Dec 17 2016

Iuliana’s log, stardate 13351.18

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 20:44
  • I was mentioning to a friend that every two weeks or so I cry because of loneliness.  So he said I should get out and meet someone, get married so I won’t cry anymore. But… actually, there is no warranty that the crying will stop. What if I make a mistake, and choose to stick to a person that makes me cry from a different reason. What if I still feel lonely? How will I explain to that person that I feel sad and alone and it’s not because of him and also, that he cannot do anything about it? So yeah, I don’t think I want the most important reason that I will marry to be that I want to feel less alone. Because loneliness is not something that you feel only when you do not have a partner in your life, loneliness is something you feel when you are misunderstood, when you just don’t fit in a certain group as well. And you can also feel alone when you are not at peace with yourself.
  • My second book is so close to being published that it scares me. It scares me because I will have less work to do. I will come back from work and have the time to read a book, go biking or hiking or go out into the city or around the city. And when all the books are done, all the bike tracks have been exhausted, and all the pubs visited… what will I do then? And while doing all these things, where will my mind go? This is the part that scares me the most, because my mind likes the dark.  My mind has already started to drift to places where it shouldn’t. I try to keep her at bay, but with so little work left to do it has already started analyzing what the future might have in store for me, what dreams may come. And it is scary, because aside from work, there are so many things I kept on stand by for so many years, that it is really difficult to start on them now. And him, I can’t stop thinking of him. And it’s not even love anymore, I do not yearn for his presence, the thought of actually meeting him scares me. I just remember some moments, I try to remember how his voice sounds and I really, really hope he is doing really well and he is evolving mentally to a stable and beautiful character. If you know where I can find a tutorial about how to forget somebody and stop thinking about them, let me know. I’ll be very generous with the reward. ;)
  • This week, I’ve been delegated to Frankfurt. I had the occasion to meet a lot of new people and to interact with my colleagues in a more non-professional way, at the Christmas party. It was a really nice party, but I was reminded again that I really have to work on my social skills, because in a big group of people I feel like whale in a sea of sand. I think I could manage being in a big group of people if nobody would know me, but when a lot of people know me, that’s a problem. Actually, more than one problem. Problem number one: I know them and they know me, but we are in a different environment than usual and I do not know what is accepted as normal behaviour and what is not. Should I go say “hi!”, should I try to engage in a conversation, should I just let them come to me? Because Germans are weird people, they have the ability from switching between personal and professional very easy and I have no idea sometimes what context causes the switch.  Problem number two: they know me, but I do not know them. This year I have given a few presentations at company level and apparently one of them was quite memorable. So my German colleagues know me, but I do not know them. And they come to me to say hi, and they talk to me like I should know who they are and I get embarrassed because I don’t and try to remember if I ever met them in person and if I should know them and maybe I seem like an asshole to them.  So yeah, that is why in a large multinational group  I need alcohol, because I need to turn off that part of my brain that thinks about how intercultural clashes can be avoided and what should I say so I don’t look stupid or inconsiderate.
  • I keep thinking about buying an apartment, it is not an easy task and it will require a lot of time and paperwork and money, obviously. The problem is, people are assholes or if they are not really being paid by how well they are doing their job, they do it in a precarious manner. The real estate agent I contacted to view an apartment, did not reply my last email, the one containing all the questions from my architect friend. Because I won’t buy an apartment that she does not approve of. And if her questions will remain unanswered, I won’t even consider buying the apartment. It’s quite simple.
  • I am coming back from Frankfurt with two big bags of black mushrooms and a bag of Wakame algae. I simply love these things.
  • I realized that people like to put labels on everything, including people and they desire to be labeled themselves. No idea why, but oh well…
  • I bought some souvenirs from Frankfurt for a few of my friends and I realized,  when it comes to my male friends I have no idea what to buy them. Women are easy: books, perfumes,  massage oils or simply funky socks will do. But men… men are a whole different matter. And if you want to prove them that you care about them, you should care about the gifts, you should know what to buy them… But I do not know because my social skills and inspiration when it comes to this are like my surgery skills. Totally missing.
  • It has been a full week and I can barely wait to get home. I want to sleep within my own sheets, I want to smell the mountain air of Sibiu and I want to drive my new car. And I want to start running again because my left foot is starting to misbehave again.
  • I wanted to do so many things next year, but I realized that I have to prioritize. So here’s the list of TODO’s  for next year:
    • learn German
    • learn to play guitar
    • go to US on vacation (visit Smithsonian, Big Cat Rescue reservation and go to a John Mayer concert, if I could meet him, that would be awesome too)
    • get certified as a Spring Architect

