Mar 03 2018

Iuliana’s log, stardate 13409.14

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 15:34

I haven’t been writing on the blog for a while. I did have the urge to, but I seem to be going through a tough time when I don’t feel like anything I do is useful or important enough to mention.

But here I am, trying to fight through it. Because logging your life, keeping a journal is important, that is why psychologists say. And they are absolutely right.

There was a time in my life when I thought everything I was doing was interesting, impressive and meaningful. And I was writing about every single thing with the excitement of a person born the day before. Now here I am, looking at my life, my daily activities and nothing seems worthy of being mentioned here.  It seems, and I feel that way. Rationally I know it is not. So I will try to write here a few thoughts, I will list a few things I have done these days, because maybe if I take the time, if I make the effort to write about them, maybe I will feel like my life is meaningful and still worth it and that I am meaningful.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when my bitter state has started. Maybe after I released my last book. After one of my books is published I have a period of a few months when I have way too much time on my hands. And I start thinking of stupid shit. And usually all that shit is meaningless and goes away as soon as I have stop having time for it. But now it is different, because it hasn’t stopped. My bitterness is growing and festering to the point of metastasis.

I have forsaken the normal way humans live their lives so I find myself forlorn most times. I do not live the normal lifestyle for a 30 year old. I enjoy my reclusive existence and my time  alone, I read, I play my piano, I play with my cat and watch a lot of series(because damn… there are a lot of good series these days). I do not expose myself on Facebook, Instagram and other social networks, not unless there is a serious(professional) reason for that. But I do use them, and I think this is where my bitterness comes from. Everybody seems to be involved in something meaningful and everybody seems to be living their life to the max while I am just… exercising in the gym, working, playing piano, writing some text, writing some code, reading, sleeping. Seriously, this is my routine. And it is not a bad one. I do not go out much, so I don’t spend much. I travel from time to time and talk on the phone with friends and family. I don’t do this often, because I am quite anxious, but I force myself into it. I try to keep my existence at least a little … normal.

But lately, I just feel stuck. I do not like my job, I do not like the house I live in, I do not like the city I live in anymore, I do not like the country I live in(and for good reason, just search on Google Romania corruption 2018), I do not like my life and worst of all… I do not like me. The reason I do not like myself, is obviously all this bitterness I cannot seem to get rid of. And I am so terrified that people will become aware of it and try to distance themselves from me. Or worst, they might try to help. Why do I say this is worst? Because when people try to help me, it makes me feel weak and inept at living. And boy, I do not want to feel that way! Plus, rationally I know there is nothing wrong. I just gotta get my shit together. I am the one who said a few posts ago, that one of the commandments of my career is If you do not like it, change it. I just wish I could apply that to my life! Also, lately I cannot apply that at work either, which frustrates me like crazy. I got promoted to manager, and I never asked for it or wanted it. Of course I could have opposed it a little bit harder, sure. But I work with people that I respect and admire and most times trust their judgement.

But I might have got it wrong this time. Because I am not the managerial kind of person. I do not feel comfortable talking to people about their work and trying to convince or push them to do it right or faster. I do not like to contact them and talk to them just so they feel like I’m paying attention to them. It feels weird. Especially since I know how it feels. I had my manager calling me a little bit way too often to be comfortable and I had the feeling he was checking up on me because he did not trust me on doing my work. And because I know how I felt when he did that, I cannot do it to somebody else.

So I made the decision to change something. I started applying for jobs abroad. A piece of my heart was left in Scotland two years ago, and I started looking for jobs there. I started in November. I’ve passed tests, I’ve passed interviews, or so they say. But rarely a job panned out. And when it did, they did not want to give me the salary I wanted and they did not provide support for relocation either. So I had to  say no. But the ones that took a toll on me were the jobs that I really wanted and lost them. Until now there were four of them. I have the utmost respect for the companies and HR departments that came back to me and told me why I was refused. The ones that hurt the most were the ones that just stopped communication altogether. Because, if it was something in my attitude, or in my coding that made me fail them, I would like to know. Because my mind goes in very dark places trying to find an answer. I started doubting my expertise in this domain. Maybe I am not a good coder. Maybe I am just a fraud, I’ve been able to navigate my way through corporate hierarchy because I have other qualities, but being a good programmer might not be one of them. Maybe I am overestimating myself. Maybe there is something wrong with me that is so disturbing and that some people can see. Maybe I am too old. And so on. I even got to the point where I suspect I was promoted to manager because I’m not good at coding, which makes me even more reluctant about my promotion.

But I do not like it and I will change it. Maybe I am not as smart as I wish I were, maybe I am not as good a coder as I wish I were, maybe I am just … unfit for living. But I am alive, I am still here and I am still fighting. So, I’ll apply to more jobs,  I’ll do more tests, I’ll participate to some more interviews. Because I know that I just need to keep doing this until I get the stars aligned perfectly, until that sheer moment of luck comes when a representative of one of this companies will conclude the interview with: “When can you start?”

Clarification: I do actually consider myself a software engineer. And I am a pretty good one. I just wish I were a little more better at coding than I currently am. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!

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