Feb 10 2016

Times and times again

Category: English postsIuliana @ 23:31

While growing up I had a little sister, 4 years smaller than me.  I hated taking care of her and my parents insisted I did that since she was 2 years old. I think the reason why I hated her was because of the feeling that I was not enough. If I were, why did my parent have to have another child? I have no idea where that feeling came from, I did not just start feeling like that on my own. It must have been something my parents did or said. Years later though she is still the favorite.

The weird thing is that my sister is old now. Until last year, we haven’t see each other in almost 10 years.  But that feeling of not being enough has followed me. I never felt good enough during faculty. I never felt good enough in the relationships I was involved.

Sometimes I think I am not even good enough for my cat, because I do not spend enough time with it. Because I clean its littler only every two days.

I do not feel enough for my friends, I feel like I don’t deserve them. I do not feel good enough for the position I am occupying at my job. I always have this feeling at the back of my head someday, some people will realize what I already know and they will fire me.

I do not know how to get rid of this feeling. And maybe I shouldn’t. Becasue the feeling of not being good enough, although it makes me bitterly sad, it also make me push myself over my limits trying to be better than I am.

I felt that I was not good enough to write a technical book and that the book is not good enough to worth buying. I was actually happy when I found the pdf on some torrent sites and on some pirate library sites where it could be downloaded for free, because in my mind, it was good enough to worth pirating. It was something. But staring at the payment notification that I received from Apress, I feel conflicted. The books was actually sold, and I received the first payment from selling the book. I am still staring at that email and I can’t believe it.

Whoever you are, the people that made this happen, I thank you very much! I will continue writing technical books and I promise to improve my writing based on your feedback!

PS: The video has nothing to do with the book. I just like Switchfoot a lot and I was listening to this while writing the post. It sort of fit. Enjoy!

Stay safe, stay happy!

Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply