A few thoughts

I haven’t written in a while and there are quite a few reasons for that. Without further ado and without literary embellishment let me get to it.

My cat is dying, the world is a shitshow and I think the bike-shop messed up my bike. I paid a shitload of money, only for them to give it back to me with the speed changer in such a bad shape that now it changes gears whenever it wants and with a lot of cling-clang loud sounds. Also, I am a little behind with the work my book, my new PM from Apress …let’s say I don’t like him and the man that put me in contact with Apress quit last week. Aaand, I have a suspicion my presentation for Spring IO 2022 might be refused. On top of this, my energy costs increased thrice. I know these are not the worst problems in the world, but they are mine and they are wearing me down. I feel un-motivated, and … sad. And because I feel un-motivated, I haven’t been to the gym in days, I haven’t played the piano which makes me feel even more upset with myself. I have friends that send me to therapy, that tell me to go to the gym, tell me to take a vacation away from home… but I feel like nothing will help.

Yesterday, Zelenski addressed a bunch of assholes, and when I say a bunch of assholes, I am referring to the Romanian parliament. Some of them were recorded checking their phones, or just chatting with each other, meanwhile Zelenski was showing them images from the Bucha massacre and listing all the horrific things Russians are doing in Ukraine and asking for help. Seriously, they were behaving like they were on mute in a Zoom conference with their camera off, which they probably were. I watched the whole thing and I felt sick to my stomach. First because I do not understand how man can do to another man what Russian soldiers did in Bucha and second because I have no doubt 90% of the Romanian parliament is made of psychopaths. It is simply not humanly possible to watch those images and not feel disappointed in this world, sick to your stomach, not bawl your eyes out and motivated to do something about it, especially when you can.  But no… the Romanian parliament was full of stoics, that in the face of such horrors were…inert.

I was talking to a friend of mine about what the Ukrainians we know might be feeling right now. They must be going crazy that what happened in Bucha could happen to their loved ones that were unable or unwilling to flee. The horrific truth is, in a war there are no civilians, only enemies. You can only be civil when there is a civilization, but war is the antithesis of it. The previous wars have shown that to us again and again and we haven’t learned a thing. We cannot seem to agree that hurting each other is unacceptable. If this is the way humanity is right now, we do not deserve a future.

It makes me sad and angry, and I am so tired of being sad and angry. I’m in a rut, I’m caught in this bitter loop and have no idea how to escape it. I am aware that nothing external will throw me off it, nobody will give me the push that I need, or the ass-kicking that will help me move forward and I will have to do it myself, yet again. Problem is, when will I have gathered enough sadness and anger to do so?

Stay safe, stay happy!

Stay strong Ukraine! Слава Україні!

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1 Response to A few thoughts

  1. Cristina says:

    Sending you a big warm hug!!! I felt really down also after the invasion happened, and feeling really sorry for the innocent human suffering, but noticed same as you: were feeling depleted of energy. The world is full of individualistic psychopaths, and the only way to live good is searching for the company of those who are kind, open and give big hugs ;)

    I noticed something big yesterday about myself. while I invited a nice human out for lunch in the park in Amsterdam. I invited this person to apologise, as he offered to work with me 2 years ago, when I was looking to change jobs, and at first I said yes, offer was good, then after an unpleasant talk with my boss that stated that I would throw sour into the soup by going to work for a partner company, I said no. I still see this guys face in front of me, amazed how I changed my mind so fast, succumbing to external pressure. But he stayed kind and patient with me. And yesterday when I saw him again, to my surprise he did accept the invite for lunch, even if I self-sabotaged big time the connection, he was kind and warm again. He greeted me with a hug. BUT then I noticed how rare that is!!! We have this selfish, quick way of living life, only spending time on things that benefit us some way. And is sickening, causing avoidant dismissive attachment style in people! We are afraid to even hug a human! We get cold, aloof, self absorbed.

    Anyways I felt all afternoon happy after those hugs :) And then in the evening I went to workout with expats in the park, and stayed for a drink after. I recommend to surround yourself with some kindhearted, warm, unspoilt by shit people to stay positive. Take a break from the insane work routine and don’t stay alone. Come to NL anytime!

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