Facebook and all other innovative means of communication make it impossible to forget somebody and let wounds heal. Because they are never out of sight. I scroll my FB messenger for a friend and see the window with the last conversation we had. And I can’t stop to go over it, just to remind myself that it really ended and how it ended, to remind myself that I should probably never talk to him again. Unless he says something first, that is. I still have him as a Facebook friend, I wanted to be mature and prove myself I could do this, keep a way of contacting him and rely on my determination to not actually do it.
The sad thing is that I though I was infatuated, I thought I liked him so much because I was lonely for so long that I totally got stuck on the first person that showed me some attention. I really hoped by not seeing him in person and not talking to him would make my mind stop thinking about him. I really thought what I felt was not real and that it will pass.
But he was not the only one that showed me attention, not really, there were others. I just brushed them off because I did not have the time. Except for him, for him… I made time. Now that I have more time on my hands, I started going out, meeting new people. He was really obvious in his interest and at the same time shy and contained. And shyness attracts me, because I am shy as well, actually I can only stop being shy with somebody shyer than me. Stupid, right?. And he was talking so freely, about anything. And I guess I reacted and opened up to him as well. I’ve talked about things I did not talk in years: about God, about love, about parallel universes, Sailor Moon, cars and dreams. Of course he sparked my interest and of course he keept it. He is something peculiar, I told him that too. Every person that tried to spark my interest after him seemed shallow, plain and boring. And I just can’t open up with any of them as I did with him. I guess I opened the gate to my mind wide open for him to enter and apparently he never left. He is blocking the fucking gate! I can’t close it fully and nobody else can enter either.
I remember the first day I saw him. I lied to him and told him I did not remember, because I did not want him to think me weird, or obsessed. That day in the elevator, I did notice him, I did look at him and thought to myself: “He will be a wonderful man one day.” I said it with sadness, because the man that he will be was not meant for me. And I put him out of my mind, because there was no point to think about a boy I noticed in the elevator and that I would have probably never talk to again.
But he made sure that failed, and we talked again. And I fell in love with his sexy and peculiar mind, with his playful eyes, with the inflections in his voice and with the way his skin felt on mine. And I fell in love with the way I felt when I was close to him, funny, strong and secure, like I could do anything with him by my side. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can do anything I set my mind to alone as well, but there is this mesmerizing feeling in being part of a team. Because with a partner you can stand back to back and be able to repel attacks from all sides while being in control. When I’m alone I have to move a lot, switch sides all the time. With a partner I trust, I can focus better, I can be sure of having things under control.
I am still thinking of him, haven’t learned how to stop yet. I do not want to, but I can’t stop my mind from wondering when my fingers caress my phone over that last conversation when we both agreed it was not worth it. Why the fuck did we say that? Because, we both know neither one of us believes it.
And all this post started with the idiom in the title that Duolingo asked me to translate. Damn you Duolingo…
Stay safe, stay happy!