Jul 22 2019

Shooting the messenger

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 18:22

Humans are social creatures to the point that if a human is unable to make connections, to have their own network of people, their own group of friends they will be considered weird and shunned.

I was criticized yesterday on Reddit, because I replied to a post about loneliness with “loneliness is ugly, but it grows on you”. A bunch of internet know-it-alls jumped on me telling that actually, I’m just compartment. Like this was an offense of some kind, some harsh word that would make me take a good look at my life, change my mind and make me get out of my house looking for people to socialize with.

I’ve been a loner most of my life. I don’t see this situation changing too soon really. And because I’m a loner and I a highly functioning independent adult, I don’t really need … friends. I mean think about it, friendship is weird: of this set of humans that I know I pick you, because I like you the best and I will dedicate more time to you than I do to the others, I will share with you most I hold dear, I will support you if you need it and deal with your shit. Because I like you.

I’m not saying I don’t have friends, because I do. And I love spending time with them. The list of people I wanted to buy stuff for when I went back home to Romania is proof of this. But most of my friends are people a either grew up with or shared a common environment enough for use to decide that we like each other with the good and the bad and no matter what happens to us in the future we’ll always be friends. It doesn’t always work, obviously, but sometimes … people just fit.

Friendship is a relationship between two different people with different needs. The good thing is that it friendships are not exclusive. But in time, some friends remain, some get distant and some you have to give up. Because people… they do not always fit.

Last week somebody I used to call a friend decided to send me in writing a full blown epitaph of my wrong doings. In his defense, he was right mostly, and I sorta’ asked for it, I thought I could take it. Problem is he did so in writing, and that’s the problem – when something is written you get to go over it, again and again and again. Which I did and since I have low self esteem I just … cracked and decided I cannot be friends with somebody who seems to have such a low opinion of me. I mean, what should I do? Make sure every interaction with him from then on would be over sanitized, to avoid him feeling uncomfortable and avoid losing his friendship? Holy macro, that would be too much effort. And for what? Because he wasn’t a saint either. There were moments when he made me uncomfortable, but I brushed it off, because … well, read the definition above. And also because friendship micromanagement is not my thing. But it was his apparently, because he could pinpoint specific moments when I’ve been an ass.

Or maybe he is right and he is this perfectly good person and I’m just an ass. Then why would he want to still be friends with me? Just so he can pat himself on the back being such a good person that is friends with me? And why would I want to be friends with this person? Just so I have somebody to fear of disappointing all the time?

Guess what, I really, really don’t have time for that. And it’s not only about that. To keep myself a functioning independent adult, sometimes I have to control who I hang out with. Because I’ve been quite stressed lately and this small quarrel with this guy  got so bad in my head that I got dyshidrotic eczema. Yup you read that right. I have itchy and painful bubbles on my hands and my feet caused by all the stress I’ve had to deal lately, and apparently this was the stroke that broke the camel’s back. Let’s make a summary:

  • getting a new job, because my current job was stressful(I usually can deal with unusual levels of stress, as long as they are combined with decent amounts of rest and satisfaction)
  • a wart decided to grow on my foot, close to a nerve ending and I thought I was dying of cancer
  • nosy neighbors reported me for not taking care of the garden and the letting agency told me they told the owner and the owner is upset and… basically I had no idea what the repercussions of this will be(did they intend to kick me out? did they intend to fine me?)
  • going  home for two weeks and going to a wedding – and yes, going home means seeing my parents, that is always stressful and weddings, oh well, they are just stressful for everyone
  • finally setting a date to take care of the garden, and it cost me 276 GBP and on the set day it rained cats and dogs
  • then the bug bite I got at the weeding got so inflamed I had to take antibiotics that fucked up my stomach
  • also, I am late with my book
  • because of an accounting fuckup I received my salary for July one week later than normal

So yeah, they might be first world problems, but they’ve come one after the other, since the beginning of the year I cannot seem to catch a break. So I’ll be damned if I let someone guilting me into a friendship where I always to have to take care what I do and what I say. I have enough eggshells I’m trying not to step on. I don’t need anymore. So I told him to go fuck himself. Now, if he would really know me, he would have replied with “go fuck yourself too, you seem to need it more than me”. I would have burst out with laughter realized the whole thing is childish and pointless. But he didn’t, and I knew he wouldn’t. I knew he would take it in the worst way possible and distance himself from me. And it’s fine, really there were two possible outcomes: one in which we would go for a beer and settle it and one in which this would end. He doesn’t drink, and our friendship was just a lot of messages on a screen. So why even bother? I need real people, that are brave enough to tell me I’m being an ass to my face. And I need friends that can cut me some slack, because that is what friends do.

So yeah, he listed all the things that are wrong with me and now I have itchy and painful bubbles on my hands and feet. And it just feels unfair. If I’m the ass, if I’m such a bad person, why didn’t he get the bubbles? Why me?

So yeah, fuck this. I’m out, bubbles and all.

While reflecting over this again I cannot just smile at the irony. You probably know of the expression shooting the messenger. Short version: the bearer of bad news might lose his head.

And this is how this friendship died, somebody lost his head.

Honestly, I hope I kept this entry vague enough that he won’t feel like I’m giving away his secrets. But then again, I’m already an ass, so does it really matter? Yes, yes it does. But oh well…

Fact is, people are not constants – unless they are narrow minded individuals that do not learn anything from the world around them –  people change and that is why your group of friends is dynamic. So enjoy and remember the good times and forgive the bad times, because they did not come from a bad place. Sometimes people really do not fit.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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