Stay safe,  stay happy!


Dec 15 2016

Hate has no place here

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 19:55

I do not take crap from people. Not in real life, not on my blog. But I used to. I thought if I ignore people, of if I try to explain to them that their behavior is unacceptable maybe they will stop. But people who emotionally abuse other people will never grow their empathy and they will never understand. Life is too short and I’ve lived more than 30 years allowing others to tell me who I am, who I should be, what should I do or not do, what should I think, what is wrong with me and what is right with me. I did not have good enough parents to invest in my character and build me up so I had to do that myself. Sure it took longer than it should have, because weak people prey on people weaker than them and I have had plenty of those in my life. But I also have good friends, people that appreciate my gentle nature, my blunt honesty and my impulsive actions, that forgive my wrong doings because they know they are not intended to hurt, but to help.

If somebody criticizes me, first I try to figure out if that person has valid arguments. If they do, I take that into account. I take pride in being a very open minded person that tries to keep her mind in continuous growth. I can’t grow and improve if I don’t know what I do right or wrong. And I can’t evaluate myself objectively, when I’m the subject of the evaluation. That is why I listen to criticism, I analyze it and take it into account. But if you criticize me, you’d better have valid arguments and you’d better give me a chance to defend and explain my point of view.

If you start throwing shit at me because you are pissed off, because of something you think I did to you or some action of mine that you interpreted in the worst way possible, then do not be surprised if I ignore you or give shit right back to you. Although these days I am quite chill and I found out that giving shit to people is quite mentally consuming. Plus, it doesn’t really help. Nobody ever changed their mind or character because somebody gave them shit. The only thing that changes is their opinion about that person.

The advantage of managing your own blog is that you can make all the decisions. So I decide if I want certain comment or discussions on it. I do not keep comment exchanges that do not bring any value to this blog, I try to keep only constructive ones. Personal opinions about who I am, how attractive or unattractive you consider me do not have their place here. If you still think you are entitled to have your opinion on this site, just because comments are allowed, you are dead wrong.

And regarding attractiveness, since this is what got this post started, we are all different. Let’s make an analogy here, let’s consider a person’s attractiveness a sorting algorithm. There are many sorting algorithms, each of them has a worst case scenario for complexity and a best case scenario. There is not one sorting algorithm that gives the best results on any possible array. That’s why we have them all and we use them in the cases suitable. Nobody can put a label and say who is attractive and who is not, because we are not all the same, even the way we perceive reality is different. I do not want to start a wide discussion about this, but the fact that we are all different obviously means that our parents were different too. And whether they were considered attractive or unattractive by some percent of the population, they still got together and passed on the DNA. Humanity is part of nature. And nature is not a closed and fixed system. Anomalies happen. Beautiful or otherwise. And the attractiveness or unattractiveness of a person does not really matter. Because what it matters in this world are pheromones. No matter how you look like, if they are in sync with your interest, beautiful stuff will happen.

And damn… I cannot believe that in this day and age, when we know so much about the chemicals produced by our brains, about psychological processes affecting how we see other people, about mental compatibility, there are still people that are so narrow minded that they use attributes as “ugly” and “unattractive” to describe a person. And more than that, they use those words as stones to try to put people down. What the fuck is wrong with this world? What the fuck is wrong with you? (You know who you are, and this is the last time and the last words I waste to try to make you understand that your hate has no basis, purpose or consequence on me and you should find something else to direct your energy towards. Also, go get some professional counseling, it might help with your resentment over imaginary things.)

