Aug 29 2019

Vacation insomnia strikes again

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:40

Never, ever when I was away from home was I able to sleep properly. I don’t really get enough sleep anyway, but vacations are the worst. People go on vacation to recharge, to rest. I’m going just to avoid routine for a while and then I have to come back earlier from vacation because I need to recover.

I am now in Italy, in the wonderfully boring city of Viterbo, and instead of sleeping, since tomorrow a long day of socializing with the family awaits, here I am writing this entry.

I would like to blame it all on the heat, but I really can’t. There’s a sense of un-familiarity in this place and even if the owner was a sweetie and everything is in perfect condition, here I am unable to sleep.

Sure, there are a few thoughts tormenting me, as the disappointment of not being able to finish this damn chapter before I left for this vacation, of the disappointment I’ve just had in writing some reactive tests that failed no matter what I tried. No worries, I’ll make them work at some point. And then, on Monday I’m starting my new job. This moment seemed so far away it felt it would never come. August has been a month during which I had a nice life, a home life, where on the mornings I went swimming or running, then I came back to my desk and my cat where for a day I would play with libraries and LaTeX and Google Drawings trying to help a few developers figure out how Spring and other things work.

And there are a few other thoughts, that I really wanted to drown in alcohol today, but I was just not in the mood for drinking. I mean, it’s Italy, I know how beer is here. It’s lame and tasteless. Sorry guys, I love a lot of things about Italy. Beer is not one of them.

I have a lot of things going on in my brains right now. I am a little bit worried my mind is failing me. I have trouble finding words lately. And I am tired, but I cannot sleep. And when I sleep I have nightmares. I woke up a few days ago from a nightmare that looked a lot like the world from 1984. I woke up at 6 am and I was ready for a revolution. I was prepared to fight. And half a second later I realized I’m in Scotland and there is no Big Brother, it’s only a little Brexit.

When Romania was going through hell because of the current political leaders and people were out in the streets day and night, I felt restless. You see, I’ve experienced communism as a child. I was six years old and in the first year of school when communism fell in Romania. And before that, my mother tried to send me to kindergarten for a while. Being raised a little under the communist regime puts a mark on you. Most of the books I’ve read between 4 and 10 years old were communist-revised editions of popular books, or damn right communist books that covered stories about child heroes, young members of the “Soimii patriei” that saved tourists lost in the mountains from avalanches and bears, or stories about adults that sacrificed themselves for the good of the party and the country. Also, during kindergarten and school, we began our days by singing the national anthem. There is some love for my country that was inspired by that, I cannot explain. It seems paradoxical that I’m saying I love my country, especially when I … well, I left it. I am 3000 miles away from it now with no intention to return.

Anyway, my friends were in the streets protesting. A few times I went out too, but I realized before they did that the protests are not going to fix anything. So I stopped protesting, especially in December when I got seriously sick. And I felt guilty for not protesting with them, but at the same time, I felt disappointed in them for not realizing that peaceful protests are not going to solve anything. And unfortunately(or fortunately, depends on the point of view) the present generations of Romania have no capacity for violent protests because they have no capacity for violence. I’ve written here once before that our society is a paradox: to keep society civilized, civilized people must be capable of doing uncivilized things when necessary. Also, there was the fear that our political class would decide to put the protesters in their place by violent methods. It wouldn’t be the first time that happened in Romania. So I was scared for my people, and I was scared for the future of my country. And I felt uncertain about my future in my country.

Brexit is different from what was/is going on in Romania. But I would lie if I would write here that it does not affect me. I feel a little bit restless. And this might be at least one of the things that causes me to lose sleep even if I do not consciously admit it. I do feel restless when I see people I’ve started to considered friends leaving the UK. Sure, Brexit is not the only reason. But it adds up to personal and professional reasons that motivate somebody to take the huge step of moving to another country.  For me it was like that too, Romania was/is either going back to communism or to something worse. But that just added up to a lot of personal and professional reasons, that made me finally say: “Fuck this, I’m moving to another country!” So, yeah, I am restless a little. Because my savings are in GBP now. A no-deal Brexit might make my saving worth nothing. Because political instability implies economic instability, any politician with half a brains knows this. But well… Boris Johson either doesn’t have that half a brains necessary to compute this, or he knows exactly what he’s doing and as you suspect it, it’s not in the interest of the UK people.

But what do I know, really? Not much, just the simple logical things. While we, the smart ones, are trying to make a living, build some relationships and be happy, the less smart ones, incapable of all that decided that politics is a cosy well-paid job that they could do. So here we are, an entire world with leaders incapable of logical thinking. If an alien race is watching us right now, I think they are pretty perplexed of what they are seeing.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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