Oct 08 2021

A few thoughts before going to sleep

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:56

I have friends and we talk and since most of them are single we talk about satisfying their companionship needs and dating. I watch their struggles and wish the best for them, but daamn dating is hard. I don’t have the patience, not the time to do what they do, just … hang with somebody they barely know with the sole purpose of knowing them better. When I used to date, we had a common goal, passing exams or scoring at basketball.

Dating is especially  hard when you are over 30, with all your shit together and during a pandemic. Or you meet somebody that checks most of your boxes and they end up being anti-vaxxers, religious, bold, vegan, want kids or … they are allergic to cats, or all of these.

So, add in a few almost traumatic previous relationships and losing the love of your life at 18 and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a spinster.

That’s me, in case it wasn’t obvious. The irony is that I used to believe in love, write lyrics and songs about it, dreaming about the forever ever after. And then life happened, real unexpected, unforgiving, ruthless life. Because life doesn’t care who you are, how you feel, life just happens.

I am trying to be hopeful, to think about love with optimism, but I am afraid I can’t. I guess I am just too old and too anchored in reality to see love like that beautiful, dreamy thing I used to strive for when I was young and … naive.

Nowadays, when someone is nice to me, I just overthink it. When somebody says they like me I am asking in my mind, what do they like, really? Do they like the color of my eyes, hair, the proportions of my body, the way I walk, the way I look dressed in a certain way? Do they know me enough to like me? How long will they like me for?

When somebody says they love me I am asking in my mind, what they love? The person they know for a while, or the potential woman that I will become at their side? Do they think my strength, my cockiness and my vulnerability are just displayed as part of a seduction game? Do they consider what I want and need? Or they only think about what they want and need? Do they think about all the things we must juggle to be together? Because I do and it is overwhelming me.

They smile to me and in my mind, I calculate all the steps leading to a relationship, its evolution, and its end like a game of chess.

They get close and my heart collapses into itself for fear of breaking. If people could develop PTSD because of previous relationships, I would probably be one of the affected.

It is what it is, I am only human. I probably check most of somebody’s boxes, but then they find out I’m Romanian and I don’t want kids, and I looove garlic and cats.  It is what it is, and I accept my life the way it is. After all, it is not that bad. By Scottish standards this is quite great. So when my friends ask why am I not dating, my reply is why would I bother since I no longer have the time, nor the patience for it?

I hope you did not expect a conclusion, because there is none. Life is the way it is, accept it, live it and have a little bit of fun from time to time. ;)

Stay safe, stay happy!

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