Iuliana Cosmina

I am over 30 years old. I have a lot of friends that did not find “the one”, just like me. Their families are sad for them and try to set them up with family friends or new colleagues, not even considering that maybe, just maybe they are happier alone.

Talking with somebody a few days ago, I realized that the most unhappiest times of my life happened when I was in a relationship. I had the most low self esteem when somebody else did not like me, or treated me badly and I tried to find faults in my self to justify their behavior. Because they loved me, so if they treated me badly, it must have been something I did wrong, or something I said that made them punish me, right? Yes, communication was the problem, obviously, but you live and you learn.So if you are wondering why am I not so eager to give somebody that much power over me, now you have the answer.

People are so focused on finding someone, falling in love, just being with someone, that they do not consider how to stay in love, how to stay with that someone. Because, make no mistake, falling in love is easy. All it takes is some chemistry and some jokes and nice smiles. And there you are. But staying in love, still finding things to love about a person after they have become so familiar that you don’t mind smelling their farts anymore, that’s a challenge. But this post is not about how to fall in love and stay like that. I am not the person to write about this, after all. Because in love and relationships is not like in a professional carreer, being in love many times and being in a relationship many times, does not make you an expert in these two. Having experience when it comes to love and relationships, does not make you an expert, on the contrary it makes you a failure.

This post is about how we love people that do not reciprocate and how this links us in a suckers for pain chain. I met a while ago a guy that I fell in love with. He has been hurt by somebody he loved very much and if I’m right, some leftover feelings for the lover before me, prohibited whatever could have been between us. I still think about him, although I haven’t seen him for a while. Meanwhile, there is one or two guys having me in their thoughts, but I can’t brin g myself to think about them while my thoughts are flying to somebody else.

There is a Romanian song about the suckers for pain chain, the lyrics go like this: “She still loves me, like I love you, and like you love him/ She does not know, that you no longer know nothing of me/ She thinks everything is the same”.

Why do we do this? Why the lovers we are not meant to be with, inspire in us such lust, such yearning that there is nothing left for the lovers truly deserving our attention? Are we really just suckers for pain? Why is that? Temptation of the forbidden fruit? We all love a challenge so much? Or is it easier to cry for somebody not meant for us, than trying something with somebody that could actually stay? Are we all cowards?

In the last episode of John Oliver’s “Last Week tonight”, a lot of people were asked to say why 2016 was a bad year. And a lot of them mentioned Brexit and Trump becoming president.

Up until last night I had the same impression, that 2016 was a sucky year for me. After all, I crashed my car and fell in love with somebody that did not reciprocate. But last night looking at this beautiful woman on stage and listening to her words about love and power and everything that’s good an pure in this world, I managed to change my mind. 2016 was a great year. Sure I had about four unhappy events and one of them affected my finances seriously. But other than that, I am healthy, I am strong and I have great friends. What more could I want from life? Love? I already have it, if I add up all the love my friends feel for me and all I the love I feel for them it amounts to the exact quantity of love I need to be happy.

And obviously now, here’s the reasons 2016 was a great year. (and the fun part is that it hasn’t ended yet)

• Although my schedule was so full because of the book, I got to see my friends form The Netherlands this year too.
• I went to the first open source conference: Fosdem.
• I was promoted to Software Architect, two years later than I estimated after finishing the faculty, but still good nonetheless. :D
• I started doing karate.
• I moved my blog to iuliana-cosmina.com, there is no way around it now, my online persona ad the real one are truly connected now.
• I made a great friend in the weirdest place, in the past of my ex-boyfriend. :D
• I finally found the perfect amplifier for me:Marshall  Acton
• I met my favorite actor and now author and singer, David Duchovny.
• I went bungee jumping.
• I fell in love and had some beautiful moments with my love interest. Why is this so awesome? Because I thought this would never happen to me again. I mean, I considered myself to old for romance and flirting. I never though I’ll get to feel platonic love again.
• I managed to revisit Dublin and had the honor of visiting Scotland(that I fell in love with) with two people I can now call friends.
• I got my third tattoo. You’ll get to see a pic.. someday.
• I got to listen to Akua Naru sing live. It was dreamy, mesmerizing, hypnotizing, magical. She truly is a black magic woman. Also my brains had its occasion to show off its farts again. When I meet someone I admire, my brains defaults to stupid mode. Last night I met a complex artist, a poet a singer and an activist for women’s and for black people rights: Akua Naru. I met her after her concert and she was so nice and she knows a few Romanian words. All I could say to her was that she was amazing. Why say to her that I love her powerful and smart lyrics that perfectly combine with the soul healing music she’s making? Why tell her all that, when you can just say “you’re amazing” like you are a stuck vinyl on pickup machine? Sometime I think my brains is sabotaging my social skills just for fun of it. As for the concert… I cannot describe that to you. The concert hall was designed to make Jazz sound great. I loved every minute of it.
• I’m getting a new wonderful car, that I chose and configured.
• I also spent one week in Vienna.(actually I am still here now)
• My second book is getting published.

Probably I’ll have to go over this again and add some more, because there are still a few days in this year and who knows what wonderful things can happen?

