Oct 09 2016

A love that never was

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 21:58

I read a long time about a love that never was, a love that died before being born. I do not really remember the context, nor the story, but this expression, a love that died before being born, it stuck with me. As you probably know by now, I have a special interest in love, what it is, when it appears, how, why, is it even real or just another human illusion meant to simulate a purpose for our meaningless lives, etc. But I never thought I’ll have the occasion to match that expression to a situation.

When love is over, all is left is memories. If it ended badly, if the other hurt you, you tend to remember the bad ones. If the split was mutual you remember both, because when it comes to love, things are never black or white. Sometimes everything is quite gray. You will remember a lot of events and actions, but you won’t remember the great sex, the clubbing, evenings with friends and families. You won’t remember anything professional you did together. You will remember the little things. When you remember a love that died before being born, the little things become… not that little. Here is what I remember:

  • I remember his face the first time I looked at him, like really looked. I remember his dark eyes and the wrinkles along his eyes, that made him look older than he was.
  • I  remember the first date, but not quite date, when he burned his tongue with tea and we listened to Nat King Cole in his car.
  • I remember the first song he sent me that gave me the goose bumps.
  • I remember that rainy night when we talked about small things in his car, looking at the city from above.
  • I remember the first time our hands touched.
  • I remember the first time he held me in his arms.
  • I remember the morning coffee when we danced together on Sinatra.
  • I remember our first kiss, the one I stole from him with his permission, after all how can you say no to a birthday girl?
  • I remember the first night he slept at my place, my cheek on his chest and his hand around my neck.
  • I remember how his skin felt on my skin and how our bodies fit so perfectly together.
  • I remember the night we danced on Peggy Lee, and I remember wishing that dance would never end.

I remember all these moments that I thought might lead to a love like I’ve never known before. But I was wrong, sometimes beautiful moments do not lead to anything. Sometimes a crescendo ends abruptly when the singer runs out of air. This was a love that died before being born. I know the reasons, I always knew the thousands reasons why we were never meant to be. The fact that we met and had those moments was just sheer dumb luck, a strange and beautiful coincidence caused by our lives intersecting for a short time.

And although my heart is a little bitter, I have those memory to sweeten it up. Life is short, I’ll take any bit of love offered to me, even one that was never meant to be.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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