Iuliana Cosmina

Out of sight, out of mind

Facebook and all other innovative means of communication make it impossible to forget somebody and let wounds heal. Because they are never out of sight. I scroll my FB messenger for a friend and see the window with the last conversation we had. And I can’t stop to go over it, just to remind myself that it really ended and how it ended, to remind myself that I should probably never talk to him again. Unless he says something first, that is. I still have him as a Facebook friend, I wanted to be mature and prove myself I could do this, keep a way of contacting him and rely on my determination to not actually do it.

The sad thing is that I though I was infatuated, I thought I liked him so much because I was lonely for so long that I totally got stuck on the first person that showed me some attention. I really hoped by not seeing him in person and not talking to him would make my mind stop thinking about him. I really thought what I felt was not real and that it will pass.

But he was not the only one that showed me attention, not really, there were others. I just brushed them off because I did not have the time. Except for him, for him… I made time. Now that I have more time on my hands, I started going out, meeting new people. He was really obvious in his interest and at the same time shy and contained. And shyness attracts me, because I am shy as well, actually I can only stop being shy with somebody shyer than me. Stupid, right?. And he was talking so freely, about anything. And I guess I reacted and opened up to him as well. I’ve talked about things I did not talk in years: about God, about love, about parallel universes, Sailor Moon, cars and dreams.  Of course he sparked my interest and of course he keept it. He is something peculiar, I told him that too. Every person that tried to spark my interest after him seemed shallow, plain and boring. And I just can’t open up with any of them as I did with him. I guess I opened the gate to my mind wide open for him to enter and apparently he never left. He is blocking the fucking gate! I can’t close it fully and nobody else can enter either.

I remember the first day I saw him. I lied to him and told him I did not remember, because I did not want him to think me weird, or obsessed. That day in the elevator, I did notice him, I did look at him and thought to myself: “He will be a wonderful man one day.” I said it with sadness, because the man that he will be was not meant for me.  And I put him out of my mind, because there was no point to think about a boy I noticed in the elevator and that I would have probably never talk to again.

But he made sure that failed, and we talked again. And I fell in love with his sexy and peculiar mind, with his playful eyes, with the inflections in his voice and with the way his skin felt on mine. And I fell in love with the way I felt when I was close to him, funny, strong and secure, like I could do anything with him by my side. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can do anything I set my mind to alone as well, but there is this mesmerizing feeling in being part of a team. Because with a partner you can stand back to back and be able to repel attacks from all sides while being in control. When I’m alone I have to move a lot, switch sides all the time. With a partner I trust, I can focus better, I can be sure of having things under control.

I am still thinking of him, haven’t learned how to stop yet. I do not want to, but I can’t stop my mind from wondering when my fingers caress my phone over that last conversation when we both agreed it was not worth it. Why the fuck did we say that? Because, we both know neither one of us believes it.

And all this post started with the idiom in the title that Duolingo asked me to translate. Damn you Duolingo…

Stay safe, stay happy!

18th October 2010 is the year when I created my Facebook account. I do not really remember why I did it or what I needed it for. No idea why this morning I had the urge to look up this information, maybe because I’m thinking of giving up Facebook again.  But looking at the entries I noticed some things.

In 4 November 2010 I wrote on Facebook that I would love to go to a Mutemath concert. This happened on the 1st of February 2016.
On 21 December 2011 I wrote this:

“That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club and several other novels.

Looking back at this, I think I got it. I am happy, not all the time, but about 80% of the time. Looking back at me life, and then in the mirror, to the person I have finally learned how to love, I realized something: 10% of the time I’m rain, 80% I’m sunshine and 10% I’m a fucking solar flare. My life is not perfect, I can’t get everything I want, and what I want and get seems not to be what I need. But overall I am fine. I’m still alive, still able to love, so there’s that. I am not completely happy, but my life is good. I never had anyone to exact revenge on though.

This is that time of the year, when I start reconsidering where my life is going. I had moments when I thought I had a plan, and had it all figured out. But these are just moments that end way too fast. I’m an adult. Sort of. I know what I want, sort of. I’m told I am fun and my laughter is contagious. I have moments when I get fed up with other people’s bullshit and snap. This happens once a year. I am really sorry for people caught in the crossfire. But life is not fair, we do not get what we want, and people hurt us for no reason, as we hurt others without intending or knowing.

No idea where I will be next year around this time. No idea if I’ll be happy, or sad, or mad, or melancholic. But I hope I am still alive and well and able to write about it. In this ever changing world this is the best I can hope for.

And love? Well… love is just around the corner. Too bad the world is round.

Stay safe, stay happy!

You used to make me shine with just your smile
You used to hold me in your arms and sleep
I never dared to ask you to be mine
Although you made my days and nights so sweet.

I probably just asked to let me love you,
Although I don’t remember just quite when,
And now when all the pages turned so skew,
It simply does not suffice being your friend.

I used to look at you and hug you in my mind
And try to memorize each detail of your face
Now here I am, a ghost you left behind
Without a purpose, wasting time and space.

