Nov 18 2020

I have a castle, what do you have?

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:54

Most people from my generation have met their spouses while in school, high-school or during university, when we all had quite a limited universe. Also, social media was not the phenomenon it is today. Those who haven’t, they’ve met their partners at their first job, sometimes within big companies, so there was a big… matching pool. Not all of them have stayed married, but that is none of my business.

Dating after 30 is difficult for various reasons. By that time society expects us to have all our ducks in a row: to have a stable job, to own a decent enough car and a roof over our heads. Whether we like it or not, dating in your 30’s is no longer about your heart beating faster, kisses in the moonlight or finding yourself in the other person. Dating in your 30s and beyond is about finding somebody you can grow old with and that you admire so much, the prospect of taking care of them in case their health takes a bad turn won’t terrify you. Or if it does, living without them would terrify you even more.

Unfortunately, by the time you are 30 you know how many facets a person can have and trust is not easy given and it is so hard to gain. So, we try to compute the possibility of a person being worthy of trust, mostly by those three factors.

If they have a stable job, it means they probably are not sociopaths, they can communicate with other people, are not bothered by routine and they can obviously take care of themselves, which is nice.

If they have a car, they are probably mentally pretty sane since they’ve passed the psychological test required to be allowed to drive. Also, they are responsible enough to keep the metal monster in good shape, so they are responsible. If you know what you are looking for, a car and their behavior while driving can tell you a lot about a person.

If they own an apartment or house, well… regardless if they have a mortgage or not, having a roof over your head is a pretty damn good proof you are a capable adult. I mean, you have shelter from the rain and from the cold, that’s pretty damn big.

So, when we date, we tend to analyze these factors and imagine how our life would look like in the future.

I’ve done this myself when I dated a taxi driver. My job pays better, so I can save a little and my vacations tend to be in places that are somewhat expensive, and sometimes I buy expensive items, just because my mind is set on doing it and cannot stop. I have a 37-year-old bottle of whiskey in my house. I bought it last year for my birthday, because I was feeling pretty good about myself and felt like I wanted to buy myself a special present. He could not afford to go with me on vacation and here was my dilemma: should I have paid for him to come with me? Was it a worthy investment? And if we got together, how would we pay for a house? What if we divorced? How would we split it? What if he decides he wants kids? So many questions, and answering them was so difficult, I decided to stop wasting our time.

I also have a different type of story. I went on exactly one date with a guy that owned a castle. It wasn’t a really big castle, but a castle and the land around it is no small thing. He was a financial investor of some kind, one of those jobs you have to have some money from the start to have the confidence to do. He seems smart and not bad to look at, and we had a conversation that lasted about two hours, but during the conversation I was able to read the following question in his eyes: “I have a castle, what do you have?”.

He was polite, he was the perfect gentleman and offered to pay for lunch, but after he never spoke to me again. So, I guess I read him right.

I am not ashamed of my achievements, compared to my starting point in life, I’m doing way better than expected. But even his starting point in life was probably above my current point in life. And looking at him I imagined a future life with him looking down on me for being less financially “gifted” than he was. And I did not like it.

It’s so stupid and unrealistic to start a date by exchanging financial statements, but without the help of puberty hormones and stomach butterflies…dating after 30s is just … negotiating a good contract.

So, if I were to be truly honest, this would be my Tinder sell-point: I’ll wipe your incontinent ass when the time comes, will you deal with my Alzheimer’s? I don’t want ownership over anything that is yours, as long as you won’t request ownership over anything that is mine. Does this sound like a good deal?

But I’m not on Tinder anymore and I realized online dating is not for me.

Stay safe, stay happy!

3 Responses to “I have a castle, what do you have?”

  1. Cristina says:

    Wow!!! why is dating about what the other person has materially? or whether you would be loyal enough to take care of someone else’s illness? It should be about fun, sharing laughter and companionship on activities you both enjoy!!!

    I mean the only point of involving the material part, is when you get kids together, but otherwise, everyone should be able to deal with their own sh*t. That’s why we’re called adults. If the one close to you wants to pitch in with help, that’s admirable, but shouldn’t be a requirement.

    Also you don’t need expensive holidays, to enjoy things with another person, when you’re well suited as a pair. I’ve found myself having the most expensive holidays, at the moments I was trying to save a marriage, that was doomed to fail. And guess what? all the holidays in the Caribbean in 5 star resorts, could not solve the fact of being too different as way of thinking and seeing life.

  2. Iuliana says:

    After 30, it is all about the money. If financially your are not at almost the same level, anything else will be affected. Even the definition of fun is different depending on the money you have, which leaves you with less things in common.

  3. Cristina says:

    It can be about the money, at any age. If not yours, then the ones you get from your parents. Future is never warranted, so even if you find a partner at the same financial level, he or she could die earlier than you, meaning you could still be left vulnerable and on your own, or one could get sick and make less later.

    I don’t advise dating directly under your level, the guy would either feel emasculated, on the long run, or would be someone who plans to stick around just for the ease and benefits.
    But I would run, if a guy, after knowing you’re a financially independent woman, directly starts comparing what you own against his. That isn’t normal, unless you plan discussing salary statements, bank account saldo’s and ownership papers for the rest of your life together ;) and then make it a competition, just in case you get bored :)

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