Oct 13 2017

The day everything became clear

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:20

When I started seeing a psychologist, I was looking for healing. My heart was broken and my soul crushed and I wasn’t enjoying life at all. I went there hoping to heal my broken heart, and be able to use it for love again. Because I do not have many fears, but being unable to love again, turning totally cold, forever because of a bad relationship was one of them.

And it turned out I had a lot of repressed feelings – mostly anger – to solve. I did not have a good life, but I never imagined the tool took on me would leave me that broken. I’ve has suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old, but when it turned too difficult to have a normal life because of them a solution had to be found. Because I have spent my life until 32 years old learning a lot of things, except how to live.

I think it has been two years now since I started living. And then I started loving. And for the first time, I realized that my psychologist was right. Because of my upbringing, probably I’ve  never really felt love before. Only need, dependence or just … scared to be alone. When I realized I was in love again, first I got scared. What if I mess it up? What if he doesn’t love me. Turns out I was right at least in one of my fears. He does not love me. And I’ve tried to stop loving him, because what use is a love that is not reciprocated, right?

Well, it has a purpose. Being able to love, makes a person better. It gives you a different view on the world. Loving someone that does not reciprocate gives you the occasion to be close to them without the pressures of a relationship. It gives you the opportunity to be there for them, to see them for who they are and not the hormone bomb people become when in love. It feels nice, because you can definitely see if they are worth your feelings or not.

Oh, and he is worthy! He is one of the best persons I’ve met in a while. He is genuinely good and nice to me, not because he wants “something”. He’s far from perfect and he pisses me off sometimes. But the conversations I have with him are never boring and whenever I need him, he is one click away. And I reciprocate that. And I finally understood what love is. Love is when somebody’s well-being and happiness are a big part of your own. It seemed far-fetched when I grew up. It did not seem possible to love someone romantically and not be with them. Unless they moved to the other end of the world or there were other impediments, that is.

Well, he is on the other end of the world now. And I did my best to help him stay there, because that’s where he is happy.

Tags: ,

Leave a Reply