Oct 10 2016

To the last one that broke my heart

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 12:11

This is your third birthday without me.When we were together I forgot about it twice. The irony is that now that we are not together, I remember it each year. Makes me smile only to think about it.

Now that all the pain is gone, I wish you a happy birthday! May you have a happy day, surrounded by everyone that loves you. Not me though, I’m not part of that team anymore. Actually I really hope all your days will be happy from now on, because you truly deserve it.
Thank you for being part of my life for a little while and teaching me that the priority for me should be me.

Oct 09 2016

A love that never was

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 21:58

I read a long time about a love that never was, a love that died before being born. I do not really remember the context, nor the story, but this expression, a love that died before being born, it stuck with me. As you probably know by now, I have a special interest in love, what it is, when it appears, how, why, is it even real or just another human illusion meant to simulate a purpose for our meaningless lives, etc. But I never thought I’ll have the occasion to match that expression to a situation.

When love is over, all is left is memories. If it ended badly, if the other hurt you, you tend to remember the bad ones. If the split was mutual you remember both, because when it comes to love, things are never black or white. Sometimes everything is quite gray. You will remember a lot of events and actions, but you won’t remember the great sex, the clubbing, evenings with friends and families. You won’t remember anything professional you did together. You will remember the little things. When you remember a love that died before being born, the little things become… not that little. Here is what I remember:

  • I remember his face the first time I looked at him, like really looked. I remember his dark eyes and the wrinkles along his eyes, that made him look older than he was.
  • I  remember the first date, but not quite date, when he burned his tongue with tea and we listened to Nat King Cole in his car.
  • I remember the first song he sent me that gave me the goose bumps.
  • I remember that rainy night when we talked about small things in his car, looking at the city from above.
  • I remember the first time our hands touched.
  • I remember the first time he held me in his arms.
  • I remember the morning coffee when we danced together on Sinatra.
  • I remember our first kiss, the one I stole from him with his permission, after all how can you say no to a birthday girl?
  • I remember the first night he slept at my place, my cheek on his chest and his hand around my neck.
  • I remember how his skin felt on my skin and how our bodies fit so perfectly together.
  • I remember the night we danced on Peggy Lee, and I remember wishing that dance would never end.

I remember all these moments that I thought might lead to a love like I’ve never known before. But I was wrong, sometimes beautiful moments do not lead to anything. Sometimes a crescendo ends abruptly when the singer runs out of air. This was a love that died before being born. I know the reasons, I always knew the thousands reasons why we were never meant to be. The fact that we met and had those moments was just sheer dumb luck, a strange and beautiful coincidence caused by our lives intersecting for a short time.

And although my heart is a little bitter, I have those memory to sweeten it up. Life is short, I’ll take any bit of love offered to me, even one that was never meant to be.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Oct 09 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13341.19

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 19:56

I am going through a weird period, I am not in the mood of doing anything. It’s like I’m trying to destroy a part of myself and failing. I do not like my job anymore and have the feeling of wanting to run away. Last week I almost did it. I was just coming back from shopping and instead of going home I just took the highway route and went to the nearest town. There I stopped my car and thought about it for a while. Will somebody miss me? What will my project manager say? What will happen to my cat? And this is where my thoughts stopped. The damn cat. I am sure I could pay some people to take care of her. But  it won’t be me. And she’s my cat, she has been with me for so long. She is so committed to me, and all I give her is food, a roof over her furry head and some hugs and cuddles now and then. I am giving her so little, less than I have ever given to somebody else. And she stuck around. She found me worthy to be around. If I ever leave, I have to think it through and make sure I take her with me. She is hairy and smelly and sometimes annoying, but I love her to bits.

I just came back from karate camp, two days of mediocre food, training and conferences about human energy and such, which I call mumbo-jumbo for short. I did not make any new friends, just brought the ones I had closer.

And now I am back home, I’m behind with the book and totally out of motivation, because … well, I don’t know. I just lack the discipline to get the job done. No idea how to change this state I’m in. If you have any idea, throw some in my direction. K. Thx. Bye!

