Sep 29 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13340.23

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 22:20

In the light of recent events I was thinking why I never stayed friends with my ex-boyfriends. I have people around me that managed to stay friends with their exes and I envy them a little. I always thought myself to be a bad person because I could not stay friends with my exes, but I’m trying to change my mind. I am not a bad person, I’m just not keen on hope. If there is something that I hate quite a lot is hope. Here’s the thing. When a relationship ends is a failure, a failure that one party or both have the hope of fixing. When only one party has the hope, that party feels hurt and guilty of not being able to figure out something to do the fixing. If the relationship did not ended because of some horrendous act of one of the parties, but just stupid context mismatch there are two parties that have the hope. They might even try to rekindle and end up drifting more apart. Hope is toxic. Hope stops you from moving on. Hope keeps you stuck.

If you really care about that person, if you just want to be altruistic, or if you truly are a good person, when ending a relationship, leave no room for hope. Just leave. Break all links. Stop any contact. Just detach from the other person’s life. Stay away. Because any smile, contact keeps hope alive and prolongs the agony and prevents the other from moving on.

If you do this, try to be friends with somebody that loved you, you my dear are a narcissistic asshole. You are not nice, you are not a good person. Stop lying to yourself. But then again, if you are a freaking psychopath, you won’t care, right?

So, dear humans stuck in a friendship with a ex, if it hurts get out of there. You do not owe them anything.

Jul 20 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13229.09

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 22:08

For a long time, when I was young I feared the happy times, those intervals of life when everything is going well better than expected. While growing up I did not have many of those, so when one moment would happen I would grab it and fearfully enjoy it and pray that when it is over I won’t be smacked down into oblivion. I had a long time to grow up and try to understand what was going on.

And it all went back to my mother’s religion, which until my 18th year of life was my religion too. My mother is Romano-catholic, a religion that condemns enjoying life too much. It praises being modest and humble. And when you look at Pope Francis you know that man practices what he preaches. Or at least this was how I saw it. If you dared to be happy about something and you were telling others, it was called bragging and it was definitely a sin. Or this was only in my mother’s head and I guess I’ll never know for sure, because my memories of that time have gotten fuzzier over the years, and being atheist since 29 of September 2001 helped me forget a lot of things related to my mother’s religion.

I_made_thisThe basic idea is, I was scared to enjoy anything because, from what I understood then, if you are enjoying it too much it will be taken away. Also there was this crazy belief, that if you are doing too well, you will burn in hell, because god only tests the people he loves. So if you were rich and nothing bad was happening to you, you would definitely burn in hell.

So I enjoyed a cake I could only buy once every few months because of poverty, but only a little, and always saying thanks to god because, he in his great mercy and love he had for human beings has allowed for me to be there in that moment and enjoy that cake. I would enjoy a kiss then fell guilty about my passion. I would fall in love, then promise that I won’t have sex before marriage (even if I wanted to) and ask forgiveness because in my mind I had already sinned and a sin in your mind is just as terrible as a real one.

It is curious how religion shapes your mind. I am very thankful that my mother’s religion does not require for me to kill people of other religions, or people that seem to be living in sin according to this religion. Or it does not do so nowadays, remember the Inquisition? I was a religious person until that tragic day when the love of my life died, I was the good little girl singing in the quire, always wearing humble clothes, and longish skirts, that accepted everything that happened to her as the will of god, and hoping god has something good put aside for her in the future on the other side. Because I was a poor, normal, sad girl form a sort-of broken family. I couldn’t hope for more. Only when I gave up belief in god I realized I can be whatever I want to be, that whatever waits for me in the future is because I made it happen with my actions in the present. Whether it is, bad or good, I take full responsibility for my actions and for my future.

The reason I wrote all this is that for almost two years now I am on a happy streak. I have my mental ups and downs, but my reality is really really good. It is the longest period of tranquillity I ever had. I am strong, I am fearful and I make things happen for myself and others. I manage to do great things even when I am down, when I feel sad or hopeless. I learned to control my feelings. and now I enjoy my success fully, but deep, deep inside there is a small feeling of fear that when this period will end a tsunami will come.

