Nov 03 2016

Dreams

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 13:40

As you probably know by now, I am yet again in love with somebody that does not reciprocate. But it is ok, really. Realistically speaking, we do not fit. Different education, different generation, different upbringing. But he is amazing and I am glad to be his friend.(Yeas, I’ve been friendzoned, ha ha!)

The thing that pisses me off is not that he is this amazing person that seems to be in sync with me in thoughts and feelings, but he does not love me. The thing that pisses me off is that while being in love with him, nobody else even catches my eye or interest. Seriously, I cannot even think about how it would be to hug, or kiss or make love to somebody that is not him.

So I’m stuck. In real life I am stuck. I am in a love-block.

But a few nights ago, I dreamed I met someone and apparently he was my soulmate. His name was Ed or Eddie, which is so weird considering that I am a Romanian living in Romania. In the dream I did not feel in love and I was actually looking at me and him interacting like I was watching a movie. And I was unable to fathom how the hell he could be my soulmate, when I was in love with somebody else.

So yeah… stupid brains.


Nov 02 2016

Life without a car

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 8:15

I was not born in a rich or at least modest family. Having and driving a car was never seen as a possibility, but me and my sister managed to get our driving licenses and even have our own cars. That is up until 5 days ago, when I messed up and my car is now a big piece of useless metal.

Before owning a car, I never thought I needed a car. Now I have to remember how daily chores can be done without a car. I cannot seem to get my head around how people do their shopping without a car, or get from point A to point B. I tried the bike, for normal getting from A to B without carrying more stuff then it fits in a bag. But it is late autumn and it is cold. A few months ago I was joking with a friend of mine that I am a princess undercover. After my ass froze yesterday on my bike, I was wondering how was I doing this and liking it three years ago.

Now I have to go to work. After work I have karate training. I should carry two backpacks, one with the laptop, one with the training gear. It feels scary and I do not know how will I manage to keep myself from sweating. I hate sweating. Probably I’ll take a cab. Just today.

And shopping? This will probably become a hassle. I fail to understand how and why should I carry all my bags with stuff I want to buy at once. Probably I’ll have to buy less stuff, which is ok.  But to buy stuff, I have to go to the supermarket and the  supermarket closest to my house is 5 minutes away.  My fridge is still empty since I got home on Saturday, the 29th of October. Probably it will stay like that for a while.

And then there’s that scary feeling of being … not free. The car gave me a feeling of freedom and independence, I could do anything I wanted, anytime I wanted. If I wanted to see someone I just called them, then jump in my car and in 15 minutes, there I was. Now… well… I could jump into a cab of course, but this is getting expensive fast. If I just want to take a lonely ride in the middle of the night, this is no longer possible as well. So… currently I am just reluctant to leaving my home.

There’s the alcohol though. I kinda stopped drinking after I bought my car, because I had no idea how much I could drink so that my body actually processes it, and it will go away until the next morning. Since the accident there wasn’t an evening I went to sleep without a glass of wine. I can’t sleep otherwise. My new situation is putting my mind in a loop: you need to get a car, you need to do this, but you need a car, but I could start with this, but you still need a car, … You get the idea:  first world problems.

Ok, … time to really go. I need to call a cab.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Oct 31 2016

The epiphany

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 0:11

Friday evening, five women got in one car and left from Sibiu, Romania towards Sofia, Bulgaria. There we were supposed to get on a plane, go to Kutaisi and have two dreamy days in Ushguli and one in Kutaisi before coming home. One of them was me. I was the driver, the car was my Sandero Smile, a Dacia car, a Romanian car, made for Romanian roads. Or so I believed for 5 years.