Stay safe, stay happy!

Sep 29 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13340.23

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 22:20

In the light of recent events I was thinking why I never stayed friends with my ex-boyfriends. I have people around me that managed to stay friends with their exes and I envy them a little. I always thought myself to be a bad person because I could not stay friends with my exes, but I’m trying to change my mind. I am not a bad person, I’m just not keen on hope. If there is something that I hate quite a lot is hope. Here’s the thing. When a relationship ends is a failure, a failure that one party or both have the hope of fixing. When only one party has the hope, that party feels hurt and guilty of not being able to figure out something to do the fixing. If the relationship did not ended because of some horrendous act of one of the parties, but just stupid context mismatch there are two parties that have the hope. They might even try to rekindle and end up drifting more apart. Hope is toxic. Hope stops you from moving on. Hope keeps you stuck.

If you really care about that person, if you just want to be altruistic, or if you truly are a good person, when ending a relationship, leave no room for hope. Just leave. Break all links. Stop any contact. Just detach from the other person’s life. Stay away. Because any smile, contact keeps hope alive and prolongs the agony and prevents the other from moving on.

If you do this, try to be friends with somebody that loved you, you my dear are a narcissistic asshole. You are not nice, you are not a good person. Stop lying to yourself. But then again, if you are a freaking psychopath, you won’t care, right?

So, dear humans stuck in a friendship with a ex, if it hurts get out of there. You do not owe them anything.

Jul 20 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13229.09

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 22:08

For a long time, when I was young I feared the happy times, those intervals of life when everything is going well better than expected. While growing up I did not have many of those, so when one moment would happen I would grab it and fearfully enjoy it and pray that when it is over I won’t be smacked down into oblivion. I had a long time to grow up and try to understand what was going on.

And it all went back to my mother’s religion, which until my 18th year of life was my religion too. My mother is Romano-catholic, a religion that condemns enjoying life too much. It praises being modest and humble. And when you look at Pope Francis you know that man practices what he preaches. Or at least this was how I saw it. If you dared to be happy about something and you were telling others, it was called bragging and it was definitely a sin. Or this was only in my mother’s head and I guess I’ll never know for sure, because my memories of that time have gotten fuzzier over the years, and being atheist since 29 of September 2001 helped me forget a lot of things related to my mother’s religion.

I_made_thisThe basic idea is, I was scared to enjoy anything because, from what I understood then, if you are enjoying it too much it will be taken away. Also there was this crazy belief, that if you are doing too well, you will burn in hell, because god only tests the people he loves. So if you were rich and nothing bad was happening to you, you would definitely burn in hell.

So I enjoyed a cake I could only buy once every few months because of poverty, but only a little, and always saying thanks to god because, he in his great mercy and love he had for human beings has allowed for me to be there in that moment and enjoy that cake. I would enjoy a kiss then fell guilty about my passion. I would fall in love, then promise that I won’t have sex before marriage (even if I wanted to) and ask forgiveness because in my mind I had already sinned and a sin in your mind is just as terrible as a real one.

It is curious how religion shapes your mind. I am very thankful that my mother’s religion does not require for me to kill people of other religions, or people that seem to be living in sin according to this religion. Or it does not do so nowadays, remember the Inquisition? I was a religious person until that tragic day when the love of my life died, I was the good little girl singing in the quire, always wearing humble clothes, and longish skirts, that accepted everything that happened to her as the will of god, and hoping god has something good put aside for her in the future on the other side. Because I was a poor, normal, sad girl form a sort-of broken family. I couldn’t hope for more. Only when I gave up belief in god I realized I can be whatever I want to be, that whatever waits for me in the future is because I made it happen with my actions in the present. Whether it is, bad or good, I take full responsibility for my actions and for my future.

The reason I wrote all this is that for almost two years now I am on a happy streak. I have my mental ups and downs, but my reality is really really good. It is the longest period of tranquillity I ever had. I am strong, I am fearful and I make things happen for myself and others. I manage to do great things even when I am down, when I feel sad or hopeless. I learned to control my feelings. and now I enjoy my success fully, but deep, deep inside there is a small feeling of fear that when this period will end a tsunami will come.

