Oct 13 2017

The day everything became clear

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:20

When I started seeing a psychologist, I was looking for healing. My heart was broken and my soul crushed and I wasn’t enjoying life at all. I went there hoping to heal my broken heart, and be able to use it for love again. Because I do not have many fears, but being unable to love again, turning totally cold, forever because of a bad relationship was one of them.

And it turned out I had a lot of repressed feelings – mostly anger – to solve. I did not have a good life, but I never imagined the tool took on me would leave me that broken. I’ve has suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old, but when it turned too difficult to have a normal life because of them a solution had to be found. Because I have spent my life until 32 years old learning a lot of things, except how to live.

I think it has been two years now since I started living. And then I started loving. And for the first time, I realized that my psychologist was right. Because of my upbringing, probably I’ve  never really felt love before. Only need, dependence or just … scared to be alone. When I realized I was in love again, first I got scared. What if I mess it up? What if he doesn’t love me. Turns out I was right at least in one of my fears. He does not love me. And I’ve tried to stop loving him, because what use is a love that is not reciprocated, right?

Well, it has a purpose. Being able to love, makes a person better. It gives you a different view on the world. Loving someone that does not reciprocate gives you the occasion to be close to them without the pressures of a relationship. It gives you the opportunity to be there for them, to see them for who they are and not the hormone bomb people become when in love. It feels nice, because you can definitely see if they are worth your feelings or not.

Oh, and he is worthy! He is one of the best persons I’ve met in a while. He is genuinely good and nice to me, not because he wants “something”. He’s far from perfect and he pisses me off sometimes. But the conversations I have with him are never boring and whenever I need him, he is one click away. And I reciprocate that. And I finally understood what love is. Love is when somebody’s well-being and happiness are a big part of your own. It seemed far-fetched when I grew up. It did not seem possible to love someone romantically and not be with them. Unless they moved to the other end of the world or there were other impediments, that is.

Well, he is on the other end of the world now. And I did my best to help him stay there, because that’s where he is happy.

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Aug 21 2017

The US adventure(part 11): the day of the eclipse

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 21:37

I know these entries do not look like the ones I’ve been been getting you guys used to, but I haven’t written in a literary way for so long and this is just the warm up. Or so I hope. I just need to make a journal of these days, because this is the most awesome vacation I ever had until now.

One of the reasons I say this is because this is the first time I am on a different continent than the one I was born on. Another is that I am all alone here and I haven’t heard spoken Romanian in a week now and it feels isolating. And I love it. I love to dwell in my loneliness and enjoy the freedom given by it. I know this might seem weird, but being alone also means being unattached and there is a feeling of freedom in this that I cannot describe to you. It’s absolute, almost magical. Also, the fact that I am waking up without an alarm and deciding my itinerary every morning it’s really exciting. Sure I do have fixed points for where I have to spend the night, but how I get there it’s matter of quite random choice.

Continue reading “The US adventure(part 11): the day of the eclipse”

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Apr 04 2017

The Default People

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:49

A lot of time I tried to match the pattern of a default life. The first Trainspotting movie told it in a blunt way:

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television.Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning…

 

Of course, the quote is longer and it ends by praising heroin usage. I just kept what fits my post. Most of us that grow in sort-of normal families and are encouraged to follow a development pattern, the same one described in the above quote. Not all parents force you to follow the pattern, but they kinda expect you to and some of them strongly express their disappointment if you fail to follow the pattern. My parents are such creatures, are disappointed in me because I did not follow the pattern. They praised this development pattern so much, that sometimes even I, fall from my passion driven high horse into the muddy waters of disappointment with myself. When this happens I just watch an episode of House, Sherlock or Elementary and then go to sleep. In the morning, the feeling is gone and I get into “planning” a new day mode.

Having a career, job, family, a house with a white fence that you pay monthly for 30 years and parents in law to visit for any holiday is the default mode of this world. It’s nice and it’s comfy. It is expected and it is praised.

I think I’ve always been a glitch. If I look back and analyze my past, a lot of things never made sense. I made unexpected decisions and I always seen the world differently than 99% of my peers. I felt like a misfit for this. I had low self-esteem and went to a psychologist to try to understand what is wrong with me.

I kept expecting frustrations related to me not being able to follow the development pattern to grow proportionally with my age, but as time passes I embrace more and more the anomaly that I am. I learn to appreciate the strong points and make them even stronger. Sure, I will probably never have a mate and never share my genes with the world, but my legacy will be in every developer I train, in every book I write and every person I help grow personally and professionally.

