Jan 04 2019

Is there a country where the health system is not a mess?

Category: English posts,Miscellaneous,PersonalIuliana @ 1:37

…because if there is, and you know which it is, just share the secret with me, because I want to move there. Anyway, this blog entry is a rant against the UK health system, so at this point you might be interested in reading something else while having your coffee.

I mentioned a few entries ago that I have sprained my knee while playing football. Because I was still able to drive and walk I postponed going to a doctor, especially since I just moved to a new country and I did not have a family doctor yet. The knee was swollen for a bit, but then the swelling started going down and I could put my weight on my knee, it did not feel unstable or anything really worrisome, so I just paused all challenging physical activities to give it time to fix itself.

Continue reading “Is there a country where the health system is not a mess?”

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Dec 31 2018

It’s been a good year

Category: Miscellaneous,PersonalIuliana @ 3:54

I started the year with a loner retreat to my favorite spa in Brasov. I continued with a visit to Valea Oltului.

In February I’ve travelled twice to Ramnicu Valcea, to meet some more childhood friends.

Then in march, I went to Edinburgh for my interview and after that I flew to London to celebrate my new job. I baptised my first godson in April, then flew to Stockholm for a few days of relaxation. I then started packing to move to Edinburgh and took a break to fly to Barcelona for my first Spring IO conference. At the end of May I left Romania for Scotland. I think I’ve made the best decision of my life.

In June I participated to my first Codefest, in July I continued enjoying my homelife while decorating the house I rented. In August my dearest childhood friend came visiting and I’ve met the guys from Foil Arms & Hog.  In September I kept enjoying my homelife and Friday evening company boardgames and finished my fourth book. In October I kept walking everywhere in Edinburgh and took amazing pictures. I also went to Glasgow for a Three Days Grace concert. In November, my cousin visited, I met Daniel Sloss and sprained my knee while playing football.  Also, a dear friend from Sibiu visited and I drove him to my favorite places around here. He gifted me a steampunk hat, still not sure where I can wear that.

And December, what could be said about December? I’ve re-visited Annecy(yes with a sprained knee). I’ve won Codefest with a carpool application. I’ve participated to the Christmas eating competition and lost. I’ve spent  Christmas with a very nice male friend. I’ve been to the Christmas market and had cheese fondue in a bun and drank mulled cider. And bought myself a jar of Moonshine. And my cat seems to like the Christmas tree.

Eastern Europe is going back to communism, Trump is president and global warming made Scotland feel hot. But, nevertheless all is well with the world.

Thank you for still reading me, I know I’m not doing such a good job entertaining you lately. I wish you all the best and a Happy New Year!

And my blog is slowly taking over the UK. :D

Stay safe, stay happy!


Dec 23 2018

Your duty is to try

Category: Miscellaneous,PersonalIuliana @ 14:36

As you’ve probably figured out by now, from what you’ve read here, my family is the typical broken family, with people scattered all around the world, all of them trying to detach from their past so they can start new and do better, because if you do not want to get cancer the smartest way is to move farther away from the power plant. Don’t stop reading, this will not be a sad blog entry, I promise!  From time to time members of my family do manage to meet after years of not seeing one another and is fascinating for me to discover the people they have become.

I have a cousin that has become a wonderful strong woman that is hell bent on fixing this family through acceptance and communication.

I have a cousin that is torn between his duty to a small part of family that raised him up and gave him a career and the girl he loves that happens to live in a city  too far away from where his life is build so nicely.

I have an uncle that is learning how to live at fifty four, because more than half of his life he spent taking care of his parents in a place that kept him isolated from the real world. And he is the guy I want to talk about. Because he found a type of wisdom in his simple life and his duties that people rarely do. And I consider myself lucky to know him and to be able  learn from him. He got dealt a bad hand, but he did his best and at some point in my life, I decided he deserves more and I set up to help him live the rest of his life the best way possible. I won’t tell you his full life story, I will just list here a few things that I know about him that are really impressive to me.

He quit smoking after thirty years of this nasty habit. He was stressed by the fact he did not have much money and I guess he was thinking about quitting for a while, but one morning he woke up, burned the rest of cigarettes in the house and decided he won’t smoke from that day on. He just acknowledged that smoking is a toxic and costly habit, that he did could not afford anymore and he quit, just like that. It was not easy to break a habit like that, because he went through rehab alone, not in a specialized center, there were no nicotine patches, no other dugs to soothe him. He was living in the country side so he worked the field, drank a lot of water, went to sleep when he felt sick with headaches or feeling nauseous and in two weeks the nicotine was out of his system and he never smoke again.

