Apr 04 2017

The Default People

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:49

A lot of time I tried to match the pattern of a default life. The first Trainspotting movie told it in a blunt way:

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television.Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning…

 

Of course, the quote is longer and it ends by praising heroin usage. I just kept what fits my post. Most of us that grow in sort-of normal families and are encouraged to follow a development pattern, the same one described in the above quote. Not all parents force you to follow the pattern, but they kinda expect you to and some of them strongly express their disappointment if you fail to follow the pattern. My parents are such creatures, are disappointed in me because I did not follow the pattern. They praised this development pattern so much, that sometimes even I, fall from my passion driven high horse into the muddy waters of disappointment with myself. When this happens I just watch an episode of House, Sherlock or Elementary and then go to sleep. In the morning, the feeling is gone and I get into “planning” a new day mode.

Having a career, job, family, a house with a white fence that you pay monthly for 30 years and parents in law to visit for any holiday is the default mode of this world. It’s nice and it’s comfy. It is expected and it is praised.

I think I’ve always been a glitch. If I look back and analyze my past, a lot of things never made sense. I made unexpected decisions and I always seen the world differently than 99% of my peers. I felt like a misfit for this. I had low self-esteem and went to a psychologist to try to understand what is wrong with me.

I kept expecting frustrations related to me not being able to follow the development pattern to grow proportionally with my age, but as time passes I embrace more and more the anomaly that I am. I learn to appreciate the strong points and make them even stronger. Sure, I will probably never have a mate and never share my genes with the world, but my legacy will be in every developer I train, in every book I write and every person I help grow personally and professionally.

I’m not sure how much my memory will last, but in the end, the entire universe gets born and dies without reason or purpose. We are all dust in the wind, and when I will turn to dust, that is a pattern I will finally be able to match.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Mar 05 2017

Always late to the party

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:36

In Romania, we have an expression that goes like this: “Never run after women and never run after trains. Others will always come.” This also means, that if you missed your train, no matter how much you run, you will not catch it.  In English you have a similar, but shorter expression to describe people that miss their moment, “The ones that are always late to the party.

I am one of these people. Since I’ve been born I was always late to the party.

My first love died and never got to tell him how I really felt.

The second is happily married with a 5 or 6 year old kid that has his eyes. He probably does not know how much he meant to me either.

The third, well I could not have made it to that party unless I was born 20 years ago, because he is a lot older than me.

The forth, he’s either married, or he has given his heart to somebody else such a long time ago, that it does not belong to him anymore. I really do not want to know at this point.

I usually do not care. When I start caring, I become weak. I lose sleep and my imagination tries to compensate for the sadness of not being loved back, by giving me weird dreams. I turn to logic and try to turn cold. I hide behind my glasses and behind the awkwardness of my introvert nature. And I dive deep into work, I dive deep into sport. I make myself physically and mentally tired so I cannot think of my feelings anymore. I keep myself busy so I do not have time to think about feelings. I ignore them until they disappear, or turn into lesser versions that do not have the power to hinder my judgement.

Sometimes I lie to myself that what I’m doing is actually working on myself, becoming a better person, because I will meet him one day and he deserves to meet the best version of me. But sometimes, all my work and all my effort seems so pointless. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for an imaginary lover that I might never meet, or miss him by a few hours, or years. Because that is how I roll, apparently.

I’ll just have to wait for the next party. Or train. Or man. Unless I die until then. And if I die, there’s not much loss anyway. We are all born and die without a reason or purpose, in a  few generations there will be almost no trace of the real us anyway. I’ll find comfort in my loneliness and pain, and I will use them as fuel to move forward. No idea towards what or whom.

And meanwhile, life goes on, the sun keeps shining.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Feb 27 2017

Iuliana’s log, stardate 13312.16

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:44

I wanted to write something for a while, but stuff kept getting in the way. Since the last time I wrote something here’s what I did. I went to Fosdem, I started working on my new book,  registered to a hardcore fitness program called Limitless and got sick. And that’s about it. Let me tell you about each of these.

