Sep 26 2020

The nineteenth year

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:34

Every September I start thinking of you, randomly, here and there. You pop up in my mind how you used to be, how I remember you. But every year that passes my memories of you are more and more distorted probably, and some of them are totally missing. And I don’t know if I’m crying because you are not here, or because my memories of you are slowly disappearing.

People say young love is not really love, since it is based on growth hormones going rampant in a teenage body. But quite a few years have passed since I was twelve and I know the way I love changed a lot. I am colder now, more rational and I run away at the first sign that my feelings impair my rational thinking. The tragedy of my upbringing manifests in my romantic choices never being the right ones; I am attracted to broken people as a moth to a flame.

But you, you were my first true love.
I loved you without any consideration for who you were and where you came from.
I was interested in where you grew up and school you went to because I was looking for things we could have in common even if you were from miles away.
I loved you so much I never thought of the man you would be, never lost time to think about your potential to keep a steady job or how you would be as a father.
My love for you was so innocent and pure and not tainted by society rules, opinions on what love should be. I had nothing to compare it to and I was not interested in doing so.
I loved you with a love so true, that nothing else mattered in this world, but your happiness.

After you were gone, I’ve seen you in a few people, but they all ended up disappointing me by … not being you. It was unfair and fucked up of me to expect them to be in the first place. But I didn’t do it intentionally, I would just catch a glimpse of their eyes, or a crooked smile and I would see you. And I was reminded that you are no longer here, but couldn’t help thinking that parts of you are still here.

If there is a heaven and a hell, I think this life that we are living must be hell, because all the persons that are genuinely good and kind and could make this world better, seem to disappear before they have the chance to make a lasting impact. And that leaves us, the bad ones, to struggle to make this world better and failing at our mission. It’s like the Devil plays this sick game with some of us, making us meet these wonderful persons to give us hope and then crushing it by taking them away.

Heh… oh well, as long as I’m still here I’d better make it interesting. I still miss you though.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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One Response to “The nineteenth year”

  1. Jose Sousa says:

    hope u find what you need to make that pain go away :)

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