Oct 07 2018

The lonely road

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:45

When I was in college I had a teacher; she was ancient. She was teaching databases and she was probably there when they were invented because her knowledge of data relationships and normalization was extensive. My colleagues used to criticize her for her childish voice, for how she dressed, for how she taught. The poor woman could do nothing right apparently, just because she never married, she was a spinster. It’s so strange how people assume behavior from basically … nothing.

I also had another teacher that never married, a man. Men spinsters that manage to be functional adults are automatically labeled as drunken geniuses, that dedicated their lives to their passions and that is why their personal lives never happened. But old women that never married, they are obviously crazy-sour man-hater good for nothing bitches.

Ha ha, see what I did there? I just underlined a sexist double standard.

Clearly, the two cases are limited to the Romanian culture. Not sure what preconceptions other cultures have about spinsters. Another thing that is common in Romania is to mostly isolate people that skip the marriage step.  Spinsters are viewed as misfits and sometimes a danger to existing marriages. Because in our culture it is considered “not normal” to be single and obviously if you tell people you’ve chosen and accepted solitude, you must be actually lying and the only reason you try to stay close to people that are married is so you can steal somebody’s husband or wife. Isolating and casting out people that end up alone is a social phenomenon.  I’m not even sure if the root of how we view single people has a religious or a political reason. Because church and political regimes have at least one thing in common: they love the traditional family, the one made by one man and one woman, the fundamental cell of any society, that leads to the creation of new people, believers for the church and taxpayers for the state.  This is quite a big discussion, but the core idea is that being single after a certain age is bad and everything while growing up, teaches you that the worst thing to be as an adult is … alone.

Seriously, my parents biggest fear was that I and my sister will never marry because we were ugly and poor and we would become a burden for them. Since I was a child I remember my mother teaching me how to do everything around the house, because those were the skills a good wife had to have. And their fear transmitted to me too, because I am a little abashed looking back at my romantic history, because I am pretty sure, most of my decisions in my relationships were caused by that fear. And no, they were not good decisions.

Anyway, more than four years ago, a series of unfortunate events and bad decisions (not all mine) left me for the first time in my life in the state of being single after a really bad and brusque breakup. I’ve had moments when I blamed myself, I’ve had moments when I blamed him. When you are in pain, blame is like a ball in an out of control pinball machine. No matter where you throw the damn ball it will always hit something until it finds the path out. Truth is we were not compatible, not unless both being extraordinarily stubborn counts.  We would have hurt each other way worse if it hadn’t ended when it did and I am forever grateful to the lover after me.

And this is how my long walk on the lonely road began.

Honestly, I’ve never expected for me to be single for so long. But then again, I’ve never really tried that hard not to be. I’ve written books, I’ve traveled and I’ve filled all my free time with things I’ve wanted to do for so long, that there was not much time left to … date. But that’s not important right now.

What I want to tell you is that the lady teacher that I previously mentioned, was always nice to me. She had this childlike voice and never avoided answering a question, even if the answer was “I don’t know”. She had never been anything else than sweet and kind. By comparison, the male teacher was quite bitter and cynical. So, really, if I end up like her it’s not a bad thing.

The loner life fits me for the moment. It has fit me for the last four years.  I’ve embraced solitude as a normality and I don’t really care if me being single hurts the church or the economy. I did not choose this, but I’ll be damned if I let it make me bitter, sour or cynical.

Some people have to walk alone. And that is something to admire not chastise and ridicule.

Oct 05 2018

Iuliana’s miss-happenings

Category: Funny,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 19:52

I’m not good with people. In a way, this is expected from a former(actual?) nerd, so it’s not that bad. But when I am actually interested in dating someone, you can imagine why this is a more than a little inconvenient.

There is a fine line between being sort of unapproachable and tickling the curiosity sense of men and not being interesting at all. I do not know where that line is. And so far I managed to cross it every time and in such a brusque manner, that I still do not understand how I do it, or when, or why!!??

This entry has been waiting in the draft folder for over a year, I cannot for the life of me remember the intention behind writing it. But here we go. Around that time, I had a chat with a friend and she was asking me about the company party, and if I’ve met anyone interesting there. Because this is a bonus of working for a big international company that has offices around the world, big parties where you can meet a lot of new people. And I spilled all the beans and told her I met a guy and totally blew it, by forgetting how to drink beer. Yes, this one of my seduction moves.

In my defense, I sort of moved the glass upward more than I should have because I was so focused on his face and hung up on any word he said, and managed to spill beer on my face in a very obvious way. Beer is good for the skin though, so at least there’s that.  My friend was amused and said that is good because my interest would be obvious in this case, so it should lead to something. I’m not so sure being ridiculous qualifies.