Oh well, we’ll see what it will be. Together.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Jul 03 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13226.11

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 23:29

My life has been taken over by a state of uncertainty. Lately I have been drifting from day trying hard to keep a routine going. To do my work, to do my outdoor and indoor activities seemed like an effort.

My days have been taken over by a necessity of deep slumber, I feel weary. I get home from work and after a quick shower instead of feeling rested I feel the need to crush in bed. And i sleep, but not really. I just lay there and try to ignore the sounds of the world. Although time seems to be standing still it isn’t. And I wake in the middle of the night and I cannot sleep but there is nothing else I would rather do. So I go back to sleep. I force myself to sleep. And when the morning comes I feel dizzy and worn out as if my tortured slumber never happened. I do not dream, not have nightmares which is good. What would I be dreaming about?

The Australia trip got cancelled. I was supposed to go to Australia in september with these guys, but they needed a group of at lease 15 people. Apparently there were no 15 Romanians in this whole wide country that wanted to go to Australia. It makes me sad as hell, I’m just so disappointment that I do not have words. I knew this was a possibility, but I really, really wanted to go there.

But maybe the cancellation was not such a bad thing. I just discovered this week that I have dental problems again. Big ones. And I will need about two months of treatment, probably surgery and reconstruction. Which will be painful and expensive as hell. Could have been worse, I could have been born in one of the (so called) civilized countries, where dental care is so expensive that people on the equivalent social level as me cannot afford it. So this is one of those cases when being a Romanian is a good thing.

Now I have to reconfigure my vacation time. I also need to finish writing my book. If I find the motivation to write that is, because has left me again. A good friend of mine, told me I might be burned out, that’s why the depression, the lack of motivation.

I might be. What bugs me a lot also is that lately I am feeling the cold stab of loneliness again. I feel the need of somebody stronger than me to hug me and tell me I can do it: I can write, I can code, I can manage my people, I can be happy, I can do anything I want. And this is difficult, because where the heck am I going to find somebody stronger than me?

Anyway, this too shall pass. If it looks like this phase is taking too long, I’ll just contact my psychologist and book a few sessions. It wouldn’t be the first time my mind needs help to understand or fix itself.

Stay safe, stay happy!

By the way: I actually have an algorithm for my stardate. :D

May 23 2016

Near Miss

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 10:41

Some time ago I changed my job. And the new job not only requires that I travel abroad a lot, but it also allows me to go on vacation abroad in the places I always wanted to visit but could not afford to. For a while I kept joking with my friends that I was flying for so long and nothing interesting happened, so I have no turbulence scary story to tell. But last time I came back from Amsterdam, the plane went through some serious turbulence. But as the plane jumped up and down I could feel my heart in my throat and my mind started racing. A lot of weird thoughts and memories were fighting for what could have been the last moments of my consciousness. This is how it went, sort of.

If I die now who will remember me? Will anyone think of me next year, what about the one after that? Will somebody have imaginary conversations with me as I have with Bogdan? Aww damn, I’m not sure I remember where his picture is. I should frame that. If I wouldn’t die now, what else could I accomplish? Sure, I have a wonderful career. I am appreciated and I am loved. I am happy. I have lost and I have gained, but if I don’t die what else is there? Maybe I’ll have a beautiful family someday, maybe I will do something to change the world. Maybe I’ll manage to travel to Mars before I die. I really wanted to be there and make it happen maybe, or at least see it happen, feel it happen. And aside of it all, before I die I really just want to fall in love one more time, truly, madly, deeply, completely. I don’t care if I won’t get to spend the rest of my life with that person. I don’t really care if he or she will not love me, or will hurt me. I just want to meet him or her and just fall in love again.

Oh wait, the turbulence stopped. I’ll go back to reading “Bucky F*cking Dent“. All that other stuff can wait at least until I finish this book. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!

