Oct 09 2016

A love that never was

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 21:58

I read a long time about a love that never was, a love that died before being born. I do not really remember the context, nor the story, but this expression, a love that died before being born, it stuck with me. As you probably know by now, I have a special interest in love, what it is, when it appears, how, why, is it even real or just another human illusion meant to simulate a purpose for our meaningless lives, etc. But I never thought I’ll have the occasion to match that expression to a situation.

When love is over, all is left is memories. If it ended badly, if the other hurt you, you tend to remember the bad ones. If the split was mutual you remember both, because when it comes to love, things are never black or white. Sometimes everything is quite gray. You will remember a lot of events and actions, but you won’t remember the great sex, the clubbing, evenings with friends and families. You won’t remember anything professional you did together. You will remember the little things. When you remember a love that died before being born, the little things become… not that little. Here is what I remember:

  • I remember his face the first time I looked at him, like really looked. I remember his dark eyes and the wrinkles along his eyes, that made him look older than he was.
  • I  remember the first date, but not quite date, when he burned his tongue with tea and we listened to Nat King Cole in his car.
  • I remember the first song he sent me that gave me the goose bumps.
  • I remember that rainy night when we talked about small things in his car, looking at the city from above.
  • I remember the first time our hands touched.
  • I remember the first time he held me in his arms.
  • I remember the morning coffee when we danced together on Sinatra.
  • I remember our first kiss, the one I stole from him with his permission, after all how can you say no to a birthday girl?
  • I remember the first night he slept at my place, my cheek on his chest and his hand around my neck.
  • I remember how his skin felt on my skin and how our bodies fit so perfectly together.
  • I remember the night we danced on Peggy Lee, and I remember wishing that dance would never end.

I remember all these moments that I thought might lead to a love like I’ve never known before. But I was wrong, sometimes beautiful moments do not lead to anything. Sometimes a crescendo ends abruptly when the singer runs out of air. This was a love that died before being born. I know the reasons, I always knew the thousands reasons why we were never meant to be. The fact that we met and had those moments was just sheer dumb luck, a strange and beautiful coincidence caused by our lives intersecting for a short time.

And although my heart is a little bitter, I have those memory to sweeten it up. Life is short, I’ll take any bit of love offered to me, even one that was never meant to be.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Oct 09 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13341.19

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 19:56

I am going through a weird period, I am not in the mood of doing anything. It’s like I’m trying to destroy a part of myself and failing. I do not like my job anymore and have the feeling of wanting to run away. Last week I almost did it. I was just coming back from shopping and instead of going home I just took the highway route and went to the nearest town. There I stopped my car and thought about it for a while. Will somebody miss me? What will my project manager say? What will happen to my cat? And this is where my thoughts stopped. The damn cat. I am sure I could pay some people to take care of her. But  it won’t be me. And she’s my cat, she has been with me for so long. She is so committed to me, and all I give her is food, a roof over her furry head and some hugs and cuddles now and then. I am giving her so little, less than I have ever given to somebody else. And she stuck around. She found me worthy to be around. If I ever leave, I have to think it through and make sure I take her with me. She is hairy and smelly and sometimes annoying, but I love her to bits.

I just came back from karate camp, two days of mediocre food, training and conferences about human energy and such, which I call mumbo-jumbo for short. I did not make any new friends, just brought the ones I had closer.

And now I am back home, I’m behind with the book and totally out of motivation, because … well, I don’t know. I just lack the discipline to get the job done. No idea how to change this state I’m in. If you have any idea, throw some in my direction. K. Thx. Bye!

Stay safe, stay happy!


Oct 03 2016

WordPress & MySql…

Category: English posts,TechnicalIuliana @ 23:28

… is a recipe for disaster. Once every few weeks I get this:

Error establishing a database connection.

Today I tried another two tricks:
1. Adding the following configurations to the Apache httpd.conf file.

StartServers 3
MinSpareServers 3
MaxSpareServers 5
MaxRequestWorkers 25
MaxConnectionsPerChild 0

2. Configurating MySQL like this in /etc/my.cnf
[mysqld]
innodb_buffer_pool_size=10M
performance_schema=offM
datadir=/var/lib/mysql
socket=/var/lib/mysql/mysql.sock
# Disabling symbolic-links is recommended to prevent assorted security risks
symbolic-links=0
# Set internal buffers, caches and stacks very low
key_buffer = 16K
max_allowed_packet = 16K
table_cache = 1
sort_buffer_size = 16K
read_buffer_size = 16K
read_rnd_buffer_size = 1K
net_buffer_length = 1K
thread_stack = 16K
# Don't listen on a TCP/IP port at all.
# Will still work provided all access is done via localhost
skip-networking
server-id = 1
# Set the query cache low
query_cache_limit = 1048576
query_cache_size = 1048576
query_cache_type = 1
# Set various memory limits very low, disable memory-hogging extras
[mysqldump]
quick
max_allowed_packet = 16K
[mysql]
no-auto-rehash
[isamchk]
key_buffer = 16K
sort_buffer_size = 16K
[myisamchk]
key_buffer = 16K
sort_buffer_size = 16K
[mysqlhotcopy]
interactive-timeout
[mysqld_safe]
log-error=/var/log/mysqld.log
pid-file=/var/run/mysqld/mysqld.pid

I’ll come back here with an update, in case I managed to make the bloody damn thing stop from crashing.

