Aug 23 2019

Emotional scars

Category: English posts,Miscellaneous,PersonalIuliana @ 12:02

I know the title seems like this article is going to be one of those annoying medium entries, but it’s not. I promise you, it is not.

I have this way of viewing the world: I don’t think any of us is perfectly sane. I think we are all mad or broken to some degree. We do not live in a perfect world, and since we make up this world, neither are we. I’ve said this before to some people and they took it personally and felt offended. How can I assume they are broken? How do I dare to make them doubt their sanity? I think the worst thing you can do to yourself is to view yourself as being good, normal or whatever positive thing makes you feel good about yourself. Because when you see yourself in this over-positive light you might stop working on yourself and you might become an overly righteous prick. Maybe. I’m not saying it will happen to you. But during my lifetime I’ve met some people that felt entitled to tell me how I’m being wrong, what I’m doing wrong, what is wrong with me and how should I change to be right.

I am not secretive when it comes to my childhood. My parents were not the worst parents, but they were not the best either. My relationship with them was toxic, there was some emotional and physical abuse here and there, and when given the chance at eighteen to leave them behind and going to study in a different town, I never looked back.

The love of my life died when I was eighteen. He was probably the only one even remotely sane person in my life for six years, he always had something good and encouraging to say and he never made me feel like there was something wrong with me.  Him dying was probably one of the worst things that happened to me. One more emotional scar in my collection.

Because of the toxic upbringing and the hole in my heart, I wasn’t able to make the best choices in relationships either. My last relationship, the way I remember it, seems to have been toxic and seasoned with some emotional abuse. It might not sound that bad, but considering that my psyche was not in such good shape when it all started, you can imagine it was not a joy ride.

It took me a long time to understand and accept everything that happened to me. And I realized the consequences all those events had on me.  There are things about me that I will never be able to fix. But despite all that I am a functioning adult. I can hold down a job and I managed somehow to have a lot of friends that are way more sane than I am. I am aware of some things in my character that might be detrimental to others and I keep them under control and warn them beforehand, so they are aware of them and decide if they want to take a chance of being close to me or not.

That is why I am not keeping my struggles secret. I do not want to give anybody the illusion that I am normal(whatever that means). I want people to know I’ve been dealt a really shitty hand, but despite all that I am where I am. If I could hold down a job, train other people to do it, inspire them and make people happy here and there, whatever kind of broken I am, it might be a good thing after all.

Sure, I will never stop working on myself, I will never stop monitoring myself and drag myself to a psychologist if I think I need it. Because I refuse to let my past define me, I refuse to let all this emotional baggage drag me down. I bloomed as a person, despite all that. Sure, I wish sometimes things would have been different, but the past cannot be changed, and I refuse to be bitter because of it.

My parents will never say I’m sorry for being a shitty parent! because in their mind the person I am today is proof that they did a good job. So I accepted the fact that I shouldn’t be expecting that kind of closure.

The only thing I can do is keep blooming. Yes, I have some emotional scars. But honestly, with all that happened to me, it is ridiculous to expect anything else. Even rocks get scratched and chipped. I am sure everybody else has their own scars as well. And because I have mine, I know how to relate to people better. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, right?

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jul 11 2019

Blast from the past(part 6)

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 22:45

Here we are, year 2011. This was a really good year. I had quite an active social life, I was a renown blogger in Iasi. The Iasi blogospere was just taking off and there were a lot of events. The first group of bloggers from Iasi was quite a tight-knit team. We were together a lot during that summer. We were playing basketball and then we were going for a beer twice a week sometimes. The weekends were long and we were walking from pub to pub, sometimes getting home the next morning.

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May 01 2019

Blast form the past (part 1)

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 4:19

In a comment of the previous post I’ve promised to try to add here some pictures from my youth. Since I’ve never been rich, I don’t have many pictures of me from when I was a kid or an adolescent. I actually started to take pictures and save them in 2009, after I found a camera. Yes, found, on the ground, I don’t even remember where. I just know that I found it, it was in bad shape and my boyfriend at the time managed to fix it. Pictures from that time don’t have the best quality though, but they’re better than nothing.

The oldest picture I have of myself is from 2006 (I think). Somebody else took that picture of me, and I did not even know how or why, but he shared it with me later. And since I’m not posting a lot of pictures, I will add what I remember about that time.

In this picture I am 21 years old, I am in the 5th year of faculty, in a city called Iasi, located in the North-Eastern part of Romania. I am wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt and on the wall on my left are dried roses I received from my then boyfriend, let’s call him John, who was a sweet and simple guy, but my friends all had the impression I was out of his league. We were quite an odd pair and  turns out I really was out of his league, but realized it quite late, when things started to go downhill after one year or so of being with him.

There is also a poster of Vile Valo on my wall, I remember keeping it there just because it pissed up my hip-hop listening boyfriend.

The way of keeping my pens from getting lost was quite ingenious and I think I used that system of a piece of hard paper stuck with tape to the wall for years until my pens became too many to keep that way.

The CRT monitor you see is a View Sonic  17″, and I do not remember the model number, but I bought it from a second hand shop and I payed a very low price, but it was pristine. If LCD and LED monitors wouldn’t have become cheaper, probably I wouldn’t have given it up. I don’t remember where that monitor ended up. But now that I remember how good it was I will probably check out and see if the company still exists and what are they selling these days.

And that’s pretty much it.