You used to call me sunshine, I used to call you love
You used to break my heart without a care
Now you are little but somebody I talk of
From time to time, when I have breath to spare.

I used to extol your style and thinking
Blown away by the hurricane residing in your mind
I used to listen to your heart while beating
While talking about all the things you left behind.

My love, now I am but one of those things
That momentarily have captured your attention
I tried to hide into your heart that sings
A song of sorrow and profound dissension.

I told you this is what I do, I use the words
I make them into weapons or turn them into band-aids
To fight the pain of being left at crossroads
Of love and friendship and all the other shades.

I don’t know how to stop thinking of you,
But darling, so eager am I to learn.
Because as much as my love was true,
As much to see it gone, I yearn.

You’ll never know what could have been,
This I find inconceivable to forgive
Love is a habit, it grows from green
To ripe purple red, when given chance to live.
———————–
Phoenix, 11 November 2016

© 2016 Seaqxx All rights reserved. Do not use without asking first!

• Trump is president. Is this bad or is this good? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. The fact that Trump won, is not surprising actually. It is really, just human nature. You know as a woman when you pass a certain age, everybody tells you to lower your standards in men so you won’t die alone. This is what US did, it had  no other valid choice, so it lowered its standards and chose a candidate that was real and true. He made some crazy affirmations, but he just brushed it off like all of us when we say crazy things. And this is how he won the votes. By being as freakishly normal, confuse and crazy like any of us would be in a situation like that.  Hillary is a woman and all throughout her campaign, she was focused, prepared, always rational, always… on point. Although we assume gender equality, women that come in too strong are freaky. By being a superwoman, Hillary lost, because she put too much distance between her and people that were supposed to vote her. People do not like to feel inferior, because they might admire you, but they know you cannot see things from their point of view.  Although Trump is a bankrupt billionaire, apparently he managed to give US the illusion of “man of the people”.  Or maybe the fact that even his own party did not support him, shows that US dislikes the political class so much, that they voted just to spite them.
• I love the Ally McBeal series. Except the last one, the last one was kinda crappy. Next year there will be 20 years since this series was released. Ally McBeal was the first series that tackled down the man-woman equal rights issues. The firm has a unisex toilet, just to make it obvious that we are all equal, we all have the same rights, we are all humans and there is nothing we should be ashamed about. In season 4, Robert Downey Jr. played the role of Ally’s love interest. He was a beautiful man with a good soul and a broken heart.  She listens to him singing “River” and realizes  they have no future together. Today I felt the need to listen to this song. Today is the day when my mind won over my heart, when my survival instinct took over and I gave up on any interaction with the man I love. Because if feelings are not reciprocated, every interaction feels better sweet and sad. I must be a bad person, because this wonderful person wanted to be friends and I was unable to. But I need to protect myself. My heart is sort of broken, feelings do not just disappear just because you realized their futility, but removing the stress of interacting with him has gave me back some of  my tranquillity. So, having a broken heart is not so bad at the moment. Now at least I know the state it is in, instead of feeling like being trapped in a Schrodinger experiment.
• The aftermath of the crash is … well… except for the bureaucracy, everything is cool.
• I saw Rpx and his wife today. They grew up into wonderful people. Looking at them I realize there is so much more I need to do in this life.
• I replaced my manager for two weeks. I do not alike management. I thought after all this years, the technical passion will fade away and I’ll just become unable to understand new technologies. But no, I love being a software techie. Management, I do it because I have to. And I do it well because I approach issues in a practical manner. I just told two of my team members, that their priority should be making the client happy, and then settling their differences. I actually told them, release the patch, than just go to a kickboxing gym and get it all out. :D
•  I will probably invent a new data-structure to compress XBRL data for optimized memory storage. If I’m allowed to give you details, you my techie readers will love this. :D
• I am now alone between the four walls of my rented apartment, enjoying a glass of wine, quite a big glass actually, but tomorrow I will have to make another serious decision about my life, so I’m allowed to get tipsy on the inside of my house, ok?
• My X-Files T-Shirts might have been lost in the mail. Fuck you “Posta Romana” and every fucking external courier that works with you. Yes, I mean you DHL, you just fucking lost me 54 euros and I hate you!!!
• So, a friend of mine, told me I was sexier next to the man I love, because I was acting more like a woman, next to him. Well, he got his buddy back, because the catalyst for my femininity is out of my life.
• Probably I’m already tipsy and this post will take a weird turn. I am seriously considering paying the team that creates “The Simpsons” to write an episode in which David Duchovny marries me, because apparently their stories turn into predictions more precise than Nostradamus’.
• Still about Simpsons… Hillary Clinton should change her name to Lisa Simpson and run for president in 2020.
• 10% of the time I am sad, bitter, sour. 80% I’m a fragile ray of sunshine. 10% I’m a fucking solar flare. This is me and I am owning it.

Stay safe, stay happy!

