Aug 23 2019

Emotional scars

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:02

I know the title seems like this article is going to be one of those annoying medium entries, but it’s not. I promise you, it is not.

I have this way of viewing the world: I don’t think any of us is perfectly sane. I think we are all mad or broken to some degree. We do not live in a perfect world, and since we make up this world, neither are we. I’ve said this before to some people and they took it personally and felt offended. How can I assume they are broken? How do I dare to make them doubt their sanity? I think the worst thing you can do to yourself is to view yourself as being good, normal or whatever positive thing makes you feel good about yourself. Because when you see yourself in this over-positive light you might stop working on yourself and you might become an overly righteous prick. Maybe. I’m not saying it will happen to you. But during my lifetime I’ve met some people that felt entitled to tell me how I’m being wrong, what I’m doing wrong, what is wrong with me and how should I change to be right.

I am not secretive when it comes to my childhood. My parents were not the worst parents, but they were not the best either. My relationship with them was toxic, there was some emotional and physical abuse here and there, and when given the chance at eighteen to leave them behind and going to study in a different town, I never looked back.

The love of my life died when I was eighteen. He was probably the only one even remotely sane person in my life for six years, he always had something good and encouraging to say and he never made me feel like there was something wrong with me.  Him dying was probably one of the worst things that happened to me. One more emotional scar in my collection.

Because of the toxic upbringing and the hole in my heart, I wasn’t able to make the best choices in relationships either. My last relationship, the way I remember it, seems to have been toxic and seasoned with some emotional abuse. It might not sound that bad, but considering that my psyche was not in such good shape when it all started, you can imagine it was not a joy ride.

It took me a long time to understand and accept everything that happened to me. And I realized the consequences all those events had on me.  There are things about me that I will never be able to fix. But despite all that I am a functioning adult. I can hold down a job and I managed somehow to have a lot of friends that are way more sane than I am. I am aware of some things in my character that might be detrimental to others and I keep them under control and warn them beforehand, so they are aware of them and decide if they want to take a chance of being close to me or not.

That is why I am not keeping my struggles secret. I do not want to give anybody the illusion that I am normal(whatever that means). I want people to know I’ve been dealt a really shitty hand, but despite all that I am where I am. I am very vulnerable, but I am also very strong. If I could hold down a job, train other people to do it, inspire them and make people happy here and there, whatever kind of broken I am, it might be a good thing after all.

Sure, I will never stop working on myself, I will never stop monitoring myself and drag myself to a psychologist if I think I need it. Because I refuse to let my past define me, I refuse to let all this emotional baggage drag me down. I bloomed as a person despite all that. Sure, I wish sometimes things would have been different, but the past cannot be changed, and I refuse to be bitter because of it.

My parents will never say I’m sorry for being a shitty parent! because in their mind the person I am today is proof that they did a good job. So I accepted the fact that I shouldn’t be expecting that kind of closure.

The only thing I can do is keep blooming. Yes, I have some emotional scars. But honestly, with all that happened to me, it is ridiculous to expect anything else. Even rocks get scratched and chipped, by wind or water. I am sure everybody else has their own scars as well. And because I have mine, I know how to relate to people better. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, right?

Stay safe, stay happy!

2 Responses to “Emotional scars”

  1. Alvin Muñiz says:

    Hello Juliana,

    I wanted to write to you to express my appreciation for this space you have created.

    As a student of computer science and more particularly the java language, I’ve found your writing on the spring framework indispensable. Despite most of the jargon being over my head (as I said, I’m still learning) I do have a certain degree of enthusiasm while reading your technical writing. It’s playfully fun as I skip ahead to code that I don’t really understand but love to look at in admiration.

    You can only imagine my delight when I happened upon your website and blog. Years ago I set out to create a personal blog without much thought besides writing what was inside. I’ve since over thought my intention for writing and had stopped because it started feeling as if I had to write for a reason that existed beyond my original passion for writing. I had ceased writing. Until now. Truly, reading your website reinvigorated the importance of writing for me.

    I’ve flirted with this notion of radical authenticity for years. Radical authenticity to me being, what does it mean to be yourself completely in every aspect of life despite what life throws at you. It’s something that I strive for and I feel as if you’ve showcased good examples of what that looks like.

    Anyways, I just wanted to share with you how much your literature, both the technical writing that you contribute to the cs community as well as the writing that you share in this blog, is appreciated from someone who is very well 1/2 way across the globe.

    As a cap off, I am wondering if you’ve listened to this song by the band Rise Against – Swing Life Away https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOk097fMDbQ – The link is to an acoustic version of the song but one of my favorite versions. When I read the last paragraph you had written I thought for sure you must have heard the song.

    Alas, I hope the remainder of your year goes well and thank you for the time taken to read this.

    Cheers,
    A

  2. Iuliana says:

    Thank you Alvin for appreciating both of my technical and literary work. I know the band, but not that well. I like the song you recommended. Thank you!

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