Jun 23 2021

The one where I have yet another epiphany

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:46

I must confess I pretty much forced myself to write this entry.  When I do not write for a long time my friends start to worry. The only two reasons I stop writing is because I am either swamped with work, or I’m in a depressive bout.

Anyway, I’m still not fully ok, but I will be, and I will write an entry about this dark period at some point. However, today I had a realization and I want to write about it.

Most of my life has been governed by three emotions: anger, fear and sadness. When I was young fear was dominant. I feared being bullied and beaten by other kids. I feared the physical punishments my parents used to motivate me to get bigger grades in school. And I feared God, because he saw everything, and I was a naughty child.

And then after I turned 18, anger took over. I was angry that Bogdan died. I was angry the world continued to exist as nothing had happened and I was angry nobody around me seemed to know what was missing from the world, and why I was so angry about it.
I was angry that I was forced to study something I did not want to. I was angry I had to freeze in the computer lab just to stay afloat with my grades, because I was too poor to afford my own computer. I was angry my first boyfriend dumped me and found himself a new girlfriend when my heart was still broken.

I remember being so angry I could punch a wall. I actually did it once. And when I couldn’t punch a wall, I went running to consume my anger. I started doing martial arts so I’ll have the discipline to control it and stop punching walls, obviously. And believe whatever you want, but when anger is released in the right direction is feels so good.

Anyway, I poured that anger into my poetry. I poured it into my exercise routine. I poured it into my studies, which caused a vicious loop because I was also angry for not being good enough. I poured it into everything. And when I could not pour it, I would leave it at the bottom of a bottle. I drank so much, and I smoked so much, but my liver did not give in, nor did my lungs, nor my brains. I was condemned to … life. Even this blog was created because I needed a place to express my anger freely.

I continued living, and slowly things have gotten better. Or I just had more responsibilities, so I had no time to be angry. Or maybe I did not have the strength anymore. I’m not sure what happened, but I can tell you for sure that anger has subsided. Anger has become unnecessary, but something else expanded and took its place, sadness.

I no longer feel angry. I no longer have the will to fight the unfairness of this world. I no longer have the will to fight with people and get it done my way, because in the grand scheme of things, me being right and getting somebody to agree with me doesn’t mean much. I no longer have the strength to fight for causes I used to think were worth fighting for. I no longer need to find a person to blame and give them hell. Now I just feel sad.

When I feel sad, I just lay in one of my comfy bean bags with my cats, with some hot tea and a good book I get lost in it. Sometimes I drink, sometimes I have a brownie and sleep more than I’d like or need. Maybe I am older, and I realized how little control I have over the world around me. Maybe I realized I don’t have the power to change the world.

I’m not sure this is better. Being angry is like living next to an active volcano. You can harvest that energy from time to time. Sure, sometimes it erupts, and it destroys everything. It burns bridges and consumes relationships. But at least, it is active, it is there, keeping you … moving.

Sadness? Sadness just is. Sadness promotes apathy. Sadness is the opposite. Sadness is lack of energy and initiative. Sadness keeps you inert. How many sad people have changed the word because they were sad?
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I really, really miss the ability to get angry.
Stay safe, stay happy!

2 Responses to “The one where I have yet another epiphany”

  1. Alvin says:

    I can relate, Anger has played a huge part in shaping my life. I have also taken to martial arts, specifically Aikido, to help redirect it, yet it is still there as a path.

    Thanks for adorning the internet with your anger, sadness and all in between. Cat pics included. Your work has played a part in helping me land my first position as a Junior engineer. *bow*

    Because feelings drive my world, I’ll share with you this poem that I’ve been reflecting on from the Radiance Sutras:

    Close your eyes and imagine
    An expanse of terrible darkness surrounds you-
    No objects, no light, no moon, no stars-
    Nothing but blackness spreading to infinity.

    Do not shrink in terror; do not turn away.
    Give yourself to the blackness
    With no hope of light.
    Surrender completely.

    Contemplating this feeling,
    Merge with the mystery of night.

    Cheers!

    P.S. perhaps a cliche at this point but Sad music has certainly changed the world for me. Gave me important context for all of these feelings I had but didn’t know how to shift out of my body.

  2. Iuliana says:

    Hello Alvin, thank you for your comment and thank you for letting me know of my contribution to your carrer. I wish you the best of luck and may our paths cross one day!

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