There is a movie named “All Good Things“. As you read the title of this post you probably continued in your mind “… come to an end”. Because this is what happens in the real world and we all know it. All good things come to an end sooner or later. Life is a never ending succession of ends and beginnings. This is the way it should be, because we cannot appreciate good things without the contrast with bad things.

A while ago I started something and it was good while it lasted. It was really good. But the context was unfriendly and it was so obvious everything will be short-lived that my whole being hurt just trying to think about it. So I forced myself to stop thinking about it to be able to enjoy it at least for a little while. But my survival instinct was stronger and dark thoughts started clouding my mind and poisoning this beautiful story being written and turning it into a toxic drama. So I had to stop ignoring the signs. I had to put  an end to this story and make sure at least some beautiful memories will remain. I tried, my love, I really did try to make it last longer. I tried to keep something alive. But the time we met was unfortunate, we were out of sync and loving you was hurting me.

I had to be selfish and ensure space and time away from you. The chemistry that brought us close was consuming me. I recognized the signs. It hurt to stop seeing you. It hurt acknowledging that we made no sense and that it was not worth the struggle to keep you close. It hurt like hell and it still hurts sometimes. I miss your smile, I miss your voice and I miss … everything about you. But I do not miss being close to you and feeling you miles away. I do not miss loving you and knowing you could never love me.

You are now a dream I was never meant to dream, the sun I was never supposed to get close to. All good things come to an end, my love, but at least some of them became treasured memories.

It is easy when life puts us down to forget our true value. At least it is really easy for me to spiral down into self loathing, feeling sorry for myself and feeling worthless. Because when you have a past that is full of such feelings is easy to drown into them because they are familiar. They are bad for me, they are truly toxic, but they are familiar. And this is the trap I fall into every time.

I’m seeing a psychologist to learn to control my emotions, to dose them and avoid falling too deep into sadness or lose myself in excitement when good things happen. But psychologists have the tendency of being really gentle. And I do not function that way. Sometimes I need raw truth, involving brute words and harsh affirmations.

I am a bad-ass. I left home when I was 18 years old with the thought to never return again. I almost failed a few times. But I did not. I left the city I grew up in, where I was known and respected in my profession, to come to city where I am nobody and I am alone. But here I am, two years later. Still alone, but building an international carrier and name for myself, from this small city hidden away in the mountains.

There were things that I wanted and I got them. There were things that I needed and I got them. I’ve had some help here and there, but with work and sweat, here I am. I had dreams, but never actually think I could make them true. But here I am, cutting out every year a few items from my TODO list. I really hope I won’t die before cutting them all.

I am a bad-ass. Maybe compared to other bad asses, I am small one. But still a bad ass human  and I hope I continue to be so. I will sure do my best to.

A few days ago I had a chat with a friend and I was trying to explain him how I view and feel some things. And I realized I can’t, because even if humans are anatomically not that different, the way we feel and view things is never the same. I mean whoever you are, you surely do not see the red on blog header the same way I do. It is the same about feelings, we feel in different ways, maybe we give them the same definition, but the intensity and the importance of what we feel is different.

I can’t live without a car. I feel scared, frustrated and have no interest of doing anything. I’m sure it is not what you would call normal, I’m sure you could label me crazy, but I just can’t. I finish work and have to go home and feel like crying. I wake up in the morning, get into a dirty cab and feel like crying. I need to move shit around and takes effort. I am losing my focus.

I have to take care of the aftermath of crashing the previous car and it would be so much easier if I had a car.

I need a car. I don’t have family close, I don’t have a man in my life, I have nobody to protect me when I’m out of my house. I feel alone. Cat-calling terrifies me. I know it makes no sense, especially since I take karate lessons. But I know how I feel.

I feel trapped. I feel useless and slow. I feel unable to do anything. I feel powerless. I don’t feel the urge to do anything. I am reluctant to leave my house.

Because I am used to do things on my own. Now I have to ask for help. I have to ask favors. And I can’t, because it has always been me, alone. There was nobody there in the past helping me, I don’t think anybody has the time to do so now. Asking is also a problem: I have to ask. I have to bother people and I do not want to bother anyone. I do not want to be anybody’s burden. Because nobody owes me anything.

No idea how to explain this better. So here it goes: all my life I’ve been trapped, powerless and alone. Rarely all three together. But this is what I’m going through now and it feels soo uncomfortable it hurts.

And obviously there are those that try to help by telling me what to do. But they are not me, they have no idea how I feel. Becasue they are not me. I’m trying to appreciate all the help and advice, but sometimes it just makes me feel like I’m so fragile and so powerless that I want to hide away from everybody.

So I’m sorry if I seem mean these days, I’m sorry if I just have the tendency to isolate myself. I’m just feeling down, and powerless, and alone, and trapped and sometimes even scared. I’m sorry for being such a wuss, ok?  I’m sorry for being so bad at managing this at my age. So just give me time, ok? All I need is time and some silence about the subject from you. Because my mind is pretty loud right now.

Stay safe, stay happy!