Iuliana Cosmina

People are so good at hurting other people, and one of the most efficient ways to make somebody doubt themselves and basically stunt them in whatever they are trying to do, is to make them feel like they don’t belong.

Because of multiple circumstances, most of my childhood, adolescence and a big piece of my adulthood might as well have the following song as an anthem:

When I was fighting depression and suicidal thoughts in high school, if somebody would have asked me to explain how I felt this is what I would have said.

I feel like I do not fit. I do not feel comfortable when I am at home. I do not feel comfortable when I am at school. I do not feel comfortable with my friends. I do not feel comfortable when I am alone. I feel detached from everything and everyone. I feel like everybody knows how to live their lives but me. I just feel like a piece of puzzle that has been forced into a place it doesn’t belong.

Every time my parents moved, every time I moved into a new place, there was at least one person that felt the need to remind me that I was either weird, that I did not live there, that I do not belong and that I should get back to where I came from. When I was young, I felt hurt every time I had to deal with this shit, because I had no idea where I belonged. I was born in Romania, but I’ve never felt like I belonged there.

But here I am, an adult, living in Scotland. And I finally feel like I belong. I came to this country because I did not like my own. I’m not blind, and I’m not stupid. I know that the overall image of Romanians here is more than a little tarnished because of Romanian Gypsies. I can’t be upset with the UK for not liking Romanians. It’s human to generalize. But should I assume every UK person is a disrespectful, cold-hearted stingy alcoholic snob? Because I don’t. Thus, I would be very grateful not to be treated as a typical Romanian would be treated here. Because I am not a typical Romanian. I left my country because I did not fit there. I had the courage and the resources to leave and go out looking for the place where I would fit.

People are not trees; they are not rooted in a single place on the ground with no choice. People can move and find the place where they feel like they belong.  And when they do, they bloom, they become the best version of themselves and everything and everyone around them benefits. Nobody can tell you where you belong, because it’s someting you feel.

A month ago, a neighbor and I had fight with over a public parking spot – a fight I did not start, a fight that could have been avoided – repeated what I have heard in one way or another all my life so far, that I do not belong here. Well, tough luck sir. I have the pre-settled status, so Scotland officials say I am allowed to be here until 2025. Because of the fight we had, I decided nobody ever again will get to tell me where I belong. So, I am currently in the process of buying an apartment with its own parking space in an underground garage.

It was a long time coming, and I have avoided the moment of buying a house for a long time, because I am a very peculiar person. And no matter how beautiful a house or an apartment is, I want to feel comfortable with the area, I am pretentions about the infrastructure and there was never an ideal combination that I would feel comfortable to lock myself into a 25-year contract with a bank for.

But the moment is here, I have found a place and a location that checks all my boxes, and I am doing this. I received the news of my offer was accepted on the 23^rd of December, so I guess I’ve just made myself the most amazing Christmas gift. I have finally found the place where I belong and I am ready to put down roots, in Kirkcaldy, Scotland.

Talk about ending 2020 with a bang, right?

Stay safe, stay happy! And Merry Christmas!

… it’s the one that gives.

This long title is a typical Romanian expression regarding trade. In case it is not clear, when somebody trying to sell something at a higher price than the item is worth, the person that decides to pay that price is considered stupid. Or they try to buy something at a lower price than the item is worth it.

I always hated this expression especially since for most of my life I’ve been quite poor.  In spite of that, I’ve always been quite aware of the value of things and I’ve been raised to be honest and fair.  When I wanted to sell something, the persons I dealt with always assumed I was asking more than the item was worth and tried to drag the price down. This made me hate the idea of selling things, and for most of my life when I had to move, I’ve either donated my things or sold them to my friends for very low prices, just to avoid the whole negotiating with strangers part. Because it’s very frustrating to me and it always makes me feel like I’m being conned.

I’ve remembered this Romanian expression because of the last job offer that I received on LinkedIN. This entry has been a long time coming, but I guess it is time.

When I decided to move to Scotland, I knew UK was not praised for its fairness towards women in the workforce. There is this rumor on the internet, that for the same position a woman is payed up to 25% less than a man. I took that into consideration when I moved. I thought maybe that I will be able to work for a long time for a company and make my expertise and dedication noticed and they will pay my worth. And if they don’t, as long as I can pay my rent, keep my cat well taken care of and save some, I’ll still be content enough.