I’m not sure how much my memory will last, but in the end, the entire universe gets born and dies without reason or purpose. We are all dust in the wind, and when I will turn to dust, that is a pattern I will finally be able to match.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jan 07 2017

Music and Sunshine

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:54

In my life I’ve had many nicknames, some of them did not flatter me, but some of them were cute as well. But recently, this meaning about six months ago, somebody gave me another that I ended up loving a lot. He called me sunshine. First I thought he thought of me as his sunshine, which was very flattering, but we cleared that up, which was heartbreaking for me, but oh well, win some, lose some. He said he associated me with sunshine because I was smiling all the time. I don’t think he realized it was because of him. He was oblivious like that, or maybe he was pretending because he had already friend-zoned me. It really does not matter now.

What really matters is that he gave me a nickname that fit me like a glove. And I loved it so much that I decided to do my best to make it representative for me for ever. That’s why the number of my new car includes it.

And every time I hear this song my heart melts and I can’t stop myself from smiling.

Maybe this is because I also love John Mayer a lot. I have no idea when he became my favorite singer. I think I discovered him in the summer of 2010 or so. I don’t remember when I heard him sing first, but I am quite sure the song was “Say what you need to say”.

Every time I listen to this song I think of all the things I needed to say and didn’t and I promise never to make the same mistake again. But probably I will, because exposing my soul through words makes me vulnerable.
And today I discovered this little gem, originally sung by Eric Clapton.

I need to learn how to play guitar to play these songs myself and give a shape to the songs in my head. This will be the year this dream will come true. It must be.


Jan 02 2017

Tinder adventures

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 20:58

This post was here before in a different format and it generated so much hate I had to hide it for a while until I made a decision about its new shape that maybe will be better than the original one.

I occasionally use Tinder. Chastise me if you wish, but I live in a small city, I have a peculiar character, my group of friends and acquaintances does not contain any eligible bachelors  and my hobbies are mostly solitary, thus I have really limited occasions to meet new people. Tinder is but a way to initiate a first contact with someone safely and analyze the person before I decide if I want to meet him in person. (Yeah, apparently no matter how much it pisses me off, I am definitely hetero.) The first interaction based on Tinder is online which is quite nice. Behind a device  and talking with somebody that they might never meet, people tend to be really honest or a least act as the version of them they want to be and this is the best version of them, otherwise … they won’t be getting any. All the guys I met on Tinder and decided to meet in real life up until now were quite nice. Some of them turned out to be weird in a way that was incompatible with my weirdness, but decent guys nonetheless. But there is an issue I would like to address.

Grammar: when you flirt in writing, you’d better know your grammar. I do not know what type of women can be found on Tinder usually, but I am an educated woman with a career, peculiar character and little time on my hands. I am unfortunately smart, so I need mental and physical stimulation to be turned on. So if you make grammar mistakes like using your instead of you’re when you mean you are, believe me, you have blown your chance to ever meet me. The only time when mistakes are allowed is when the language in which you chose to communicate is not your native one. You can imagine how fun is online flirting in Romanian, because Romanian is not an easy language. For me it’s gotten so bad that I just can’t exchange written messages with Romanian guys. It’s such a turn off that I basically given up using Tinder in my country, unless the guy is a tourist.

First I thought this is something temporary, and that I could get used to it, I mean … it was quite clear what they meant. But the last two guys that I was interested in, were like this: one was a guy that got his speaking and writing start in German and has an excellent English knowledge and a sweet Polish guy I met this week in Vienna.

So yeah, I have a big problem. If I want to settle in this small mountain city and make a life here, I will probably have to accept the fact that I will be a loner. Or meet someone in my numerous travels and hope they will love me and this city so much that they will decide to move here, or that I will love him so much that I will decide to give up my small mountain city.

I have no idea what my future will be like, but I can only hope it will be good. I will try my best to make it so, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it does not depend only on me.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jan 01 2017

Iuliana’s log, stardate 13301.11

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:58

I must confess I kinda cheated. I started one of my planned activities for this year already. This year I will more spare time, than I had starting with 2001 and I intend to use it wisely. I intent to continue growing emotionally and intellectually, try to be the best version of myself so far. This means I have to develop some healthy habits. It’s not like I did so bad until now and I have a list of new year resolutions. I do not believe in that “New year, new me stuff”, it has never worked so far, and it won’t now. I am not that disciplined, so I can’t make decisions over night and stick to them, I can just take baby steps.

