Oct 23 2016

The broken ones

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 15:11

There is a generally shared opinion in our society that if you are over thirty and you are alone, meaning not in a relationship, nor married you are broken, there is something wrong with you.

If you are one of those people, stop reading and fuck you and your narrow minded opinions!

Asking people why they are single after thirty is like asking couples why they do not have children. The answer is way more deep than you would imagine and the motives could be more heartbreaking than you would think.

I am one of the broken ones. I am over thirty. Not married. Not in a relationship. No idea what broken means in the minds of those defining me like that, but as long my psychologist does not give me a diagnostic saying so, I beg to differ. I do not know what I have different from other members of my species that have managed to have a family in the society acceptable age interval. I used to think I have bad taste in men. But nobody’s perfect and it is difficult to label someone good or bad; and honestly I wish it was this easy.

Here’s some details about me: I always considered being financially independent a priority. So most of my resources were used to fulfill that goal. Being somebody’s half was always my second priority. Why was being financially independent so important? Because I’ve seen my mom felling powerless next to an emotionally abusive husband and not being able to leave or do anything the way she wanted to, because he was the only one bringing money into the house. Also, growing up in a defective family, I guess I never knew how true love and a good partnership looks like, so I guess it just took me a little longer than others to find that out. Thus, being somebody’s half was always my second priority, especially since from my parents’ experience, being in a relationship was not actually something that attractive. It was just something you had to do to conform to the social norm of normal.

So yeah, I guess I have always been a little reluctant to being in a relationship. And when I fell in love, I also became scared that my relationship would evolve into what my parents had and without realizing it probably my survival instinct took over and unconsciously sabotaged the relationship. But at some point in my life I realized that, and instead of sabotaging a relationship, I actually tried to mend it and made so many compromises that my ego still hurts only thinking about it. Unfortunately, the person that I did this for was another sorts of broken and my effort was wasted.

What can I say more than this? I do not consider myself broken. But, because I spent so much time in building myself into the person I finally love to look at in the mirror, I guess I became a little peculiar. I am quite flexible and still able to compromise. My failed relationships did not affect my ability to love, they just made me realize what kind of person would fit me. I am the kind of person that believes that successful partnerships involve resembling partners, with common interests and really similar life views. So I need someone resembling me, and being a little peculiar is a main disadvantage. I am completely healthy mentally and physically and I have really healthy habits, so there’s that.

But then again, looking around me I see defective couples, I see divorces and I see children that will grow up as broken as me, if they are lucky. If they are not, they will end up way worse. So being single, does not seem this bad compared to the alternative.

So call me broken and keep away from me as it were contagious. I do not need such negative and narrow minded persons in my life anyway.

Stay safe and stay happy!

Oct 17 2016

The fixed point

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 20:43

Our life from start to end it is based on fixed points. Fixed points are persons, responsibilities, passions or assignments that keep you grounded. When I say grounded, I do not really mean staying in one place although this is most of the time the case. Imagine you are an asteroid , you drift through space and you end up being pulled by the gravity of a planet and you start oscillating around it. Even if other asteroids or solar flares change you or your direction, you keep you oscillation around the planet until some cosmic event displaces you and you end up drifting through space again until you find a different planet.

This is how people live their lives too, they have one fixed point, that can change over time. No matter what they do, where they go, they have the tendency to go back to that fixed point. The fixed point is not  always a location, sometimes it is a person, or a point in time. Sometimes a combination of these. Let me give you an example.

My first point was the city I grew up in: Ramnicu-Valcea. I was a child and while growing up, I had my parents as a fixed point of-course, but that city was my real fixed point. I was in school, growing up, making friends, going to see my grandparents in the other side of the country, but while I was away I could not wait to go back there. When my parents decided to move across the country and did not even give me the occasion to say good bye to my life there, I was left without a fixed point.

I drifted not knowing where I belong, what was I supposed to do. But I met Bogdan and he became my second fixed point. Everything I did was somehow related to him. To make him proud. To prove to him he was right to trust me. To be the best version of me I could, so maybe one day I would be worth the risk to …be loved by him. But he died and his memory has become a mental fixed point for me. No matter how old I get, no matter how my character changes in my happiest and in my darkest moments, I run to him in my mind.

But from the ashes of my existence, a fixed point appeared again: my studies. I had to finish my studies. I was fixed in Iasi for 6 years, I did my best and I actually wanted to leave when studies were done.