I did not sleep much the previous night, as I struggled to finish the last chapter of my recent technical book, but the sleep I had was really good, no dreams, just deep sleep, because when I woke up at seven I was well rested and ready to go. I added a lot of caffeine and some energy drink and all was well. I was a little scared, because I have never driven before for so long with 5 people in my car. But all went well, for about 400 kilometers. That is when we left the highway to turn into a dark and unkempt road, there was asphalt but it as covered in dust and small stones. I should have known I had to be careful, I should have gone slower, but the car was stable, all was well. There was a car in front of me, so I did not turn on my night lights, so I won’t bother the driver. I should have turned them back on with the first occasion, but I did not, and this I consider it to be my first mistake and the first factor. And then there was a curve in the road. My speed was about 50-60km per hour, because I had reduced visibility, but should have been smaller because of the quality of the road. But I clearly had no experience on those kind of roads, and this was the second factor. And in that curve I tried to stay on the road, but the car slid out on the right and caught a patch of mud. I managed to get it back on the road, but continued sliding. I kept pushing the brake, trying to change direction. I could see it all happening in slow motion. The car was slowing down, but not enough so I hit the side of the bridge in the curve with the right back side of the car.Then the front right side hit the concrete parapet next to the bridge, and the car overturned to 90 degrees, on its right side. Because the curve included a bridge over an irrigation canal, and that is when the car stopped moving, sitting 90 upright on its right side, on the concrete parapet.

I was suspended in my chair, hanging and tightly kept there by my seat belt. Nobody screamed until the car stopped moving. No idea what scream was the first, but I shouted: “Are you all ok? Please tell me all of you are ok!” Because you see, if I would have been alone in my car, I would just have started crying. But there were four persons with me, with friends and family that waited for them to come back, that needed them, that loved them. I did not have that, I really do not mater that much to anyone, that is how my parents raised me. I’m not sure that is what they intended it so, but they always had little hope for my future, so a child, then an adolescent interpreted their words as the worst: that she was worthless. Those women had friends and families that love them to bits and I’ve met a few of them. One of them had a small child. One has a niece with her eyes. One has a brother that means the world to her. One has a boyfriend that loves her so much and they have more than 12 years together. I have no connections like that. That is why my first scream was about them, because if any of them would have been hurt, I would have probably died of a broken heart right there and then, only not to face the persons in their lives, as the person that hurt the one they love so much.

After all of them confirmed they are ok, I felt the smell of gasoline. I stopped the engine quick. I realized, we won’t be able to get out of the car. So I called 112 (the equivalent Romanian of 911). They were quick to respond, it was difficult to tell them where we were. But I managed. Other cars stopped. They were trying to flip the car back. I asked them to stop. I realize I could just put the contact on, so the windows would work. I did that, then everybody was out. I was the last to go out. I was feeling guilty because the accident I caused ruined everybody’s vacation. We were all out and standing when the ambulance arrived, then the police. Then the fire brigade, because in Romania they take care o auto accidents too. Among the girls in the back, two of them had no seat-belts on. But they were ok. Only one of them had a few tiny scratches.

The car was taken off the road after all the pics were taken. I kept saying I was sorry and asking for forgiveness. People kept telling me it was not my fault, that accidents happen often in that area. It did not help. I wrote what happened so many times, I kept writing there were no humans hurt, but it still felt weird. Than I got to look at the car. It was totally trashed and it was a miracle all of us got out with only small bruises and some cuts. I called the insurance guys. They came in 30 minutes and as they lifted my Sandero on the platform I felt a pain in my chest. That car was my 5 year partner. I know it was just glass, metal and plastic, but I had the same attachment to it as I had for my cat. I was looking at it being dragged alway and felt like crying and I probably cried. That was goodbye, that was probably the last time I would see it. It was not about money, I can make more money, but that car… I cried in it, I laughed in it, I learned to drive in it, I probably told a boyfriend I loved him in it. We left Iasi together and made new friends that were on my right in that car. That was the end of an era, the Sandelu(that was the name I gave the car, or Sanducu) was no more. My last inanimate connection to Iasi was gone. Only friends remain now.

I do not know how others feel after they crash their cars, but I wanted to make sure those girls would make it to Georgia. I tried renting a car, no chance. Then one of them called some some friends to take take us to Bucharest to a hotel. I told them to book a hotel where they will feel like queens. I would have done anything to help them forget the scare of that night. I looked at them calling friends and families and realized I did not really have anybody to call. Except him. He wished me “God speed” before I left. I thought… maybe he should know. So I wrote him a message. He offered to jump in his car and come right away. I knew he had a lot to work and he had trouble sleeping, I really did not want to bother him. But he insisted, so I just told him to come the next day in the morning to take us home. And he did come, and I hugged him so many times I can’t remember, because it felt so safe in his arms. And he took us home. I stayed on the chair behind him, touching his shoulders from time to time, just to … I don’t know, just to have a fixed point I guess.

