Apr 05 2017

Sonder

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:39

Until today I had no idea this word existed and what it meant.

sonder
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

It’s like ponder, but a little deeper. Until recently this word had a different meaning, but because people are creative and languages evolve, this word was reborn with a new and interesting meeting. I guess the English language tries to follow German that has words like Schadenfreude, Erklärungsnot, Futterneid, and one of my favorites: Weltschmerz.

I’m not gonna tell you what they mean, I won’t make it easy for you. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!

 

Source of the new definition for sonder: Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows


Mar 27 2017

Today’s good manners code

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:55

In the image on the left there is a picture of the book I’m reading now. It is in Romanian and it is called Today’s good manners code.
It’s not that I lack manners, nor I want to learn how to act as a princess, but I’m just curious how much manners I already have.

A while ago, I had the intention to write a post about titles and what they really mean. I did some fast-scanning of my blog and realized that I did not do it. I wanted to say something like this, if you were given a certain title in a certain context, or small society, or universe you are part of, if you do not act the part perfectly, the title means nothing. And I wanted to give myself as an example. I only mention my company given title if somebody asks me, otherwise I am just Iuliana from the XBRL team. Why ? Because the work I currently do, does not match the title. They call me a software architect, but I haven’t designed a full software solution since I got promoted. So I don’t feel comfortable when being called a software architect, thus I don’t mention the title in social situations unless asked. Actually, I go so far and not mention my title even in work situations. I let other people that know me mention it.

And apparently, according to this book, this is the right way to go. Of course, I was not mentioning the title for other reasons, but in my world, still counts. And when writing these lines, I can only think of president Trump. He’s got the title, but he does not have the behaviour, nor the manners, nor the expertise. Must really suck being him. If he is not retarded and totally oblivious to the world around him, he probably knows this too. And he probably feels like shit.

Another thing this books says is that you should never refer to your superior as boss.  Apparently it is impolite to do so, and it is most of the times used sarcastically, or it is used by ass-kissers. How should you refer to your boss then? Just call him sir or mister, and you can also add his family name, probably if he is a good guy, he will tell you to call him by is last name quite soon into the first interaction.

Also, this book is the one that basically convinced me to never write about politics ever again.  Also religion should never be a topic as well. These two topics are known to cause fervent disagreements which can actually dissolve friendships. Giving up politics was easy, but I cannot give up criticizing religions tough, especially since my almost 18 years of being in the church quire, basically growing up in the church and the fact that I’ve actually read a few versions of the bible gives me quite a lot of expertise.

I’ll probably come back with some more details related to what I read in this book, other sources of inspiration I do not really have at the moment.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Mar 19 2017

Freaky brains

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 20:38

I was just talking to a good friend of mine and he just told me he was doing some work around the house and he started day-dreaming about some old time in his life when we were living together and I was wearing some sort of dress. And I just had a realization, if it’s good or bad I don’t know but here it goes.

When I think of the past, I only think of not so pleasant things. It’s actually really easy to do, because there were not many pleasant things anyway. But I digress. Really, when I think of the past, I tend to get lost only in bad memories. I do that because I want to educate myself to appreciate the present. Because it’s not all good days and sunshine, but it is not that bad either. My life is way better now than it was for the first 30 years of my life. So when I tend to slip into dark thoughts about the present, I think of bad things in my past, to have something way worst to compare it to. I do not know if this is normal or not, but this is what I do.

When I day-dream, I day-dream about the future. I dream about my future career and my plans, I dream about cities I will see and people I will meet. I day-dream about unreal scenarios involving people that I know in different contexts, I day-dream cartoons and movies that were not made yet. But I rarely day-dream about good times in my past. And if I do it is really short. And the strangest thing is when people start telling me about great things I did for them in the past, and I cannot remember them. And it makes me sad a little, because I really… really want to remember things that were meaningful to others, because they should be meaningful to me as well, right?

No idea why I am this way. Maybe it is a survival mechanism. Maybe I’m stuck mentally at my child-adolescent level, when all I wanted was for time to fly faster and to wake up when I’m an independent adult with the strength to work and fight for what I need and want. All I did as a child/adolescent was to read, learn and dream of better times.

Maybe I’m defective. But maybe it is in a good way.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Mar 17 2017

Made my day

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:05

I’m going to a rough period at work, I’m struggling a lot to get some work done and nothing seems to work. And my manager got sick so I had to deal with the hellfire of some releases being late. Today I was at the gym, and left without my equipment knapsack. So yeah, I am that tired, and that out of this world. I went there and I have no idea how I could focus, because all I was thinking of was how to tackle down the problem I had at work.

No I’m not an workaholic, but here’s the thing: my career, my problem solving skill, my ability to deliver high quality code and solutions is the sole source of satisfaction for me at the moment. Seriously. I was not able to buy a ticket to a John Mayer concert, the sabbatical is not happening, neither is learning to play guitar and I’m sort-of broken hearted as well. Believe me, work is all I have at the moment. If work does not bring me the satisfaction I need, I fall down into the darkness of low self-esteem and depression.

It is during this times when I start thinking about who I am and what I am actually doing. And I remember that all I wanted to become was the perfect wife and mom, I wanted the family I never had. I wanted somebody to love me and a couple of hyper-active kids. And what did I get. Apparently… the ability to make money, to inspire people, to motivate and lift them up. And I have no idea how I’m doing it, because I cannot do the same for me, at least not now.

But tonight, after a bad and disappointing day somebody’s words made my day. One of the people that bought my book, left me some messages on hangouts telling me that she likes one of my books, that she is very impressed with my work and that will help her prepare for the exam.