So yeah, dude, in case you did not figure it out at the time, I drenched my face in beer because I was mesmerized by how wonderful you were, not because  I’m overall clumsy and awkward.

And now, the cherry on top… this entry has been in the draft directory that I ‘m not sure who the awesome guy was.

Life is good though!

Stay safe, stay happy! (And it’s Friday, so go party!)

Oct 03 2018

Late night thoughts

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:50

Humans are hung up on the myth of “the one”. We write songs, we write novels and we live our lives hoping we meet “the one”. This person should complete us, should make us feel whole, should fix everything that is wrong inside and outside of us and provide a refuge in the midst of all that is shitty around us. And it is a great myth to hold on to, it’s a nice dream to have and there is no expiration date. Because you can hope meeting the one until the day that you die.

So we live, and we wait for that moment to happen. To meet a person that will freeze time at the first contact. To meet the person that when you first see, an accidental ray of sunshine will isolate them from all the greyness and your heart will skip a beat and you will know.

I was a firm believer in this myth. The first time I met him I knew there was something about him. Because I couldn’t stop looking at him. I was so awkward and did not want him to find me creepy and tried to avoid looking directly at him, but I couldn’t stop looking at him. It’s like time stopped when we were introduced and we shook hands. I still remember his bony white hand and the long fingers squeezing my hand.

And then he died. Poof! Gone. What was I supposed to do? Live my life waiting to die and hoping in an afterlife with him? Because even if I wasn’t a believer, the shoes of a person that is no longer present are some big shoes another person must fill. And they never will. And rationally you know it is absurd to expect them to, but chemicals in our brains don’t really give a rats ass about this.

I was watching a clip today of one of my beloved artists and he was asked how he knew his wife was the one. And it made it sound so simple and obvious. There was no ray of sunshine, no frozen time, just great chemistry. Which is what I believe now after so many years of being an adult and meeting other adults. It all starts here: chemistry.

But well, there are so many things in the middle. The good news: natural chemistry is always reciprocated. The bad news: you can have chemistry with people that do not fit your character. Because chemistry is what brings you together, a match of character is what keeps you together. Another bad news: chemistry is really hard to resist. And because of our romanticized idea of human relationships, most of us try to build lasting relationships based on chemistry. If you are lucky and the person you had a reaction with is a decent human being that fits you, you’re all set.  You can stop looking, put a ring on it and enjoy.  But if you are unlucky(like me) you end up with a history of unhappy relationships and reluctance to give in to chemistry.

So… what to do, what to do? I have no idea, do you ?

Oct 03 2018

When you are a responsible person…

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 16:15

… you are a responsible person even in your dreams.

I think by now you are used to blog entries about my crazy dreams. Well, this one might make make you laugh a little.

So, last night I drank alone a bottle of 500 ml of a wonderful Prosecco. I am Romanian and I grew up in region quite close to Russia so believe me that bottle was evening tea for me. Anyway, my brains decided that the bottle of Prosecco was a good inspiration for a dream.

So, in my dream, I drank the bottle and went to the Panic At the Disco! concert (that it is not until March 2019, by the way). And if you think I have dreamed the whole concert experience, you would be completely mistaken. In my dream, I wake up in my bed in my room with Brendon Urie in my bed. He is sleeping heavily and I have no idea how we both got there and I could not remember anything about the concert. And I was slightly puzzled that the concert took place in October 2018 too.

Anyway, what do you think is the first thing that I do? I start looking for my wallet and phones. Yes, my friends, instead of climbing Brendon Urie like a telephone pole, or waking him up to ask him how we ended up in the present situation, the responsible me started looking for her phone and wallet, because that’s what a responsible person does after a drunk night out. And I woke up panicked about not finding my wallet and phones, to find out it was still night, no Brendon Urie in my bed, just my fat cat.

Well, I have high hopes for the concert in March now. ;)

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Oct 02 2018

Happy Birthday!