 

Stay safe, stay happy!


Dec 15 2016

The suckers for pain chain

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 15:38

I am over 30 years old. I have a lot of friends that did not find “the one”, just like me. Their families are sad for them and try to set them up with family friends or new colleagues, not even considering that maybe, just maybe they are happier alone.

Talking with somebody a few days ago, I realized that the most unhappiest times of my life happened when I was in a relationship. I had the most low self esteem when somebody else did not like me, or treated me badly and I tried to find faults in my self to justify their behavior. Because they loved me, so if they treated me badly, it must have been something I did wrong, or something I said that made them punish me, right? Yes, communication was the problem, obviously, but you live and you learn.So if you are wondering why am I not so eager to give somebody that much power over me, now you have the answer.

People are so focused on finding someone, falling in love, just being with someone, that they do not consider how to stay in love, how to stay with that someone. Because, make no mistake, falling in love is easy. All it takes is some chemistry and some jokes and nice smiles. And there you are. But staying in love, still finding things to love about a person after they have become so familiar that you don’t mind smelling their farts anymore, that’s a challenge. But this post is not about how to fall in love and stay like that. I am not the person to write about this, after all. Because in love and relationships is not like in a professional carreer, being in love many times and being in a relationship many times, does not make you an expert in these two. Having experience when it comes to love and relationships, does not make you an expert, on the contrary it makes you a failure.

This post is about how we love people that do not reciprocate and how this links us in a suckers for pain chain. I met a while ago a guy that I fell in love with. He has been hurt by somebody he loved very much and if I’m right, some leftover feelings for the lover before me, prohibited whatever could have been between us. I still think about him, although I haven’t seen him for a while. Meanwhile, there is one or two guys having me in their thoughts, but I can’t brin g myself to think about them while my thoughts are flying to somebody else.

There is a Romanian song about the suckers for pain chain, the lyrics go like this: “She still loves me, like I love you, and like you love him/ She does not know, that you no longer know nothing of me/ She thinks everything is the same”.

Why do we do this? Why the lovers we are not meant to be with, inspire in us such lust, such yearning that there is nothing left for the lovers truly deserving our attention? Are we really just suckers for pain? Why is that? Temptation of the forbidden fruit? We all love a challenge so much? Or is it easier to cry for somebody not meant for us, than trying something with somebody that could actually stay? Are we all cowards?


Dec 11 2016

În convalescență

Category: English posts,Romanian postsIuliana @ 15:45

Dacă mă citiți des ați observat că de câteva zile acest blog a fost cam … inaccesibil. Dacă interacționați des cu mine ați observat probabil că am fost cu curul în sus din cauza asta. Motivul este că instanța Amazon pe care este hostat a luat-o razna așa că am fost nevoită s-o rad și să creez alta. Desigur asta după investigații nenumărate și ceva schimburi de opinii pe forumul celor de la Amazon, unde mi se spunea că de vină este serverul Apache care nu răspunde, când de fapt și conectarea prin ssh la ea dura 1 minut. Era ca și cum instanța ar fi fost la dracu în praznic sau ca și cum aș fi avut internet prin modem.

Acum treaba e oarecum rezolvată. Pentru moment, deci blogul poate fi considerat în convalescență. Trebuie să mai adaug setările prin care wordpressul devine nehackuibil  prin metodele clasice și gata. Oricum, wordpressul mă scoate de ceva vreme din minți așa că îmi voi face cadou de Crăciun o platformă de blogging scrisă exclusiv în JavaScript. Și dacă voi fi mulțumită de ea, poate o voi da și altora. :)

Și cum se poate observa am reînceput să scriu în română. Motivul este desigur faptul că dacă tot critic atât de mulți oameni pentru gramatica lor de baltă, măcar să le arăt și cum se scrie corect românește, nu de alta dar trebuie să învețe și ei de undeva. :P

Acestea fiind zise, arunc ultimele lucruri în bagaj și o tai spre Frankfurt pentru un brainstorm pe teme de optimizare a consumului de memorie și a doua petrecere de Crăciun.