Oh well, we’ll see what it will be. Together.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Jul 03 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13226.11

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 23:29

My life has been taken over by a state of uncertainty. Lately I have been drifting from day trying hard to keep a routine going. To do my work, to do my outdoor and indoor activities seemed like an effort.

My days have been taken over by a necessity of deep slumber, I feel weary. I get home from work and after a quick shower instead of feeling rested I feel the need to crush in bed. And i sleep, but not really. I just lay there and try to ignore the sounds of the world. Although time seems to be standing still it isn’t. And I wake in the middle of the night and I cannot sleep but there is nothing else I would rather do. So I go back to sleep. I force myself to sleep. And when the morning comes I feel dizzy and worn out as if my tortured slumber never happened. I do not dream, not have nightmares which is good. What would I be dreaming about?

The Australia trip got cancelled. I was supposed to go to Australia in september with these guys, but they needed a group of at lease 15 people. Apparently there were no 15 Romanians in this whole wide country that wanted to go to Australia. It makes me sad as hell, I’m just so disappointment that I do not have words. I knew this was a possibility, but I really, really wanted to go there.

But maybe the cancellation was not such a bad thing. I just discovered this week that I have dental problems again. Big ones. And I will need about two months of treatment, probably surgery and reconstruction. Which will be painful and expensive as hell. Could have been worse, I could have been born in one of the (so called) civilized countries, where dental care is so expensive that people on the equivalent social level as me cannot afford it. So this is one of those cases when being a Romanian is a good thing.

Now I have to reconfigure my vacation time. I also need to finish writing my book. If I find the motivation to write that is, because has left me again. A good friend of mine, told me I might be burned out, that’s why the depression, the lack of motivation.

I might be. What bugs me a lot also is that lately I am feeling the cold stab of loneliness again. I feel the need of somebody stronger than me to hug me and tell me I can do it: I can write, I can code, I can manage my people, I can be happy, I can do anything I want. And this is difficult, because where the heck am I going to find somebody stronger than me?

Anyway, this too shall pass. If it looks like this phase is taking too long, I’ll just contact my psychologist and book a few sessions. It wouldn’t be the first time my mind needs help to understand or fix itself.

Stay safe, stay happy!

By the way: I actually have an algorithm for my stardate. :D

May 23 2016

Near Miss

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 10:41

Some time ago I changed my job. And the new job not only requires that I travel abroad a lot, but it also allows me to go on vacation abroad in the places I always wanted to visit but could not afford to. For a while I kept joking with my friends that I was flying for so long and nothing interesting happened, so I have no turbulence scary story to tell. But last time I came back from Amsterdam, the plane went through some serious turbulence. But as the plane jumped up and down I could feel my heart in my throat and my mind started racing. A lot of weird thoughts and memories were fighting for what could have been the last moments of my consciousness. This is how it went, sort of.

If I die now who will remember me? Will anyone think of me next year, what about the one after that? Will somebody have imaginary conversations with me as I have with Bogdan? Aww damn, I’m not sure I remember where his picture is. I should frame that. If I wouldn’t die now, what else could I accomplish? Sure, I have a wonderful career. I am appreciated and I am loved. I am happy. I have lost and I have gained, but if I don’t die what else is there? Maybe I’ll have a beautiful family someday, maybe I will do something to change the world. Maybe I’ll manage to travel to Mars before I die. I really wanted to be there and make it happen maybe, or at least see it happen, feel it happen. And aside of it all, before I die I really just want to fall in love one more time, truly, madly, deeply, completely. I don’t care if I won’t get to spend the rest of my life with that person. I don’t really care if he or she will not love me, or will hurt me. I just want to meet him or her and just fall in love again.

Oh wait, the turbulence stopped. I’ll go back to reading “Bucky F*cking Dent“. All that other stuff can wait at least until I finish this book. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!