Jan 20 2020

The bad one

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:15

As a social animal I am programmed to be longing and actively looking for companionship. But at the same time it angers me that it is frowned upon being totally inert and doing whatever the hell you want with your life without involving another.

As a bonus I’m in my late thirty’s which makes dating terrifying, because I know to much. I know about the billion ways in which relationships can go wrong. Also I am not worried only about me getting hurt, but I am also worried about hurting someone, because I do not want to feel guilty about it. Because felling guilty, feeling ashamed of the consequences of my actions keeps me up at night. And I need my sleep to keep functioning normally in this society.

I “fell in love”-or-whatever-that-means the previous year and it was like getting out in front of my house to pick up a package and having a piano dropped on me. Yes. Just like in a cartoon, but the pain was real.

I think I “fell in love” or “got infatuated” or just had a crush, no idea how to name it in 2016. It felt as falling in the shower. Here you are being comfortable, in a cozy familiar place and then bam, you are down on the floor in an uncomfortable position and some things sorta hurt. I felt like I was losing control of my life, making decisions that I wouldn’t have done under normal circumstances. Like now, then I was writing one of my technical books. I lost entire nights chatting with him on facebook messenger, going on late night drives and I’ve even designed the itinerary of my US vacation so I could see him. And I did not mind doing all that, but you know what hurt the most? He wasn’t making the same effort for me. At some point, after other sleepless nights asking myself where was that going, the rational part of me won and I stopped making decisions as to favour my relationship with him. Because he obviously wasn’t doing it. It takes two knowledgeable and in sync partners to tango. We were none of those things.

I was wondering whether some people simply were meant to be completely alone, to be actual islands unto themselves.

Most look for the partner that completes them, we even have a legend about people being wonderful creatures with 2 heads, 4 arms and legs and how they were split in two by an evil envious god and now they spend their life looking for their half.

But I do not consider myself a half-person; actually this idea terrifies me. Because if I’m missing something, I’ll be using another person to get what I need. And what if I cannot offer them what they need? I do not want to be the bad one. The one that took advantage of the feelings of another person. I do not want the guilt that comes it it. Because guilt leads to insomnia. Insomnia leads to bad decision making.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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