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:28
You would have been thirty-seven today my dear friend, but life got in the way. The universe had other plans for you, plans that I and all the people that knew you will never understand or approve of. Every year when this day comes I imagine what your life would have been. I think you would have been a great husband and an amazing dad. You would have two amazing kids, that I would have spoiled rotten. Because my friend, if you would have never died, I would have never left home probably. I would have stayed close to see the man that I imagine you might have become. But the universe had other plans. You are no more, and it took me more than ten years to realize that the best way to cope with you not being here is living my life for the both of us. So I embarked on an adventure, to see the world, to be happy. And to keep you always in my heart and in my mind so I can share each experience with you. I really hope I’ve done well so far and you had as much fun as I did. If there’s something else you want done, just give me a sign, whether in a dream or in a ray of sunshine. That amazing family that I imagine you would have had, I can’t share that with you yet. Because somehow I was unable to make that happen for me. I never really knew how, but I’m still learning and it might still happen. Because I am healthy and I am still here and this must be for a reason, right? Just bear with me my dear friend, it might still happen someday. So, I wish you a Happy Birthday! wherever you are and I will drink your share of that prosecco, which is quite amazing by the way. ;)

Sep 29 2018

Dreaming in … Italian(!?)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 20:15

I have quite a big imagination and the scenarios and stories I invent when I am awake, do not even compare to those my brains creates when I am asleep. I once dreamed 20 years of an alternate life for me. That is how crazy my dreams can be. But this entry is not about that.

Some time ago I took part in quite an interesting conversation. You see, I work in an international company and most colleagues speak at least two languages. And this conversation was about the languages we dream in. And it was the first time I realized that I dream in Romanian and English, but it really depends on the characters involved in the dream. If I dream of characters that speak English I will dream in English, but otherwise I rememeber as being Romanian. But last night was different. And I remebered that conversation exactly because of that.

This week an Italian colleague quit the company and last evening all of us went out for a beer to celebrate his new beginning. As a consequence, my brains decided the night out must continue in my dream, in Italian, because another colleague was telling a story in my dream in Italian and was telling us “Lei e la mia donna”. There was no “donna” there, but apparently, he had one.

So yeah, apparently I can dream in Italian, I’m now waiting for the French and German dreams. Because obviously, if I dream of people speaking those languages and I understand and remember what they are saying, I must be way good at those languages than I think.  

Sep 18 2018

Stories must have an end

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 13:00

When I was little and just started reading, my favorites were fairy tales. Not because of all the imaginary characters with fantastic abilities and unreal adventures. But because they had a clear and concise end. I think the first tale I hated a little was One Thousand and One Nights because I was unable to find all the books at the local library. 

And now as an adult, I love some series but hate the studios that dropped them without a clear end. Firefly is the fist one that comes to mind. Lie to Me is the second and there are a few more, but I digress.

After Game of Thrones started airing, I had to buy the books, because I needed an end. To my disappointment George RR Martin, did not finish writing his book series, so after reading all the published books of the series I still feel… off. I don’t know how to describe this feeling. It’s like you’ve been dumped, but never given a reason. It’s like a bullet would that healed with the bullet being left in.

That’s why I hate Netflix, so many of their series are just … unfinished. And some of them are great, but just because people haven’t discovered them – and how could people discover them, there are only 24 hours in a day, and we work and sleep for about 16 of them – they will probably get cancelled.

That’s not the case of Altered Carbon though. I think they are going to continue this one. But I cannot wait for them to do it. So I bought the books and started reading them.

One of the most interesting things I do, when I read books after being introduced to a TV show is to take a note of the differences, and modify the scenery and the characters looks based on the descriptions in the book. And if you think Joel Kinnaman is hot, just imagine him with dark hair and more blueish eyes. It is interesting though how the story in the movie diverges from the one in the book. Maybe I’m not that far into the book, but things look a really different so far. For example, it puzzled me in the show that the main Meths in the Story, Laurens and Miriam Bancroft would choose 40-year old looking sleeves, when they had the option for younger, hotter ones. I think that this was a visual decision for the show, to make it clear that they are indeed really old. But in the book, Miriam wears a 20-year looking sleeve. And Ortega, is taller and slender, but in the movie they preferred to cast an actress that looks typically Latino – short-ish and curvy. I’m not complaining, Martha Higareda is hot as peppers and she is a very good actress, but in a futuristic world, where you have a planet colonized by a combination of Slavic and Japanese people, and the main character is named Takeshi Kovacs, it would not have been a long stretch to have an Ortega that looked less Latino. A, and there’s no evil sister and Quell is not that important so far.

I did the same for Game of Thrones, corrected the characters, scenery and the story with details provided in the books. It’s a fascinating process really and I think that it enriches the experience of reading a book a lot.

But the main idea here is that stories need an end. I hate things that are left just … hanging. Well, not hate, hate… more like I am just bothered by them. Because when something does not have a clear end, I find myself from time to time imagining endings and yearning for a confirmation that I will obviously never get. Thank heavens sometimes the books help with this.

So, anybody else has the same problem? How do you deal with it. Let me know in the comments below.  Or keep it to yourself, it’s not like any of us has time for that much conversation, right? :D

Stay safe, stay happy!