But I met him, Rpx. And he became my fixed point for the next four years. I think I was a fixed point for him too. Because no matter how far we both went, mentally and physically, we would always come back to each other. And then we broke up and somebody else took his place. I guess I was so desperate for a fixed point fast that I did not realize what a big mistake it was. This time I chose my fixed point and it was not a good choice. When he left, I spiraled out of control. And in all that confusion I discovered that I was somebody’s fixed point as well: my cat Psihoza. She has no choice in the matter of course. ;)

I drifted away again, and this time physically, I moved to another city, half a country away. And a fixed point appeared, the collaboration with Apress. This was my fixed point for the last two years. It kept me grounded, driven and stable. I have lived in the same city, same place for the last two years.  And it was great. Still is.

I am writing about fixed points, because I am close to finishing the second book for them. And I won’t write another for a while. I am too tired. This will of course leave me without a fixed point so I have to prepare myself mentally for his. Because I do not want to make any rash decisions. Currently my ideas of what to do after the book are as follows:

  • buy land
  • buy a house
  • buy a new car
  • play Heroes 3 for a few weeks
  • take a sabbatical
  • start that startup I keep dreaming for a while
  • read a lot of books
  • fall in love, or rather actually manage to enjoy it a little (hi, hi!)

Of course any of these can generate the next fixed point. And it is scary I do not know which it will be and how much control I have over it. Because currently, I don’t know. and I hate not knowing. But then again, it is ok not to know at this point. Because I still have a fixed point at the moment: the book. Until it is finished I try not to think about my next point or the journey to find it.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Oct 16 2016

The best things in life do not come easy

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 19:59

Some time ago I was faced with an impossible choice. Something I had given up hoping it will ever happen to me, it happened. At first I did not want to believe it. I tried to analyze it to find the bugs, the inconsistencies. I tried to identify the reasons why it is not as good as it seems to be. I tried to find everything that could prevent it from being or lead to its destruction.

And I found them. I found all of them. And by logical reasoning, I should just get up an leave, run as fast as I can. Run like hell, like devil from holy water. And I did, or tried to and failing miserably. Because the more I thought, the more it stopped making sense. Becasue love makes no fucking sense.

Theoretically from my previous experience, mine and others’ around me I now how it goes: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” Kidding. Back to the point. I thought I knew. It should go like this: your eyes meet, you start chatting, you go out, one, twice, thrice, then you kiss, then you start spending time together, then sex, then… you know the drill.

Problem is, this happens with different speeds depending on the age and people involved, depending on their life experiences and their characters. Sometimes even steps back have to be taken. And this can get awkward, because taking steps back rarely works. Because people see it as a lack of interest. I definitely would have seen it like that. But then if you are patient and you pay attention you notice the little things. And if you trust the person, the little things … are not so little.

The truth is, good things do not come easy. You have to dedicate yourself, pay attention to detail and have a lot of patience. Good persons, compatible with your personality and insanity are almost impossible to find. But sometimes you are that lucky, you just have to try not to screw it up. I thought I screwed up a few times, but then, there are the little things. I tried to ignore them because I honestly thought I was imagining things. But what if it is not my imagination?

I thought about giving up, but I never backed up from a challenge. And being with him is the biggest challenge the universe threw in my way. And if it so difficult to get in sync with him, he must be worth it.

Yeah, I might waste my time, I might get my heart broken again. Been there, done that,  got the T-Shirt. But if I’m right and he is the right one, I’m in for the biggest jackpot of my life.


Oct 11 2016

The weakness

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 9:02

All people have weaknesses and phobias, nature would not have it any other way. Fear helps you become more aware of your surroundings, weaknesses help you overcome limitations.

I have no phobia, but I have a few fears. The biggest fear I have is bad stuff happening to people I love. Seriously universe, give that shit to me, but do not let me witness my loved ones in pain without being able to help because it truly fucks me up!

The second fear on the list is falling in love and putting my self second. I did not have a happy life, but I did my best. And now that I am big and strong I kinda feel a compulsive need to do my best to make people happy. You can imagine this is a little counterproductive and I am seriously putting some effort with my psychologist to learn be a little selfish.

The third fear is getting so sick I won’t be able to function properly. I have been on my own for many years now, I’ve had a broken hand and it hurt more mentally than physically, because it left me at the mercy and care of my then boyfriend. He was great, nothing to comment there, but being unable to wash my hair, or face made me feel so weak and powerless, that I sort of wished my own death. Yeah, a bit of exaggeration there, but basically being weak hurts my ego, because I am so used to being strong and fearless, and being everybody’s rock, that it feels like a personal failure when I can’t fulfill my role.