What happens in the mind of a driver that causes a crash that endangers other persons’ life? A lot of guilt. I rethink everything that happened that day and what I could have done to avoid it. I was lucky, were all lucky, because we are all ok, physically. Mentally, will take a while. I am so relieved that we are all ok, but from time to time, a dark thought creeps out. The dark “what if”. What if one or more of them would have been badly or mortally injured? What would our lives have been then? What would have happened to me? Because I could not have lived with the guilt. I am so relieved that this scenario is only imaginary, I keep telling myself that there is no point in worrying about what could have been and to move on, but I feel guilty. I’m not sure this will go away too soon and if one of those women wants to moon, I will go get it. It’s the least I can do.

After such events people have epiphanies, about life and death and their purpose and meaning on this earth. I kept waiting for mine that night. I kept waiting for it on the way home. And along the road while holding the shoulders of the man I love and does not reciprocate, but only has a high appreciation and affection for me that he drove for four hours to be close to me in my darkest hour and make sure me and my friends got home safe, a thought appeared as clear as a summer morning light. I never thought an accident as bad as this would happen to me. I have always been obsessively careful and respected all the rules while driving. I really, really believe this would never happen to me. But it did. So, if something so bad could happen to me, even if I took all precautions, what if this is true for good things too? If something unimaginably bad had happened to me, what if something just as good, can happen to me too?

The paramedics, firemen and cops were amazing to us, their behavior and professionalism was exemplary. They kept remembering us to be happy to be alive and unharmed, because looking at the car, nobody would say that was possible. They kept talking to us to keep us calm and collected. If somebody else will ever trash talk Romanian authorities such as these, I will fight them and defend them with all my might.

28 October 2016, 21:54, A1, Kilometer 44, on the road to Vanatorii Mici, five lives were changed and linked together forever by a singular event.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Oct 23 2016

The broken ones

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 15:11

There is a generally shared opinion in our society that if you are over thirty and you are alone, meaning not in a relationship, nor married you are broken, there is something wrong with you.

If you are one of those people, stop reading and fuck you and your narrow minded opinions!

Asking people why they are single after thirty is like asking couples why they do not have children. The answer is way more deep than you would imagine and the motives could be more heartbreaking than you would think.

I am one of the broken ones. I am over thirty. Not married. Not in a relationship. No idea what broken means in the minds of those defining me like that, but as long my psychologist does not give me a diagnostic saying so, I beg to differ. I do not know what I have different from other members of my species that have managed to have a family in the society acceptable age interval. I used to think I have bad taste in men. But nobody’s perfect and it is difficult to label someone good or bad; and honestly I wish it was this easy.

Here’s some details about me: I always considered being financially independent a priority. So most of my resources were used to fulfill that goal. Being somebody’s half was always my second priority. Why was being financially independent so important? Because I’ve seen my mom felling powerless next to an emotionally abusive husband and not being able to leave or do anything the way she wanted to, because he was the only one bringing money into the house. Also, growing up in a defective family, I guess I never knew how true love and a good partnership looks like, so I guess it just took me a little longer than others to find that out. Thus, being somebody’s half was always my second priority, especially since from my parents’ experience, being in a relationship was not actually something that attractive. It was just something you had to do to conform to the social norm of normal.

So yeah, I guess I have always been a little reluctant to being in a relationship. And when I fell in love, I also became scared that my relationship would evolve into what my parents had and without realizing it probably my survival instinct took over and unconsciously sabotaged the relationship. But at some point in my life I realized that, and instead of sabotaging a relationship, I actually tried to mend it and made so many compromises that my ego still hurts only thinking about it. Unfortunately, the person that I did this for was another sorts of broken and my effort was wasted.

