Jan 24 2017

The best person in my life

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:43

What person came into your mind when you read that title?

For me it is simple, the best person in my life is me. Call me selfish, but nobody else came into my mind. And thinking about past me, I think my situation is better now.

I grew up in a defective family, raised by cold and uncommunicative parents. So in adulthood I always tried to win somebody’s love and appreciation, and I always seemed to choose persons that were not interested in giving those to me. The more they rejected and treated me badly, the more I tried to change that. My psychologist said that there are two reasons why I did it: because the rejection was familiar or because I am trying to reconstruct my family life’s story and give it a different ending. I can tell you for sure that I do not like being rejected, and if I am being rejected I react by turning cold and shutting those persons out of my life, sometimes quite unexpectedly and brutally. So, obviously I’m the second type of damaged, the one that tries and tries and tries for a different ending. Or I used to be, because now that I know what kind of damaged type I am, I can compensate.

I used to have low self esteem, well I still do have it sometimes, but at least now it is not a constant thing. Having low self esteem unfortunately leads to looking for external sources of validation. People with low self esteem look for strength, motivation, happiness and identity in others. They find a person and set on its shoulders the responsibility of becoming the planet that they gravitate around. Psychologists call these persons co-dependents. The person they gravitate around is called an enabler.  I think in the past I have had co-dependent tendencies. But in my case they always clashed with my survivor’s nature. That is why, when given the proper condition to finally to take over, my survivor’s instinct took over and became the funding of the present me.

In this world there are truly remarkable people, some of them have already died, some of them are currently alive and not many know about them and some are always waiting to be born. If you are lucky enough to meet one of these people you should look up to them as a role-model, you should learn from them, you should admire them, but never make them the center of your existence. Take what is great about them and try to mimic it within your own personality, but be careful not to get attached to them as a person. Because a great mind, holds within it just as much craziness and sometimes the person as a full might not be at all pleasant or good natured. Just like anything else in this world, humans are not fully good, nor fully bad, they are a mix. That is why, the best person in your life should be you, because that is the only one that you can shape and control to quite a high degree.

Our mind can never be shared. You can share your thoughts, but never be sure you interpret them correctly yourself. The hideous truth is that we are born and we die alone, that is why even if you have friends and lovers, the best person in your life should be you. You should trust, love and respect yourself, because you can never rely on others to do that for you. You do not have to do it all the time, you are allowed timeouts of low self esteem and crying for no reason, but never allow others to treat you worse than you treat yourself. Never rely on anyone else to make you happy or feel complete. Because all people have faults and they will probably make mistakes. And never dedicate all your efforts to “fix” or make somebody else happy. Because another hideous truth is nobody owes you anything and you do not owe anybody else anything either. I’m not saying you should be selfish, but you should make sure not to forget about self preservation. We are all  doing our best here to have a life well lived at the end of our days.

Sometimes it will hurt, sometimes you will be so happy you will think you do not deserve it. This is life, move on, get over it. Just keep living.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jan 19 2017

Tristă Românie, țara mea de …

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:30

… toată jalea.

După revoluție, generațiile  care nu erau majore pe atunci au sperat că vor avea șansa de a crește într-o Românie nouă, una fără comuniști. Dar n-a fost să fie. Părinții noștri au trăit într-o Românie în care adevărul te putea arunca în închisoare, dacă deranja vrun politician. Noi trăim într-o Românie în care adevărul nu contează. Nu știu care dintre astea două versiuni e mai demoralizantă. Știm cu toții că politicienii noștri fură, acum fură pe față. Cică avem legi, poliție, justiție, dar aparent legile sunt încălcate, iar de plătit pentru asta se plătește selectiv.

Avem atâtea medii de comunicare acum și fărădelegile oamenilor ăstora ajung la urechile tuturor. Oamenii ăștia nu realizează că nu sunt intangibili și că sunt doar oameni, care sunt și ei cu o moarte datori? E de ajuns un om disperat și care nu mai are nimic de pierdut să afle unde stă un politician și s-ar putea să avem parte de niște drame.