May 20 2016

Se făcură doi

Category: Miscellaneous,PersonalIuliana @ 21:14

Astăzi se fac doi ani de când sunt singură. Sigur că știți la ce mă refer, nu am un partener romantic, fie el prieten, logodnic, concubin sau soț, cum vreți voi să îi spuneți. Dacă cineva mi-ar fi zis acum mulți ani că voi face parte din categoria domnișoarelor bătrâne probabil aș fi râs și aș fi zis că nu e posibil. Eu însămi acum mai multe de 10 ani o judecam pe una din profesoarele mele de la facultate pentru că era o bătrânică cu voce de copil, necăsătorită, puțin obeză și oarecum înceată. Acum dacă aș putea să mă întorc în timp m-aș plesni puțin. Pentru că vorbea gura fără mine, faptul că am luat 10 la ambele examene ale domnișoarei bătrâne în cauză, e o dovadă clară că am apreciat-o destul cat să iau materia foarte în serios. Doar mâncam rahat împreună cu ceilalți studenți, pentru că simțeam nevoia să mă accepte ca fiind una dintre ei. Pentru că vedeți voi, eu eram o sărăntoacă ce n-avea nici măcar propriul calculator, așa că părerea despre profesoara respectivă mi-a exprimat-o verbal pentru a le demonstra că am ceva în comun cu ei. Da, jenant și ridicol și ce mai vreți voi. N-am stat mereu bine la capitolul încredere în sine.

Trecând peste asta, ani buni cea mai mare teamă a mea a fost să rămân singură. Deja mă vedeam ca profesoara respectivă și ca alte domnișoare bătrâne și penibile și eram terorizată de imaginea respectivă, mai ales că nu am avut niciodată așteptări prea mari de la mine în domeniul carierei. Așa că, dacă urma să fiu mereu mediocră în domeniul de activitate, voiam măcar să am o familie reușită. Adevărul e că e greu să ai așteptări mari de la tine când familia ta este ea însăși una mediocră. Știți care erau așteptările mele de la Iuliana de 30 de ani? Să fie o profesoară bună și respectată de informatică într-o școală de la țară. Știți care erau așteptările minime de la viitorul soț? Să nu bea și să nu mă bată. Da dragilor, putea să aibă un coi în frunte, cât timp ar fi îndeplinit cele două condiții, eu l-aș fi iubit și i-aș fi fost fidelă până la moarte. Așteptările și planurile de viitor devin din ce în ce mai îndrăznețe pe măsură ce cercul social crește și este unul format din oameni din ce în ce mai inteligenți. De asemenea când dai de greu și te descurci singur îți dai seama de ce ești capabil cu adevărat. Și începi să te întrebi: cam câte ai putea face de fapt?

Acum nu îmi mai este teamă să fiu singură. Teama cea mai mare acum este de a mă îndrăgosti și a mă pune iar pe locul doi. Pentru că am ajuns în stadiul în care nu mai simt nevoia să fiu jumătatea cuiva, am ajuns să nu îmi mai pese că oamenii normali din jurul meu mă consideră demnă de milă sau dusă cu pluta. Am ajuns în stadiul în care nu mă mai afectează glumele cu NFDHH.

Dacă mă simt singură? Sigur că da. Am avut iarna ce-a trecut seri în care nu reușeam să mă încălzesc singură în pat, deși eram sub ditamai pilota și pătura. Mi-am luat șosete de ski în picioare, am pornit centrala și am crescut temperatura în cameră, de la 18 la 22 de grade. Sigur că ar fi fost mult mai ușor să mă lipesc de un corp fierbinte și apetisant. Apoi am uneori zile  în care mă întorc de la serviciu spre casă și pentru câteva momente îmi imaginez cum ar fi să mă întâmpine altcineva decât pisica. Și am momente când îmi doresc să gătesc pentru cineva. Sau să vin acasă de la serviciu și să îi povestesc de una și alta chestii care mă frustrează  și persoana asta să știe cum să se comporte cu mine încât să mă ajute să mă detensionez ca să fiu a doua zi un zâmbet și o floare și să nu risc să ajung la conflicte cu colegii. Uneori mă visez ca fiind cea care protejează și joacă rolul ăsta pentru el sau ea. Vreau un partener cu care să fac o echipă puternică, să ne ridicăm unul pe altul și să evoluăm împreună.

