Nov 01 2019

Searching for “the connection”

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:18

I am over 30 and dating is brutal at this age. Especially after you’ve been single long enough. Because you have time to think, to analyse your past relationships, how they started, how they evolved, how they ended and why. I use to do this from time to time. Some people might say I’m living in the past, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it I analyse the data of failed experiments to make sure the future ones do not fail. Or at least to not fail in the same way.

When it comes to love, a scientist would describe it like this: there are 3 stages involved with falling in love — namely lust, attraction, and attachment. Each stage involves different types of chemical reactions within the body (specifically the brain). Along with that, there are different hormones present in the body helping to excite all these three stages (lust, attraction, and attachment) separately as well as collectively. Lust is said to be the initial stage of getting involved with love. The feel of lust is basically backed up or instigated by the sexual hormones within the body. When you are younger and the brains just starts to produce those hormones, things gets a little crazy, because it needs to adapt to the effects of the newly discovered ability. When we get older, things get weirder. Because the logic of past experiences starts to come into play and the brains thinks it knows how to handle the surge of hormones better.

If lust starts it all, how do we explain the way love starts in a world where more and more relationships start on the internet? Or how can we explain the connection some people mention they have felt with another person?

Recently I’ve had more than one person telling this to me: they are waiting to meet the person they feel a connection with. One of them told me he felt the connection when his partner just used a specific phrase in a conversation they were having. Another one, he just looked into her eyes and was hooked. For some, it happened instantly, for some it happened later, because of some context they happened to be in. For another friend of mine, the connection seem to have appeared when he realized they both had the same favourite song.

But, for some it happened instantly, for some… I guess one of the partners, just decided the other person was decent enough to worth their time, thus allowing them to become familiar to that person and then in the context when they were relaxed with each other, the connection happened.

Look at it this way – you want to build a bridge over a river. On the other bank, another person, has seen you and decides to help. The bridge doesn’t happen instantly, unless one of them is a wizard of some kind. And even then, magic has a cost and spells can be cancelled. But, if you coordinate efforts, use good materials and take the time, the bridge you create will be sturdy to sustain the connection for years to come. Because, unless you are some kind of psychopath, this is all we desperately want — a durable connection. And that takes time and work.

But still, maybe the connection these people are mentioning  is the thing that makes the other person across the river decide to start building that bridge with you. So, what would make the other person want to do that? Well, it’s all in the mind really, and in something we call coincidence. If you want it desperately enough, you will subconsciously look for a sign. And you will manufacture it yourself without even realizing.

But there are always the most logical of us that don’t believe in signs or don’t trust them and that prefer to really know the person across the river better before starting to build that damn bridge. Or maybe we’ve just been hurt so many times, and we tried building so many bridges only to have our time wasted and ended up with so many half bridges we’re just too exhausted to try again. Also age and past experience messes things up. With age some rationality of feelings should emerge. But it totally freaks me out when I hear grown men searching for a connection or waiting to fall in love and instantly if possible, because time is precious, they have so many things to do, and they want a reason to decide fast if that person is worth their time or not. But knowledge takes time. How the hell an adult does not know that? It took me more than two months to realize somebody wasn’t worth my time and I’ve lived in the same house with the guy for most of that time.

Think about it like this: how many of your friendships developed instantly? And how many have survived into adulthood? How long did it take you to designate somebody your best friend? Because being in a relationship with somebody, is like having a best friend that you also do kinky stuff with, and live with and make huge investments together. Well, a best friend is not a best friend when you meet him or her. They become your best friend in time, maybe even after some storms have rocked your friendship and sometimes even some distance was involved. (Just ask Marianul how many things our friendship has survived.)

As for me – since I’ve written such a long article about it I guess I owe you some under the bonnet info – the last time I felt a connection with somebody it was the end of our second date, when seemingly out of nowhere he pulled out a red rose. Being still young and a hopeless romantic it worked like a charm on me. As it turned out later, that gesture meant little to him, he did not gave me that flower because he thought I was special, or because he felt something special about me. He just thought that was the expected thing to do when you go out with a girl. So I guess, that was the last time I trusted my instincts and felt a connection. Because it was all me, it was all in my mind. It wasn’t real. I manufactured it because I needed it so badly.

And the mind is very good at playing tricks on you. But yeah, good luck to all you brave romantics for trusting your gut when it comes to connections. I envy your bravery.

Stay safe, stay happy.

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