Poate nu îmi aduc aminte bine, dar pe când eram în facultate am auzit o știre care mi-a zburlit părul pe spinare. O fetiță de numai 7 ani a fost violată și omorâtă în scara unui bloc. ( unii dintre voi vor gândi ironic acum: Heh, Moldova!) Ceea ce face știrea asta interesantă este că fetița asta era fiica unui politician, care făcuse destule mișmașuri la nivelul Iașului. Nimeni nu a îndrăznit să scrie sau sa insinueze că pentru faptele tatălui ei, a plătit ea, un copil nevinovat. Dar toți cei ce auziseră de omul respectiv au avut aceeași bănuială.

Ceea ce nu realizează PSD este că oamenii ce i-au ales, i-au ales să își facă treaba. E clar că nici un bugetar sau pensionar nu se va apuca de reglat conturi, dar niște tineri fără viitor, deci fără nimic de pierdut, s-ar putea să o facă. Pentru că e așa ușor să afli informații în ziua de azi… Și poate generațiile de după revoluție n-au făcut armata și nu știu trage cu arma, dar niște chimiști să facă bombițe sigur se vor găsi, iar cocktailurile Molotov nu sunt greu de făcut. Bătrânii și bugetarii ce au ales PSD nu vor ieși în stradă să le apere cururile dacă tinerii se vor hotărâ că doar o altă revoluție violentă e soluția de a scăpa de javre.

Dar mai e mult până acolo, cum zice un prieten de-al meu, încă nu ne-a ajuns cuțitul la os. Știu că poate ce scriu eu vi se pare aberant și improbabil. Și eu sunt de aceeași părere. Din fericire românii sunt un popor laș și pacifist. Mereu au fugit de dușmani în munți și au otrăvit fântânile sau am preferat să plătim tribut. Alegând PSD am ales de fapt să plătim tribut.  Iar când tributul va deveni prea apăsător ăștia tineri vor fugi în alte țări.

Istoria se repeta.

 

 

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Jan 18 2017

The WOW Cheese Cake

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:19

The WOW Cheese Cake is my favorite type of cheese cake. It is my own creation and because it has been complimented a lot I decided to share the recipe with you guys.

Let’s start with the crust:

  1. 1 package of Lotus biscuits (200 grams one)
  2. 3 big spoons of white sugar
  3. 100 melted grams of fat butter (80% fat or more)

Blend the Lotus biscuits until they became a fine power. Add sugar and melted butter and stir firmly until everything is well mixed together. Put this into a cake pan. If the pan has detachable base, grease it, otherwise use cooking paper to cover it up. Pour the biscuit mix into it and  distribute it evenly using a glass. Put in the oven and bake it until you feel the caramel smell in the room.

During the baking of the crust you prepare the filling:

  1. 4 boxes of Philadelphia cheese (200g ones) (if your pan is big enough use 5)
  2. 1 box of mascarpone cheese (250 g)
  3. 200 ml of liquid cream
  4. 5 eggs
  5. 5 spoons of sugar
  6. 2 spoons of coconut pudding powder

Blend all the above together until the mix is so good you would eat it raw. (there’s no other way to describe it.) Pour this mix over the cooked crust and put the cake into the oven. Bake at  160 degrees C (350 degrees F) for about 55 to 60 minutes or until the edges get yellow-brownish colur.

While the cheese cake is baking, prepare the topping:

  1. 100g Billington’s molasses sugar
  2. 50g fat butter (80% fat or more)
  3. 100 ml liquid cream

Melt the butter in a pan. Add the molasses sugar and gently still until melted. Add the cream and continue stirring until well mixed together into a soft and tasty caramel.

When the cheese cake is done baking, get it out of the oven and put the caramel on top. Wait for it to cool down, then put in the fridge overnight. (try to resist until morning, it will be worth it)

The only picture I have is of one already eaten, but it will have to do. ;)

 

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Oct 05 2016

When he tells you he does not know what he wants

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:58

And now that I’m hooked on the series it’s even funnier. ;)


Oct 02 2016

An innocent joke

Category: Funny,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:32

It is a myth that birthmarks are where you were wounded when you died in a previous life.

Christians, I have very good news for you. I have a birthmark on one of my palms and one right under my left breast, therefore I am Jesus.


