Aug 02 2019

Are you where you wanted to be?

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:01

This question is a refrain that from time to time I sing to myself in my head using Darren Hayes’ voice. Because this is a Darren Hayes song. I heard it first in 2001 when starting university. I found it on a shady Mule server and recognized his voice and could not understand how his song was never famous. If you listen to it, you’ll understand. Nowadays nobody wants to listen to songs that make them think, that makes them reflect.

So, here I am in 2019, closer to my thirty-six birthday and I am asking myself yet again the same question? What prompted this? Recently I’ve been around somebody who seems enchanted by the glamorous life as a developer at bigger companies as Google, Amazon, Facebook, and others. Although I’ve had many chances of entering a recruitment process with any of them I’ve always changed my mind in favor of smaller companies, where there is more technical freedom and it is easier to shine. Maybe it’s my low confidence in my abilities, maybe it is just my necessity to be important and I won’t be important as a cog in the big machine that is one of those companies. Plus, with the current evolution of these companies and the data gathering and manipulation they are doing for increasing their profits, for me, it’s already a question of ethics. Because I cannot be a part of this with a clean conscience.

And then there is a question of validation. What will validate me in my own eyes? Will it be enough if I work at one of these companies? Will I finally be proud of myself and my achievements? And what will that do to me as a person? Because the driving force behind all my achievements so far has been this feeling of inadequacy; of never being enough. This has been the fuel that has kept me running so long.  Once this is gone, what will happen to me, who will I be then? Will I be a better person than I am now?

No, I know for sure that I won’t. Because my validation was never external. The feeling of satisfaction about myself is not fuelled by the money that I make, or the fancy company names on my CV. My validation comes from the number of lives that I’ve touched and changed in a good way. It’s not about the things, it’s all about the people.

And it is all about the freedom to spend my time as I see fit, with who I see fit.

Am I where I wanted to be? Not sure, but I’m on my way there for sure.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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