It is not the first time I receive thanks for one of my books. And sometimes they come at the moments then I need them the most. Thank you Sindiso Mpofu, you made my day!


Mar 07 2017

Just in a damn fine good mood

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:03

I started doing a lot of things this year. I am slowly steering my career into a new direction, I am writing a new book, I have at least two teaching activities and I am getting fit.(Or die trying :D) Sometimes it seems as I am biting more than I can chew, but then again I know myself better now. I lived for many years not trusting myself and always doubting my will and my abilities. Sometimes I still do that verbally. Sometimes I still do that in my mind. But when I lift my head up from my pillow and I see the sun shining in my window, I know that this new day, is just another day that if I use correctly it will bring me closer to my purpose.

What’s my purpose? To make this year a little bit better than the last one. To make me a little bit better this year. To bring my contribution to making my small universe a little bit better.

Sure, there will be stormy days, there will be bad troughs and low self-esteem. But they will pass. They always do.

I’m feeling particularly optimistic today, no idea why. It wasn’t such a good day, but here I am, after a good movie and some Sinatra, thinking positively about tomorrow.

I’ve been thinking a lot these days. You see, I had some many plans for this year. I wanted to take a sabbatical. I wanted to listen to John Mayer sing live. I wanted to go to Australia. Maybe US. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to fall in love and try being with someone again. I wanted to learn to play guitar. I wanted to get my motorbike drivers license and a motorbike. None of this will happen, but some other things that I did not plan for will. And they are nonetheless amazing. And I am happy and grateful. There is one thing this year that might happen that will make me the happiest I’ve been in my lifetime. I’ll tell you about it in a month or so.

Sure, nothing in the TODO list will get done this year. But at least I’ve managed to get all my ducks in a row and get my shit together. That’s gotta count for something. ;)

After how my life started and how it unfolded over the years, I never thought I deserve to be this happy. I guess I was wrong.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Mar 05 2017

Always late to the party

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:36

In Romania, we have an expression that goes like this: “Never run after women and never run after trains. Others will always come.” This also means, that if you missed your train, no matter how much you run, you will not catch it.  In English you have a similar, but shorter expression to describe people that miss their moment, “The ones that are always late to the party.

I am one of these people. Since I’ve been born I was always late to the party.

My first love died and never got to tell him how I really felt.

The second is happily married with a 5 or 6 year old kid that has his eyes. He probably does not know how much he meant to me either.

The third, well I could not have made it to that party unless I was born 20 years ago, because he is a lot older than me.

The forth, he’s either married, or he has given his heart to somebody else such a long time ago, that it does not belong to him anymore. I really do not want to know at this point.

I usually do not care. When I start caring, I become weak. I lose sleep and my imagination tries to compensate for the sadness of not being loved back, by giving me weird dreams. I turn to logic and try to turn cold. I hide behind my glasses and behind the awkwardness of my introvert nature. And I dive deep into work, I dive deep into sport. I make myself physically and mentally tired so I cannot think of my feelings anymore. I keep myself busy so I do not have time to think about feelings. I ignore them until they disappear, or turn into lesser versions that do not have the power to hinder my judgement.

Sometimes I lie to myself that what I’m doing is actually working on myself, becoming a better person, because I will meet him one day and he deserves to meet the best version of me. But sometimes, all my work and all my effort seems so pointless. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for an imaginary lover that I might never meet, or miss him by a few hours, or years. Because that is how I roll, apparently.

I’ll just have to wait for the next party. Or train. Or man. Unless I die until then. And if I die, there’s not much loss anyway. We are all born and die without a reason or purpose, in a  few generations there will be almost no trace of the real us anyway. I’ll find comfort in my loneliness and pain, and I will use them as fuel to move forward. No idea towards what or whom.

And meanwhile, life goes on, the sun keeps shining.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Tags: , ,


Mar 03 2017

Full speed ahead

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:44

Tonight I left work quite late. I’ve been struggling with a performance issue and an infinite loop in some code that was written years ago, that was undocumented, written in a very high cohesive manner and almost impossible to test, not unless you were willing to make a deal with the devil and selling a piece of your soul that is.

I like challenges, I like complicated people, I like complicate problems, but working on this task has drained me. While working on this task I thought about quitting a thousand times. And then I quit that idea. I love writing code, providing solutions, but this was not it. This was sisific work. And after all this time, finally one of the colleagues that has worked with this code from the beginning came in and saved the day. I am glad he did, because I could barely sleep while being haunted by that infinite loop, and when I did I had nightmares about being fired because I could not make it work.  Honestly, I don’t know why there is a team working with that code, because lately everyone working with that code managed to break something. Except for this guy, he is the only one that actually can make any change on it work.

And while torturing myself mentally and felling like the shittiest developer/architect/IT professional ever, I was offered the possibility to switch slowly to managing. When my manager told me on Tuesday that I have to get used to the idea that I won’t be writing code anymore, I was reluctant about it. But now, not so much. I am tired and I am disappointed. And most of all I realized that I do not want to code like this. I am sick of coding as a sanitary fish, to patch and fix POC’s of genius minds, that can solve complex problem, but they cannot share their knowledge. I like to think my architectures thoroughly, I like to write design documents and UML schemas. I like to write my tests simultaneously with my code.  This is the way I want to code. If I can’t do it this way, well… I’d rather not do it at all.

So yeah, I’m gonna write books and design projects the way I like to do it. And when it comes to company work, soon, it will be management. And if that does not work, I’ll just sell all my belongings and go travel the world until I’m left without money. And then I’ll just climb on top of  a high peak over the sea and jump, and end my life with a fast flight and a big splash.

Stay safe, stay happy!