He was convinced to leave his job and move to the country side by his parents, well his mother basically, because she was the head of the family. She told him he should move back close to family because there is money to be made in agriculture, that they had land to work that could produce a lot of crop that could be sold, but they were old and needed help. And for some reason he believed it and  gave it a try. And here and there there were little successes. He made enough money to buy a horse – that was a nice and gentle horse by the way, I’ve met him, it was love at first neigh – working the fields became easier for a while. He bought himself a motor bike and he taught himself how to ride it, but never got a license, because he never got too far out of the village on it anyway.

He tried getting married, but after getting his heart broken by his last fiancé, he gave up on the idea altogether. He said that his life is miserable and he had nothing but misery to offer, and who would want that? Years after I found out from another cousin he confides these stuff in, that he was in love when he was younger with somebody that went on and married somebody else and he never got over her. Apparently after he restarted his life, he met her again and she was divorced and they are starting something –  so life finds a way.

When his parents started to get too old and needed care, his life started going down the drain. People in my family judged him for drinking now and then. Because the expectation was for him to become an alcoholic like his father, so if he even got tipsy, the hate would flow. But during one visit I talked to him and told him about my university experience and how I drank to forget, to detach myself from a life I did not like, from the me I did not like. The conclusion was that if alcohol is the curtain we put between us and the part of us we do not like, but it is not the solution. If you don’t like yourself and the life you have you have to stop hiding from it, you have to stay awake and find ways to change it all. And I saw his face lit up. For the first time he was not judged, he was not considered a despicable drunk like his father, somebody saw him exactly as he was, a man in a difficult position, a life that was not satisfying to him and a person he did not like. He had accepted the fact that he won’t have a life of his own until his parents died and he accepted the duty to care for them until that moment. There was no way for him to fight it or run away from the responsibility that he realized he took upon himself when he decided to move back in with them.  So he graciously accepted it and fulfilled that duty the best he could. Sure he drank one too many now and then, but he wasn’t and most probably he will never be an alcoholic.

Last year, February his mother died. His father was long gone. I’ve have visited him before and noticed this guy never smiled and  I realised he was plagued by the family disease of bad teeth. So I offered him the opportunity to get his teeth fixed. Told him to go, ask a doctor for an estimate and the money will be wired into his account. The next time I saw him he had a smile that he could light up a room. You probably have no idea that smiling makes you look at least ten years younger. I did not know it either. Now you know why I look so well for my age. :)

Long story short, he fixed his teeth, and since the whole thing costed half as estimated, with the rest of the money, he got him self a new set of clothes and a ticket to Italy. And the rest is a happy story, how he got a job and he is amazed by how much his work is valued and how beautiful Italy is. He has plans to visit the whole country and take in all the beauty Italy has to offer, but he is putting money aside to pay me back and build a self-sustaining clean energy house one day. And when he came back to Romania on vacation, he asked out the woman he loved, because now he was confident that one day he might have something else to offer than misery.

One of the most important thing I heard him say and got stuck in my head and probably gave me a little nudge here and there to try absurd things, is that as a human being you have the duty to try. Of course at the time he was talking about girls, he was quite young then and hadn’t totally given up the idea.

So no matter how ridiculous is something, how absurd, how unreachable,  if you really want it, it is your duty to try. So if there is something to take from this entry, this is it.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Oct 13 2017

The day everything became clear

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:20

When I started seeing a psychologist, I was looking for healing. My heart was broken and my soul crushed and I wasn’t enjoying life at all. I went there hoping to heal my broken heart, and be able to use it for love again. Because I do not have many fears, but being unable to love again, turning totally cold, forever because of a bad relationship was one of them.

And it turned out I had a lot of repressed feelings – mostly anger – to solve. I did not have a good life, but I never imagined the tool took on me would leave me that broken. I’ve has suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old, but when it turned too difficult to have a normal life because of them a solution had to be found. Because I have spent my life until 32 years old learning a lot of things, except how to live.

I think it has been two years now since I started living. And then I started loving. And for the first time, I realized that my psychologist was right. Because of my upbringing, probably I’ve  never really felt love before. Only need, dependence or just … fear of being alone. When I realized I was in love again, first I got scared. What if I mess it up? What if he doesn’t love me. Turns out I was right at least in one of my fears. He does not love me. And I’ve tried to stop loving him, because what use is a love that is not reciprocated, right?

Well, it has a purpose. Being able to love, makes a person better. It gives you a different view on the world. Loving someone that does not reciprocate gives you the occasion to be close to them without the pressures of a relationship. It gives you the opportunity to be there for them, to see them for who they are and not the hormone bomb people become when in love. It feels nice, because you can definitely see if they are worth your feelings or not.

