Jan 14 2019

Bloody insomnia

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:37

When people tell me I look tired, and I justify it by telling them I have insomnia, the following question is about the things that keep me awake at night. I’m probably not the only insomniac that is being guilt-tricked into justifying their insomnia. If I knew what keeps me up at night it would not keep me up for long, because I would find a solution for it. If there would be a clear reason for my insomnia, that reason would probably be of a personal nature, so I will not answer the question anyway. So why ask?

Honestly I wish my insomnia had a cause that it is easier to identify and treat. Unfortunately it doesn’t. I go to bed at 12 am or 1 am every night and I close my eyes, sometimes I meditate and sometimes it works, I actually fall asleep and wake up rested. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work. And when it doesn’t it’s brutal. Because I end up not sleeping at all, or falling asleep at 4 or 5 am which still makes me feel and look like a train wreck. And the irony is , when I manage to fall asleep at those crazy hours I have the weirdest dreams. A few days ago I dreamed that a friend of mine was mugged and I set on a mission to punish the muggers, the cops that let them go, prosecutors, the judge, everyone. And when the alarm rang in the morning, my first thought in the dream was: No, I can’t wake up now; I still have a few of them to punish! And by punish, I mean torture and beating people to an inch of their lives; also the fights scenes would make a very awesome action movie.

So here I am preparing to go to bed, and although I’ve only slept about two hours the previous night, I do not feel asleep yet. Last night I managed to fall asleep at 4 am. I went to bet as 12 am. As I was staying in my bed, eyes closed, trying no to move to trick my brain into entering sleep mode, I realized is not going to happen. So I changed my position in bed a few times. Then I started getting annoyed because I couldn’t sleep and I had some plans for Sunday that required me to be fully functional. And once I enter the annoyance loop there is little chance I will be able to sleep. Because I keep cursing my brains that does not want to enter sleep mode, I probably get anxious because the plans for the next day might need to be delayed or their outcome becomes unpredictable because of me not operating at my full capacity.

I’ve been fighting insomnia for years. Until now I managed to function decently with it. I was even brave enough at time to try to use the sleepless nights into making something productive. (Now you know how I had time to write technical books while having a full time job.) But as I’m getting older I am starting to get worried. And I might just be paranoid here, but to me it seems as I make more mistakes, I have more lapsus moments, replace words with other words in my phrases, that definitely do not fit or pronounce them backwards.

Don’t know what else to write here. Fellow insomniacs, I understand your pain. You do not need to justify your insomnia to anyone. But seek treatment if the situation persists. That’s what I’m going to do pretty soon.

Stay safe, stay happy and sleep well!

4 Responses to “Bloody insomnia”

  1. Adrian Scheff says:

    Insomnia is a bitch. It seems that you just can’t trick your brain into sleeping, eh? Actually, the more you try “sleeping” the more you end up staying awake. The thoughts, the worries, the scenarios,… good god mister Brain!
    I’ve found only 2 practical solutions for falling asleep:

    1)I just let it be and don’t try to actively “sleep”. Just lie there and let the thoughts carry me. If after 10 minutes I’m not sleeping yet I do what you do: wake up and work.

    2)I practice a little relaxation technique inspired from a CBT book. Here how it goes. So I’m lying an my back, all anxious about future, stuff and not being able to sleep, right?
    I put my hands on my belly and feel the rhythm of my my breathing (also promotes further relaxation). I start repeating (mentally) certain mantras that ease my anxieties. Like: “I have nothing to do today, tomorrow or never.” or “All it’s good and all it’s going to be good”.

    With each repetition I do my best to be convinced by them. I actually believe them after 4-5 repetitions or so. And then I suddenly notice (with my hands on my belly) my breathe deppen and I feel more relaxed. So I keep doing these mantras, changing them and experimenting with them.

    After 5-10 minutes I’m very relaxed but still very conscious. Then I stop with the mantras and just let the relaxation induce the sleep. It oftenly works.

    Cause you know – what you think determines what you feel. :)

  2. Iuliana says:

    Hello hello there! It has been a long time. I hope you’re doing awesome. I’ll try the mantras. :)

  3. Adrian Scheff says:

    Yeah well, been trying to quit the “online life” but now and then I slip. I’m doing well though, thanks, but then again so do you! You’re globe trotting, writing books, etcaetera, so it seems life’s been good to you, eh? :

  4. Iuliana says:

    It wasn’t bad. :D

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