Fosdem was as boring as it was last year. Thank god for the waffles, the beer and the stickers, because presentations were not that catchy. OReilly’s was there selling books at really small prices. I don’t think I’m going next year. Fosdem presentations might be interesting for a high-school or university student, but for a software architect with more than 10 years of experience and technical author, not so much. I actually told my co-workers that most probably Fosdem won’t be interesting until I will hold a presentation there. ;)

The new book, I might have mentioned that, is Spring Pro, the 5th edition. I am modifying the sources wrapping them up together into a multi-module Gradle project. I will try to add code samples with everything new introduced in Spring 5 and I hope to send the manuscript on the 31st of August. I don’t know what else can I say. I have already submitted the first three chapters, so I think the book will happen.

The fitness program, well that was a long time coming. I do not have a weight problem, I have an agility and resistance problem. So I don’t think it would be that bad to lose some weight and get fit. I’m in the second month of Limitless and I love it. It gets me so tired that I just take a shower and go directly to sleep in the training days. And I learned to eat more and healthier.

When I left for Fosdem I felt a little uneasy, but I could not quite pinpoint the cause. The first night in Bruxelles made it obvious though. I had a few periods of fever over the night and I woke up with a head-ache. I decided to try to suck it up and fix it when I will get home. So I made the effort and almost succeed. Almost, because when coming back, I did not feel comfortable driving from Cluj to Sibiu. Anyway, I got back home, and although I felt a little light-headed, I thought it will pass. Then my throat started hurting, and it kept on for three days. And when I put my head on the pillow, the cough started. I tried anything for that, but still manage to only sleep 2-3 hours per night. I got pills, I worked from home and on Saturday morning after a few sauna sessions, I was standing next to my car, looking at the sun and smelling the spring air. The sun was shining, the spring was coming and I could breathe easily. On Sunday I woke up with difficulty to breathe. It felt like there was something pressing my chest. And it was not the cat at this point. Went to the doctor, got antibiotics. Three fucking weeks of antibiotics! At the end of the first week I felt way better. And then my throat started hurting again. And I had a runny nose, because why not? So yeah, apparently it is possible when you are full of antibiotics for a cold, to just catch a different cold virus. Every time I get a cold, I keep thinking, how the hell are we supposed to heal HIV and cancer, when we cannot design a vaccine to cure the cold viruses? And the irony in all this? I am so paranoid about getting a cold that I’m usually very careful: I take vitamins, I eat healthy and I get out of the house dressed according to the season. I am the last person you would expect to catch a cold. But here I am, I’ve been cold since the 3rd of February and it is not over yet.

I am now writing from Frankfurt. I am here for an important meeting and I have an uneasy feeling. I had it all week. No idea why. I hope nothing will go wrong.

Stay safe, stay happy!

 


Jan 27 2017

The one with the password

Category: English posts,TechnicalIuliana @ 21:14


Today I made the internet go crazy by posting a picture of my desk. You would wonder, how? Was I naked on top of it? Was somebody else naked on it? Was my cat on it? Well… no. See for yourself.

The first reason was because there were some nail clippings on it. Somebody called them “gross”. Because nail clippings are gross nowadays apparently. For me, they are gross only if I know for sure if the nail was stuck in the ass first, otherwise they are just pieces of keratine. But that’s just me, I know a little anatomy and there are not many things I can consider gross about the human body. If you think I have a habit of clipping my nails and using my desk as a clippings collector, allow me to explain. On the bottom right corner there is a leather container, that is my manicure set. I was fixing a nail, while reading Cetin.ro, and he asked for a picture of our desks. I did not think too much, Cetin wants, Cetin gets.

The second reason is that my router password is there. I did not “not notice it”, nor forgot about it. And I assure you I am not stupid either. I just snapped the picture and thought about blurring the router password for about 1 second. But what would have been the use? The router can only be accessed if you are connected to the network already and I don’t have a real IP, nor a publicly available passwordless wireless. So I uploaded the picture on imgur and hell broke loose.

There were a lot of considerate people too, that notified me about the password and one of them, a security expert, he actually expressed his concern that I might have used the password somewhere else, and maybe somebody could use it to hack me. Rest assured guys, the router password is unique. The reason is on that post-it is because I only used it once, when I set up the router.

And there is another thing that got the internet interested: the 696969 number. :D (I know what you are thinking about)  I won’t tell you what’s that was for, but indeed it was a password for something at some point. No I  do not usually use kinky passwords. Or maybe I do. You will never know that either.

So, are we cool internet?

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jan 24 2017

The best person in my life

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:43

What person came into your mind when you read that title?