As for the bad things? Some teeth problems, my heart almost got broken (the key word here is “almost”) and I had a freak accident that left me without a car. But, all is well that ends well.

Why this post now, when the year is not over yet? Because I have a good day and because I feel blessed and thankful. Moving to Sibiu was the best decision I made so far. I made some great friends. I did things that I wanted to do for a lot of time and things that I had no idea I wanted to do. My memory board is getting filled with anchors for those memories. This blog is getting populated again and I might say popular. Life is good. All is well with the world.

Stay safe, stay happy!

This week I am working from Vienna. Why? Because I can.

Facts are as follows: I wanted to go to an Akua Naru concert. The concert is on Tuesday 22 November. I am out of vacation days and also Vienna is amazing, so I got to thinking. What if I go there and work from that office? Because the company I work for has an office there. A quite nice office actually, in the bloody city center at almost the last floor of a cool office building. Because that’s how this company rolls.

So plane tickets were easy to find. Accommodation? Airbnb of course. Not the best conditions, but not the worst either. It is acceptable for 21 euro per night. Honestly all I need is my own clean room and a bathroom with hot water. But I got a bonus of two lovely cats that take turns sleeping with me and a stupid pudel that I totally loath. I like all animals, but these small dogs that always need attention and bark their asses off if they do not get it, they get on my nerves.

This pudel is annoying not only because it always barks, and jumps on everyone, it also does something else. When left alone in the house it shits and pees everywhere. Well not everywhere, just in places where somebody could step into without looking. For example, today it decided to pee in front of my room just to protest that I would not let it inside the room.

And, no idea if the owner has her nasal sensors burned from all the dog pee (or cocaine, maybe? I’m just saying…), but the whole house stinks no matter how much she cleans. And she tries very hard, she has a full closet full of cleaning products… that do well… not much. No idea if she is some new-age all bio enthusiast, but that house needs a full cleaning with something based on chlorine and industrial alcohol. So on my way to work, this is what I did, bought some hardcore disinfectant. And by all means tonight I’m going to sleep in a room smelling clean god dammit. And try to teach her what needs to be done as well.

I have a cat and I know people tend to get used to familiar smells. Yes, even cat pee smell can become familiar, because your brain loathes it so much it tries to protect you from discomfort by ignoring it all together. That is why I clean after my cat daily and my house is filled with perfumed devices and perfumed candles. To make sure I always smell something nice so when I get close to her toilet I feel it immediately if it even starts to stink. I’ve had room mates and I did a huge effort to make them feel comfortable with having a cat around. So I’ve had practice. But cats are easy, because by their nature they are really clean and they don’t shit where they eat. Dogs are another matter, they even eat their own shit, so you can’t have too much expectation form them. So they require a lot of care. And if you are not able to provide that care … well you end up with a stinking house.

My friends told me that I should give her a bad review on Airbnb, but I can’t do that. This woman looks like she really needs the money and she is really really hospitable and really nice. She is clearly trying. She just has this problem with the dog and I will make sure to try to talk to her before I go. Because, maybe she really does not understand how serious this is.

Commuting to work should be ok. I have a bus, connecting perfectly with a metro. If traffic is not horrendous. Which during the week it is. I have to walk 15 minutes to the bus. If I estimate the time correctly I get to the bus station shortly before the bus arrives. The bus should take 10 minutes to the metro station, but during the week it takes 20 minutes. Let’s add 5 minutes for the walk between, bus station and metro. Than add another 30 minutes with the metro and add 18 minutes walk to the office. Because the metro station that is closer to the office is under repair, and the metro does not stop there. So, to get to work in the morning I need about 1h and a half. Compared to the 15-20 minutes it takes me at home this is … bad. Like, really bad. If I were to move here and not afford an apartment closer to the city center, and I would not because I’m not fucking royalty, I would lose 2 hours of my life daily. And this is dead time, because back home I used this time for personal development or just relaxation, which make my mind work faster and better. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move to a big city again. Big city life is just not for me. It’s nice from time to time, but fuck no. I love the comfy, slow and relaxed life I have in Sibiu.

And I know what you are thinking, what kind of job does she have that she is allowed to blog during the work time? Well… I am waiting for some threads to execute and monitoring the memory consumption, so no I’m not slacking, I’m actually working. For real.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Out of sight, out of mind

Facebook and all other innovative means of communication make it impossible to forget somebody and let wounds heal. Because they are never out of sight. I scroll my FB messenger for a friend and see the window with the last conversation we had. And I can’t stop to go over it, just to remind myself that it really ended and how it ended, to remind myself that I should probably never talk to him again. Unless he says something first, that is. I still have him as a Facebook friend, I wanted to be mature and prove myself I could do this, keep a way of contacting him and rely on my determination to not actually do it.

The sad thing is that I though I was infatuated, I thought I liked him so much because I was lonely for so long that I totally got stuck on the first person that showed me some attention. I really hoped by not seeing him in person and not talking to him would make my mind stop thinking about him. I really thought what I felt was not real and that it will pass.

