Dec 25 2020

Somewhere I belong

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 8:23

People are so good at hurting other people, and one of the most efficient ways to make somebody doubt themselves and basically stunt them in whatever they are trying to do, is to make them feel like they don’t belong.

Because of multiple circumstances, most of my childhood, adolescence and a big piece of my adulthood might as well have the following song as an anthem:

When I was fighting depression and suicidal thoughts in high school, if somebody would have asked me to explain how I felt this is what I would have said.

I feel like I do not fit. I do not feel comfortable when I am at home. I do not feel comfortable when I am at school. I do not feel comfortable with my friends. I do not feel comfortable when I am alone. I feel detached from everything and everyone. I feel like everybody knows how to live their lives but me. I just feel like a piece of puzzle that has been forced into a place it doesn’t belong.

Every time my parents moved, every time I moved into a new place, there was at least one person that felt the need to remind me that I was either weird, that I did not live there, that I do not belong and that I should get back to where I came from. When I was young, I felt hurt every time I had to deal with this shit, because I had no idea where I belonged. I was born in Romania, but I’ve never felt like I belonged there.

But here I am, an adult, living in Scotland. And I finally feel like I belong. I came to this country because I did not like my own. I’m not blind, and I’m not stupid. I know that the overall image of Romanians here is more than a little tarnished because of Romanian Gypsies. I can’t be upset with the UK for not liking Romanians. It’s human to generalize. But should I assume every UK person is a disrespectful, cold-hearted stingy alcoholic snob? Because I don’t. Thus, I would be very grateful not to be treated as a typical Romanian would be treated here. Because I am not a typical Romanian. I left my country because I did not fit there. I had the courage and the resources to leave and go out looking for the place where I would fit.

People are not trees; they are not rooted in a single place on the ground with no choice. People can move and find the place where they feel like they belong.  And when they do, they bloom, they become the best version of themselves and everything and everyone around them benefits. Nobody can tell you where you belong, because it’s someting you feel.

A month ago, a neighbor and I had fight with over a public parking spot – a fight I did not start, a fight that could have been avoided – repeated what I have heard in one way or another all my life so far, that I do not belong here. Well, tough luck sir. I have the pre-settled status, so Scotland officials say I am allowed to be here until 2025. Because of the fight we had, I decided nobody ever again will get to tell me where I belong. So, I am currently in the process of buying an apartment with its own parking space in an underground garage.

It was a long time coming, and I have avoided the moment of buying a house for a long time, because I am a very peculiar person. And no matter how beautiful a house or an apartment is, I want to feel comfortable with the area, I am pretentions about the infrastructure and there was never an ideal combination that I would feel comfortable to lock myself into a 25-year contract with a bank for.

But the moment is here, I have found a place and a location that checks all my boxes, and I am doing this. I received the news of my offer was accepted on the 23rd of December, so I guess I’ve just made myself the most amazing Christmas gift. I have finally found the place where I belong and I am ready to put down roots, in Kirkcaldy, Scotland.

Talk about ending 2020 with a bang, right?

Stay safe, stay happy! And Merry Christmas!

2 Responses to “Somewhere I belong”

  1. Cristina says:

    Congratulations on your new home!!! The pictures on Kirkcaldy show a nice sea front! And on the belonging part, no matter where you go there will always be mean people. They are just envious and mean, but instead they tell you a lie. You are your home, take care of yourself.

  2. Iuliana says:

    Thank you! Kirkcaldy is very beautiful and cosy. If the the deal doesn’t fall through, and I get to buy the appartment I dream of, you are invited over after the pandemic ends. :) You will probably love it. :D

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