For me it is simple, the best person in my life is me. Call me selfish, but nobody else came into my mind. And thinking about past me, I think my situation is better now.

I grew up in a defective family, raised by cold and uncommunicative parents. So in adulthood I always tried to win somebody’s love and appreciation, and I always seemed to choose persons that were not interested in giving those to me. The more they rejected and treated me badly, the more I tried to change that. My psychologist said that there are two reasons why I did it: because the rejection was familiar or because I am trying to reconstruct my family life’s story and give it a different ending. I can tell you for sure that I do not like being rejected, and if I am being rejected I react by turning cold and shutting those persons out of my life, sometimes quite unexpectedly and brutally. So, obviously I’m the second type of damaged, the one that tries and tries and tries for a different ending. Or I used to be, because now that I know what kind of damaged type I am, I can compensate.

I used to have low self esteem, well I still do have it sometimes, but at least now it is not a constant thing. Having low self esteem unfortunately leads to looking for external sources of validation. People with low self esteem look for strength, motivation, happiness and identity in others. They find a person and set on its shoulders the responsibility of becoming the planet that they gravitate around. Psychologists call these persons co-dependents. The person they gravitate around is called an enabler.  I think in the past I have had co-dependent tendencies. But in my case they always clashed with my survivor’s nature. That is why, when given the proper condition to finally to take over, my survivor’s instinct took over and became the funding of the present me.

In this world there are truly remarkable people, some of them have already died, some of them are currently alive and not many know about them and some are always waiting to be born. If you are lucky enough to meet one of these people you should look up to them as a role-model, you should learn from them, you should admire them, but never make them the center of your existence. Take what is great about them and try to mimic it within your own personality, but be careful not to get attached to them as a person. Because a great mind, holds within it just as much craziness and sometimes the person as a full might not be at all pleasant or good natured. Just like anything else in this world, humans are not fully good, nor fully bad, they are a mix. That is why, the best person in your life should be you, because that is the only one that you can shape and control to quite a high degree.

Our mind can never be shared. You can share your thoughts, but never be sure you interpret them correctly yourself. The hideous truth is that we are born and we die alone, that is why even if you have friends and lovers, the best person in your life should be you. You should trust, love and respect yourself, because you can never rely on others to do that for you. You do not have to do it all the time, you are allowed timeouts of low self esteem and crying for no reason, but never allow others to treat you worse than you treat yourself. Never rely on anyone else to make you happy or feel complete. Because all people have faults and they will probably make mistakes. And never dedicate all your efforts to “fix” or make somebody else happy. Because another hideous truth is nobody owes you anything and you do not owe anybody else anything either. I’m not saying you should be selfish, but you should make sure not to forget about self preservation. We are all  doing our best here to have a life well lived at the end of our days.

Sometimes it will hurt, sometimes you will be so happy you will think you do not deserve it. This is life, move on, get over it. Just keep living.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jan 22 2017

The universe has a sick sense of humor

Category: English postsIuliana @ 16:35

There is a post somewhere around here in which I’m saying that this year, I will do this and that, but especially I won’t be writing any books this year. So here I am, starting to learn German, starting to learn guitar, starting to do more sports planning for a year of travels and self improvement. And an email from Apress arrives containing an offer for me for a reviewer position. So I’m thinking, extra money never hurt anybody, and reviewing other authors’ job is not that time consuming, so I should be able to do it, right ? So I reply that yes I want the position. The contract is sent to me, it’s a typical one, I sign it and I go around doing my stuff.

On Thursday night, I receive an email containing details regarding my job as a reviewer. The email was mentioning files and deadlines and it was late, I was tired and I did not understand why should I decide deadlines, because I’m not the main author. Wrong! Apparently I am the main author for the 5th edition of this book: Pro Spring. Fuck My Life! How did I get myself into this?

So yeah, apparently I will be writing another book, even if at the end of previous year I decided I will never do this again, because it is time consuming and I want to be able to go out and learn other things and read and maybe have some sex… Oh bloody hell…

I think there is a saying about my situation: if you want to test the power of the universe, just make plans. I did make plans. Now I have to change them, re-compute the priorities.

And when I was beginning to think my life will be boring this year. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!


Jan 21 2017

My own Git meme

Category: English posts,TechnicalIuliana @ 19:30

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