in tennis and seem to think she somehow does not deserve the money she made playing tennis.
The “blinking” user seems to think she doesn’t work more than the rest of us, or maybe she woks more just around the time of tournaments. So yeah, I replied to that tweet and told the person that they are an idiot. And proposed a marathon analogy. Everybody knows, you cannot win a marathon by only training one month before the tournament. He did not get it and thought I got … mad. Apparently, you cannot tell somebody they are idiots these days without being mad. This is what the world has come to. You have to feel something, to make such a “serious” affirmation. No, sometimes people are just being idiots and deserve to be told they are idiots.

I called him an idiot, because he was an idiot. And it felt soo… good. The internet did not crush me, I was not banned from twitter and I do not feel guilty about it. And my internet persona was not lynched.

Why did I feel the need to call that person an idiot? Because I trained six years when I was a child for the Olympics, well at least my trainer said I was Olympics material. (And my parents did not give a rat’s ass and moved across the country anyway. So yeah, six years of training went down the drain.) I know the amount of work it implies. I know the risks on your physical and mental health. So, nobody in this world should comment on the amount of money she deserves or not. Whatever she made, she worked for it.

Also, questioning the money a public person that actually proved their worth in quite a few tournaments is idiotic. Questioning politicians and their acolytes, questioning mobsters, questioning magnates such as Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and others, is expected, especially since they made their money by being tax-exempt. But … leave Halep and other athletes alone, because whatever money they made, I am sure they paid their taxes. Unlike … those other guys I previously mentioned.

I know I am fighting on the internet, how pitiful, how lame! Well, sometimes it must be done, because sometimes being called an idiot it what helps you grow. If there is any potential for that. I can only hope there was.

Stay safe, stay healthy!


Sep 15 2020

The irony of life

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:03

A while ago I went for a bike ride in my favorite direction, the Forth Bridge. I haven’t done it in a while and my muscles are weak and my knees feel weak too. I feared of falling a few times and I felt my heart jump as I haven’t in quite a while.

I’ve been a little bit down lately. I wouldn’t say I am depressed, just a little bit sad and disenchanted with life overall. It is 2020 after all, so I do have reasons to feel this way.

The bike path to Forth Bridge goes through this big piece of land called the Dalmeny Estate. I do not know who owns it, but I’ve seen some people play golf and I’ve seen a lot of Scottish hairy cows which look well taken care of. So, somebody with a lot of money owns this estate because they afford to pay the taxes for it, maintain the land, tend to a big herd of hairy cows and maintain a decent size castle.

So, there I was, taking a break on the stony pier in front of the castle and I was looking at it. And it hit me. No matter how hard I work, I will never afford that. And even if I could by some miracle afford it, could I afford to maintain it? How much work would that be? Do I need to hire people? How many? Does the council have anything to say in how I maintain the castle? Because if it is considered a historic building, who know what conditions I might need to fulfill to maintain it. So, I might be forced to give up my dream sex dungeon.  Yeah, it would be nice to live in a castle by the sea. But taxes, expenses and administrative responsibility would make it impossible for me to enjoy it.

Neah, I don’t need a castle. Maybe because I was sad, I just imagined I might be happier if I owned a castle. But if I’ve learned anything in my short life is that we can be poor and we can be rich, but we’ll always find reasons to be sad. Sure, any person longing to be richer will tell you they would prefer to cry in a castle, rather than a one room rented apartment. But being unsatisfied and sad, fells the same regardless of your social status. Of course, the reasons of being sad are different, but that feeling is exactly the same.

That is the irony of life, you can be rich or poor, but sadness will always find a way to seep into your mind and take hold of it and make you miserable. So instead of being sad because of that you do not have, just try to appreciate what you do have and currently are taking for granted.

Stay safe, stay happy!