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Apr 13 2019

My first crush

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 8:14

I’m not sure when I first saw “The never ending story“, but I loved the idea behind it. I cried when Artax, Atreyu’s horse, drowned in Swamp of Sadness, and at the time the analogy for the mental illness of depression was not lost on me. Even if it was not as loved as the first one, I loved “The Neverending Story II” as well. Probably because I had the appropriate age. Bastian was growing up, making mistakes and atoning for them. Bastian was becoming an adult, but learning not to lose his imagination either.

And Bastian was played by Jonathan Brandis that probably was my first crush. I liked his blue eyes, his dimple chin and the way he smiled, by pulling the corner of his left cheek a little harder than the right.

I remember having posters with him on the walls in my room. I definitely had this one.

And then Seaquest happened. I loved that series and I used to wake up at night to watch re-runs. I loved seeing him grow up from a kid into a beautiful young man. The fact that in the series they paired  him at some point with a hacker named Julianna might have been the moment when I decided that maybe being a software engineer is possible for a girl. I was so fascinated with him that I remembered writing letters to some papers asking them to write articles about him and print pictures with him. And they delivered.

I re-watched Seaquest during my faculty years, because I just could not accept that he was dead. He killed himself in 2003. I had access to internet by then and I Googled him from time to time. The news broke my heart, and it was very difficult to explain to my boyfriend at the time why. For him, he was just an actor, one of many. For me, it felt like we grew up together. There are a lot of assumptions about the reasons behind his suicide, and it is so sad to read about it. He was a single child of good decent, hard-working people and I am so sad for his parents, because they must be inconsolable.

Every year, around the time when his birthday would have been I remember him and watch an episode of Seaquest to remember his blue eyes and his voice. And I wonder how he was as a person. What kind of pancakes did he like most? Did he even like pancakes? What did he like to do on Sunday mornings? Which book was his favorite? I dreamed of meeting him one day and asking him all these questions while sharing my own preferred things about this world. I really, really wanted to get to know the man that brought my favorite character from Seaquest to life. But I guess every teenager with a crush of him at the time wanted the same thing.

Rest in Peace, dear Jonathan. I am glad you were part of my life through your work. I only wish you would have stuck around, because we might have ended up meeting one day.

[Later edit] And for all of you fighting suicidal thoughts, just you wait. Things are never as bad as you think, and reality beats movies when things start going right. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was about 10 years old. I made it to 32 and finally won the battle. You will too and there are people willing to help. And feel free to drop me an email if you feel the need to talk about it. Just hang on and stick around, don’t rob someone of the pleasure to meet you.

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Apr 07 2019

Is Spring still relevant?

Category: English posts,TechnicalIuliana @ 13:39

This Friday I’ve had a debate at the company with a colleague of mine which is known to be a straight up genius about the topic in the title. Obviously, I was arguing that Spring is still relevant, and my colleagues was arguing that it is not. How did I end up in this position? Well, since I’ve written so many books about Spring, why not? I’ve written books about how it can be used, explained its under-the-hood internals to others, I could talk to others about it, right? Well, turns out… not really. I am really bad at debates with geniuses, that happened to study computer science. Because I’m an engineer, I’m practical, I get down in the dirt to make sense of things and fix them up. I build things from scratch, and although I do overthink and design things, my overall direction is practicality. And this is what being relevant is for me. Can it make my work easier, faster, stable and can in the end produce revenue? Then it is relevant. So yeah, for me being needed and being useful means being relevant.

For him, being relevant, means change, means driving the domains toward innovation.

And because, our definition of relevant was different, the debate was a cluster-fuck. Funny as hell, but a cluster-fuck nonetheless.

Here is my take on this.

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Mar 05 2019

The case of online harassment and cyber-bullying

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:08

When I was a kid/adolescent, from 6 to 14 years old  I was most of the time the quiet type. I don’t remember many details, or my filters might be distorted by now but I don’t remember bullying being so bad. There were the usual fucked up kids that would say nasty things to you, maybe shove you here and there, but nothing traumatic. At least I don’t view those experience as being traumatic through my now adult eyes. But I do remember crying and asking my mom “why they won’t just leave me alone?” and my mother brushing it off and just saying that I should ignore them. Seriously, I had some intervals in my childhood when all I wanted was to be invisible. Problem with real life bullies is that you cannot ignore them. Ignoring them, only makes them desire to be noticed and be in your way.  With real-life bullying the only two possible solutions are to involve serious adults that will use any tool necessary including therapy for the bully to fix the problems in his or her life that cause violent outbursts or … and you won’t like this probably, become the bully yourself.

But online harassment and cyber-bullying, have much easier solutions. Remove yourself from the medium where the bullying happens, or put your accounts private, or block or limit access to people even trying to be assholes. I know it seems difficult or even impossible, because social networks seem like the place to be for anybody these days, but believe me it is easier than you think. Be brave and detach yourself from anything that hurts you. If somebody would call you on the phone and insult you, you would end their call and block the number, right?  Believe me, you can do the same thing on the internet.

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Mar 04 2019

When real life copies art

Category: English posts,FunnyIuliana @ 1:27

I haven’t been sick too many times in my life, at least not many of the problems I’ve had required me going to the hospital. So I think I can be considered quite lucky. I was hospitalized as a child only once for the treatment of measles. And I remember having a lot of fun. I will never understand why my parents did not leave me in there with a lot of books to keep me occupied. And since I was in a room with four other kids, all with measles we found ways to keep ourselves busy. We had one cupboard with a broken door. I managed to get myself locked in it. I saved the syringes, filled them with water and attacked nurses and doctors from our window. Until we got caught and nurses would not leave the syringes in our garbage bin anymore. And many more. Although sick, I was bored out of my mind and very creative. But I digress.

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