Apr 14 2021

I am not a happy drunk

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:23

Yup, I am sorta’ drunk. I don’t do this often, I mean, getting drunk and/or writing while drunk too.  But I am aware that alcohol relaxes some boundaries and allows some true thoughts and instincts to come to the surface. And because I am a nutter that doesn’t give a flying fuck, here I am writing a blog post while I am drunk.

I had a chat with some of my dearest friends this week. One of them told me that she had the vaccine and a funny side-effect of it is that she cannot drink more than a quarter of a beer without feeling sick. So… good news for alcoholics, I guess? But this is bad news for her because she has two pre-pubescent children. She needs that beer for fucks sake! The other one told me that a little bit of (Romanian) country wine made the bed swirl with her when she went to bed.

Maybe it’s not the vaccine, maybe we are just getting old. Because more than a week ago I panic attack after 100ml of whiskey. And while I’m writing this, I am finishing my third beer and I already feel… sad. Because, although I desire it, I am not a happy drunk.  During the first beer I am jolly, but after that I turn into a fucking cynical philosopher like Diogenes. I’m pretty realistic and sarcastic when sober but add enough alcohol and I can make grown men cry.

Look, I’ve lived on this planet for the last thirty-eight years, I know I am strong, resilient, incredible to survive and grow the way I did. And I also know there are people that had it rougher than me. So, every time I try to pat myself on the back for my achievements, there is that voice in the back of my head asking: “But really, are you that great or are you just lying to yourself?”

Because I know I am great, but I don’t feel great. Where is this coming from? Well… I am the only woman in the engineering department currently. I am part of the interview process and believe me I wish any of the woman candidates would pass the second interview, but so far, they haven’t. And I am part of the interview process, I can guarantee there is no discrimination there. We just look for good developers, it doesn’t matter the race, color or gender. I just wish sometimes there was another woman in the team, because sometimes, when a build crashes or an obvious solution escapes me, my first thought is “Why the fuck this seems easier for my men colleagues? Is there something wrong with me? Is there some knowledge I can’ t grasp because of my gender?” And I wish this woman in the team was older and more tech savvy, because then I could console myself by saying: “It’s ok Iuliana, you are not the smartest, and it’s ok.” But now it just feels like “You are not as smart as your fellow men”. Because it took me one day to figure out why my test was failing, while the new guy figured it out in minutes. How should I stop myself from thinking that I am just not as good as the men?

I know this is just a random event. And I shouldn’t make it mean more than it does.  But here I am after a few beers being tormented again by imposter syndrome.

I wish I were a happy drunk. I wish I had the confidence men have in this domain. But here I am, terrified of helping a newcomer, because my advice might be deprecated, useless or … just plain wrong. Here I am hoping that my build passes, and I don’t have to go down a rabbit-hole nobody dared going until now.

I’m not a happy drunk. When I get drunk, I remember all my pain. I remember the pain of my ancestors that has been passed through generations until I said “ENOUGH!!!”. And I try to look at it as an instrument for growth.  But there is that nagging part of me that asks, “What if all this, YOU, were possible without all this pain?”.

Also, a while ago, when I got drunk with on whiskey, I kinda’ thought about the repercussions of me falling in love with somebody and my feelings being reciprocated.  Depending on who that person is, where they live and work … somebody will have to make some changes. And I realized I am terrified of making changes, especially now that I bought my dream flat. It sounds cruel, cold and unfair, but if somebody loves me truly, they should understand that I’ve been dreaming of owning this flat since I was a teenager and I won’t give it up.  So… they have to adapt to… me.

And I now realize how hard, how difficult it is to be in a relationship. It is close to impossible to find somebody that will want the same things as you do. So, if they love you, truly, they will compromise. They will give up one or more things important to them just to see you happy, because after all you are the most important thing to them. And if you love them, truly, you will compromise too, without telling them of course. You wouldn’t want to make them feel guilty, right?

This is the reason why for a lot of years I thought I wanted children and I would make a good parent. I never really wanted kids, but I thought that I met somebody so wonderful that life made no sense without them, and they wanted kids, I will probably have them. After all, they would be a part of this wonderful person, right? And this was the compromise I was willing to do. But idiot and love-sick as I was, I never even thought, what would be their compromise? Would they consider the fact that I did not want to have kids because of a lot of logical reasons and decide that they would rather be with me and not have kids?

I am not a happy drunk. When I get drunk, I cry for my mother that had me and my sister and did not want any of us; the Romano Catholic religion and the Communist Party decided for her. She abused us physically and emotionally, as her mother did with her. Her mother did not want her and her brothers either. And so on, trauma passed on from generation to generation…

I know, I’ being a drama queen, a snowflake hipster. Call me whatever you want. This does not change the fact that most times I do not feel that I am enough, professionally or personally.

Why am I drunk tonight? I have no idea. Maybe because my old neighbor is in the hospital, struggling to survive cancer. And I got attached to her a little too much. She is a mother without a daughter; her daughter died. I am a daughter without a mother, because my mother was never worthy of being called a mother. We’ve met when I moved into my new place, and she was nice to me. And now she is sick, and I cannot help her in any way. And it breaks my heart. If you believe in karma or the universe trying to keep balance, this is it; the proof you were looking for. It’s ironic that I’ve abandoned my family because of the hurt they caused me, only to find somebody to attach to that will get me anway.

I’m at the fifth beer now, smaller one, 330ml, the ones I call droplets, because for somebody used to drink 500ml beers, this is what they feel like, a droplet. I’m not even sure how these things can get me drunk. Old age, I am sure of it.

One of my favorite bands, Switchfoot has a song called you, that goes like this: There’s always something in the way? There’s always something getting through/ It’s not me, it’s you, it’s you Then why do I feel like it is me?

Also, the heart is where is the war is won, and your love is a gun. So, my heart is at peace. I am aware of my own value. I am not dreaming. I wrote books that helped people become developers. I made it happen. I don’t care what the future holds. I am enjoying the present.

What is the meaning of my life, of my existence? I have no idea. I have no idea what the future holds for me. But I hope it is interesting. And I will grow and figure it out without hurting anyone, if possible. Otherwise, please forgive me, or at least try to understand!

Stay safe, stay happy!

 

 

 

 

 

3 Responses to “I am not a happy drunk”

  1. Elisei T says:

    Ha ha! Very *un-orthodox* blog post! I had quite a few colleagues that were pretty good on their roles. Is not a gender thing – from my humble point of view. The struggle is real – though. I can say by sharing the same country – but other period (I was a small child in ’89) I do get your point and you are right. I encourage (if you need any**) you to read a book, The Courage To Be Disliked, How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness – Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga

    Multa bafta! si multumesc pentru Pivotal Certified Professional Core Spring 5 Developer Exam, A Study Guide Using Spring Framework 5 (am cumparat nu am piratat :P )

  2. Iuliana says:

    Yeah … the ending went off the rails a little. :)))
    No worries, I’ve managed a difficult fix yesterday while hangover. I’ve got this under control. :D

    Multumesc ca ai cumparat cartea! Daca ajungi vreodata prin Scotia da un semn, sa iesim la o bere. ;)

    Cheers!

  3. falken says:

    up and running ))

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