Dec 12 2018

Of living in fear

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:22

When I was a child I was afraid of God. Seriously, I was afraid of God. My mother was very religious and made sure I was raised in the arms of the loving Catholic Church. Don’t get me wrong, all the church people were great and fortunately, I did not get molested. The good-natured person I am today and my integrity I owe them both to them. But while learning the ways of the church, at some point I reached the conclusion that you could not avoid being a sinner no matter what. I mean there are three ways to sin: with your acts, with your words, and with your mind. And well, we all know kids are so great at self-control, right?

Anyway, back to the topic, for a while I was afraid of burning in hell and I was afraid of all the bad things that could happen to me or the ones I love because I was a sinner. Because we all know, God punishes sinners sometimes by hurting their loved ones.

So for the first 18 years of my life, I’ve lived with a fear of God. Add in the fact that I had abusive parents that used to resolve any tantrum or anything that was considered lack of respect for them by beating me or threatening me to throw me out of the house to fend on my own. And I was also a girl and quite frail so an easy target for men that might be interested in abusing me. So yeah, for the first 18 years of my life I lived in fear.

When I went to the university, a different fear was added in the mix: fear of failure. But, at 18 one of the most horrific thing in my life happened and God let it happen, so for me, that was enough proof that there is no God. And I moved to live in the university campus, so the fear of my parents was out the window too.

Being an adult now, of course, I started dating at some point so it was at that point I discovered a new fear: the fear of not being loved. Looking back I still find it funny, how this fear was stronger than the fear of failure. Because when you are at UNI, the fear of failure is a constant in every future adult’s life.

We all grow up scared, and as adults, we replace one fear with another. We live in fear of the most terrifying things happening to us or the ones we love. But we live nonetheless because most of our fears are very related to the probability of certain events taking place. Not all of us are good at mathematics, and that is why most of us are able to live without going crazy with worry. Some of us also take precautions to avoid certain risks, to reduce the probability of something bad happening. For example, we still lock our doors, although we live in a good neighborhood because it reduces considerably the probability of getting robbed. Some of us further reduce the probability by buying security systems and taking karate lessons. We cannot live in fear, so we bravely ignore the fears that we can ignore and we bravely fight the ones we cannot.

Fear is a great motivator, we need it to survive but it works only if we fight it, overcome it and not allowing it to take over. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be afraid, that is not really possible, I’m just saying that we should live in spite of it. Because being brave does not mean not being scared, but doing what you have to do while being afraid.

So we all live in fear after all, but some fears are inherited or taught and you do have the option of choosing your fears to benefit you.

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