What can I say more than this? I do not consider myself broken. But, because I spent so much time in building myself into the person I finally love to look at in the mirror, I guess I became a little peculiar. I am quite flexible and still able to compromise. My failed relationships did not affect my ability to love, they just made me realize what kind of person would fit me. I am the kind of person that believes that successful partnerships involve resembling partners, with common interests and really similar life views. So I need someone resembling me, and being a little peculiar is a main disadvantage. I am completely healthy mentally and physically and I have really healthy habits, so there’s that.

But then again, looking around me I see defective couples, I see divorces and I see children that will grow up as broken as me, if they are lucky. If they are not, they will end up way worse. So being single, does not seem this bad compared to the alternative.

So call me broken and keep away from me as it were contagious. I do not need such negative and narrow minded persons in my life anyway.

Stay safe and stay happy!


Oct 17 2016

The fixed point

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 20:43

Our life from start to end it is based on fixed points. Fixed points are persons, responsibilities, passions or assignments that keep you grounded. When I say grounded, I do not really mean staying in one place although this is most of the time the case. Imagine you are an asteroid , you drift through space and you end up being pulled by the gravity of a planet and you start oscillating around it. Even if other asteroids or solar flares change you or your direction, you keep you oscillation around the planet until some cosmic event displaces you and you end up drifting through space again until you find a different planet.

This is how people live their lives too, they have one fixed point, that can change over time. No matter what they do, where they go, they have the tendency to go back to that fixed point. The fixed point is not  always a location, sometimes it is a person, or a point in time. Sometimes a combination of these. Let me give you an example.

My first point was the city I grew up in: Ramnicu-Valcea. I was a child and while growing up, I had my parents as a fixed point of-course, but that city was my real fixed point. I was in school, growing up, making friends, going to see my grandparents in the other side of the country, but while I was away I could not wait to go back there. When my parents decided to move across the country and did not even give me the occasion to say good bye to my life there, I was left without a fixed point.

I drifted not knowing where I belong, what was I supposed to do. But I met Bogdan and he became my second fixed point. Everything I did was somehow related to him. To make him proud. To prove to him he was right to trust me. To be the best version of me I could, so maybe one day I would be worth the risk to …be loved by him. But he died and his memory has become a mental fixed point for me. No matter how old I get, no matter how my character changes in my happiest and in my darkest moments, I run to him in my mind.

But from the ashes of my existence, a fixed point appeared again: my studies. I had to finish my studies. I was fixed in Iasi for 6 years, I did my best and I actually wanted to leave when studies were done.

But I met him, Rpx. And he became my fixed point for the next four years. I think I was a fixed point for him too. Because no matter how far we both went, mentally and physically, we would always come back to each other. And then we broke up and somebody else took his place. I guess I was so desperate for a fixed point fast that I did not realize what a big mistake it was. This time I chose my fixed point and it was not a good choice. When he left, I spiraled out of control. And in all that confusion I discovered that I was somebody’s fixed point as well: my cat Psihoza. She has no choice in the matter of course. ;)

I drifted away again, and this time physically, I moved to another city, half a country away. And a fixed point appeared, the collaboration with Apress. This was my fixed point for the last two years. It kept me grounded, driven and stable. I have lived in the same city, same place for the last two years.  And it was great. Still is.

I am writing about fixed points, because I am close to finishing the second book for them. And I won’t write another for a while. I am too tired. This will of course leave me without a fixed point so I have to prepare myself mentally for his. Because I do not want to make any rash decisions. Currently my ideas of what to do after the book are as follows:

  • buy land
  • buy a house
  • buy a new car
  • play Heroes 3 for a few weeks
  • take a sabbatical
  • start that startup I keep dreaming for a while
  • read a lot of books
  • fall in love, or rather actually manage to enjoy it a little (hi, hi!)

