Dec 26 2017

The butterfly effect

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:22

When you do something do you ever think of the unknown consequences of your actions? Let say you walk down the street and you kick a stone changing its place. What could be the consequence of that action in 24 hours? What about 1 day? Or one month? Or one year or 100 years? Did you ever think what are the chances statistically, that a child might crouch down to lift up that stone, loose his balance and fall into the street and cause an accident? Seems an improbable scenario, right? And maybe too pessimistic and too creatively morbid, right?

Indeed, that is maybe too creative. I’ll ask you another question then: do you ever think of the long term consequences your actions and decisions have on your children?

Today I was visiting my parents and I stayed there for three painful hours. During these three hours there were some fights and some shouts, but some information made it’s way to my ears as well. Both my grandmothers were taken of school in the fourth grade so they can help around the house with their younger brothers, six and seven of them. Apparently they had a natural talent for learning, because they were able to get first prize(in Romania I think they are still rewarding the best pupils this way) even with little time to learn or do homework. Good news: intelligence runs in the family and seems to be “affecting” mostly females. :D Both my grandmothers never forgave their parents for stopping them from going to school. The one that died a month ago, was 87 years old and on her death bed she mentioned this again. She died pissed off on her parents, and blamed them for the mess of a life she had. Because even after 77 years she thought not being in school was one of the worst thing in her life and the first bad moment that allowed the rest of them to unfold.

I think most people say that, in life it is better to regret the things you did than those you didn’t. My grandmother regretted on her death bed that she did not go to school, and her parents were to blame for that. There were dead and buried a long time ago, but she could not forgive them. Maybe a psychologist could have helped, but Romanians believe psychologists are con-men.

What I’ve heard today made me sad. Not only because I found out yet another sad event in my grandmother’s life, but because I’m starting to think the consequences of my tormented childhood might never be healed. And my childhood was tormented because my mother never received a proper education in parenting, so she did what she thought best. She still thinks the regular beatings she blessed me and my sister with were justified and necessary. And those are just the physical abuse. I don’t really want to think about the emotional abuse right now.

So, how could I think of having a family and bringing a child into this world just to raise it broken? How can I break this bloody loop of bad decisions and abuse? How can I raise and educate a child when I am still a broken individual? How far away should I move to break this loop? How do I do it without feeling guilty for not being empathetic with my own parents?

And least, but not last, I asked them to give me one reason why I should have a child? An answer that I might give to my child one day if he or she asks me why I decided to bring them into this world. I asked them why did they have me and my sister. I would have loved a typical communist answer like “me and your father really loved each other and had a lot of good sex and because there was no contraception of the time you happened.” But they were not able to say that, because it was not true.

Well, no idea what is waiting for me in the future, but if I ever have a child, I really hope it is a girl. And I hope from my whole being that I will be able to guide her and help her develop her bright mind while keeping it whole. Because I’ll be damned if I continue this’s  bloodline of bright broken minds.

So if you read this and you have a child, reconsider your behaviour towards him or her. If you do not have a child yet, check if you and your partner have whole minds and as little frustrations as possible before choosing to have a child. Because there is a chance your child will never forgive you and die hating you, if you wrong him or her.

And this broken world is the consequence of broken people, wether we are able to accept it or not. So, let’s break this loop.

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