Și un concert Zaz. Life is good.

[English version]: Convalescence

If you read me often you might have noticed that my blog has been down for a few days. If you interact with me often you probably noticed I was pissed off because of this. The reason behind the blog being down is that the Amazon instance decided to go crazy on me so I had to terminate it and build a new one. This of course after countless investigations and some technical exchanges on the Amazon forum, where people kept saying the Apache server is to blame, when even connecting through ssh took more than one minute. It was as if the instance was hosted on a server on the moon maybe or if I had old-style modem internet.

As you can notice I also started writing in Romanian again. The reason for this is, if I keep criticizing the grammar of the people I interact with, I might also give them a source of proper Romanian grammar so they can improve theirs.

Now the deed is done, the new instance is up and running. For the moment, the blog can be considered convalescent. I have to add the settings to prevent common wordpress hacks and then all will be ok. Anyway, wordpress is getting on my nerves so for Christmas I’ll give myself as a present a blogging platform fully written in JavaScript(yes, server-side too). And if I’m satisfied with it I’ll even share it with the world. :)

This being said, I’ll throw the last things needed in my luggage and off to Frankfurt I go, for a brainstorm with my colleagues on memory consumption optimization topics and the second Christmas party. :D

And a Zaz concert. Life is good.

Stay safe, stay happy!

 


Nov 23 2016

2016 did not suck for me

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 11:45

In the last episode of John Oliver’s “Last Week tonight”, a lot of people were asked to say why 2016 was a bad year. And a lot of them mentioned Brexit and Trump becoming president.

Up until last night I had the same impression, that 2016 was a sucky year for me. After all, I crashed my car and fell in love with somebody that did not reciprocate. But last night looking at this beautiful woman on stage and listening to her words about love and power and everything that’s good an pure in this world, I managed to change my mind. 2016 was a great year. Sure I had about four unhappy events and one of them affected my finances seriously. But other than that, I am healthy, I am strong and I have great friends. What more could I want from life? Love? I already have it, if I add up all the love my friends feel for me and all I the love I feel for them it amounts to the exact quantity of love I need to be happy.

And obviously now, here’s the reasons 2016 was a great year. (and the fun part is that it hasn’t ended yet)

  • Although my schedule was so full because of the book, I got to see my friends form The Netherlands this year too.
  • I went to the first open source conference: Fosdem.
  • I was promoted to Software Architect, two years later than I estimated after finishing the faculty, but still good nonetheless. :D
  • I started doing karate.
  • I moved my blog to iuliana-cosmina.com, there is no way around it now, my online persona ad the real one are truly connected now.
  • I made a great friend in the weirdest place, in the past of my ex-boyfriend. :D
  • I finally found the perfect amplifier for me:Marshall  Acton
  • I met my favorite actor and now author and singer, David Duchovny.
  • I went bungee jumping.
  • I fell in love and had some beautiful moments with my love interest. Why is this so awesome? Because I thought this would never happen to me again. I mean, I considered myself to old for romance and flirting. I never though I’ll get to feel platonic love again.
  • I managed to revisit Dublin and had the honor of visiting Scotland(that I fell in love with) with two people I can now call friends.
  • I got my third tattoo. You’ll get to see a pic.. someday.
  • I got to listen to Akua Naru sing live. It was dreamy, mesmerizing, hypnotizing, magical. She truly is a black magic woman. Also my brains had its occasion to show off its farts again. When I meet someone I admire, my brains defaults to stupid mode. Last night I met a complex artist, a poet a singer and an activist for women’s and for black people rights: Akua Naru. I met her after her concert and she was so nice and she knows a few Romanian words. All I could say to her was that she was amazing. Why say to her that I love her powerful and smart lyrics that perfectly combine with the soul healing music she’s making? Why tell her all that, when you can just say “you’re amazing” like you are a stuck vinyl on pickup machine? Sometime I think my brains is sabotaging my social skills just for fun of it. As for the concert… I cannot describe that to you. The concert hall was designed to make Jazz sound great. I loved every minute of it.
  • I’m getting a new wonderful car, that I chose and configured.
  • I also spent one week in Vienna.(actually I am still here now)
  • My second book is getting published.

