Nov 04 2021

You might hate me but …

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:31

… I will write about an entry about sexual abuse and rape.

I found out a few weeks ago that a friend from childhood was raped since she was a child by her father, and the abuse continued until a little bit after getting married and he fathered her first child. That girl was my age, I remember her being a weird kid. I don’t remember her father, but I remember her being really weird. Looking back, I feel a cold shiver on my back, because there were so many girls my age in that block of flats. Small miracles were reserved for each of us, so that none of us got raped by him, but she did not have her miracle, living in the same house with him. Being trapped in the same house with him. When her mother found out, she divorced him. That was it. She did not kill him for messing up her child, she did not report him to the police. She did nothing, because “What would the world say?”. She swept it all under the rug, she put a band-aid on the hurt, under which the wound festers and it will destroy her.

This latest confession made me remember other things I’ve witnessed or have been confessed to me along the years.

There was my friend from church, that got raped by her boss from the non-profit organization she was volunteering for. She was 15. I remember her transforming from a happy girl intro a grim woman overnight. I remember her sitting numb, looking at a wall while listening to “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica. I know it is a great song, but after all these years I still can’t stand it, just because it reminds me what happened to her and how she was afraid to tell anybody because if her father found out he would kill her for being “dirty”.

There was that friend that got raped because a girl she considered a friend introduced her to her group of friends. And they were all nice and funny and sweet until they got her alone with them, at a party at somebody’s house.

There is that friend that lived with the trauma of being raped for 20 years, and she still thinks there is a reason why she deserved it. She is less than half the woman she could have been, she is broken and stuck and does not want to tell anybody what happened, because she does not want to “blow up the family”.

There are so many stories that I keep locked up in the darkest corners of my mind, I would probably need a lifetime to write them. I live in Romania, so none of those bastards were ever reported and punished for their acts.

After all these years of hearing stories, here is my conclusion. Not sure how it is in other countries, but in Romania if a girl escapes into adulthood without being raped she is very, very lucky. Some of them are raped by members of their family, some of them by their neighbours/teachers some of them by classmates, some of them might have been attacked when they were forced for some reason to go back home at night and did not have money for a taxi. Some of them are coerced into having sex by their boyfriends, under the romantic blackmail of leaving them. It’s not rape, sure, but it is not really totally consensual, is it? And all of them keep quiet, because Romania is a country of “She was asking for it!” “What was she doing alone with him?” “Why didn’t she fight him?” and “She deserved it, for being so stupid!”.

Because they keep quiet, people think is rare, that these are anomalies, “incidents”. We talk about these acts in whispers, we show ourselves horrified and then we pray it will never happen to somebody close to us. And thus, nothing changes. Laws don’t change, education doesn’t change. And girls in my country grow up to be broken women that sometimes propagate the violence, by not educating their boys and girls properly.

When we think about developing countries, we tend to think they are on their way to become civilized, but most times abuse is rampant and unreported and everything else is just … make believe.

Daniel Sloss had a show, about a friend of his, that was raped, and she did not report the bastard to the police, because she did not want to be viewed as a victim, because she considered herself a survivor of abuse. What she did instead, is to tell everybody, so the guy got shunned and rejected by the small community he lived in. I’m not saying it is enough, but it is a start.

You are probably wondering now if I am one of the girls in these stories, well my dears, that is only for me and my therapist to know.

If there is something to take from this entry, be careful with your children, be careful with the adults in their lives. Be very gentle with the women in your life and be protective of them, because there is a big chance they have been hurt already.

I remember in 2014, it was 10 pm and I’ve met a dear friend when leaving the mall in Iasi and he offered to walk me to my car that was parked at some distance from the mall, in a poorly lit area. I found it very charming, polite and it made my heart melt. I also found it a little weird, since it was the first time a man was doing that for me. I did not realize at the time, that his gesture was a normal one, something that every man that is aware how easily is for women to get hurt and how many men just wait for their chance to do it, should do naturally.

My wise uncle said many things that made me wiser too. Here’s another one: When there is no chance to be caught for doing a bad thing, even the most righteous of man is tempted to do the bad thing.

That is all, these were my thoughts for this evening.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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