One year after I left Romania, I had to change jobs. And I’ve participated to interviews for three months or more hoping to get a salary bigger than the one I had. The most I got offered was 60.000 a year. A friend of mine told me a while ago that I do not know how to sell myself and to negotiate. But if the maximum I get offered is 60.000, and I know that is less than I am worth, what is there to negotiate? How am I supposed to accept a job offer without feeling like I am conned and how am I supposed to give 100% for a company that is taking advantage of me?

Also, if somebody with 14 years of experience in the field and that wrote 6 books, is barely work 60.000 a year (before taxes), how much are juniors payed here? How do they actually live of these salaries, especially if they do not live with thier parents?

Even after 2 years in the UK, I get offered jobs that pay as little as 45.000. And I know friends, MEN friends that get offers that pay a lot more. Assuming gender is not a criterion and I am just being paranoid, what else could there be? Is it because I am Romanian? Who knows? I would prefer a little bit of honesty and bluntness from recruiters. I would appreciate 1000 times more a recruiter with the balls to tell me: “Look, you won’t get more than 60.000 a year because you are a woman and a god damned immigrant from a country that UK pretty much loathes. So, take it or leave it.” Instead of the typical: “I have come across your profile and was interested in reaching out about an opportunity with us.” It’s not an opportunity, if you are not improving my current situation.

99% of messages from recruiters assume I don’t like my place of work or I’m not payed enough, and they present themselves heroes extending a salvation hand to me. (I wonder how would those messages look like if they were written on the assumption that I am happily employed?)

Guess what? I don’t need saving. I actually like my current job and the people I work with. And unless the offered salary is so big, I would be stupid to refuse, there is no chance I will ever consider another job offer.

When dealing with recruiters, the job offer is not an opportunity they give to you. They are asking to buy moments of your life at a certain price. If they offer less than you deserve and you accept, you are the stupid one that gives.

Stay safe, stay happy!

My romantic history has not been great. Growing up in a toxic family has given me a malformed notion about what a normal relationship looks like, and this has affected every romantic relationship I had in a bad way. After my last relationship ended, it took me a long time to heal, and learn not think of the people that hurt me with hate and angst. I mean, they hurt me because they were just as broken as I was, or maybe more. And growing up in a society that keeps matters of the heart under covers, we had no idea how to identify problems nor how to fix them. Putting all that aside, here I am, a single woman that is very close to 40, with a lot of issues and probably impossible standards. But, hey, I have no absurdly romantic expectations, so I think I’ll be fine from now on.

I was talking with a friend of mine today, and he mentioned his girlfriend was making him watch Outlander. And I jokingly said that there is one reason why women watch that series and his name is Sam Heughan. I can tell you for sure that is why I was watching it. Well, that and because now that I live in Scotland, I was trying to identify castles and places I recognized in it. I did not make it past the season where they tried to convince me his character and Caitriona’s are almost 60 years old, and they still have amazing sex and are parents of a 27-year-old. But I must confess that man was gifted by nature with a very good-looking piece of meatsuit for his brains and I did have a few kinky dreams about him.
Continue reading “A spinster’s crushes”

A long time ago I bought my first cellphone app. It was called Runtastic PRO and I used it to time my runs and check on my progress. I don’t even remember when I decided to buy it or why, but I opted for the PRO version to get rid of ads and get some detailed statistics about my runs. I really do not remember when I bought it, but I got it right around the time I got my first smart-phone between 2010 and 2014.  It was about that time  that I decided Runtastic PRO was an app that was worth the money.

A few months ago, I noticed my Runtastic PRO glitching. Then it started recommending me to install the Adidas running app. Which I was not interested in. So, I postponed the moment, knowing what will come next.

If you’ve read Jeffrey Paul’s article Your Computer Isn’t Yours, well as turns out, your phone isn’t yours either. Compared to Apple, where you are left with some choice of upgrading your software, on my Android phone, the app got deactivated in secret and my credentials were invalidated. I tried my credentials, but they do not work. The forgot password option doesn’t work either and their recommendation is to contact their support team. Which I do not intend to do, because I know what the recommendation is: to install the new Adidas running app.

I like Runtastic PRO. It has been my running pal for a long time. I paid for that app and it was doing the job it was supposed to do, perfectly. That is the app I paid for, that is the app I want to use. If I can’t have that I will run just listening to my music. I was never interested in how fast I was anyway. It was just a nice feature Runtastic PRO provided, but I won’t die without it.
Continue reading “The end of an era”