Probably I’ll have to go over this again and add some more, because there are still a few days in this year and who knows what wonderful things can happen?

As for the bad things? Some teeth problems, my heart almost got broken (the key word here is “almost”) and I had a freak accident that left me without a car. But, all is well that ends well.

Why this post now, when the year is not over yet? Because I have a good day and because I feel blessed and thankful. Moving to Sibiu was the best decision I made so far. I made some great friends. I did things that I wanted to do for a lot of time and things that I had no idea I wanted to do. My memory board is getting filled with anchors for those memories. This blog is getting populated again and I might say popular. Life is good. All is well with the world.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Nov 21 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13347.12

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 13:07

This week I am working from Vienna. Why? Because I can.

Facts are as follows: I wanted to go to an Akua Naru concert. The concert is on Tuesday 22 November. I am out of vacation days and also Vienna is amazing, so I got to thinking. What if I go there and work from that office? Because the company I work for has an office there. A quite nice office actually, in the bloody city center at almost the last floor of a cool office building. Because that’s how this company rolls.

So plane tickets were easy to find. Accommodation? Airbnb of course. Not the best conditions, but not the worst either. It is acceptable for 21 euro per night. Honestly all I need is my own clean room and a bathroom with hot water. But I got a bonus of two lovely cats that take turns sleeping with me and a stupid pudel that I totally loath. I like all animals, but these small dogs that always need attention and bark their asses off if they do not get it, they get on my nerves.

This pudel is annoying not only because it always barks, and jumps on everyone, it also does something else. When left alone in the house it shits and pees everywhere. Well not everywhere, just in places where somebody could step into without looking. For example, today it decided to pee in front of my room just to protest that I would not let it inside the room.

And, no idea if the owner has her nasal sensors burned from all the dog pee (or cocaine, maybe? I’m just saying…), but the whole house stinks no matter how much she cleans. And she tries very hard, she has a full closet full of cleaning products… that do well… not much. No idea if she is some new-age all bio enthusiast, but that house needs a full cleaning with something based on chlorine and industrial alcohol. So on my way to work, this is what I did, bought some hardcore disinfectant. And by all means tonight I’m going to sleep in a room smelling clean god dammit. And try to teach her what needs to be done as well.

I have a cat and I know people tend to get used to familiar smells. Yes, even cat pee smell can become familiar, because your brain loathes it so much it tries to protect you from discomfort by ignoring it all together. That is why I clean after my cat daily and my house is filled with perfumed devices and perfumed candles. To make sure I always smell something nice so when I get close to her toilet I feel it immediately if it even starts to stink. I’ve had room mates and I did a huge effort to make them feel comfortable with having a cat around. So I’ve had practice. But cats are easy, because by their nature they are really clean and they don’t shit where they eat. Dogs are another matter, they even eat their own shit, so you can’t have too much expectation form them. So they require a lot of care. And if you are not able to provide that care … well you end up with a stinking house.

My friends told me that I should give her a bad review on Airbnb, but I can’t do that. This woman looks like she really needs the money and she is really really hospitable and really nice. She is clearly trying. She just has this problem with the dog and I will make sure to try to talk to her before I go. Because, maybe she really does not understand how serious this is.