And now I have the stomach flu. I lost a night trying to sleep with my stomach in pain, doing visits to the bathroom and hoping after every time I puke it will get better. It was a long night full of interrupted nightmares and aching stomach. I’m not able to go to work today, I am here in my bed, trying to keep my thoughts straight while the room is spinning. I am trying all sorts of tea, but I can’t keep anything in. It’s scary, because obviously I am afraid to eat anything, for fear of  my stomach going crazy. For almost 6 years now, the worst I has was a cold or a toothache. I don’t even know what to do with this. I did not even know if there were pills for such a thing. Apparently there are pills for stopping you from puking and you have to eat a lot of solid food.  I just took one. I’m trying more teas and wait until lunch to try solid food. This sucks, especially since I think I’m also feverish. Bloody virus!

So yeah, I’ll be weak for a few days. It kills me to be like this but, oh well. At least I can still move around the house, slow and doing a huge effort, but I’ll make it.

Stay safe, stay happy! (and healthy)

Oct 10 2016

To the last one that broke my heart

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 12:11

This is your third birthday without me.When we were together I forgot about it twice. The irony is that now that we are not together, I remember it each year. Makes me smile only to think about it.

Now that all the pain is gone, I wish you a happy birthday! May you have a happy day, surrounded by everyone that loves you. Not me though, I’m not part of that team anymore. Actually I really hope all your days will be happy from now on, because you truly deserve it.
Thank you for being part of my life for a little while and teaching me that the priority for me should be me.

Oct 09 2016

A love that never was

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 21:58

I read a long time about a love that never was, a love that died before being born. I do not really remember the context, nor the story, but this expression, a love that died before being born, it stuck with me. As you probably know by now, I have a special interest in love, what it is, when it appears, how, why, is it even real or just another human illusion meant to simulate a purpose for our meaningless lives, etc. But I never thought I’ll have the occasion to match that expression to a situation.

When love is over, all is left is memories. If it ended badly, if the other hurt you, you tend to remember the bad ones. If the split was mutual you remember both, because when it comes to love, things are never black or white. Sometimes everything is quite gray. You will remember a lot of events and actions, but you won’t remember the great sex, the clubbing, evenings with friends and families. You won’t remember anything professional you did together. You will remember the little things. When you remember a love that died before being born, the little things become… not that little. Here is what I remember:

  • I remember his face the first time I looked at him, like really looked. I remember his dark eyes and the wrinkles along his eyes, that made him look older than he was.
  • I  remember the first date, but not quite date, when he burned his tongue with tea and we listened to Nat King Cole in his car.
  • I remember the first song he sent me that gave me the goose bumps.
  • I remember that rainy night when we talked about small things in his car, looking at the city from above.
  • I remember the first time our hands touched.
  • I remember the first time he held me in his arms.
  • I remember the morning coffee when we danced together on Sinatra.
  • I remember our first kiss, the one I stole from him with his permission, after all how can you say no to a birthday girl?
  • I remember the first night he slept at my place, my cheek on his chest and his hand around my neck.
  • I remember how his skin felt on my skin and how our bodies fit so perfectly together.
  • I remember the night we danced on Peggy Lee, and I remember wishing that dance would never end.

I remember all these moments that I thought might lead to a love like I’ve never known before. But I was wrong, sometimes beautiful moments do not lead to anything. Sometimes a crescendo ends abruptly when the singer runs out of air. This was a love that died before being born. I know the reasons, I always knew the thousands reasons why we were never meant to be. The fact that we met and had those moments was just sheer dumb luck, a strange and beautiful coincidence caused by our lives intersecting for a short time.

And although my heart is a little bitter, I have those memory to sweeten it up. Life is short, I’ll take any bit of love offered to me, even one that was never meant to be.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Oct 09 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13341.19

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 19:56

I am going through a weird period, I am not in the mood of doing anything. It’s like I’m trying to destroy a part of myself and failing. I do not like my job anymore and have the feeling of wanting to run away. Last week I almost did it. I was just coming back from shopping and instead of going home I just took the highway route and went to the nearest town. There I stopped my car and thought about it for a while. Will somebody miss me? What will my project manager say? What will happen to my cat? And this is where my thoughts stopped. The damn cat. I am sure I could pay some people to take care of her. But  it won’t be me. And she’s my cat, she has been with me for so long. She is so committed to me, and all I give her is food, a roof over her furry head and some hugs and cuddles now and then. I am giving her so little, less than I have ever given to somebody else. And she stuck around. She found me worthy to be around. If I ever leave, I have to think it through and make sure I take her with me. She is hairy and smelly and sometimes annoying, but I love her to bits.

I just came back from karate camp, two days of mediocre food, training and conferences about human energy and such, which I call mumbo-jumbo for short. I did not make any new friends, just brought the ones I had closer.

And now I am back home, I’m behind with the book and totally out of motivation, because … well, I don’t know. I just lack the discipline to get the job done. No idea how to change this state I’m in. If you have any idea, throw some in my direction. K. Thx. Bye!

Stay safe, stay happy!