Sep 06 2019

The problems with self love

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:11

I’ve mentioned here my low self-esteem, but I must confess I’m a hypocrite. I’ve had low self-esteem in the past, really low. And yes I used it as a fuel to push myself forward personally and professionally. I am at a certain moment in my life when I cannot see myself anymore as a mediocre programmer, because I have four technical books published, and soon there will be five of them. I’ve changed about seven jobs, kept increasing my salary, diversifying my experience and trained quite a lot of people. I’m obviously not mediocre, and probably I’ve never been.

From a personal point of view, I have overcome a toxic upbringing and a toxic relationship, I have won a long battle with depression and suicidal thoughts and I’m dealing with ADHD without medication. I might not be completely sane, but I am more sane and socially functional than most people are. So I can’t really say about myself anymore that I am “broken, misfit, anxious, etc”.

I’ve been alone for quite a long time, and all my life I wanted to meet somebody that is understanding, supportive, funny and gentle. That I can share a beer with, that I can share a steak with, that I can share a walk in silence, or an extra-long hike and a good cry here and there. Somebody that would listen to me and fight me when I’m being an asshole without threatening to leave me and without allowing my bad moment of assholery define me until the end of times in their eyes. Somebody with an open heart and an open mind, somebody who would drill me until I explained myself properly and not draw the worst conclusions. Well, the problem is, people like that are hard to find. So I worked on becoming that person myself. And I think I’m quite there. I worked on becoming that person myself because I needed somebody like that in my life. And what I cannot find, I create. Simple enough, right?

And I am at that stage in my life where I truly appreciate and love myself. I’m so content with the person I’ve turned myself into I could just live for the rest of my life by myself. But do you know what the bloody problem is? I could, but I do not want to.

And since I do not want to, here’s the second problem: I like/love/appreciate myself which is good, it’s the right attitude, but how the hell am I supposed to find a totally different person that feels the same way about me? Because if you think there is another person that sees you and understands you the same way you do, you are very very much mistaken. Because you see things about yourself and know things about yourself, that you might never be able to convey to another. And they cannot enter your mind to truly see you and understand you. Let’s make a short conclusion here: sure, you consider yourself great, but do they?

And hence, the third problem: will I be able to feel about his person, exactly what they want me to feel about them? (And for an overthinker like me that is the biggest fear: not of not being loved, but not being able to make the person I love feel loved; or heaven forbid, even hurting them.)

All those articles telling you that you should work on yourself, learn to love yourself, be a little selfish, put yourself first never warn you of the most terrifying consequence: loneliness. When you love yourself the way you want to be loved, you are content, you are in a good place. And the loneliness is most times bearable. And the person to chase away your loneliness should add up to that good place, to make it great, right? Do you have any idea how special that person must be? And how many special persons are in this world really?

Take a look at this quote:

You’re not going to encounter any other relationship in your life that will be as raw, as open and as beautiful as the one you’re going to have with yourself. It’s a relationship that you first must build before you’re able to build with another person.

Problem is, a good relationship with yourself is like having plugged a hole in your bike’s wheel. The hole is already plugged. No air is coming out anymore. The bike is functional. If somebody else comes and offers to plug the hole, well… plug what?

My mom said once to me that we all need to feel loved and we are willing to go through an eternity of hell for just a single moment of it. So, if you love yourself, that need is satisfied. There is no more reason to risk that eternity of hell.

Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just that content with my life with myself, that I am so terrified to risk it that I am willing to suffer through my pangs of loneliness. But yeah, you go ahead and learn to love yourself. You have no guarantee that you will not end up just like me. Good luck!

Stay safe, stay happy!

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