Feb 15 2020

It was Valentine’s day

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 15:53

Friday was a decent day for me. My insomnia caused me to be a little bit dysfunctional at work, which means I have to recover that sometime soon, but I managed to get my car to the dealership for the annual MOT. (check-up and fix-up to make sure the car is still safe to be driven on public roads) Surprisingly although I have seen some problems here in there, there was nothing so bad that needed fixing that was not included in my warranty.

I got my car from the dealership, cancelled my plans for a board games night with friends and decided to head home and just crash into bed hoping that I will drift off to sleep. Considering my eyes and head still hurt because of barely sleeping three hours the previous night, it should have been easy-peasy.

But no… there I was squirming in my bed, unable to read and unable to sleep until 3:00 am. Again. I finally went to sleep and managed to wake up at 10:30 am. Seven hours and a half is better than three hours of sleep, but still, it was far from enough not enough.

To summarize: I worked and I squirmed in my bed and slept all throughout Valentine’s day. Not the ideal way to spend Valentine’s day, but hey considering I am a spinster, there could have been worse ways.

Anyway, my cat’s birthday is on the 14th of February. The irony is that cat love is basically rape driven by nature’s way of making sure the species survives. It’s not her real birthday. Since I adopted my cat when she was two or three years old, and she was a stray until then, there is no way to know her real birthday. Her birthday was decided at first day at the vet when I got her sterilized. I know, even more ironic, right?

This year in May, it will be six years since my last relationship ended. Before, when I were in a relationship I was terrified of being alone for too long, and even one year without a partner seemed inconceivable. My fear was probably rooted in my low self esteem and it was fuelled by all my insecurities, especially the ones related to: not being attractive enough, not being womanly and lady-like enough, not being young enough to attract a valid mate. It is so liberating to realize I do not need a valid mate -fucking hell, not sure I know what that even meant for me back then, and I clearly have no idea what that means now.

Luckily that time has passed, I am not saying I am not insecure anymore, but I am unsecure about other things that are not so superficial and vain. I am unsecure about things that I could change if I was willing to deem them crippling enough. And I am no longer in a quest of finding a valid mate. Because if I would find it, I would have honestly no idea where to go from there.

I hope you had a chill Valentine’s day!


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