Oh, and he is worthy! He is one of the best persons I’ve met in a while. He is genuinely good and nice to me, not because he wants “something”. He’s far from perfect and he pisses me off sometimes. But the conversations I have with him are never boring and whenever I need him, he is one click away. And I reciprocate that. And I finally understood what love is. Love is when somebody’s well-being and happiness are a big part of your own. It seemed far-fetched when I grew up. It did not seem possible to love someone romantically and not be with them. Unless they moved to the other end of the world or there were other impediments, that is.

Well, he is on the other end of the world now. And I did my best to help him stay there, because that’s where he is happy.

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Aug 21 2017

The US adventure(part 11): the day of the eclipse

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 21:37

I know these entries do not look like the ones I’ve been been getting you guys used to, but I haven’t written in a literary way for so long and this is just the warm up. Or so I hope. I just need to make a journal of these days, because this is the most awesome vacation I ever had until now.

One of the reasons I say this is because this is the first time I am on a different continent than the one I was born on. Another is that I am all alone here and I haven’t heard spoken Romanian in a week now and it feels isolating. And I love it. I love to dwell in my loneliness and enjoy the freedom given by it. I know this might seem weird, but being alone also means being unattached and there is a feeling of freedom in this that I cannot describe to you. It’s absolute, almost magical. Also, the fact that I am waking up without an alarm and deciding my itinerary every morning it’s really exciting. Sure I do have fixed points for where I have to spend the night, but how I get there it’s matter of quite random choice.

Continue reading “The US adventure(part 11): the day of the eclipse”

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Apr 04 2017

The Default People

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:49

A lot of time I tried to match the pattern of a default life. The first Trainspotting movie told it in a blunt way:

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television.Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning…

 

Of course, the quote is longer and it ends by praising heroin usage. I just kept what fits my post. Most of us that grow in sort-of normal families and are encouraged to follow a development pattern, the same one described in the above quote. Not all parents force you to follow the pattern, but they kinda expect you to and some of them strongly express their disappointment if you fail to follow the pattern. My parents are such creatures, are disappointed in me because I did not follow the pattern. They praised this development pattern so much, that sometimes even I, fall from my passion driven high horse into the muddy waters of disappointment with myself. When this happens I just watch an episode of House, Sherlock or Elementary and then go to sleep. In the morning, the feeling is gone and I get into “planning” a new day mode.

Having a career, job, family, a house with a white fence that you pay monthly for 30 years and parents in law to visit for any holiday is the default mode of this world. It’s nice and it’s comfy. It is expected and it is praised.

I think I’ve always been a glitch. If I look back and analyze my past, a lot of things never made sense. I made unexpected decisions and I always seen the world differently than 99% of my peers. I felt like a misfit for this. I had low self-esteem and went to a psychologist to try to understand what is wrong with me.

I kept expecting frustrations related to me not being able to follow the development pattern to grow proportionally with my age, but as time passes I embrace more and more the anomaly that I am. I learn to appreciate the strong points and make them even stronger. Sure, I will probably never have a mate and never share my genes with the world, but my legacy will be in every developer I train, in every book I write and every person I help grow personally and professionally.

I’m not sure how much my memory will last, but in the end, the entire universe gets born and dies without reason or purpose. We are all dust in the wind, and when I will turn to dust, that is a pattern I will finally be able to match.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jan 07 2017

Music and Sunshine

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:54

In my life I’ve had many nicknames, some of them did not flatter me, but some of them were cute as well. But recently, this meaning about six months ago, somebody gave me another that I ended up loving a lot. He called me sunshine. First I thought he thought of me as his sunshine, which was very flattering, but we cleared that up, which was heartbreaking for me, but oh well, win some, lose some. He said he associated me with sunshine because I was smiling all the time. I don’t think he realized it was because of him. He was oblivious like that, or maybe he was pretending because he had already friend-zoned me. It really does not matter now.

What really matters is that he gave me a nickname that fit me like a glove. And I loved it so much that I decided to do my best to make it representative for me for ever. That’s why the number of my new car includes it.

And every time I hear this song my heart melts and I can’t stop myself from smiling.

Maybe this is because I also love John Mayer a lot. I have no idea when he became my favorite singer. I think I discovered him in the summer of 2010 or so. I don’t remember when I heard him sing first, but I am quite sure the song was “Say what you need to say”.

Every time I listen to this song I think of all the things I needed to say and didn’t and I promise never to make the same mistake again. But probably I will, because exposing my soul through words makes me vulnerable.
And today I discovered this little gem, originally sung by Eric Clapton.

I need to learn how to play guitar to play these songs myself and give a shape to the songs in my head. This will be the year this dream will come true. It must be.