When I started my new job I joined a few IT official channels, one from Dublin and one from New Zealand. I must confess I cannot keep up with all the produced content, but sometimes there are memes and discussions that attract my attention. On Friday on the Dublin channel the topic of aphantasia kept the members quite occupied. If you do not know what aphantasia is, you might want to read this entry. It is exactly what you think it is, the lack of fantasy. Reading Blake Ross’ entry I realized I have no idea what it means to lack fantasy. He says in that entry he cannot see pictures in his mind, and this baffles me, because pictures and movies is all I see. I cannot imagine how it is not to do so. Let me tell you how my brain works.
I think I owe my imagination to my mom. I do not remember my dad spending too much time with me, but my mom is the one that taught me how to read to keep me busy and to allow her time to read. And because I was a child and it was difficult for me to just read without the reality of the events and characters I read about, I started being creative. Really creative.
When I read a book, I make up a movie in my mind. I’ve been doing this since my mother taught me to read when I was four. Back then, in all my fairy tales, I was always the central character, people I did not like were the villains, and friends and family, naturally were the friends and family of the character. As I grew older I started getting very creative with my movies. I’ve “seen” the whole Game of Thrones movie after the first season, because I read the books. That first season did help me put faces to most of the characters though. The same happened with Hunger Games and Divergent.
50 Shades of Grey, well… I did that from scratch, because the movie was not out yet. The main female character looked a lot like Jessica Alba and the male character looked a lot like Jonathan Brandis, an older version of him, anyway.
Actually, the problem I have is the opposite of the one described by Blake Ross. I slip way too easy into fantasyland. I make too much use of it. I have trouble sometimes staying in the present and seeing what is in front of me because my mind just wanders off and creates its own things. My past is a dramatised version influenced by a few tragic events. It might sound weird, but sometimes I have doubts about what I remember and what really happened.
And when it comes to dreams… I dream in colour and I dream intricate scenarios, sometimes spanning over decades. Sometimes my dreams involve scenarios so real I wake up in the morning and have difficulties discerning between a dream and a real event. I dreamed I enrolled on another master class after thinking about it for a while in real life. Only in my dream, my job got a little strenuous and I kept skipping classes. So I woke up terrified that I would fail my exams.
When it comes to romantic relationships, being a fantasist is pain in the ass. It’s bad. It’s so bad I stopped dating and I am doing my best to stay away from persons I am attracted to. Because the persons I am attracted to are just a seed for my out-of-control imagination. When I am attracted to somebody, I fall in love with an idealized version of them. Every interaction is perceived through a distorted lens, that amplifies everything. There are so many scenarios I go through, how should I act, where I could meet them accidentally, how our interactions would go, what I could say to flatter them and deepen their affection. Sometimes when I interact with somebody, if the universe is in my favour, everything goes according to one of the scripts I already reviewed. Usually the interactions leaves them feel great about themselves, but for me… it’s just not as magical. I am just happy that it went as planned.
Example: I once told a guy I had a one night stand with that he had an Adonis body. This left him thinking about that night for over two years. He was a beautiful creature, I give him that and my metaphor was not a lie, but he did not have the effect on me that he thought he did.
Also, my first true love had perfect white skin, and he was tall and slender, with square shoulders, strong arms that have held me in my dreams so many times it still feels real.
The problem with loving an idealized version of somebody, is that they will probably never raise up to that ideal standard. And when they make mistakes and disappoint, they taint that image so much it’s … heartbreaking.
My heart was broken so many times and I come to the realization that they did not break it. My own fantasy and expectation for them to meet it did. I know now I did it to myself. They were just human and so different from that polished, sanctified version of them I fell in love with.
When I was younger I used to get lost in my reveries in the middle of classes. As an adult I’ve gotten better of controlling them. They do not affect my work and thank the universe they do not hinder my driving. :)
What is the conclusion of all this? Well, it seems I am very creative and I have a vivid imagination. One day I might have the time to start writing novels, and the world will be richer because of it.
Stay safe, stay happy!
