Jul 03 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13226.11

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 23:29

My life has been taken over by a state of uncertainty. Lately I have been drifting from day trying hard to keep a routine going. To do my work, to do my outdoor and indoor activities seemed like an effort.

My days have been taken over by a necessity of deep slumber, I feel weary. I get home from work and after a quick shower instead of feeling rested I feel the need to crush in bed. And i sleep, but not really. I just lay there and try to ignore the sounds of the world. Although time seems to be standing still it isn’t. And I wake in the middle of the night and I cannot sleep but there is nothing else I would rather do. So I go back to sleep. I force myself to sleep. And when the morning comes I feel dizzy and worn out as if my tortured slumber never happened. I do not dream, not have nightmares which is good. What would I be dreaming about?

The Australia trip got cancelled. I was supposed to go to Australia in september with these guys, but they needed a group of at lease 15 people. Apparently there were no 15 Romanians in this whole wide country that wanted to go to Australia. It makes me sad as hell, I’m just so disappointment that I do not have words. I knew this was a possibility, but I really, really wanted to go there.

But maybe the cancellation was not such a bad thing. I just discovered this week that I have dental problems again. Big ones. And I will need about two months of treatment, probably surgery and reconstruction. Which will be painful and expensive as hell. Could have been worse, I could have been born in one of the (so called) civilized countries, where dental care is so expensive that people on the equivalent social level as me cannot afford it. So this is one of those cases when being a Romanian is a good thing.

Now I have to reconfigure my vacation time. I also need to finish writing my book. If I find the motivation to write that is, because has left me again. A good friend of mine, told me I might be burned out, that’s why the depression, the lack of motivation.

I might be. What bugs me a lot also is that lately I am feeling the cold stab of loneliness again. I feel the need of somebody stronger than me to hug me and tell me I can do it: I can write, I can code, I can manage my people, I can be happy, I can do anything I want. And this is difficult, because where the heck am I going to find somebody stronger than me?

Anyway, this too shall pass. If it looks like this phase is taking too long, I’ll just contact my psychologist and book a few sessions. It wouldn’t be the first time my mind needs help to understand or fix itself.

Stay safe, stay happy!

By the way: I actually have an algorithm for my stardate. :D

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