Știu ce efort implică o relație. Știu că sunt capabilă de un asemenea efort, dar nu știu dacă vreau să fac asta din nou. Filmele ne arată doar părțile frumoase și amuzante ale evoluției unei relații sau părți dramatice exagerate. Facebook la fel, este ușor să te păcălești că vei întâlni persoana potrivită și vei avea o relație idilică. Mai mult, fără să vrei îți creezi așteptări de genul și ești dezamăgit când lucrurile în realitate nu stau așa. Pe măsură ce timpul trece, unii devin disperați și se implică în relații doar pentru a nu fi singuri. Și uite așa apar miturile că e ok ca nevasta să fie cicălitoare, că bărbatul trebuie să lupte pentru dreptul la berea cu băieții și alte aberații. Și uite așa apar copii care nu sunt fructe ale iubirii ci doar manifestări a doi oameni frustrați, care vor fi crescuți defect și se vor chinui sentimental la fel cum s-au chinuit părinții lor.

Este esențial ca minunata societate în care trăim să accepte că nu toți oamenii sunt la fel. Că e acceptabil orice te face fericit, cât timp acel lucru nu afectează fericirea altuia.  De asemenea odată ce ai fost singur o perioadă bună de timp ajungi să știi cine ești, ce îți place, ce nu, ce poți accepta de la o altă persoană și ce nu. După ce ești singur o perioadă de vreme, când intri într-o relație, nu faci asta din cine știe ce constrângeri sociale sau din teama de singurătate. Desigur asta ține mult și de om. Eu am cunoscut pe cineva care după trei ani era în continuare disperat să nu fie singur. La mine deja sunt doi ani de acum și părerea este aceeași. Nu simt nevoia de a fi într-o relație, cel puțin nu într-o relație cum au fost cele de dinainte. Oricâte perioade de singurătate aș avea, știu sigur că vor trece. De asemenea, cea mai îngrozitoare singurătate nu am simțit-o când am fost singură, ci când eram într-o relație. Singurătatea aia e cea pe care nu vreau să o mai simt în viața mea.

A fi adult nu înseamnă numai să știi cum să iubești și să trăiești alături de o persoană, înseamnă și a ști și a accepta că poate mental nu ești capabil de asta. Mulți dintre noi nu suntem capabili de asta, de aceea sunt atât de puține mariaje fericite. Există niște studii care spun că doar vreo 5% dintre noi au mariaje fericite până la adânci bătrâneți, din alea ca în filme. Nu e ridicol ca 95% dintre noi să ne simțim anormali, nebuni, stricați doar pentru că 5% au avut norocul chior să fie într-un mariaj reușit? Nu e ridicol ca în orice alt context normalitatea e dictată de majoritate, cu excepția ăstuia?

E clar din ce categorie fac parte eu, așa că acum că am ajuns să trec acest prag, aș dori să îmi cer scuze tuturor foștilor bărbați și băieți din viața mea a căror timp l-am irosit pentru a ajunge  la descoperirea și acceptarea faptului că eu nu sunt material potrivit pentru o relație romantică. Sper sincer că dispariția mea din viața voastră v-a adus printre cei 5%.

Stay safe, stay happy!

May 12 2016

Expect the unexpected

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 9:47

I know that I keep promising to make this blog a technical one, but until the second technical book is out, everything technical that I do is related to the book and I am not allowed to make it public until the book is published. So until then, you’ll have to get used to reading only normal things that I think about, normal or not so normal things that happen to me.

The last normal thing that happen to me is that I went to Amsterdam to see David Duchovny  sing. And I had a VIP ticket, first VIP ticket for me, ever. I thought it meant receiving an official CD with an autograph or a place closer to the stage.  Apparently it included more, meaning the possibility to meet him. It was unexpected and I thought for two days what I could say to him. I have always dreamed about maybe meeting him by mistake someday and telling him I loved him in X-Files, Californication and Aquarius,  that I loved his singing and I sort of enjoyed his books. I imagined meeting him in a coffee shop and having a conversation about who we are and what we do. But I never dared to think that I would actually meet him and I had no idea how the interaction will be.

What can you say to your favorite singer or actor? “I love you”? “I want to marry you” ? “You are awesome”?  That is preposterous, because you do not really know the person.  You might know what wikipedia, or imdb, or allmusic says about them. You know a lot about them, but you do not know them. Plus, the stupid things I mentioned before are things that adolescents says, because they easily fall in love with an image and/or a voice. As an adult you cannot say those things without looking ridiculous. And I did not want to seem ridiculous. So, what could a thirty-something old say to her favorite actor? I had no idea.

“You look very good for your age, I really hope that’s not make-up”, that’s what I ended up saying to him. Yeap, not so smart, I know. It was sort of a compliment, but not really. And it definitely was not memorable.  He had a mild cold, and the people in charge of the event told us that he would not speak because he is saving his voice for the show. But he did speak to me, he had to confirm that he was that good looking with no make up on. And I got so mesmerized and sort of embarrassed that I just took the picture with his autograph and wanted to leave. He grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me close to him for the official picture. It was unexpected and daaamn he is strong!  He does have strong hands, but I think he kinda skips the leg day a lot, because he has a small ass and really skinny legs. (hi hi!)

david_and_meWhat you really must know is that this guy is definitely not photogenic. He looks much better in real life than in any of his movies or this picture. Except X-Files, when he was very young, in all other movies he looks trashed and sort of old. But when I was face to face with him, I could not   believe how not his age and fresh he looked. (These Hollywood people are out of this world!)

So yeah, I met David Duchovny and it meant so much to me because, I am  such a meaningless individual, I have started my life from such a low point that meeting my favorite actor was pure fantasy. But I met him, and the reality of the event is confirmed by a picture I have with him that will be printed on photographic paper and be stuck to my fridge next to the one with his autograph. And my future children and grandchildren will be told the story of this insignificant little girl with not many expectations for her future, that grew up to be a significant strong woman that even got to meet her favorite actor. (Even if the interaction with him lasted probably no more than 30 seconds, it still counts, ok ?)

I wish I had the occasion to know him better, but I guess some events in our lives are more meaningful because of how short they are.

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May 03 2016

Everybody lies

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 11:13

everybody_lies_by_ersen_tWe are human, confused and conflicted. We act and think we know why, then we look back and ask ourselves why did we do this or that. Some of us accept the fact that we change, that the reason behind an action does not represent us anymore and if we were to do it all over again, based on the gained experience, sometimes we would choose differently.

But some of us don’t. The core that makes us never changes. Some people have the lie in their blood. They need to get a little creative, to lie just a little to sweeten things up or to make them interesting or dramatic. Or they lie because they are cowards and they try to avoid the consequences of their actions. Or they lie because they are pathological liars, at least these guys have an excuse, they are mentally ill. But some lie because of their narcissism. They hide the true reason of their decisions, because the real reason might make them look small, mean, unkind in the eyes of others.

I know all kind of liars. Until I was 6 years old I was one as well, I was the coward type. I was afraid of the consequences of my actions, so I lied. And I also lied to attract attention. I was a poor child, there was nothing special about me, so I lied about things I read and things I knew. And I  was quite creative too. But a little before or after I turned 6, my parents decided to punish me for one lie. And punished me so bad, that until this day I cannot tell a lie to save my life.

But the worst kind of liar is the one that you think is your friend. A few days ago, by some accident I found out he lied yet again. I guess I could feel the truth, but did not want to believe it until somebody else confirmed it and made it real. I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything different. I already knew he used to lie to other persons important in his life. If I was important, it was only logical for him to lie to me too I guess. And as everything eventually comes to an end, I accepted the fact that this is the end our friendship, although I have my doubts at this point about him ever considering me a friend.

It is a little sad though, day by day, it is becoming more real the fact that I am becoming an adult. The list of friends gets shorter and the friendships that survive the test of years become stronger.

I love you guys.  You know who you are.

Stay  safe, stay happy!