May 02 2019

Blast from the past (part 2)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 3:22

Still in 2006, a little bit close to summer, not sure how or why, but I met a goth girl that was preparing her final project in fashion design. And obviously her project included a few complicated Goth attires, and for reasons that baffle me to this day she decided I would be perfect to model one of them.

My then boyfriend had a great camera so he took the photos on top of one of the Iasi campus buildings. He took over 1000 pictures, not of me, there were other models as well, but somehow those pictures were lost, they are on a CD in Sibiu, in a case I donated before I moved to Edinburgh.

During faculty I was what it was then called an “emo-kid”, like a goth girl, but with less fancy clothes, less sexy attitude and quite a lot of sadness and probably some anger at the world. I was angry that I did not get to apply to the university I wanted. I was angry I was so poor and I had to stretch my scholarship to the absurd to finish that damn faculty that I did not want to do in the first place.I was angry the most important person in my life died and my first love did not love me enough.

Sure I had a boyfriend, but at that time I had my doubts about that relationship. It is always a bad sign, when you like his family more than you like him. And I loved his mom, his smart aunt, his frail grandma and his agitated dog. But he, he was at the time quite … not like them. He was selfish, superficial and he loved me with a hunger that was overwhelming. I am sure he is a better person now.

While I was on that roof and those pictures were taken, I was thinking what were my chances of survival if I fell. I was stressed because of my final project, lacking the motivation to finish it, being scared out of my mind that I would not be able graduate and find a job and this boy hungry for love and togetherness could not understand my struggle and just wanted to spend time with me. I did not understand, why would you want to spend time with a nervous wreck like me? And he never knew of my suicidal thoughts, because I did my best to hide from him how broken I really was.

And aside from that, can you believe I also viewed myself as fat? Seriously, I chose that attire because it was black and covered me completely.

Anyway, that was me then, struggling, but nevertheless fighting and surviving. And damn, I really had amazing hair, didn’t I? ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!

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