Nov 25 2019

About knowing what you want

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 3:14

I’m an individual that did not follow pattern of development that society approves of. As in, I did not get married and I did not produce any future tax payers. Yet. And this is not because I did not want it.

Wanting to get married and have at least two kids was all I ever wanted since I was a kid myself. Now that I think about it, it’s not that I saw myself doing it, really. It was just the normal step people took in life after finishing school and getting a job. This is what my parents did, and this is what their parents did before them, allowing for the miracle leaf that is me to pop up on the family tree.

Problem is, my life turned out far different than I expected it to be. Meaning, I really don’t have smart people in my close family, I mean, I do not have smart people that actually made it big. I did not make it big either, not Mark Zuckerberg big, but I managed somehow to work in an industry where my first salary was bigger than my fathers’. And he had 20 year experience in his field at that time. So yeah, now you understand where the subtitle of my blog comes from.

Being raised by a super-catholic mother, I knew exactly how my life would be. I would marry a decent catholic boy, preferably with blue or green eyes, because my mother wanted the grankids to have a chance to have her eyes. And yes, I wanted at least two kids, and I was to raise them better than my mother raised my sister and me. And I would have a family that would be more sane and more functional than mine was.

And then a personal tragedy happened that made me doubt everything I believed in and everything I thought I wanted. I survived and managed to turn out a functional adult; an adult that is single at an age a little bit over thirty. Well, to quote Emma Watson, I’m not single I’m self-partenered. Sounds ridiculous, but it fits my situation. I don’t really need a partner, I’m very functional on my own. But somebody asked me recently what do I want.

And I found myself in the peculiar situation where I did not want to say I do not know, because it isn’t really what an adult would say. I was actually ashamed to provide that answer. But this is the truth. I’ve never been over thirty, single and fully independent before. When I wanted a family I was a scared kid that thought making it on her own was not a possibility. So I needed another person to build and maintain a family. But I’m not that kid anymore. I’m a full blown career woman, with a penchant for romance and a preference for peculiar people, in a world where half the marriages end in divorce. And I’m also Romanian in a country where most people dismiss me as a potential partner because of my nationality.

So yeah, I do not know what I want. My expectations about my future are still a blank canvas. And it is a normal situation given what the road so far has been for me. I can make plans for myself and work hard to fulfil them. But I haven’t given up the possibility of stumbling on a partner yet. And if I do, if I’m that lucky, everything I plan for will have to change. Because, you cannot include a person in your life and keep your life the same. A new person brings a lot of new things into somebody’s life. I might like some of them, I might be able to tolerate some of them and some of then I won’t and they will have to change. It goes the same for me. There are things I will have to give up to make some version of partnership happen. Problem is, all those things depend on that person I haven’t met yet. He or she might want kids and I love kids, so I might end up adopting or having some. He or she might like to travel all over the world and I love to travel. So I might sell everything, buy a camper van and live on the road and see the whole world. He or she might be allergic to cats, so I’ll have the … give he or she up. Because the cat is where I draw the line.

So yeah dude or dudette, if you are out there come find me, I think it’s obvious I’m really bad at finding you. And I won’t be able to know what I want until I meet you.

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