Nov 04 2017

Ups and downs

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:10

Life has its ups and downs. I’ve had a lot of ups for two years now. It was about time for this nice period to end. It’s not like I am down, it’s just I have this nasty cold that gave me fever and headaches for more than a week. And I’m all alone taking care of myself and this makes me feel very vulnerable.

I am trying to do the things I normally enjoy. But all I do is waste time waiting for the night to come so I can sleep. And I get into bed hoping that while I sleep I find a solution for the mess I am in and at least my brains maybe stops thinking.

So I have a cold, that’s no big deal, right? But I’m all alone, felling vulnerable and weak, in a period when I’m in doubts about my job and the decisions I made this year. And I am also longing for the embrace of somebody that is one ocean away from me. Somebody that will never feel anything for me, but respect and  a platonic attachment. On, well, that’s something right?

It is scary as hell, this insecurity of the future. I am getting old and I should be getting wise, but I’m feeling stupid and unable to do anything right for a while now. I feel like I’m on a boat without a guiding system and just going with the waves, until an iceberg hit.

And I’ve been alienating people from my life, because I’ve felt this fall coming for a while and I did not want to affect anyone. Not this time.

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