Sep 03 2021

The one where I found out I’m a lover not a fighter

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:48

Alcohol dampens the control mechanisms of a person. Depending on the type of person they are and what they are feeling, the way they manifest when drunk differs as well. Most people get happy, or sad, and in the worst cases they get violent. Unless they happen to go to sleep until they get there.

There haven’t been many times when I got drunk, truly drunk. I got tipsy, but drunk, as in total lack of control and then blackout, only twice. Or so I thought.

The last time it happened I had some conversations with my friends that I cannot recall, but one of those things I’ve said was the weirdest. I’ve only made one truly good friend in Scotland, and he is an Italian guy ten years my junior. We’ve been there for each other while going through some similar journey and life events and we both love cats. That is enough for a solid friendship for me. :)

When I got drunk the last time – I did not intend to get drunk, I just forgot to eat for lunch and then decided to participate to a remote drinking event with my colleagues – I said a lot of things to a lot of people. I was also in the middle of a conversation with this friend of mine, one sprinkled with jokes and memes. As the alcohol did its job, I just sent him a message saying, “whatever happens, I love you”. He took it as part of that very sarcastic conversation we were having and ignored it. I woke up the following morning and looked at that message and I did not remember sending it, or the reason for sending it. There are two possibilities: I was either feeling so sick from alcohol I thought I was going to die, or I was thinking about suicide again, and decided to let this person know they are loved before any of that happened.

After that mishap, I took a hiatus from alcohol, and even now I cannot drink more than one beer, more than one glass of wine and I cannot even look at whiskey yet. Not without a little fear, because if my suicidal thoughts came back when my rational brains were inactive, it means I am not fully healed and so I need a sliver of self-control to stay on the right path. So, I will probably never risk being totally out of control again.

Beside this blackout event, I thought I only had only one other in my last year of university. I’m not gonna‘ talk about that one. That is not one of my proudest moments.

But apparently there was another one in 2012(maybe) and I found out about this one today, in the middle of one of those sarcastic conversations with another good friend of mine. I remember that night, sort of. I remember drinking Stroh(the 80 degrees one) and it was so perfumed and sweet, that it tricked me and I’ve had more than I could handle. I remember my brains being rational, but the rest of my body including my mouth were not so good at rendering the messages. I remember my boyfriend being upset with me the next day, but he was always upset with me when I drank, even if I did not get drunk, so I just tried to make it up to him by being extra nice for a while and that was it. However, this friend told me today that I told him I love him. Yup, in front of my then boyfriend. Now it made so much sense why he was so angry.

Considering that I’ve never had any romantic or sexual interest towards any of these guys, declaring my love for these guys is nothing else but expressing the strong attachment I have to them. But … why did I need to let them know? I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I think I’ve found the answer.

See, because of my toxic upbringing, and my parents basically treating me like I was worthless I have had serious self-esteem issues. I am still plagued(sometimes) by self-doubt and feeling of just not being enough, or not being lovable. Because of this and I am grateful for every friend I have, because I obviously feel like I don’t deserve them. So, damn right I love them! Also, since I was and am so good at hiding how I felt about myself, just in case they are in the same situation I want them to know that they are loved and appreciated.

I’ve grew up in a house hold where love was just a word used in movies and saying “I love you” was seen as stupid, a weakness and it was ridiculed. After leaving the home of my parents, I wanted to say it to somebody and mean it and I wanted somebody to say it back to me and mean it. A part of me still wants that. And another part of me has realized that love is not always linked to romantic feelings, and you can love your friends and your cats, and they will love you back. Some of them might not say it, but they show it: by always having roe salad in their fridge, collecting lavender products for when you come visit, by bringing illegal cinnamon into the UK(I should probably write an entry about this :D) or by gifting you a book that helps you make sense of your past and how it affected you as an adult and help you heal.

Damn right I love my friends, and I will tell them whenever I feel like it!

Stay safe, stay happy!

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