So I decided that this year I should run more, thus I started on the 31st of January 2016 with a short run of 3Km at -4 degrees Celsius. I did the same thing today and I intend do this for the following 28 days, because that is how long it takes to grow a habit.

I am in a point in my life where the fight for survival is won, and so is the fight for a career, thus it is about time for me to settle down. The hunting for a home was also started last year as well, because the sooner the better. I think this activity will be quite challenging and it will be quite interesting since I have a friend that is an architect and knows exactly what questions to ask to make sure I get the best place.

I crossed into the new year cuddled with my cat, under my soft blanked in my own bed, while all my friends on Facebook posted pictures from the parties they were at. Last year I was at a party too with a group of very good friends, I was so glad to be with them that I never thought about posting pictures on Facebook. It’s a sad world we are living in, when how we appreciate any personal experience depends on how much others appreciate it. I might be old school or I might be selfish, but a lot of my personal experiences I’d rather not share but with the persons that I experience them with.

I entered the new year wishing all my friends and family a good new year, better than the previous one, not as good as the one after it.

The year 2016 ended with some new experiences. I have visited a very good friend from college and met his 3 years old daughter. The kid was amazing, as the other 2-5 years old kids of my friends. I think my generation is compensating a lot for the mistakes of its parents and I think the result will be incredible. It almost make me sad when I think I might not get the chance to have my own kid, but I will get involved as much as I can in the life of these kids. I’ll be the fun aunt that teaches them cool stuff and educates them without them even realizing it. I’ll contribute to this generation as much as I can. I also visited my family and although I managed to stay in the same room with them and chat for about 4 hours, it does not mean I will be repeating this soon. They think I might though and they already started calling me for any insignificant thing, especially to remind me to go to church on Sundays.:| My mom is in denial, she does not believe that my belief in God died fifteen years ago and that I haven’t entered a church since then.
And since I am talking about family, I had the honor to spend a few hours with a branch of my family that I have not seen since I left for college. I suspect that these people are the ones that my family borrowed money from, to support me during the faculty for a while, so I took advantage of my visit to thank them. I also had to occasion to meet a young man, that is a relative through alliance. I haven’t seen this guy in fifteen years as well, and I barely remember him as a boy. He is a man now, tall, slender and quite good looking. He’s just another one of those guys the universe seems to parade in front of me, to let me know that there still are good looking and nice men in this world, but not meant for me for one reason or another. It’s getting quite funny really, it’s like I’m just strolling through an art museum and not being allowed to touch the exhibits. :))

This year I will switch from being a technical author to a technical reviewer. I decided to take this opportunity, because I am not ready to have only one job and because I am not ready to leave the editorial world yet.

And this is the first entry of 2017, I know it’s not the best, but I will get better as soon as interesting things start happening to me. I won’t disappoint, promise. ;)


Dec 24 2016

Happy Holidays !!!

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 17:24

I am currently in what I might as well call my home-town, because all my best friends are here and so far I’ve lived here the longest. I left for Iasi on Thursday evening, so that on Friday I could take care of some bureaucracy of my accident. The solution apparently was easier than I thought, a document was made to transfer all the procedures to Sibiu. Those guys from over there will love me.

I will be spending the whole Christmas period with most of my friends here. I really hope I will have the time to drink a beer with each of them. I already started last night with two bottles of wine with a really awesome woman that I am proud to call my friend. When I won’t be drinking or partying, I will be playing with the child of my best friends, a little daredevil girl with a lot of energy and a lot of of smarts on her. I am happy to see her grow and become more and more ware of the world around her. She managed to block my iPhone yesterday and learned to use the Mac to search for images and YouTube clips with Pocoyo. And I showed her a few karate tricks. I think in a few years we might be training together. :D

It is quite warm in Iasi, there is not a lot of snow and there is a lot of fog. The grass on the hill visible from my friends’ apartment is a dark and sad green, but inside the apartment, there is a joyful atmosphere with the little kid laughing from time to time and the American jolly carols playing in the background.

But enough about me. This post is about you, my dear friends. I am very thankful that a lot of my friendships survived this year, even if there is a lot of physical distance between me and a lot of my friends. It seems that we are all good adults with the same set of values and our friendship grows strong in spite of the physical distance between us. I am very thankful for new friends as well and may our friendships grow as strong and as beautiful as my older ones. I wish you all Very Merry Christmas to you and your families, may you all be happy and healthy and have the best time during the Holiday. This will probably be my last entry for the year, so I also wish you a Happy New Year!

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Happy Holidays!