But he was not the only one that showed me attention, not really, there were others. I just brushed them off because I did not have the time. Except for him, for him… I made time. Now that I have more time on my hands, I started going out, meeting new people. He was really obvious in his interest and at the same time shy and contained. And shyness attracts me, because I am shy as well, actually I can only stop being shy with somebody shyer than me. Stupid, right?. And he was talking so freely, about anything. And I guess I reacted and opened up to him as well. I’ve talked about things I did not talk in years: about God, about love, about parallel universes, Sailor Moon, cars and dreams.  Of course he sparked my interest and of course he keept it. He is something peculiar, I told him that too. Every person that tried to spark my interest after him seemed shallow, plain and boring. And I just can’t open up with any of them as I did with him. I guess I opened the gate to my mind wide open for him to enter and apparently he never left. He is blocking the fucking gate! I can’t close it fully and nobody else can enter either.

I remember the first day I saw him. I lied to him and told him I did not remember, because I did not want him to think me weird, or obsessed. That day in the elevator, I did notice him, I did look at him and thought to myself: “He will be a wonderful man one day.” I said it with sadness, because the man that he will be was not meant for me.  And I put him out of my mind, because there was no point to think about a boy I noticed in the elevator and that I would have probably never talk to again.

But he made sure that failed, and we talked again. And I fell in love with his sexy and peculiar mind, with his playful eyes, with the inflections in his voice and with the way his skin felt on mine. And I fell in love with the way I felt when I was close to him, funny, strong and secure, like I could do anything with him by my side. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can do anything I set my mind to alone as well, but there is this mesmerizing feeling in being part of a team. Because with a partner you can stand back to back and be able to repel attacks from all sides while being in control. When I’m alone I have to move a lot, switch sides all the time. With a partner I trust, I can focus better, I can be sure of having things under control.

I am still thinking of him, haven’t learned how to stop yet. I do not want to, but I can’t stop my mind from wondering when my fingers caress my phone over that last conversation when we both agreed it was not worth it. Why the fuck did we say that? Because, we both know neither one of us believes it.

And all this post started with the idiom in the title that Duolingo asked me to translate. Damn you Duolingo…

Stay safe, stay happy!

18th October 2010 is the year when I created my Facebook account. I do not really remember why I did it or what I needed it for. No idea why this morning I had the urge to look up this information, maybe because I’m thinking of giving up Facebook again.  But looking at the entries I noticed some things.

In 4 November 2010 I wrote on Facebook that I would love to go to a Mutemath concert. This happened on the 1st of February 2016.
On 21 December 2011 I wrote this:

“That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club and several other novels.

Looking back at this, I think I got it. I am happy, not all the time, but about 80% of the time. Looking back at me life, and then in the mirror, to the person I have finally learned how to love, I realized something: 10% of the time I’m rain, 80% I’m sunshine and 10% I’m a fucking solar flare. My life is not perfect, I can’t get everything I want, and what I want and get seems not to be what I need. But overall I am fine. I’m still alive, still able to love, so there’s that. I am not completely happy, but my life is good. I never had anyone to exact revenge on though.

This is that time of the year, when I start reconsidering where my life is going. I had moments when I thought I had a plan, and had it all figured out. But these are just moments that end way too fast. I’m an adult. Sort of. I know what I want, sort of. I’m told I am fun and my laughter is contagious. I have moments when I get fed up with other people’s bullshit and snap. This happens once a year. I am really sorry for people caught in the crossfire. But life is not fair, we do not get what we want, and people hurt us for no reason, as we hurt others without intending or knowing.

No idea where I will be next year around this time. No idea if I’ll be happy, or sad, or mad, or melancholic. But I hope I am still alive and well and able to write about it. In this ever changing world this is the best I can hope for.

And love? Well… love is just around the corner. Too bad the world is round.

Stay safe, stay happy!

You used to make me shine with just your smile
You used to hold me in your arms and sleep
I never dared to ask you to be mine
Although you made my days and nights so sweet.

I probably just asked to let me love you,
Although I don’t remember just quite when,
And now when all the pages turned so skew,
It simply does not suffice being your friend.

I used to look at you and hug you in my mind
And try to memorize each detail of your face
Now here I am, a ghost you left behind
Without a purpose, wasting time and space.

You used to call me sunshine, I used to call you love
You used to break my heart without a care
Now you are little but somebody I talk of
From time to time, when I have breath to spare.

I used to extol your style and thinking
Blown away by the hurricane residing in your mind
I used to listen to your heart while beating
While talking about all the things you left behind.

My love, now I am but one of those things
That momentarily have captured your attention
I tried to hide into your heart that sings
A song of sorrow and profound dissension.

I told you this is what I do, I use the words
I make them into weapons or turn them into band-aids
To fight the pain of being left at crossroads
Of love and friendship and all the other shades.

I don’t know how to stop thinking of you,
But darling, so eager am I to learn.
Because as much as my love was true,
As much to see it gone, I yearn.

You’ll never know what could have been,
This I find inconceivable to forgive
Love is a habit, it grows from green
To ripe purple red, when given chance to live.
———————–
Phoenix, 11 November 2016

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