Jul 20 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13229.09

Category: PersonalIuliana @ 22:08

For a long time, when I was young I feared the happy times, those intervals of life when everything is going well better than expected. While growing up I did not have many of those, so when one moment would happen I would grab it and fearfully enjoy it and pray that when it is over I won’t be smacked down into oblivion. I had a long time to grow up and try to understand what was going on.

And it all went back to my mother’s religion, which until my 18th year of life was my religion too. My mother is Romano-catholic, a religion that condemns enjoying life too much. It praises being modest and humble. And when you look at Pope Francis you know that man practices what he preaches. Or at least this was how I saw it. If you dared to be happy about something and you were telling others, it was called bragging and it was definitely a sin. Or this was only in my mother’s head and I guess I’ll never know for sure, because my memories of that time have gotten fuzzier over the years, and being atheist since 29 of September 2001 helped me forget a lot of things related to my mother’s religion.

I_made_thisThe basic idea is, I was scared to enjoy anything because, from what I understood then, if you are enjoying it too much it will be taken away. Also there was this crazy belief, that if you are doing too well, you will burn in hell, because god only tests the people he loves. So if you were rich and nothing bad was happening to you, you would definitely burn in hell.

So I enjoyed a cake I could only buy once every few months because of poverty, but only a little, and always saying thanks to god because, he in his great mercy and love he had for human beings has allowed for me to be there in that moment and enjoy that cake. I would enjoy a kiss then fell guilty about my passion. I would fall in love, then promise that I won’t have sex before marriage (even if I wanted to) and ask forgiveness because in my mind I had already sinned and a sin in your mind is just as terrible as a real one.

It is curious how religion shapes your mind. I am very thankful that my mother’s religion does not require for me to kill people of other religions, or people that seem to be living in sin according to this religion. Or it does not do so nowadays, remember the Inquisition? I was a religious person until that tragic day when the love of my life died, I was the good little girl singing in the quire, always wearing humble clothes, and longish skirts, that accepted everything that happened to her as the will of god, and hoping god has something good put aside for her in the future on the other side. Because I was a poor, normal, sad girl form a sort-of broken family. I couldn’t hope for more. Only when I gave up belief in god I realized I can be whatever I want to be, that whatever waits for me in the future is because I made it happen with my actions in the present. Whether it is, bad or good, I take full responsibility for my actions and for my future.

The reason I wrote all this is that for almost two years now I am on a happy streak. I have my mental ups and downs, but my reality is really really good. It is the longest period of tranquillity I ever had. I am strong, I am fearful and I make things happen for myself and others. I manage to do great things even when I am down, when I feel sad or hopeless. I learned to control my feelings. and now I enjoy my success fully, but deep, deep inside there is a small feeling of fear that when this period will end a tsunami will come.

Oh well, we’ll see what it will be. Together.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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