Oct 05 2016

When he tells you he does not know what he wants

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:58

And now that I’m hooked on the series it’s even funnier. ;)

Oct 02 2016

An innocent joke

Category: Funny,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:32

It is a myth that birthmarks are where you were wounded when you died in a previous life.

Christians, I have very good news for you. I have a birthmark on one of my palms and one right under my left breast, therefore I am Jesus.

Sep 26 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13340.04

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 4:05

This week has been a good one. Autumn is coming, the mornings are cold and the sun rises after I rise from my bed and start my day, but I am slowly getting used to it.  The last weeks have been a little rough. I fell in love with someone. Actually  I do not know if I have fallen in love with him, or the potential man he could be one day. Because if there is one thing I’m a fool for, is men with potential. And this is stupid, because I see myself as a catalyst for their growth. When what I need right now is somebody to be a catalyst for me. I am human like everybody else and I often confuse what I want with what I need just like obese people want to eat a lot of good stuff when they need to exercise and take better care of their diet.

But, this is not about me and my almost broken heart. I was lucky this time, my heart has not been broken, just my ego got a little bruised. But if life taught me anything until now, everything fades away. I just have to give it time, make new memories and work a lot to stop the sad thoughts from overwhelming me and slowly drift into depression.

This  post is not about me. This post is about Bogdan. Since I started this blog I’ve written at least one entry about him each year. If you use the tag you can probably see them all. You can read what I hoped his life would have been like, you can read what he meant to me and why. He is just another person that died too soon and I would gladly give half of my live to have him in front of me for a minute. I still wonder why he had to die and a useless piece of meat like me got to live. I am sure he would have had a great life. I am sure he would not be alone right now writing about random and useless stuff on a blog nobody reads.

I had my share of pain before he died and I’ve had my share of pain after he died. I am sure more pain is to come. Which is ok, because I am cold and strong and I can take it. I did the best I could with my life. I still wish he could be here to see it though. I still wish we could have drank that bloody beer to celebrate I was admitted into faculty. I still wish I would have told him how much I loved him. He would have laughed and told me I’m being funny. And I would have smiled and said that’s the way I am, a funny little creature.

If there is such thing as a soulmate, he was mine. I don’t think I had the guts to call him my soulmate until now. This is the 15th year I lived without him. I never thought I would make it this far. I never thought his memory would haunt me for 15 years. But here I am. Sleepless. Sad. In mourning.

Love, I’ll see you next lifetime. I’ll be there.

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Sep 25 2016

Saying goodbye to Dublin sky

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 13:30

In 2011 I was in Dublin for a month and a half for work. I have no idea if the job or the new and troubled relationship I was involved into were to blame, but I did not like that town and I could barely wait to get out of there.

Time has passed and five years or so later I took a step out of the plane and into Dublin again. The plane did not shake so much when landing, but the typical island wind was right there to welcome me. The grey sky was there too. I took the bus and headed to the city. One of the things I love about UK and Ireland are the two level buses. You can just take at seat the the second level and see the road into town from a higher level, you get a better and more ample view. Dublin was as I remembered it, a cold mix of architectural works spanning about 200 years and a lot of dirt. Yes, dirt, because no matter how much the cleaning companies are working, Dublin is always dirty. No idea if the cause for this is the tourists, its inhabitants and the wind that always moves the dirt around, or all three. And when I say dirt, I mean garbage, every single thing that humans do not need and throw away, ends up in the streets, no idea how or why and it is never cleaned out completely.

The beer is good tough and there are multiple options in this domain. And cider, oh my god, the cider! So many brands, so many flavors, I’m salivating while writing these lines. And the pubs, so many pubs. But the pubs are awesome because they sell the previously mentioned beverages so… And Dubliners are noisy, the pubs are so noisy that remind me a lot of Romania’s pubs. Dublin is a city that is truly alive if you take this in consideration.

Something else I noticed: sugary foods. All food is sweet, and people living in Dublin look like they are on the same obesity path as US. Which is so, so… sad.

The Ireland coast line is the only reason to see Ireland. Coast cities and villages are the best looking, neat and clean and cozy as hell, and the combination between mountains and see never ceases to blow my mind.

But no, Dublin is no city to leave in. Traffic is hell, rent is expensive and rent properties are unkempt. I guess even people stop cleaning after a while. I have friends that pay 700-800 euro for a room/studio in poor neighborhoods of the city. Not idea how big the salaries are in Dublin, but if the rent is over 10% of your salary you are in big trouble.

I had fun though and at least now I know that my initial perception of Dublin was correct. I honestly thought, because of my heartache from 5 years ago, that I got the wrong idea, that I thought that Dublin is a sad and dirty city, and its grey sky feels heavy on the hearts of its inhabitants.