[Update]: Well, the database no longer crashed, but the ec2 instance did. So I had to terminate it and create a new one. And of course I did not remember anything I did to keep it working so I cam back to this post. And I just found out that the innodb_buffer_pool_size property value depends on the machine you are on. If it is too big, the connection pool will require too much memory and if you do not have that memory, Mysql will still crash. So I just switched to the smallest value that I think it could be necessary for my blog to be accessed by my 50 readers per day: 10MB. And aside from this I modified my instance to add some swap. You can find a really useful tutorial here, I used the first option to create the file in the current file system.

 

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Sep 29 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13340.23

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 22:20

In the light of recent events I was thinking why I never stayed friends with my ex-boyfriends. I have people around me that managed to stay friends with their exes and I envy them a little. I always thought myself to be a bad person because I could not stay friends with my exes, but I’m trying to change my mind. I am not a bad person, I’m just not keen on hope. If there is something that I hate quite a lot is hope. Here’s the thing. When a relationship ends is a failure, a failure that one party or both have the hope of fixing. When only one party has the hope, that party feels hurt and guilty of not being able to figure out something to do the fixing. If the relationship did not ended because of some horrendous act of one of the parties, but just stupid context mismatch there are two parties that have the hope. They might even try to rekindle and end up drifting more apart. Hope is toxic. Hope stops you from moving on. Hope keeps you stuck.

If you really care about that person, if you just want to be altruistic, or if you truly are a good person, when ending a relationship, leave no room for hope. Just leave. Break all links. Stop any contact. Just detach from the other person’s life. Stay away. Because any smile, contact keeps hope alive and prolongs the agony and prevents the other from moving on.

If you do this, try to be friends with somebody that loved you, you my dear are a narcissistic asshole. You are not nice, you are not a good person. Stop lying to yourself. But then again, if you are a freaking psychopath, you won’t care, right?

So, dear humans stuck in a friendship with a ex, if it hurts get out of there. You do not owe them anything.


Sep 29 2016

What means to be a good programmer

Category: English posts,Funny,TechnicalIuliana @ 20:18

A few weeks ago this picture appeared on my Facebook wall.
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And it got me thinking. Are programmers that special? We really do programming just because it is fun? And what actually means to be a good programmer? Because in 10 years of experience in this field I had the occasion to work with really good programmers that were really awful people and good people that were not that good programmers, but they were easy to work with.

So then, what makes a programmer good? His ability to write an algorithm? His ability to improve it? His ability  to work in a team? His ability to write stable, extendable, testable and maintainable code? What means to actually be a good programmer?

Because if good programmers write code for fun, this means that I am actually a good runner, because I run for fun. It also means I am a good dancer because I dance for fun. This also makes me a good comedian, because I make my friends laugh for fun. And so on. And what happens when I have a bad day and I write code and hate doing it? Does this make me a bad programmer?

I am not looking the define what a good programmer is. Because programming is not about having fun. Bill Gates did not do it for fun. Steve Jobs did not do it either, I assure you. They did it because they have inferred the potential of technology when used properly. Programming is about making the technology do the work for you. The better you are at it, the more work it will do for you. So fuck it, I do not want to be a good programmer! Because I do not program for fun, not 90% of the time. I program to improve my life and others’ too.

I do not want to be a good programmer, because I want to be an excellent programmer. And if I succeed I want my work and my effort to be recognized, I want to be adulated by the public and I do expect to get properly remunerated.


Sep 05 2016

How do you recognize applications created by me?

Category: English posts,Funny,TechnicalIuliana @ 21:02

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Well… There will always be that user, called gigi.pedala, that I probably created when  I was pissed off that something did not work as I intended…

Who is Gigi Pedala? In Romania Gigi Pedală, also known as Dorel is the guy creating trouble, that knows nothing (and he is nothing like John Snow) and most of the time does nothing. Except trouble. That he does.


Jul 31 2016

The duality of human mind

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:37

No matter how hard we try, any of us will always be a shady combination of what we want to be and what we really are. Of course we want to be good, disciplined, rational and open-minded. But instead we end up having our moments when we are mean, lazy, hard-headed and fixed in our beliefs.

There is this duality of human nature, this contrast that is solved only when we die. Before that, we struggle between what we should feel and what we actually feel and between what we think and what we must do.

Society has a lot to to with this too. Education and schools try to shape your mind and thoughts to fit is own purpose, and the purpose of a society rarely coincides with the purpose of the individual. If the purpose of society would match the purpose of the individuals, we won’t have so many people reaching their 30s without knowing what they really want to do with their lives, torn between what it feels right and what they are told is right.

Acceptance is the answer, but you have to go through a lot of shit to get there. You have to have your heart broken. Your dreams have to be broken. You have to kneel down and cry your heart out and give any hope of happiness being anything than a word in the dictionary. And from all those ashes, from all that bitter pain acceptance and a little “not giving a fuck” attitude will be born. That is the starting point of the real you. If you are lucky this will happen earlier in your life and you will get strong and learn to survive and play a society that is civilized only by name. If you are not, this will happen later, but still, it is better than you dying bed. Because, no matter how late you wake up, all it matters is that you do.

Wake up and start being you! The version of you that feels right. Other versions of you will creep up from the past. A glass of wine will get them out of their graves and shake you. But do not lose your way. The past cannot be changed, but the future is decided by your present. Live the present as if tomorrow never comes. I’m not saying not to make long term plans, but in working on fulfilling them try to leave each day as if it would be your last. Because one day, it will be. And when you draw your final breath and when life is rapidly scrolling in front of your eyes, the conclusion should be: “Sure, I’m dying, but daaamn that is a life well lived!”

Stay safe, stay happy!

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