Of course any of these can generate the next fixed point. And it is scary I do not know which it will be and how much control I have over it. Because currently, I don’t know. and I hate not knowing. But then again, it is ok not to know at this point. Because I still have a fixed point at the moment: the book. Until it is finished I try not to think about my next point or the journey to find it.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Oct 16 2016

The best things in life do not come easy

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 19:59

Some time ago I was faced with an impossible choice. Something I had given up hoping it will ever happen to me, it happened. At first I did not want to believe it. I tried to analyze it to find the bugs, the inconsistencies. I tried to identify the reasons why it is not as good as it seems to be. I tried to find everything that could prevent it from being or lead to its destruction.

And I found them. I found all of them. And by logical reasoning, I should just get up an leave, run as fast as I can. Run like hell, like devil from holy water. And I did, or tried to and failing miserably. Because the more I thought, the more it stopped making sense. Becasue love makes no fucking sense.

Theoretically from my previous experience, mine and others’ around me I now how it goes: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” Kidding. Back to the point. I thought I knew. It should go like this: your eyes meet, you start chatting, you go out, one, twice, thrice, then you kiss, then you start spending time together, then sex, then… you know the drill.

Problem is, this happens with different speeds depending on the age and people involved, depending on their life experiences and their characters. Sometimes even steps back have to be taken. And this can get awkward, because taking steps back rarely works. Because people see it as a lack of interest. I definitely would have seen it like that. But then if you are patient and you pay attention you notice the little things. And if you trust the person, the little things … are not so little.

The truth is, good things do not come easy. You have to dedicate yourself, pay attention to detail and have a lot of patience. Good persons, compatible with your personality and insanity are almost impossible to find. But sometimes you are that lucky, you just have to try not to screw it up. I thought I screwed up a few times, but then, there are the little things. I tried to ignore them because I honestly thought I was imagining things. But what if it is not my imagination?

I thought about giving up, but I never backed up from a challenge. And being with him is the biggest challenge the universe threw in my way. And if it so difficult to get in sync with him, he must be worth it.

Yeah, I might waste my time, I might get my heart broken again. Been there, done that,  got the T-Shirt. But if I’m right and he is the right one, I’m in for the biggest jackpot of my life.

 


Oct 11 2016

The weakness

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 9:02

All people have weaknesses and phobias, nature would not have it any other way. Fear helps you become more aware of your surroundings, weaknesses help you overcome limitations.

I have no phobia, but I have a few fears. The biggest fear I have is bad stuff happening to people I love. Seriously universe, give that shit to me, but do not let me witness my loved ones in pain without being able to help because it truly fucks me up!

The second fear on the list is falling in love and putting my self second. I did not have a happy life, but I did my best. And now that I am big and strong I kinda feel a compulsive need to do my best to make people happy. You can imagine this is a little counterproductive and I am seriously putting some effort with my psychologist to learn be a little selfish.

The third fear is getting so sick I won’t be able to function properly. I have been on my own for many years now, I’ve had a broken hand and it hurt more mentally than physically, because it left me at the mercy and care of my then boyfriend. He was great, nothing to comment there, but being unable to wash my hair, or face made me feel so weak and powerless, that I sort of wished my own death. Yeah, a bit of exaggeration there, but basically being weak hurts my ego, because I am so used to being strong and fearless, and being everybody’s rock, that it feels like a personal failure when I can’t fulfill my role.

And now I have the stomach flu. I lost a night trying to sleep with my stomach in pain, doing visits to the bathroom and hoping after every time I puke it will get better. It was a long night full of interrupted nightmares and aching stomach. I’m not able to go to work today, I am here in my bed, trying to keep my thoughts straight while the room is spinning. I am trying all sorts of tea, but I can’t keep anything in. It’s scary, because obviously I am afraid to eat anything, for fear of  my stomach going crazy. For almost 6 years now, the worst I has was a cold or a toothache. I don’t even know what to do with this. I did not even know if there were pills for such a thing. Apparently there are pills for stopping you from puking and you have to eat a lot of solid food.  I just took one. I’m trying more teas and wait until lunch to try solid food. This sucks, especially since I think I’m also feverish. Bloody virus!

So yeah, I’ll be weak for a few days. It kills me to be like this but, oh well. At least I can still move around the house, slow and doing a huge effort, but I’ll make it.

Stay safe, stay happy! (and healthy)