Jul 28 2019

4 and 1/2 pints

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:20

A few days ago I went out with some workmates to celebrate one of them going on maternity leave. I ate a big pizza and drank 2 pints of beer and on my way home I was so jolly, enjoying the sunshine and I almost thought I might be in love. And I was thinking to myself that probably I could not live in a world without alcohol. Sure, I have better days when I get the same effect without alcohol, I’m aware of that. But still, when I’m anxious and can’t stop my brains from running too many threads alcohol helps slow it down enough to be able to function … normally.

Unfortunately, people react differently to alcohol. Alcohol relaxes brains and helps remove some inhibitions,  but sometimes those blockers are there for good reason. Sometimes those inhibitors block violent tendencies. That is why in Romania there are some areas where all wrongdoings are correlated with higher consumption of alcohol.

Anyway, all is good in moderation. For me, a moderate quantity of alcohol is good, because it helps me be more social. That is why it is good to know your limits. I know how much I can drink without getting wasted depending on my current mood and how much I ate. If I’m in a good mood, it might take a lot to put me down, not without consequences so just because I can, doesn’t mean I should, because I will hate myself the day after that. If I’m in a bad mood already, no amount of alcohol would make me feel good. I’d only get more miserable and damage my liver in the process.

But there is a situation when things are interesting. Like I said a little bit of alcohol, lowers some inhibitions and makes my feelings more intense. If I’m in a good mood 2 pints allow for the good feelings to surface.  A little bit after 2, deeper feelings surface. Those feelings that we avoid by working ourselves exhausted, those feelings that we avoid by devouring Netflix and get lost in imaginary stories, those are the ones that come up for me after 2 pints.

Friday, 26th of July was the last day of my current workplace and as expected I had mixed feelings. On the good side, I’ll have a month free from work and in September I’ll start at the new workplace. On the bad side, I realized I will miss the community from my current workplace. But I did not expect what happened on my way home. As per my usual habit, I walked quite a good part of the way.  Initially, I admired the buildings and again I congratulated myself for having the balls to make the decision to move to Edinburgh, but then … melancholy hit. And because I was not drunk, but just a little more tipsy than usual I decided to write down most of the thoughts that were going through my head, you know just for … science. :D  The text below, with grammar corrections applied is what I’ve found in a note on my phone the next day.

I might have drunk a little too much. Because I got more than tipsy. When I am tipsy I am jolly, when I am close to drunk I’m going back to the past. And I think of him, the only person that ever trusted me and I usually start crying because I still don’t get why I got to live and he did not. I promised him that I will be happy and live my life for both of us. But when I get so inebriated  I just miss him. And I miss him because I try to remember him and I can’t. I know he was a scrawny boy with dark hair and dark eyes. I don’t remember his voice, although I want to. But I remember when he said I will be fine, because I am smart and brave and I really, really do not want to disappoint him. I do not know if I am smart, or brave but I know I have to be, because he trusted me to be. But I want to remember him and I can’t. How the hell does my brains work? I remember the flat that I lived in when I was 3 years old, but I cannot remember his voice. And I despise myself for it. Then again, the flat did not have a voice, so … I guess it makes sense!?
I am writing this now because if I wait until I wake up, I will consider these thoughts ridiculous and foolish and useless and I will not write to them because I will feel ashamed. But is it really a shame to have loved someone this much? What is a shame really, is not being able to remember them.
I don’t know human, I’m doing my best here, I really hope I’m doing enough.
4 and 1/2 pints and I get sad and I get angry and I miss you.

I’m always amazed how tipsy/drunk me keeps being logical even confronted with the idiocy of some thoughts and how well it deals with anger.
This is not a post that is supposed to make you embrace the use of alcohol. I’m just saying some of us are better with it than others and that moderation is recommended to enjoy it properly.

Stay safe, stay happy!
[Later edit]: Also I am very proud of myself for thinking and writing all this in English while being quite inebriated. :D

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