So I’m leaving the grey Dublin sky behind and this time I had the time for a proper goodbye.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Sep 23 2016

The liking bias

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:18

A year ago or so, while being in an airport a book has attracted my attention and I bought it: The Art of Thinking Clearly, by Rolph Dobelli. This book covers quite a lot of logic fallacies that humans fall prey in their existence and they do not even realize it.  I consider myself quote a rational person, some friends say I m hyper-rational most of the times. Because there are a lot of cases where people use their gut or inference, while I am paranoid enough to read the manual, there are a lot of cases where people take things for granted while I am yet again paranoid and always fearful things will go wrong.

I started reading this book again because I keep repeating the same mistake when it comes to people I get close to and I found there is a fallacy that fits my case. It is called the Liking Bias: the more we like a person the more we are inclined to buy from them or help and support them. Simple. And then there are the reasons why we like someone:

  • they are outwardly attractive
  • they are similar to us in terms of origin, personality or interests
  • they like us

I look of those three reasons and I realize the middle one applies to me the most. Why? Because of my childhood. I did not have the happiest childhood. I always felt weird, out of place, like a piece of puzzle forced in the wrong place. So it only makes sense that I am attracted by people that seem weird and out of place. I am still a peculiar person so I cannot escape this one. I live mostly in my head and my imagination is my best companion. I am over-paranoid, I do not trust people, I have really, really low self-confidence and a lot of social anxiety, I cannot look people in the eyes, thus I kinda avoid people. I also live in a 1 and 0 world and refuse to accept shades of grey. I am an atheist, but I believe in soul-mates. I love my cat and car, more than I love most people. I love Early Grey with milk and Sinatra in the morning. And I hate sleeping. I am always worried about my weight and drink beer like a German. I also like The Script, Marilyn Manson and Darren Hayes. I sometimes express myself in songs to people. The only thing I am scared in this world is falling in love and becoming irrational, that is why relationship beginnings are always bumpy with me, because the more they attract me, the more I try to run away from them. So I do consider myself weird and I cannot understand for the life of me why somebody would like me and want to be with me romantically speaking. That is why, when I meet somebody that seems to be even as remotely as misfit as me I become smitten, and put my whole being at their mercy: heart and soul.

It has never gone well. No idea what to do here. It all comes down to childhood I guess, we all accept the love we think we deserve. But what if subconsciously I consider that I do not deserve to be loved? Because… oh well… nevermind. I’ll just have to call my psychologist again, because I’m over-thinking this. Anyway, read Rolf Dobelli’s book. It is awesome at showing you the errors of your logic that you have no control over. :D

Stay safe, stay happy!

Sep 22 2016

How to find your place in the world

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 13:54

I have lived on this planet for over thirty three years. I have complied to other people rules. I have done things because I thought they were right. I have given up fights because others told me it was the right thing to do. I have cried my eyes out for love. I have worked my nights to ignore a broken heart. I have have been homophobic and judgemental. I have done so many mistakes I lost count. I’ve had so many regrets I became bitter. I have experienced love, pain, loss, success. There is a happiness in pain when you are just so glad you are still able to feel something. And there is a pain in success when you realize that when you die … it really, really does not matter. Nothing really matters actually. Then why do it?

Fuck me if I know. All my life I expected to reach the next level in life, to find out there is nothing there but waiting for the next level.

And right now I am seriously considering going back one level.

Did you really expected to find here the answer to your question? Well, rest assured, when I’ll find my own place in the world, I’ll make a tutorial for you. :D

Stay safe, stay happy!

Sep 17 2016

So far away

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:02

I am waking up on a cozy sofa, sun shining happily in my window. Across the street the light green field is full with seagulls chasing who knows what in the grass. I saw them every morning this week. The city of Edinburgh is waking up slowly. I get out of the bed and start the tea-maker to enjoy my last Earl Gray with milk in this lovely city.

Edinburgh is a city like no other, alive but cozy, full of culture and with a rich past that transpires through every building still standing for more than 100 years and every new building that was build respecting the old casterly exterior. Yes, casterly, as in, looking like a castle.

When people say “the grass is greener on the other side” I like to think they are talking about Scotland now, because the green is greener and more joyfull here. Folks here say it is the humidity that makes the grass a happy green. Believe me you’ve never seen happier shades of green anywhere in the world. And though the island climate does not allow many sunny days, the afire green of Scotland makes their parks and golf courses look heavenly.

The Scots are proud, but gentle people. They are educated, open minded but modest and helpful. They are proud of their history and their struggle to keep their cultural identity alive and kicking. The myths about Scots being greedy are a fabrication.

I love Edinburgh, in only six days it has become one of my favorite cities that I will take into consideration when moving out of Romania. This I say it now, when I am far away from home, in this cozy apartment next to Craigmiller’s castle. I am so far away from everything that I love, from everything that hurts me, from my normality. Maybe I will make this city a part of my normality one day.

Stay safe, stay happy!