Mar 28 2021

Nature, nurture and paying taxes

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 13:30

I was wasting some time on reddit and found a few entries related to women, relationships and how the possibility of having kids affected the men-women dynamic.

Somebody asked at some point if women are just walking uteruses for men. I’ve replied that yes, because that is the only thing that they cannot do and that I hate it. Some trans people got into the discussion and everything digressed horribly, so I thought I would write a few words here, on my blog, where I am God, where I have the bread, butter and I also yield the knife. :D

Without talking about other genders than male and female, as a heterosexual and a woman, just try to date and put upfront that you don’t want or can’t have children and see how many of the men actually continue the relationship and love you for you, and not for the ability of passing on their genes.

Maybe it’s nature, maybe it’s education, but most men want to pass their genes on and if they can’t, they will deny themselves a partner who fits them perfectly in every other way. To me this behaviour is crazy. Because if we were to take the self-preservation instinct into account, a full-blown adult is a much safer bet than a bunch of to-be-decided ones, that you have to nurture and take care of until they are adults and able to be a support for you. And that is, if they are born healthy and, if society doesn’t fuck them up.

We can blame society for programming people to have kids, regardless if they can afford it or not, regardless if they can be good parents or not. We can also blame the religion for this. After all, there is a snippet in the bible (and equivalent important books) that urges people to take over the earth, be fruitful and multiply. We can also blame the typical human pride and self-entitlement and having kids just so the wealth can be passed on to the next generation.

In more successful societies where people (well, most of them) are able to save money and plan for retirement, having kids is no longer a necessity. As you know by now, I was born in Romania in a very poor family. I’ve seen this many times around me and I know that poor families have kids because they rely on their support when they are old. Hell, my mother told me and my sister so repeatedly while growing up. And another thing that poor families do is program their kids with this obligation of having kids themselves. They drill it into their heads, regardless of their gender. And this is because they cannot imagine a different kind of life for their kids than the one they had. So, if they needed the support from their kids when they were old, their kids will need the support of their kids when they are old and so on. Breaking this loop requires effort and requires the audacity of thinking that the parents are … well … wrong.

Families that are not extremely poor do not rely on that extra support when they are old, and thus having kids becomes a pleasure rather than a necessity. For two partners that are not worried about retirement, having kids is something they decide to do because they love each other. They don’t have kids out of necessity, and thus the kids are treated better, educated better and taught that having kids is a choice. That is why people that are a little bit wealthier and a little bit more educated sometimes decide to not have kids or have less of them. At the other extreme is the people that have a shitload of money, and they multiply because of that pride and self-entitlement. I mean, you have to look at people like Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and the British royal family and you know what I’m talking about. This kind of persons believe that the world is thier oyster and they should have as many kids as possible because thier genes are worthy of being passed on.

From my own experience I can tell you the following. When I wanted to have kids, my partners thought they were too young to think about it. The relationships died off because of other reasons. Looking back, I wanted kids for the wrong reasons. The reasons that my parents taught me I should want the kids for. After my last relationship died off, I stopped wanting kids and that is because for the first time in my life, instead of focusing on my relationship, I had the time to focus on myself, on my friends and on the world around me beyond my damn relationship. So, I had the time to finally think of my own reasons for having kids. And guess what… I cannot see any.

Also, as a child that was brought to this world not because of the love between to people, not because of an informed decision of two people, but because communists and Catholics made de decision for my parents, I never felt loved and wanted. And I probably wasn’t, since my father was mostly absent and my mother repeatedly reminded me and my sister that destroyed her body and her life by existing. I’ve never felt loved, wanted and appreciated for me as a person, for how I think, for what I want, for how I see the world, for my part in somebody’s life. I want a partner to love me, not what I can do for them. I want them to love me. I want to be the most important thing for them. Not my kids. Am I selfish, is it too much to ask to finally matter for somebody? I want them to want me, not my damn eggs. And this comes from that lack of love growing up. Maybe if my parents would have loved me more and made me feel like I matter, my love jar would be overflowing and I would be ready to risk my life and give some of it to some copies of me. But this is not how my life went. And I deserve love, I deserve to matter. In my mind, when a partner leaves because a woman doesn’t want kids, what they basically say is “I don’t love you, you don’t really matter to me. All you are to me is a means to get what I truly love.” Who would want to be just a ustensil for somebody else getting what they want?

I really don’t get it. This planet is full of people already, the weather is going crazy because of global warming and the politicians are getting more incompetent and more autocratic everywhere. People are being killed in Myanmar, North Korea and some states in Africa. And don’t even get me started with the US and their school shootings. Women are still treated as less than animals in some Arab counties. We are yet to fix the problems of this world, and bringing more people into it, people that will be defenceless for more than 10 years seems ludicrous to me.

Also, while talking taxes to one of my colleagues, I reached this conclusion. As a citizen of any country, you pay takes. Your taxes are money you have to loan to your politicians. They are supposed to use that money to make life more comfortable for you.  Also, you get a bit of that money back, if you have kids, that will loan money to the politicians when their time comes. So, the only way to stop loaning money to your politicians is to create other people to loan money to them instead. And considering what I’ve mentioned earlier that politicians are getting more incompetent and more autocratic; would you want to subject your children to this world? Basically, in more civilized societies, the only reason you are motivated to have children is to produce more taxpayers. Are you ok with that?

There is no conclusion to this entry. These are just random thoughts that pop into my head when one situation or another takes me into the whirlwind rationale for having kids. Because even if I know I cannot afford a kid, nor I consider this world a worthy one for my genes to propagate into, nor my family a worthy one to be propagated after thinking for thirty years that I want kids, I still sometimes think… what if?

Stay safe, stay happy!

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One Response to “Nature, nurture and paying taxes”

  1. b.m says:

    “Maybe it’s nature, maybe it’s education, but most men want to pass their genes on and if they can’t, they will deny themselves a partner who fits them perfectly in every other way.”

    Surprisingly I heard it from the other angle, where women (>35) tried to communicate their husbands they’re ready, however said men weren’t so keen on having kids. However, back to the topic:

    For me kids are part of what means growing up in this journey we call life. If me and my wife couldn’t have had kids, we would have adopted, not even a single question about it between us. If she’d be against it, she wouldn’t have “completed me in any other way”, she would be lacking in what I see as a fundamental value for our relationship. That’s not something fixable. I decided to marry a single time, have a bunch of kids, and stay married no matter what happens.

    I get it’s not _your_ value, and that’s fine, you do you. If it works for you, it works for you. But it wouldn’t work for me any other way.

    I don’t see this as denying myself anything. It’s about making the right choice for the long run. Selecting a choice that you know in the long run is bound for disappointment is just poor judgement.

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