Commuting to work should be ok. I have a bus, connecting perfectly with a metro. If traffic is not horrendous. Which during the week it is. I have to walk 15 minutes to the bus. If I estimate the time correctly I get to the bus station shortly before the bus arrives. The bus should take 10 minutes to the metro station, but during the week it takes 20 minutes. Let’s add 5 minutes for the walk between, bus station and metro. Than add another 30 minutes with the metro and add 18 minutes walk to the office. Because the metro station that is closer to the office is under repair, and the metro does not stop there. So, to get to work in the morning I need about 1h and a half. Compared to the 15-20 minutes it takes me at home this is … bad. Like, really bad. If I were to move here and not afford an apartment closer to the city center, and I would not because I’m not fucking royalty, I would lose 2 hours of my life daily. And this is dead time, because back home I used this time for personal development or just relaxation, which make my mind work faster and better. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move to a big city again. Big city life is just not for me. It’s nice from time to time, but fuck no. I love the comfy, slow and relaxed life I have in Sibiu.

And I know what you are thinking, what kind of job does she have that she is allowed to blog during the work time? Well… I am waiting for some threads to execute and monitoring the memory consumption, so no I’m not slacking, I’m actually working. For real.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Nov 20 2016

Aus den Augen, aus dem Sinn

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 21:16


Out of sight, out of mind

Facebook and all other innovative means of communication make it impossible to forget somebody and let wounds heal. Because they are never out of sight. I scroll my FB messenger for a friend and see the window with the last conversation we had. And I can’t stop to go over it, just to remind myself that it really ended and how it ended, to remind myself that I should probably never talk to him again. Unless he says something first, that is. I still have him as a Facebook friend, I wanted to be mature and prove myself I could do this, keep a way of contacting him and rely on my determination to not actually do it.

The sad thing is that I though I was infatuated, I thought I liked him so much because I was lonely for so long that I totally got stuck on the first person that showed me some attention. I really hoped by not seeing him in person and not talking to him would make my mind stop thinking about him. I really thought what I felt was not real and that it will pass.

But he was not the only one that showed me attention, not really, there were others. I just brushed them off because I did not have the time. Except for him, for him… I made time. Now that I have more time on my hands, I started going out, meeting new people. He was really obvious in his interest and at the same time shy and contained. And shyness attracts me, because I am shy as well, actually I can only stop being shy with somebody shyer than me. Stupid, right?. And he was talking so freely, about anything. And I guess I reacted and opened up to him as well. I’ve talked about things I did not talk in years: about God, about love, about parallel universes, Sailor Moon, cars and dreams.  Of course he sparked my interest and of course he keept it. He is something peculiar, I told him that too. Every person that tried to spark my interest after him seemed shallow, plain and boring. And I just can’t open up with any of them as I did with him. I guess I opened the gate to my mind wide open for him to enter and apparently he never left. He is blocking the fucking gate! I can’t close it fully and nobody else can enter either.

I remember the first day I saw him. I lied to him and told him I did not remember, because I did not want him to think me weird, or obsessed. That day in the elevator, I did notice him, I did look at him and thought to myself: “He will be a wonderful man one day.” I said it with sadness, because the man that he will be was not meant for me.  And I put him out of my mind, because there was no point to think about a boy I noticed in the elevator and that I would have probably never talk to again.

But he made sure that failed, and we talked again. And I fell in love with his sexy and peculiar mind, with his playful eyes, with the inflections in his voice and with the way his skin felt on mine. And I fell in love with the way I felt when I was close to him, funny, strong and secure, like I could do anything with him by my side. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can do anything I set my mind to alone as well, but there is this mesmerizing feeling in being part of a team. Because with a partner you can stand back to back and be able to repel attacks from all sides while being in control. When I’m alone I have to move a lot, switch sides all the time. With a partner I trust, I can focus better, I can be sure of having things under control.

I am still thinking of him, haven’t learned how to stop yet. I do not want to, but I can’t stop my mind from wondering when my fingers caress my phone over that last conversation when we both agreed it was not worth it. Why the fuck did we say that? Because, we both know neither one of us believes it.

And all this post started with the idiom in the title that Duolingo asked me to translate. Damn you Duolingo…

Stay safe, stay happy!