Sep 26 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13340.04

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 4:05

This week has been a good one. Autumn is coming, the mornings are cold and the sun rises after I rise from my bed and start my day, but I am slowly getting used to it.  The last weeks have been a little rough. I fell in love with someone. Actually  I do not know if I have fallen in love with him, or the potential man he could be one day. Because if there is one thing I’m a fool for, is men with potential. And this is stupid, because I see myself as a catalyst for their growth. When what I need right now is somebody to be a catalyst for me. I am human like everybody else and I often confuse what I want with what I need just like obese people want to eat a lot of good stuff when they need to exercise and take better care of their diet.

But, this is not about me and my almost broken heart. I was lucky this time, my heart has not been broken, just my ego got a little bruised. But if life taught me anything until now, everything fades away. I just have to give it time, make new memories and work a lot to stop the sad thoughts from overwhelming me and slowly drift into depression.

This  post is not about me. This post is about Bogdan. Since I started this blog I’ve written at least one entry about him each year. If you use the tag you can probably see them all. You can read what I hoped his life would have been like, you can read what he meant to me and why. He is just another person that died too soon and I would gladly give half of my live to have him in front of me for a minute. I still wonder why he had to die and a useless piece of meat like me got to live. I am sure he would have had a great life. I am sure he would not be alone right now writing about random and useless stuff on a blog nobody reads.

I had my share of pain before he died and I’ve had my share of pain after he died. I am sure more pain is to come. Which is ok, because I am cold and strong and I can take it. I did the best I could with my life. I still wish he could be here to see it though. I still wish we could have drank that bloody beer to celebrate I was admitted into faculty. I still wish I would have told him how much I loved him. He would have laughed and told me I’m being funny. And I would have smiled and said that’s the way I am, a funny little creature.

If there is such thing as a soulmate, he was mine. I don’t think I had the guts to call him my soulmate until now. This is the 15th year I lived without him. I never thought I would make it this far. I never thought his memory would haunt me for 15 years. But here I am. Sleepless. Sad. In mourning.

Love, I’ll see you next lifetime. I’ll be there.

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Sep 25 2016

Saying goodbye to Dublin sky

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 13:30

In 2011 I was in Dublin for a month and a half for work. I have no idea if the job or the new and troubled relationship I was involved into were to blame, but I did not like that town and I could barely wait to get out of there.

Time has passed and five years or so later I took a step out of the plane and into Dublin again. The plane did not shake so much when landing, but the typical island wind was right there to welcome me. The grey sky was there too. I took the bus and headed to the city. One of the things I love about UK and Ireland are the two level buses. You can just take at seat the the second level and see the road into town from a higher level, you get a better and more ample view. Dublin was as I remembered it, a cold mix of architectural works spanning about 200 years and a lot of dirt. Yes, dirt, because no matter how much the cleaning companies are working, Dublin is always dirty. No idea if the cause for this is the tourists, its inhabitants and the wind that always moves the dirt around, or all three. And when I say dirt, I mean garbage, every single thing that humans do not need and throw away, ends up in the streets, no idea how or why and it is never cleaned out completely.

The beer is good tough and there are multiple options in this domain. And cider, oh my god, the cider! So many brands, so many flavors, I’m salivating while writing these lines. And the pubs, so many pubs. But the pubs are awesome because they sell the previously mentioned beverages so… And Dubliners are noisy, the pubs are so noisy that remind me a lot of Romania’s pubs. Dublin is a city that is truly alive if you take this in consideration.

Something else I noticed: sugary foods. All food is sweet, and people living in Dublin look like they are on the same obesity path as US. Which is so, so… sad.

The Ireland coast line is the only reason to see Ireland. Coast cities and villages are the best looking, neat and clean and cozy as hell, and the combination between mountains and see never ceases to blow my mind.

But no, Dublin is no city to leave in. Traffic is hell, rent is expensive and rent properties are unkempt. I guess even people stop cleaning after a while. I have friends that pay 700-800 euro for a room/studio in poor neighborhoods of the city. Not idea how big the salaries are in Dublin, but if the rent is over 10% of your salary you are in big trouble.

I had fun though and at least now I know that my initial perception of Dublin was correct. I honestly thought, because of my heartache from 5 years ago, that I got the wrong idea, that I thought that Dublin is a sad and dirty city, and its grey sky feels heavy on the hearts of its inhabitants.

So I’m leaving the grey Dublin sky behind and this time I had the time for a proper goodbye.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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